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A Word on Compassion [1]
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Date: 2023-01-16
My brother and I, in simpler times.
So, I've been through some things recently.
I am the sister of an amazing person who lives a complicated lifestyle, one that took me decades to come to grips with.
I can't say my brother "struggles" with homelessness, because he makes it work better than anyone I've ever known or even heard of, and he's (for the most part) happy, most especially with the independence of thought that it affords him. That's not to say he doesn't WORK, now. Over the years I've often realized that he works harder than anyone I know, just meeting his own basic needs. Come to think of it, he has been able to do what many of us aspire to but fail to do; to meet even the highest-order needs on his own personal Maslow's; out on the streets where breaks are hardest to come by, his kindness, generosity, and resourcefulness, (to say nothing of his true brilliance) have enabled him to reach out and help those fellow travellers among us that (for most of us if we're being honest with ourselves) are largely invisible, and are therefore likely to be suffering the most.
And I can't say that he "wrestles" with addiction, because that implies a competition, and he has never been conflicted where substances are concerned. He self-medicates to try to smooth out the rough edges of his life. It just so happens that his "medicine" is, well let's just say, pharmacologically non-conforming. Still, I can't let myself forget that, while many people say they can quit any time they want, he's one of only two people I've ever known that really could just do it. He's done it. For years at a time. And for that reason, there's always in me the hope that he will quit again. For his sake. For society's sake (because his gifts would be shared more widely in society if only he had access to all of its opportunities). And frankly, for my sake; so I don't have to see him slip away from us, either slowly, through the destruction caused as these substances grind their way through all of his body's systems, or suddenly, with just one tainted acquisition. But, when he is using, he makes the choice to use unapologetically. And it has taken me decades to accept him as he is. And to move towards sobriety on his timeline instead of my own.
And so that is why, for the past six years especially, I've been through some things. I found myself stuck in a cycle of fear and relief. Fear when he would drop off the map, having lost his cell phone and everything else he had to theft. Relief when, for at least one more blessed day, he was at least nowhere to be found on either the Unclaimed Bodies website or the Inmate Roster. At one time, such a stark confession might have embarrassed me. But it is long past the time when circumstances like this we're novel. In fact, I would be willing to bet that there is hardly a family left in America that has not been impacted, at least tangentially, by stories just like my family's.
And that is also why, for the past six weeks especially, I've been through some other things. Riskier things. Scarier things. Necessary (er?) things. My brother was in a bad place. Not only because of the poverty, homelessness, and addiction itself, but because he was 1300 miles away from a good family that loves him desperately, and in a place where those challenges were much more likely to be criminalized than I was comfortable with.
I tried to bust him out of there before, when the stakes were lower. Much lower. He visited in the Fall of 2016 and in the summer of 2020. But he always took off again. Back to danger. Because you see, it was about a girl...how often are these things "about a girl?" And you know what? Knowing her better now, I GET IT. She is an amazing girl. Beautiful, kind, tough, fair, and full of surprises. I liked her instantly. I know now that he must love us a LOT to even think about leaving her for Oregon, let alone try it. (Twice!) If I were in his place I would not want to leave her for a minute, either. And I would not want to face the decision to choose to be with either her or family but not both. And so I decided he shouldn't have to. I found them both. And once I had them, I grabbed them up and ran for it. I ran for it like their lives, safety, and happiness depended on it, and with theirs, my own. This time, the stakes seemed higher. But, as at least one member of the US Air Force in Nevada, and a crew of unforgettable Sheriff's Deputies in Oregon can tell you, I would follow my dear brother into the very jaws of oblivion. Because he is a good man. One of the best I've ever known. One who's never hurt a soul (but himself), and who spends an awful lot of his time and energy helping. Instinctively. Unprompted. We are the same, he and I. And yet so different.
I have lived these last decades in security and comfort, with a long career in a great company. I have enjoyed uncommon stability and boundless opportunity. Hell, I've been able to see our Mother every day. To dote on her. To learn from her. He's missed so much of that. Which makes the contrast hurt even more, makes the guilt cut even deeper. He deserved all the things in life that I did, probably more if we're being honest. He's both smarter AND kinder than me. So, while the risks I took and am taking with the comfortable life I have worked hard to build for myself, my amazingly supportive husband, and my sons are sobering, the payoff of having our whole family safely together was too big a prize to forfeit. And since an untreated anxiety disorder of MINE played such an outsized role in his lifetime of troubles, it's only right that my love and help should be central to his... what would society call it in his story arc? Redemption? There's nothing to redeem. He has everything our Creator expects us to have: love for others, even strangers. Especially strangers. An unswerving devotion to his ethics. An unconquerable sense of innocent wonder in life's everyday discoveries (even, or maybe because those discoveries are made in places most of us have stopped looking). I won't say my brother is perfect, but he's pretty darn close. He's perfect for ME.
So why am I telling you this? Certainly not to brag, it was hard work to be sure, but I'm also scared witless waiting for the other shoe to drop and probably always will be. A lot could go wrong. But a lot could also go right.
No, it's to tell y'all what I LEARNED from it...I learned how thoroughly I MUST trust Oregon and Oregonians with the things most important to me - my family and our future. I always describe this place as the only place I've ever been where I can be as kind as I want to everyone I meet and never feel like a chump for it. And I learned that other people all around us most likely feel the same way. Because it's so clear by the way they treat others. This is a special place, a place that might *seem* sometimes like it's at odds ideologically. West of the Cascades there is no shortage of compassionate POLICIES, though it may seem to others that they are not always implemented perfectly in PRACTICE. Take the balance that the metros are trying to strike between the unhoused and the business stakeholders, for instance. And East of the Cascades, while the POLICIES may seem to others to be rigid, I have had recent occasion to learn that in PRACTICE, there is compassion in their application, an allowance for nuance, a willingness to take things on a case-by-case basis. So in the final assessment of this journey, it is clear to me that the one unifying Oregonian quality is COMPASSION. A quality that makes our state special. A quality other states could (should) emulate. This is a discovery I just felt really strongly that y'all should know.
Thanks for reading to the end. And remember to keep being irrationally caring towards your fellow Oregonians. It's okay to do that here.
And to the kind, fuzzy-faced officer who made me laugh during what he couldn't have known then was the worst day of my life (the "second purse" thing! 😆), who registered his empathy and showed me his humanity as I explained my story, and who put my stunned, stupid, sandalled-in-the-snow ass back into my warm car, I want to just say THANK YOU. A million trillion times over. Thank you. I owe you at least several lifetimes of gratitude.
[END]
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