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Cheers and Jeers: Wednesday [1]
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Date: 2023-01-11
Cheers and Jeers for Wednesday, January 11, 2023
Note: You can also call today’s date “January Hockey Sticks.” Try it on your friends—they’ll be green with envy that you thought of it first. As you are now with me. —Mgt.
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By the Numbers:
9 days!!!
Days 'til National Bagel Day: 4
Days 'til Bean Day 2023 in Fargo, North Dakota: 9
Estimated number of insurrectionists arrested in Brazil so far: 1,500
Percent of members of Congress who identify as Christian, versus 63% of the general population: 88%
Expected year when the hole in the ozone layer will be healed up, according to a UN report: 2066
Drop in levels of chlorine in the atmosphere since their peak in 1993: 11.5%
Number of overnight visitors to Maine's 12 state park campgrounds last year, a record: 319,000
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Mid-week Rapture Index: 187 (including 3 tribulation temples and 1 bit of sad news). Soul Protection Factor 8 lotion is recommended if you’ll be walking amongst the heathen today.
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Softies…
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CHEERS to clearing one more hurdle. It's been 26 months since the 45th president of the United States tried to steal the 2020 election from Joe Biden by rigging the votes in, among other states, Georgia. (It's on audiotape and everything.) It's been 23 months since Fulton County District Attorney Fani Willis opened the investigation into his evildoing, and eight months since a grand jury was assembled there. Now the jury is finally done with their work. So that means imminent indictments, right? Nope. It means more grand jurying…
Special grand juries in Georgia cannot issue indictments but instead can issue a final report recommending actions to be taken. It is then up to the district attorney to decide whether to seek an indictment from a regular grand jury. […] Getting closer…….clooooooser……. Georgia law says that grand juries are "authorized to recommend to the court the publication of the whole or any part of their general presentments and to prescribe the manner of publication" and that the judge must follow that recommendation. The special grand jury voted to recommend that its report be published, [Judge] McBurney wrote in his order. "Unresolved is the question of whether the special purpose grand jury's final report constitutes a presentment," the judge wrote, adding that he will hold a hearing on Jan. 24 on that issue.
On the down side: hurry up and wait some more. On the bright side: at least the case doesn't also have to go through the marvelous jury, the noble jury, the first-rate jury, the glorious jury, the grandiose jury and the sumptuous jury. (Although I'm a little disappointed there's no Caffè Mocha Grande jury. There should be!)
CHEERS to takin' your white board across the hall. Here, Katie, take my money. I'm all in:
Rep. Katie Porter, D-Calif., a progressive star who won re-election in November, on Tuesday announced her campaign for the Senate in 2024. “Especially in times like these, California needs a warrior in Washington. That’s exactly why I’m announcing my candidacy,” Porter said in a video. x California needs a warrior in the Senate—to stand up to special interests, fight the dangerous imbalance in our economy, and hold so-called leaders like Mitch McConnell accountable for rigging our democracy.
Today, I'm proud to announce my candidacy for the U.S. Senate in 2024. pic.twitter.com/X1CSE8T12B — Katie Porter (@katieporteroc) January 10, 2023 - Porter’s announcement comes amid uncertainty over whether California Sen. Dianne Feinstein, 89, will retire at the end of 2024.
She'll look great in a toga.
CHEERS to the not-so-artful dodger. Happy 268th birthday to Alexander Hamilton. He was one of our country's youngest Founding Fathers, but he wasn't very good at avoiding controversy (adultery, skullduggery in the 1800 election) or ye olde musket ball. And here's something for the pootie diaries:
People today still name their tomcats after Alexander Hamilton in deference to his infamous many extramarital affairs. Martha Washington was the first as she named her large carousing tomcat 'Hamilton.'
Pay your respects here. Or just pull out a ten-spot and pat his head.
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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CHEERS to clearing the air....and the lungs. 59 years ago today, in 1964, U.S. Surgeon General Luther Terry issued the first government report saying smoking may be hazardous to your health. (This came as quite a shock to some of tobacco's most fervent supporters, like doctors and Ronald Reagan.) The report had quite the impact:
The landmark Surgeon General's report on smoking and health stimulated a greatly increased concern about tobacco on the part of the American public and government policymakers and led to a broad-based anti-smoking campaign. … Surgeon general Luther Terry with his landmark report. The report was also responsible for the passage of the Cigarette Labeling and Advertising Act of 1965, which, among other things, mandated the familiar Surgeon General's health warnings on cigarette packages.
If you're in the process of quitting or thinking of quitting, go for it. Your lungs and your bank account will thank you.
JEERS to unwilling cannon fodder. The beatings will continue until morale improves. So sayeth the glorious leader of Potato Empire. And since Ukraine still remains in Ukrainian hands, head potato head Vladimir Putin has ordered more beatings:
Ukraine’s military intelligence has claimed that Russia is set to order the mobilisation of as many as 500,000 conscripts in January in addition to the 300,000 it called up in October, in another apparent sign that Vladimir Putin has no intention of ending the war. “Comrade, I tink vee took wrong turn at de Albuquerque...” Vadym Skibitsky, Ukraine’s deputy military intelligence chief, said Ukraine believed the conscripts would be part of a string of Russian offensives over the spring and summer in the east and south of the country.
And in other news, Ukraine is set to order the mobilization of 500,000 bullets.
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Ten years ago in C&J: January 11, 2013
CHEERS to the prince of the progressive putdown. He's back, baby, and rockin' Congress's rafters:
Rep. Alan Grayson (D-FL) on Monday mocked the 67 House Republicans who voted against disaster relief funds for the victims of Hurricane Sandy. “It’s the same 67 over and over again,” he noted on The Stephanie Miller Show. “It’s the bath salts caucus, the people that would rather eat your face than cut taxes on the rich.”
And he's juuuuuust getting started.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to bitchy jokesters. Thirty-one years ago it was a dark week for my little (pop. 15,000) birth hamlet of Mount Vernon, Ohio. Our most famous son, Paul "Center Square" Lynde, was found dead of a heart attack at 55—the age I passed three years ago, so I can officially tell you that’s young—in his Beverly Hills home, and our town just froze for the day (although, in fairness, it was the middle of January). It’s no longer a secret that most of the jokes Lynde got credit for on Hollywood Squares were created by professional writers with a real knack for double entendres. But Paul’s campy gift for timing elevated them to comedy hall-of-fame material:
Peter Marshall: Paul, the state flag of Alabama is all white with one very distinctive feature. What is it?
Paul Lynde: Eye holes. Lynde as an imperial officer in a Star Wars sketch during a Donny & Marie special. - Peter Marshall: Paul, in what famous book will you read about a talking ass who wonders why it's being beaten?
Paul Lynde: The Joy of Sex. - Peter Marshall: Will a newborn baby learn anything by the time he's 5 days old?
Paul Lynde: Yes, we should avoid each other when we're drinking. - Peter Marshall: According to the French Chef, Julia Child, how much is a pinch?
Paul Lynde: Just enough to turn her on. - Peter Marshall: Paul, Poe’s The Raven said, “Nevermore.” What did Gilbert and Sullivan’s Dickie Bird say?
Paul Lynde: "Let’s not wallow in Watergate." His lasting legacy: Hollywood Squares and Bewitched. - Peter Marshall: In the The Wizard of Oz, the lion wanted courage and the tin man wanted a heart. What did the scarecrow want?
Paul Lynde: He wanted the tin man to notice him. - And the classic that put him on the map: Peter Marshall: Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
You'll find tons of clips and info at the official Lynde fan site and here. He was an interesting—and frustrating—transitional figure on the LGBT timeline of the 60s and 70s. Even though his lips never said "I'm gay," his demeanor—including as Uncle Arthur on Bewitched—screamed it. But scores of homophobic female fans never figured it out, and their adoring fan mail, including marriage proposals, never stopped filling his mailbox. Peter Marshall famously said, "Paul made the world safe for sissies." And I admit, it's nice not having to lock my door at night.
Have a happy humpday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial JUST IN: Damar Hamlin Transferred to Cheers and Jeers Kiddie Pool, Doctors ‘Ecstatic’ About His Buoyancy —Mediaite
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[END]
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