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I’ve Lived Too Long [1]
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Date: 2023-01-26
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Now, don’t get excited. I’m not suicidal. If anything, I tend to be in a better mood than would be justified by my circumstances, and my circumstances are pretty good, all things considered. But looked at objectively and dispassionately, it is clear that I’ve lived too long. I can no longer cope with the latest technological developments.
I was still using a rotary phone until 1998. During most of the 1990s, if I called a store wanting the pharmacy department, I would wait as the recorded voice took me through the menu options, saying punch this and punch that. But as you cannot punch anything on a rotary phone, I would wait about 20 seconds until the menu options were exhausted, at which point I would be told to hold the line and someone would help me. When someone came on the line, I would ask for the pharmacy department.
The voice on the phone was typically that of a woman, which was nice, because I like women. But one day, in 1998, the woman on the phone, who sounded as though she was in her early twenties, got to the end of the menu options and said, “We’re sorry you didn’t make a selection. Goodbye.” And then I was disconnected. I could swear that there was a smartass tone in her voice when she said “Goodbye,” as if, being young, she had no patience with anyone who didn’t have a touchtone phone. Resigned to my fate, I drove over to an electronics store, bought a $10 touchtone phone, brought it back home, plugged it in, called the store, and punched “2” for the pharmacy.
Some technological innovations have just passed me by, for I had no need of them. I have never used an ATM. I have never seen a Blackberry, which I heard was discontinued, whatever it was. I have no idea what people mean by “Bluetooth.”
On the other hand, I have welcomed some inventions, such as the cell phone, which is great for emergencies, but that’s about it. I use my cell phone about 30 minutes per year. I love my desktop computer. And email is great. It allows an introvert like me to socialize without getting too close. And I love having a widescreen television.
Anyway, when I moved into my present apartment seven years ago, I found that the washing machines did not accept quarters, as did the ones in my previous residence. So, I started using my credit card, which was all right. But one day, it was announced that in order to use the machines in the future, it would be necessary to have a smartphone. After some resistance from the tenants, the manager compromised. There would still be a few machines that accepted a credit card.
But yesterday, the credit-card reader would not work. I called the company and was told I would need a smartphone. And so, just as I once had to buy a touchtone phone, now I would have to buy a smartphone. I bought the cheapest one available. I asked about the instruction booklet. The saleslady said that none of the phones came with instruction booklets anymore. Apparently, most people are so technologically savvy now, that instruction booklets are no longer necessary.
I took it to the apartment office, and was given some assistance in preparing it for the washing machines. The manager told me to position the phone over the QR code. I went to the machine. It had no such code. The machine had not been changed to accept smartphones after all. The credit card reader just wasn’t working.
I found another machine that did have a QR code. I struggled and struggled, but could not make it work. My next-door neighbor happened to be walking by. She showed me that I had to push the button on the side to turn the phone on. That’s just the sort of thing an instruction booklet would have told me about, had there been such a booklet.
Thanks to her help, I was able to do the wash. But when I started the dryer, it said I had only 3 minutes. That didn’t make sense, so I went back to the office. One of the leasing agents was a available, a young woman. While she was trying to help me figure out how to get more drying time, I made reference to the fact that I was overwhelmed by all this new technology. “I still had a rotary phone until 1998,” I said. She didn’t know what that was. I said, those were the phones we used before there were touchtone phones.
“What’s a touchtone phone?” she asked.
I pointed to the phone on her desk. “That’s a touchtone phone,” I said. Apparently, rotary phones have been obsolete for so long that the term “touchtone phone” is no longer needed. We distinguish mobile phones from landlines now, but not touchtone from rotary.
“If you want to know what a rotary phone is,” I said, “you’ll have to watch an old movie.” She asked for a recommendation. “Dial M for Murder,” I answered. That would certainly demonstrate a rotary phone. And I don’t know about her, but I was in the mood for a murder.
[END]
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