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Cheers and Jeers: Monday [1]
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Date: 2023-01-09
Cheers and Jeers for Monday, January 9, 2023
Note: You know the real reason why there's only one pair of footprints in the sand now? Jesus got a jetpack from his dad for Christmas.
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By the Numbers:
5 days!!!
Days 'til Martin Luther King Jr. Day: 7
Days 'til Food Truck a Palooza in Monroeville, Pennsylvania: 5
Unemployment rate announced last Friday, the lowest since 1969: 3.468%
Annualized rate of inflation for the last five months: 2.5%
Factor by which people vaccinated for the Covid Omicron variants are less likely to die than those unvaccinated: 18x
Year the Great Salt Lake, now at only 27% of its usual capacity, is expected to dry up unless "massive emergency measures are taken": 2028
Number of times Pope Francis mentioned Pope Benedict's name at the latter's funeral, causing a FURIOUS UPROAR from Benedict's supporter: 1
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Puppy Pic of the Day: The Puppy Bowl cometh…
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JEERS to midnight in the House of Evil. It took 'em 15 votes and one near-brawl—a major statistic for the historians but one that'll soon be forgotten, thanks to our minute-by-minute BREAKING NEWS cycle—as The Cult finally elected their Speaker of the House in the dead of night Saturday. But he shouldn't be too eager to start measuring the drapes just yet, what with his balls now sitting snugly in a vise being controlled by Matt Gaetz and Lauren Boebert:
It could make McCarthy’s task of passing must-do bills like funding the government and lifting the debt ceiling much harder under a slim majority if a group of five Republicans can effectively force him out at any time. […] The House Freedom Caucus owning McCarthy. “The reason these people want to be on the Rules Committee is they want to screw things up for McCarthy. They want to micromanage every single thing that he brings to the floor,” [Rep. Jim] McGovern said. “He has given everything away, including his dignity, to try to become speaker. And if he becomes speaker, his nightmares just begin.” “He thinks this is bad—what he’s going through right now? He ain’t seen nothing yet, based on what he’s giving away.”
This morning everyone's thinking the same thing: what now? The House cultists will throw wrenches into all the works while displaying their little "white power" signs. The Senate will continue confirming a diverse slate of federal judges. President Biden will unveil increasingly-consequential and popular executive actions while preserving, protecting, and defending the Constitution. And the media will continue fixating on every kidnapped white woman and injured football player. It's morning in America. Have some soup.
CHEERS to bringing you’re A-game. Heart pounding. Palms sweaty. Anticipation heavy. And why not, with Robert Mueller adding super-duper aggressive prosecutors to his team, subpoenaing documents, and driving his modified snowplow through the walls of the evildoers' lairs? Oh, wait, sorry. I meant to say Merrick Garland. I always get the two justice nothingburgers confused. But anyway, maybe this other guy can save the republic from The Cult. If, that is, he can escape the clutches of the media narrative:
Two years after the US Capitol attack and with the 2024 election cycle looming, Special Counsel Jack Smith and his team of Justice Department prosecutors are combing through new testimony and evidence. He’s set to make critical decisions about whether to bring charges, possibly in a matter of weeks, according to people familiar with the matter. […] Ooooh...he gotted more documenz! Smith’s other probe—into how Trump handled government documents the FBI seized from his Mar-a-Lago estate—is further along to the point where some prosecutors believe they have enough evidence to charge the former president but there’s concern among others about bringing such a politically charged case. Trump has already declared he’s running for president again in 2024.
Oh rats. Right. It's too late. The presidential election is only a year and ten months away. Oh well. We tried. See you in the gulag!
CHEERS to world peace...or some approximation thereof. On January 9, 1951, the United Nations headquarters officially opened in New York City. From its preamble:
WE THE PEOPLES OF THE UNITED NATIONS DETERMINED True fact: the land for the U.N., which is international territory, was purchased by John D.Rockefeller,and came with its own troupe of Rockettes. • to save succeeding generations from the scourge of war, which twice in our lifetime has brought untold sorrow to mankind, and • to reaffirm faith in fundamental human rights, in the dignity and worth of the human person, in the equal rights of men and women and of nations large and small, and • to establish conditions under which justice and respect for the obligations arising from treaties and other sources of international law can be maintained, and • to promote social progress and better standards of life in larger freedom.
The U.N. drives conservative paranoids crazy because they think the men and women in the blue helmets are going to impose martial law and take control of our cities and towns without any regard for the principles of democracy. GOP, thy name is Projection.
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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x What’s going on when flamingos dip their heads under the water to eat? This underwater footage from the San Diego Zoo reveals how these long-legged, long-necked pink birds eat their food underwater and upside down
[full video:
https://t.co/PEVZcraNPK]pic.twitter.com/XB3WzIZf4E — Massimo (@Rainmaker1973) January 7, 2023
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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CHEERS to the Nutmeg State. Happy 235th birthday to Connecticut, which popped out of the womb of freedom on this date in 1788, becoming the fifth state in the union. It's responsible for giving us the nuclear submarine, Pez candy, lollipops, the Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court, beloved Daily Kos front-pager Greg Dworkin, Governor Ned Lamont, and Senators Chris Murphy and Dick Blumenthal. And also Joe Lieberman. Oh well…nobody's perfect.
JEERS to the mighty climate Wurlitzer playing the same tune but faster. I could make a hobby out of clipping articles in which scientists say that horrible things are happening to our planet at rates that are taking even them by surprise. Every month or two we read some version of the same old thing and oh look here's today's:
[T]he world’s glaciers are shrinking and disappearing faster than scientists thought, with two-thirds of them projected to melt out of existence by the end of the century at current climate change trends, according to a new study. […] Enjoy ‘em while you can. “No matter what, we’re going to lose a lot of the glaciers,” [lead study author David] Rounce, a glaciologist and engineering professor at Carnegie Mellon University, said. “But we have the ability to make a difference by limiting how many glaciers we lose.” The study calculates that all that melting ice will add anywhere from 3.5 inches (90 millimeters) in the best case to 6.5 inches (166 millimeters) in the worst case to the world’s sea level, 4% to 14% more than previous projections.
Join us next time when we'll hear the scientists say: "Oops. All out of glaciers." (Spoiler Alert: Faster than they thought.)
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Ten years ago in C&J: January 9, 2013
JEERS to Hacksaw McMeanie. Maine Governor Paul LePage haz a bit of a sad today. Seems he only achieved a half victory in his quest to convince HHS to approve his plan for making Maine sicker and deathier. Still, he does have a partial smirk on his face today because…
More than 20,000 low-income Mainers will lose health care coverage on March 1 because of Medicaid cuts sought by Gov. Paul LePage and approved this week by the federal government. … It also allowed the state to deny or reduce Medicaid health care and prescription drug coverage for 8,250 elderly and disabled adults in the Medicare Savings Plan.
Among civilized countries, only in America would that be called a solution. We're weird.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to decent piano playing skills. That's one of the few positive things I can say about Richard Nixon, who was born on this date in 1913. Said the late, great Andy Rooney: "I forget how Richard Nixon got elected. It makes you wonder about our democratic system of government. I mean, how could we have done that?" And in their great book Rating the Presidents, Bill Ridings, Jr. and Stuart McIver unwittingly fire back at the Trump cult who once complained that President Obama put his feet up on his desk:
Since he liked to sit with his feet on the desk, his heels left scars. Best thing he ever wrote. Once, while he was abroad, someone had the mahogany surface refinished. Nixon was not pleased: "Dammit, I didn't order that. I want to leave my mark on this place just like the other presidents." Richard Milhous Nixon left his mark, but it was more than scuff marks on a desktop. The mark he left behind was a scar on a nation he betrayed. In the cause of peace he achieved an enviable record in foreign affairs, proving himself a highly-effective president. Then he threw it all away.
For his 110th birthday, I got him the usual gift certificate to his favorite clothing store: The 18½ Minute GAP.
Have a tolerable Monday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial CNN Analysts Erupt With Laughter Over Image of Kevin McCarthy in Cheers and Jeers Kiddie Pool Begging For Drop of Water —Mediaite
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[END]
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