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Cheers and Jeers: Thursday [1]
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Date: 2022-12-22
When over at Daily Kos there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my porn Bible study to see what was the matter.
Away to the front page I flew like a flash,
"BREAKING: 45's legacy taken out with the trash." The sun high above set the nation aglow,
As if t'wer a spotlight switched on for this show.
At six the earth shook from a great seismic clamor,
As California's 55 votes dropped like Thor's mighty hammer. Despite Rudy's lawsuits that got shot down so quick,
The Constitution mandated we must cast out this prick.
More rapid than eagles the final results flew,
Trump's crimes would now haunt him from a defeat he couldn't undo: Bribery, extortion, using tax dollars to cheat,
Swindling, obstructing, kissing Vlad's hairy feet.
He's the lowest of lows. He deserves jailhouse walls.
Oh happy day, happy day—we got him by the balls. Back at the White House from his burger-strewn bed,
The loser tweeted rantings from his big dumb orange head.
"Voter fraud! Fake news! It's too early to call!
And another thing, my doctor says I'm SEVEN FEET TALL!!!" He was bloated and sweaty, a desperate old shit,
And he shook and convulsed during his big baby fit.
The fear in his eyes—oh, yes, it was there
He’d been felled by his nightmare: an election that was fair. Soon Joe and Kamala will get down to their work,
Unlike their predecessor, no task will they shirk.
And I heard them exclaim at Trump and his evil oligarchy
"306 to 232, man…and that’s no malarkey." The End
And now, our feature presentation...
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Cheers and Jeers for Thursday, December 22, 2022
Note: Here's the schedule for the rest of the week:
This morning: No C&J unless it happens via immaculate conception. [Update: It’s a miracle!!!]
Tomorrow: A Very Special Regular Evening C&J assuming we still have power as the cyclone bomb does its worst.
Next Monday: A Very Special Day Off
If you need to reach me over the weekend, I'll leave the telex machine on between 2-4 am. Feliz Navidad.
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By the Numbers:
13 days!!!
Days 'til 2023: 10
Days 'til Potato Expo 2023 in Aurora, Colorado: 13
Number of trials, as of this week, in which Harvey Weinstein was found guilty of rape: 2
Rank of Massachusetts, Connecticut, and Minnesota on the latest American Dream Prosperity Index: #1, #2, #3
Maine's rank on the list (although it's #1 in the nation for safety and security): #18
Number of blessings recited on, respectively, the first night of Hanukkah and the following nights: 3, 2
Year the first 30 Rockefeller Center Christmas tree was put up: 1933
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Your Thursday Molly Ivins Moment:
Abu Ghraib, the endless trials anent Kobe Bryant and Scott Peterson, war in Iraq looking worse every day, Howard Dean eliminated over a whoop and a presidential race so devoid of joy that the high point was when the president claimed God speaks through him—leaving us to contemplate the news that God doesn't know how to pronounce nuclear and has yet to master subject-verb agreement. "Performance enhancing drugs" in baseball. Ray Charles died. Karl Rove is Man of the Year. We're all overweight. Swift Boat Liars win the presidential race for Bush. Then just to round things off nicely, a terrible natural disaster. What a bummer. […] What Were They Thinking? Moment of the Year: Janet Jackson's "wardrobe malfunction" at the Super Bowl. Seriously, who planned that? Dumbest Reaction to Wardrobe Malfunction: FCC decides its job is to censor bad taste on television (got their life's work cut out for them, haven't they?), instead of preventing the truly obscene and dangerous concentration of ownership in the media. […] Well, friends, the old ball is starting another orbit of the sun, giving us all a chance to do better this time. Let's not blow it, because we sure look like dogmeat after this one. —December, 2004
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Puppy Pic of the Day: "Then, we meet Holly…"
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CHEERS to “wheelie” good news. As 2022 comes to a close, let us take a peek under the hood of the American transportation sector and see what Dark Brandon put under the Hanukkah bush for us this year:
School buses Federal and state governments are practically giving away electric school buses, and if your local district doesn't have its hand up yet, it should. The math is a no-brainer. Exhaust from diesel school buses makes kids sick and curbs cognitive development. Plus, diesel buses emit greenhouse gases that contribute to climate change. Electric school buses are a cleaner, safer alternative, and they're cheaper to operate—it costs about 14 cents a mile for electricity compared to 49 cents per mile for diesel fuel, according to Blue Bird, a leading school bus manufacturer. A new electric postal van at the Consumer Electronics Show in Las Vegas earlier this year. Postal vehicles President Joe Biden is wasting no time in office fulfilling his promise to battle rising global temperatures and climate change. In one step closer to his plan for federal government zero-emissions vehicles by 2035, the U.S. Postal Service announced today it will purchase 66,000electric vehicles, making it the largest fleet of electric vehicles in the nation, The Washington Post reports. The new trucks will replace the fleet of 30-year-old vehicles that do not have air conditioning or airbags and only get around 8.2 mpg Trucks The Biden administration on Tuesday announced stricter standards on smog-forming emissions from trucks, vans and buses starting in the 2027 model year, the first of several federal actions aimed at limiting vehicle pollution. Medium- and heavy-duty trucks represent only about 4% of vehicles in the U.S., but due to their larger size and greater travel distances, the vehicles consume more than25% of total highway fuel and comprise nearly 30% of highway carbon emissions, according to the Department of Energy. The new rules from the Environmental Protection Agency are the first update to clean air standards for heavy-duty vehicles in more than 20 years.
And in other transportation news: thanks to the addition of kelp to his team's feed, Santa's sleigh will run 67 percent cleaner this year by cutting down on reindeer burps.
CHEERS to welcome visitors. Strapping on his jetpack Sunflower One, Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy flew over to the United States steep, fast, and brimming with pluck yesterday, where he gave a speech to Congress and met with President Biden to plot the defeat of Russia. A bit of perspective from CNN's Stephen Collinson:
President Volodymyr Zelensky’s White House visit will symbolically bolster America’s role as the arsenal of democracy in the bitter war for Ukraine’s survival and send a stunning public rebuke to Russian President Vladimir Putin. The trip—Zelensky’s first outside Ukraine since Russia’s invasion in February—also highlights President Joe Biden’s historic role in reviving the Western alliance that kept the Soviet Union at bay and is now countering new expansionism by Moscow in an effective proxy war between nuclear superpowers. Zelensky’s arrival will draw poignant echoes of British Prime Minister Winston Churchill’s arrival in Washington, 81 years ago on Thursday, days after the Japanese attack on Pearl Harbor. That Christmas visit cemented the alliance that would win World War II and built the post-war democratic world.
Meanwhile, Vladimir Putin strapped on a fresh diaper and traveled to Belarus, where he begged President Lukashenko to give him more high-tech weaponry including potato catapults, all-terrain Yugos, and pointed sticks. All were agreed to except the latter as they could poke someone’s eye out.
CHEERS to famous first lines. 245 years ago this week, in 1776, Thomas Paine wrote: "These are the times that try men's souls." Well, thank you, Captain Understatement.
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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x MAJOR ANNOUNCEMENT! My official Myrna Tellingheusen Digital Trading Card collection is here! These limited edition cards feature amazing ART of my life & career as executive secretary to Stanley Bogenshoots at Hughes Aircraft! Only $99 each! Would make a Christmas gift. pic.twitter.com/D2E0HybVYm — Myrna Tellingheusen (@PearlsFromMyrna) December 15, 2022
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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JEERS to ye jolly old fireball. We pulled this nugget off the Internet so it must be true:
"To deliver his gifts in one night, Santa would have to make 822.6 visits per second, sleighing at 3,000 times the speed of sound. At that speed, Santa and his reindeer would burst into flame instantaneously."
And yet...Santa does make his 822 visits per second, and does travel at 3,000 times the speed of sound, and he does deliver his gifts in one night, and he has not self-combusted. In fact, every year he gets tracked by NORAD. So someone owes Santa—and the world—an apology. How do I lodge a complaint with the internet?
JEERS to kicking your core voters in the face. Right on cue, Congress dithered and frittered and procrastinated on the most important item of the year: a federal budget. "Show me your budget and I'll show you who you are," says President Biden a hundred times a day. And if this is any indication, Democrats got rolled again. What a travesty:
The fiscal 2023 omnibus spending bill lawmakers released early Tuesday morning keeps funding flat for the Title X family planning program at $286.5 million for the ninth year in a row, a blow to reproductive health groups that had argued the fall of Roe v. Wade warranted a substantial increase. Well, apparently it is. NARAL, Planned Parenthood and the National Family Planning and Reproductive Health Association blasted the decision. […] “Congress had a clear directive and they failed to deliver,” said Planned Parenthood President Alexis McGill Johnson. “At a time when Roe v. Wade has been overturned and health care access is under increasing threat, this bill fails to meet the moment.” [W]ith Republicans taking control of the House in 2023 this omnibus was the last chance for the foreseeable future to boost family planning funding.
If Joe signs it, be prepared to hear him lean on a new slogan: "We can't let the shitty be the enemy of the barely adequate."
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Ten years ago in C&J: December 22, 2012
JEERS to God's little tin-eared soldier. As we remember the victims on this, the one-weekiversary of the Newtown massacre, let us also remind ourselves of the universal truth under which we all live: Newt Gingrich is a dick. He claims that, because we are "driving God out of secular life," God is retaliating by allowing crazies with guns to shoot up schools and churches and theatres and Lord knows where he'll send us our next bullet-riddled message that we've lost our way. (In a gospel church, God? Really?!!) That kind of thinking, of course, is a self-evident lie. Unlike, say Newt Gingrich is a dick, which is a self-evident truth.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to saving our celluloid. Twenty-five movies from yesteryear have been inducted into the 34th class of the National Film Registry. Many of them—Ironman, Carrie, The Little Mermaid, When Harry Met Sally—are mainstream hits. Others are less known but significant in their own right, such as…
“Mardi Gras Carnival” film from New Orleans in 1898, which represents the earliest known surviving footage of the festival. Long thought to be lost, a copy of the film was recently discovered at the Eye Filmmuseum in the Netherlands. In 2013, the Library released a report that determined 70 percent of the nation’s silent feature films have been lost forever and only 14 percent exist in their original format. “Union Maids,” an Oscar-nominated documentary film from 1976, was directed by Julia Reichert, James Klein and Miles Mogulescu. It told the story of three female Union workers in the 1930s and their days of conflict and confrontation with American corporations. The three women — Kate Hyndman, Stella Nowicki, Sylvia Woods — emerge as unique, compelling voices. “Word is Out: Stories of Some of Our Lives.” The [1977] film would become a landmark in the emerging gay rights movement. Composed of a mosaic of interviews, a diverse group of interviewees discuss their lives as gay men and lesbians at a time when depictions of gay men and lesbians as “everyday people” were extremely rare.
As ever, I remain hopeful that the all-time greatest movie ever—Cats and Dogs—will one day find itself nestled among the NFR's pantheon of greatness for its message of universal truth in a world gone mad: "Dogs drool, cats rule."
Have a nice Thursday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial A new trailer is out for Christopher Nolan's forthcoming thriller Cheers and Jeers. The movie stars Cillian Murphy as Bill in Portland Maine, often referred to as the "father of the kiddie pool," and is set to debut on July 21, 2023. —CNET
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[END]
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