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Cheers and Jeers: Wednesday [1]
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Date: 2023-01-25
Is God such an incompetent fool that his decision to anoint Trump his Second Son has to be undone by America's conserva-preacher class? Or were the MAGA folk, who are now reversing themselves at the speed of ketchup bottle hurled at Mar-a-Lago wall, just full of shit, with no proof of who God chooses for president?
So what is it, you evangelical church-and-state co-minglers? Did God abandon Trump? Or did you? If it was you, how can you justify that to God? If it was God, how can you ever trust Him again to lead you down the path of righteousness?
You're silly people, you MAGA preachers. Silly and greedy and predatory and shameless. I guess God does make junk after all.
And now, our feature presentation…
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Cheers and Jeers for Wednesday, January 25, 2023
Note: Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a baby how to type in the nuclear launch codes and you’re really asking for trouble. DON’T GIVETH BABIES LAUNCH CODES!
—Corinthians 54-3:2:1
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By the Numbers:
9 days!!!
Days 'til Joe Biden's State of the Union address: 12
Days 'til the Mid-America Organic Conference in Hartsburg, Missouri: 9
Percent chance that numbers show there is no more "tripledemic" threat now because flu, RSV & covid peaked in early December, per The Washington Post: 100%
Drop in mass shootings when Bill Clinton banned assault weapons in 1994: 43%
Increase in mass shootings after George W. Bush and the GOP let the assault weapons ban expire in 2004: 245%
Number of Oath Keeper terrorists convicted of seditious conspiracy Monday for their part in the Jan. 6 Capitol attack: 4
Rise in egg prices in 2022: 60%
Rise in egg prices in 2022 if you only include the yolks: 12%
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Mid-week Rapture Index: 186 (including 5 climate events and 1 inspirational message for the kids). Soul Protection Factor 24 lotion is recommended if you’ll be walking amongst the heathen today.
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Colorado's Puppy Bowl XIX entries…
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JEERS to scaling new heights. We haven't updated our human pea brains for a while on Covid statistics, so let's get that out of the way first. (An annual vaccine proposed by the FDA will hopefully make these updates obsolete.) When last we checked, the death toll equaled the population somewhere between #12 Jacksonville's and #11 Austin's. But this being the United States, aka the world's most exceptional and brilliant bastion of science and reason, we won’t be content until we've reached #1. So let's check the most depressing tote board in the world and see how we're doing since case #1 was diagnosed here three years ago this month:
U.S. Covid Cases: 103.9 million U.S. Covid Deaths: 1,129,145
Hey, we cracked the top ten! We've catapulted ourselves between #10 San Jose and #9 Dallas, with the majority of the dearly departed being brainwashed right-wingers who refused to get vaccinated or wear a mask just so they could own the libs. As a card-carrying Democrat, I can tell you my healthy pink lungs are crying all the way to my next gasp-free exhale.
CHEERS to knowing when it's time to look out for #1. She had a toothy smile that gave Jimmy Carter's a run for his money. And right above it was a progressive brain that led her country through multiple crises confidently and aggressively, all while steering the nation toward inclusivity, science-based progress, and compassion. But New Zealand Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern got plum wore out by the job, and yesterday was her final day in office:
Ardern, who has been a global icon of the left, shocked the nation Thursday when she said she was resigning as leader after more than five years because she had nothing left in the tank. Labour Party lawmakers voted unanimously Sunday for Chris Hipkins to take over as prime minister, and he will be sworn in [today]. For New Zealand, the right leader at the right time. Ardern’s final act as leader was to join Hipkins and other lawmakers attending celebrations at the Rātana meeting grounds, the home of an Indigenous Māori religious movement. Ardern told reporters she’d been friends with Hipkins for nearly 20 years and spent two hours with him on the drive to the meeting grounds. She said the only real advice she could offer was, “You do you.”
Memo to her successor: if you want to succeed policy- and agenda-wise, "You do hers."
CHEERS to meeting the press. Sixty-two years ago today, in 1961, President Kennedy gave the first press conference that was broadcast live on both TV and radio. Not having done it before, the early moments were a bit awkward:
"I want to assure you that I will, with great vigah, endeavuh to ahnsuh your questions thoroughly and completely. Just not in the bahthroom while I am taking my, uh, showuh."
Things went better when they moved it to the press room.
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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JEERS to little misunderstandings. On January 25, 1995, the Norwegians fired a scientific rocket called a Black Brant XII into the air, and the Russians thought it might actually be an American Trident missile launched from a sub. What happened next was so hilarious…
As a result, fearing a high altitude nuclear attack that could blind Russian radar, Russian nuclear forces were put on high alert, and the nuclear weapons command suitcase was brought to Russian president Boris Yeltsin. [He] then had to decide whether or not to launch a retaliatory nuclear strike against the United States. The Norwegian rocket incident was the first and only incident where any nuclear weapons state had its nuclear briefcase activated and prepared for launching an attack.
How lucky was the world that day? Let me put it this way: the incident happened on the one day of his presidency when Boris Yeltsin wasn't drunk. That lucky.
CHEERS to today's edition of Yeah, But Do They Have A Starbucks Out There? Courtesy of the nerds at NASA:
Before stars become massive glowing bodies of hot gas and planets develop conditions that can sustain life, they start out as a deep-space plate of tiny, icy ingredients. And now, NASA has gotten the best look at those ingredients yet. "An international team of astronomers using NASA's James Webb Space Telescope has obtained an in-depth inventory of the deepest, coldest ices measured to date in a molecular cloud," NASA said in a news release on Monday. " ... This is the most comprehensive census to date of the icy ingredients available to make future generations of stars and planets, before they are heated during the formation of young stars."
This has been today's edition of Yeah, But Do They Have A Starbucks Out There?
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Ten years ago in C&J: January 25, 2013
CHEERS to G.I. Jane: freedom fighter against evildoers. Here comes that pesky equality thing again, as we try to mold ourselves into a more perfect union:
U.S. Defense Secretary Leon Panetta…will announce on Thursday that he is eliminating the direct ground combat exclusion—the Department of Defense policy that excluded women from assignment to units below the brigade level if the unit would be engaged in direct combat. This will allow women to be assigned to select positions in ground combat units at the battalion level, opening approximately 237,000 individual jobs to women across service branches, including 5,000 positions for female Marines in ground combat elements.
I'm behind you all the way, front-line women! Like, as far behind the front line as I can possibly get. Just stayin' true to my own personal motto: An Army Of One—Cowering Under the Bed.
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CHEERS to the wisdom of jbou. The Kossack—one of several who departed in 2016—is gone but not forgotten. C&J promised to revisit his sharp George-Carlin-meets-Stephen-Wright zingers from time to time because, well, they will never cease to crack me up. And whaddya know, today is one of those days. Here's what was on his mind back in January of 2012…
» As a kid, I'd get attention by saying inappropriate things and making fart noises. As an adult, I'm taller. » The sad thing about Baby New Year is knowing he dies on his first birthday. » Love is like the Force: it surrounds us, binds us, and people can use it to cut off your arms and legs and toss you into lava. jbou » Next we should demand that Romney release his Donny Osmond records. » I ordered a plunger and a snare drum on Amazon so next time you order one and it recommends the other, that's me. » This "judge people by the content of their character" thing is not working to my advantage. » Autocorrect makes me feel like I'm friends with a nosy, incompetent know-it-all. » Time heals all wounds. Unless you suffered a horrible disfigurement working in a clock factory. Then it's just a grim reminder. » Watching all of these GOP debates is like taking a massive dump and then waiting around to see which pieces of shit get flushed down first.
Hope you're not still eating breakfast.
Have a happy humpday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial In the Cheers and Jeers kiddie pool, there are many species of fungus in the genuses Cordyceps and Ophiocordyceps (these fungi were formerly called just Cordyceps) that infect splashers. And they do essentially turn them into zombies. The fungi take over their minds and bodies, causing them to behave in such a way as to spread snark to others of their kind. —Vox
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[END]
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