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Cheers and Jeers: Thursday [1]

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Date: 2023-01-12

Cheers and Jeers for Thursday, January 12, 2023

Note: "You'll have to pry my cold dead hands from my cold dead hands," says cranky old man with four hands. Film at 11.

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By the Numbers:

9 days!!!

Days 'til Martin Luther King Jr. Day: 4

Days 'til the Atlanta Cask Ale Tasting to benefit the Atlanta Humane Society: 9

Length of time that Trump's CFO Allen Weisselberg was sentenced to Rikers Island Prison Tuesday for committing tax fraud (in addition to paying a $2 million fine): 5 months

Estimated amount of damage caused by extreme weather in the U.S. last year, according to NOAA: $165 billion

Drop in Russian artillery fire from its peak, indicating they're running out of ammo and/or artillery: 75%

Factor by which marijuana sales increased in Maine last year: 2x

Number of pot transactions made, totaling over $158 million and resulting in $16 million in tax revenue: 2.5 million

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Your Thursday Molly Ivins Moment:

Here comes everyone's favorite season: The tree is down, the bills are due, January, February, Ry-Krisp and cottage cheese. T'is the festive season for one of our nation's leading industries—dispensers of diet advice. Since we all spent a couple of months home with mac and cheese even before the holidays, it could be a growth year for the stationary bicycle. Osama Bin Laden and Al Qaeda are still out there somewhere, with Judge Crater and Chandra Levy. Now that we've won the war, all the king's horses and all the king's men have to put Afghanistan back together again—warlords and all. —January, 2002

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Puppy Pic of the Day: I'm looking at those paws!

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CHEERS to well-regulating your militia. Guns kill. In this country, guns kill a lot. Every day, in fact. To stop the killing with guns, you keep the guns out of the hands of the killers. Nine states and D.C. now do that, with Illinois being the latest to earn a gold star:

Just hours after the legislation's passage in both chambers of the Illinois General Assembly, Gov. J.B. Pritzker signed the "Protect Illinois Communities Act" into law during a ceremony at the State Capitol in Springfield. Supporters, some of whom were gun violence survivors, erupted with applause and cheers as the governor presented the signed document. I think I like this Illinois governor fella Pritzker. The new law bans assault weapons, including some semiautomatic firearms, along with high-capacity magazines and rapid-firing devices. "For a long time now, I and many other leaders in the Illinois General Assembly have prioritized getting the most dangerous weapons off our state's streets," Pritzker said in a statement Tuesday. "Today, honoring the commitment we made, we passed one of the strongest assault weapons bans in the nation, one I will be proud to sign."

The legislation will save lives and help reduce gun violence, making it a very good thing. I know this because the NRA says the legislation will save lives and help reduce gun violence, making it a very bad thing.

CHEERS to wishes and ponies. After 15 votes, the MAGA-controlled House finally chose their Speaker (I already forget his name) and now they’re getting down to the people’s business—specifically, the people who give them the most money in exchange for doing what they tell them to do. Item #1: a vote to defund the IRS and prevent the hiring of 87,000 new employees to run the depleted agency so that wealthy tax cheats can continue gaming the system. The bill now goes to the Senate for passage. And since that's never going to happen, let's all sit back for a moment and marvel at the grace and beauty of the sparkle pony. My god, man, look at that:

I'd love to know what shampoo and conditioner she uses.

JEERS to that time the bizarro freak circus rolled into town. Twenty-eight years ago today, the O.J. Simpson trial got pre-started with pre-trial hearings. My view of it has completely changed since 1995. Back then I was like, "He got zero years? I am so pissed." But today I'm like, "He got zero years twenty-eight years ago? I am so old."

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BRIEF SANITY BREAK

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x 9.5 per the judges. pic.twitter.com/AFkZUYbWPl — Steve Martin (@SteveMartinToGo) January 10, 2023

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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK

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CHEERS to discs that aren’t the herniated kind. Wham-O began producing the "Frisbee" 66 years ago this week. Ever wonder where the name comes from?

The Frisbie Baking Company (1871-1958) of Bridgeport, Connecticut, made pies that were sold to many New England colleges. Hungry college students soon discovered that the empty pie tins could be tossed and caught, providing endless hours of game and sport. A Frisbee from the ‘76 Democratic convention. Many colleges have claimed to be the home of 'he who was first to fling.’ Yale College has even argued that in 1820, a Yale undergraduate named Elihu Frisbie grabbed a passing collection tray from the chapel and flung it out into the campus, thereby becoming the true inventor of the Frisbie and winning glory for Yale. That tale is unlikely to be true since the words 'Frisbie's Pies' was embossed in all the original pie tins and from the word 'Frisbie' was coined the common name for the toy.

Frisbees remind me of the Republican party: Lightweight, logic as contorted as a no-look reverse-flick backhanded corkscrew air bounce, and the only thing keeping them aloft is spin.

JEERS to losing your wings. A tense situation yesterday morning when, just as the cock was crowing, the mighty United States air traffic control system went—[checks notes]—kerflooey. No one knows exactly what happened, but experts suspect it was Mrs. McGillicutty in Fargo, North Dakota plugging in the new heavy-duty daiquiri maker she got for Christmas and shorting out the system. Things got back to normal when Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg stuck a penny in the master fuse box in the FAA's basement and got the juice back. Passengers in the air were inconvenienced by screaming babies, unruly MAGA anti-vaxxers (but I repeat myself), and late arrival times, and passengers on the ground were inconvenienced by screaming babies, MAGA anti-vaxxers (but I repeat myself), and late departure times. The hosts of Fox and Friends were treated for apoplexy and released.

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Ten years ago in C&J: January 12, 2013

JEERS to going round and round about rounds and rounds. This week Vice President Biden met with a representative of the NRA and other opponents of gun control to get their views on curbing bullet-related violence in our gun-happy country. Staring down the barrel of history and aiming for an advantage, both sides came to the table locked and loaded. Each side rifled through their ideas and then shot from the lip. Many were blasted. Some drew fire. They occasionally hit the bullseye, but sometimes ended up shooting blanks and missing the mark. By the end, everybody was up in arms and nobody was blown away, that is if you don’t count gun-cliché enthusiasts, who called it the greatest day of their life.

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And just one more…

No line at the pharmacy? Yeah...in your dreams.

CHEERS to America's dispensers-in-white. Today is National Pharmacist Day, when we acknowledge a profession whose members quietly go about their task of filling prescriptions correctly, promptly and safely before ringing them up along with our peanut M&Ms, People magazine, Swiffer pad replacements and dental floss. (True fact: the first pharmacy in America was opened by Louis Joseph Dufilho, Jr. in New Orleans circa 1823. It’s now a haunted museum.) They'll celebrate as usual by inviting customers to pick a goodie from the giant bowl full of pills they found on the floor over the course of the year. (Note: if you grab the one shaped like a dodecahedron, allow yourself three days to come back down to earth.)

Have a nice Thursday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?

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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial "Especially in times like these, Cheers and Jeers needs a warrior in the kiddie pool." —Rep. Katie Porter

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