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Cheers and Jeers: Wednesday [1]
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Date: 2023-03-01
Cheers and Jeers for Wednesday, March 1, 2023
Note: Here's your Johns Hopkins Medical Center Helpful Health Tip of the Day: bubble wrap everything, especially your groin area. Now go out into the world and be super.
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By the Numbers:
10 days!!!
Days 'til Easter: 39
Days 'til the Maple Sugar Festival in Kalamazoo, Michigan: 10
Number of "things to know" about yesterday's Supreme Court hearing on the constitutionality of President Biden's student loan forgiveness plan, courtesy of CNBC: 3
Percent of U.S. doctors who are Black: 5.7%
Number of presidents, out of the last ten, who hung a portrait of George Washington above the fireplace in the Oval Office: 9
Number who chose instead to hang a portrait of FDR above the fireplace to remind him to never forget the working class: 1 (Biden)
Age of Roberta Flack's Killing Me Softly with His Song as of this year: 50
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Mid-week Rapture Index: 186 (including 4 ecumenisms and 1 questionable home improvement suggestion). Soul Protection Factor 12 lotion is recommended if you’ll be walking amongst the heathen today.
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Puppy Pic of the Day: A great idea…
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CHEERS to March! Highlights of the month that will soon erupt into madness: coming in like a lion and hopefully going out like a Lamb. Putin's rusty prisoner-powered meat grinder continues stalling out as Ukrainians continue deciding they prefer their country without him, thank you very much. And stateside, the MAGA cult continues blaming inflation, crime, the Ohio train derailment, and the cancellation of Dilbert on Black people and their insatiable perpetuation of our nation's original sin: racism against white people.
Plus: Daylight Saving Time (the 12th), Peanut Month (Caution: these 31 days may contain peanuts and/or peanut products), Women's History Month, Caffeine Awareness Month (I'm aware! I'm aware!!!), St. Patrick's Day, Girl Scout Day, Worship of Tools Day (tool tools, not human tools), Something-on-a-Stick Day, the full "worm moon" on the 7th, International Women's Day (the 8th), the Oscars ceremony (shortened this year to the 12th through the 15th) and the infamous Ides that coincides with THE GREAT STATE OF MAINE'S 203rd birthday.
You can peruse the slate of new movies (Do we really need another Willy Wonka remake and another Scream sequel?) that'll pop up in theaters and the 23,398 available streaming services here. Which reminds me: President Biden will continue adding new names to his slate of judicial nominees—the most diverse in our history, although I'd like to see one or two public candy corn defenders on the list. And spring arrives like this:
Poink! Poink! Poink poink poink poink poink!!!
I also believe March is one of the months of the year in which Republicans act like total democracy-hating, reality-denying jerks—the others being January, February, April, May, June, July, August, September, October, November and December. Plus: as of today we've made it through one-sixth of 2023. Slap another gold star on your tuchus and give yourself a high-five.
CHEERS to government in action. I don’t need to tell you this, and the MAGA cult certainly won’t be lining up outside Daily Kos's door to read this, but the federal government has been doing a perfectly competent job dealing with the complexities of the East Palestine, Ohio chemical-train derailment. If all the critics can do is bash Pete Buttigieg's shoes and try to play the reverse-racism card, then they need to slink back under their rocks and STFU. This is just one example of how a Democratic administration is taking care of the Trump-humping East Palestine residents in distress:
The White House announced Monday that teams from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Federal Emergency Management Agency and the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention reached over 530 East Palestine, Ohio, households in less than 72 hours, surpassing their target of reaching 400 households by Monday. You want to point fingers, do ya? You can start with the owners of this train. President Joe Biden on Friday ordered federal agencies to go door to door to personally check on affected residents after the Feb. 3 train derailment that spilled toxic chemicals in the area. The White House said in a statement shared first with NBC News that federal officials provided flyers with additional resources and conducted health surveys, ensuring the outreach will continue through the week.
And this just in: Dark Brandon sics feds on helpless disaster site residents to implant microchips and take away their guns and bibles. Details tonight on Fox News.
CHEERS to buckeyes for breakfast. (Disclaimer: Bad idea! They’re poisonous!) I was hatched at Mercy Hospital in Mount Vernon, Ohio in August of 1964, and that makes me—for better or worse—a dyed-in-the-wool Buckeye. So it goes without saying that today I'm wishing HAPPY BIRTHDAY to my home state—220 years young today. Seven mostly-unremarkable presidents from Ohio were elected, and you all wisely stopped nominating us after Harding kicked the bucket in 1921. It's the only state whose flag is a pennant. And we're the proud birthplace of Steven Spielberg, Neil Armstrong, John Glenn, Orville Wright, Clark Gable, Gloria Steinem and one or two others.
Ohio is also home to one of America’s best sitting senators: Sherrod Brown.
Oh, and in the interest of fairness I should also mention that some people say Nebraska was admitted to the union on this date in 1867. Can't say I'm familiar with it, but I'll take 'em at their word.
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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x Orangutang male helps with tiger cubs. I love 🦧 sooo much. ❤️pic.twitter.com/Z8hrPkiPoX — Sarah Bee🐝 (@BirrelleBee) February 21, 2023
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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CHEERS to helping hands. Happy Peace Corps Week! The organization that John F. Kennedy built in ‘61 turns 62 today, and it's still crankin’ out the good works:
Since 1961, at the invitation of foreign governments, more than 240,000 Americans have served the United States and countries around the globe as Peace Corps Volunteers. JFK greets Peace Corps volunteers in 1962. This past year, Volunteers returned to overseas communities for the first time since the global evacuation of Volunteers in 2020. Volunteers are working alongside community members to address the impacts of COVID-19 and climate change and to tackle local development priorities across the Peace Corps’ six programming sectors: Agriculture, Community Economic Development, Education, Environment, Health, and Youth in Development. The theme of Peace Corps Week 2023 is “Connect with the World,” and the week’s activities will highlight and celebrate the lifelong connections fostered through the Peace Corps’ work. These connections lay the foundation for intercultural exchange, global collaboration, and lasting impact—all things that bring us closer to our audacious mission of world peace and friendship.
Sixty-two years later, it's still "the toughest job you'll ever love." Especially if you bring a few cases of Bacardi with you. And limes. Without limes it's intolerable.
JEERS to Spittle Fest USA. If you’re wondering what that awful smell is wafting from our nation’s capital, we might have an idea: today marks the start of the annual knee-slappin' hootenanny that is the CPAC convention. The staunch right-wing defenders of the Jesus-blessed heartland states are holding it, of course, in the “swamp” known as Washington D.C. on account of there’s better sex to be had there.
Usual stuff this year: anger, rage, brain-shrinkage, tried-and-failed ideas, madness, pretzel-twisted logic, xenophobia, homophobia, immigrant-o-phobia, Islamophobia, isolationism, gun love, trans hate, Russia love, book hate, and enough fake news to choke a goat. Plus exciting discussions about the groundbreaking new Republican agenda of secession, privatization of everything, walls, annexation of the vagina, arming all the teachers, and lots of panels on how—[checks notes]—Hillary Clinton is really the president but no one knows because she’s wearing the face of Joe Biden, whom she murdered. Of course, the real action gets underway after the sun—and the zippers—go down:
Oh yes they can. “Thou shalt be a giant horny closeted hypocrite” is their 11th Commandment.
Praise the Lord and pass the fur-lined handcuffs.
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Ten years ago in C&J: March 1, 2013
CHEERS to bidding a fond "Aufwiedersehen!" Well, kids, this is it. Pope Benedict XVI trades in his red shows for a pair of lira loafers, his miter for a raspberry beret (the kind you find in a second-hand store), his crozier for a sword cane, his robes for a sensible sequin jean jacket, his opulent digs for a $650 a month (plus utilities and security deposit) one-bedroom efficiency. And then there's the breakup letter:
Dear God, This is hard to write. It's just not working out. I need to end this relationship. Pleeeeease don't blame yourself. It's not you. It's me. I just need some space. Some time to think. To pick daisies and run through the barley fields, and maybe get my degree in software development. Here's your ring back and the shoes I borrowed. Also I changed the locks. It's for the best. I know you'll find someone else. You always do. I'll always look up to you. I hope we can stay friends. Joseph R. aka “Benny Boop”
Of course, the relationship seemed kinda doomed to fail when the Pope literally accused the Lord of sleeping on the job. Benedict's last official act today will be lying in state motionless until someone in the crowd says something that makes him giggle. Then: election season starts. Spoiler alert: Foster Friess funnels millions to his pet cardinals' super PACs, and tells Andrea Mitchell during an interview that priests used to stay celibate by holding a Bayer aspirin between their knees. It's mostly downhill from there. [3/1/23 Update: He died on the last day of last year. I call dibs on his Hummels.]
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And just one more…
CHEERS to processions with punch. Gotta give a shout-out to my homies (I assume over there they call them “hausies”) in Dusseldorf, Germany, which was my playground as a kid for five years back in the ‘70s. Last week they had their annual carnival-related Rose Monday parade, for which they create outrageous floats that lampoon politicians the world over. You can see some of them here, but I’ll highlight one I love in all its crude glory: Vladimir Putin luxuriating in his most comfortable surroundings. Gross but effective:
The red-hatted cultists quickly condemned the float, saying it was unnecessarily inflammatory and besides real men don’t take baths. Eight words for Ukrainian President Zelenskyy: plane + parachute + gravity + Red Square = Just do it.
Oh, and happy birthday to Frederic Chopin, whose best-known piano composition is, of course, Chopinsticks. Have a happy humpday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial For the most part, “Cheers and Jeers” is courageously free of anything that resembles charisma, or a discernible sense of humor. This reads like a politician’s memoir churned out by ChatGPT. —The New York Times
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[END]
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