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Cheers and Jeers: Thursday [1]
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Date: 2022-12-15
As I mentioned this week in a C&J column worthy of a Pulitzer, I did some shopping around and discovered I was perfectly fine with the quality of my current plan, which will cost me three bucks less than last year because of the premium support. I believe thanks for that goes directly to the Democrats in Congress for beefing up the ACA in their covid relief package. Many people can find a plan for a low or even no-cost premium, and that ain't bad. So if you need coverage, get coverage. If ya got coverage, help yourself…
It’s okay. Obamacare also covers type-2 diabetes.
And now, our feature presentation...
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Cheers and Jeers for Thursday, December 15, 2022
Note: For the treatment of minor aches and pains, ask your doctor if asking your doctor is right for you. And just to be sure, ask your doctor if asking your doctor for a second opinion from your doctor is right for you. Then just go grab a fistful of pills from the dispensary when they’re not looking and run like hell.
—Your Friends at BillyCo Pharmaceuticals
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By the Numbers:
16 days!!!
Days 'til the start of Hanukah: 3
Days 'til Krumpe's Donut Drop in Hagerstown, Maryland: 16
Number of Black women nominated by President Biden who have been confirmed to a federal circuit court, more than all previous presidents combined: 10
U.S. inflation rate in June and November, respectively: 9.1%, 7.1%
Percent of college students polled by College Pulse who say they can't imagine themselves registering as a Republican in the next 10 years: 66%
Year that Republican President George W. Bush awarded Dr. Anthony Fauci the Presidential Medal of Freedom: 2008
Age of 'last Hawaiian princess' Abigail Kinoiki Kekaulike Kawānanakoa when she died this week: 96
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Your Thursday Molly Ivins Moment:
Here's to all the Americans on both sides of this year's unusually peppy fights over the allowability of religious symbols on public property. This annual battle, in which the American Civil Liberties Union strives once more to make itself as popular as the Grinch, is over the part of the First Amendment that says the government cannot sponsor religion. I always liked what former Gov. Ann Richards said when informed there were demands that the large star on top of the state capitol come down. "Oh, I'd hate to see that happen," she drawled. "This could be the only chance we'll ever have to get three wise men in that building." —December, 2004
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Thaaaaat's entertainment…
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JEERS to Fiscal Cliff Theatre. Let's check in and see how the budget negotiations are going between Democrats and Republicans as the Friday night deadline for a government shutdown looms:
"Your Republican proposal is like magic beans and fairy dust."
"Well, your Democrat counter-proposal is like glitter gumdrops and butterscotch rainbows."
"Yours is like waterfall wishes and pudding ponies!"
"Yours is like lollipop Segways and koala bear masseurs!"
"Yours is like unicorns and flying pigs!!!"
"Yours is like…um…hey, someone help me out here."
"Underpants gnomes and the Easter Bunny!"
"Nah, that doesn’t work—they actually exist. I need something imaginary."
After that it got kinda weird. This morning the debate continues with dueling super soakers.
JEERS to running out of time. Just a little reminder that if you have a flexible spending account as part of your health insurance plan, it's likely that you'll lose whatever money you have socked away if you don’t spend it within the next 16 days. Some things that are usually eligible: birth control, smoking cessation, cold remedies (NyQuil: humankind's greatest gift to itself), contact lens solution...stuff like that. But if your remaining balance is sizable enough, we'd advise you to buy something that'll deliver the most bang for your pre-tax buck: senators.
JEERS to the worst country in the world if you don’t count Iran, Russia, North Korea, Syria, and—[points to world map]—those other ones over there. Pardon my use of biblical phraseology, but Jesus Christ, China, what the f*ck is wrong with you??? You unleash covid on the world, and then you sit there marinating in it like you're Grandma's goulash stew. The virus perfectly capable of being tamed by their best and brightest is on the loose again:
China's hospitals are already under so much pressure, following the country's rapid 180-degree shift in Covid policy, that doctors and nurses could be infecting patients. It seems frontline medical workers are being told to come in even if they have the virus themselves because of staff shortages. […] China's hospitals have hastily increased their fever ward capacity to meet a huge influx of patients, but these have been filling up quickly, in part because the message is still not getting through that it is all right to stay at home if you catch the virus. [T]he goal of returning each outbreak to zero cases has been abandoned, Covid is spreading like wildfire and the line from the government is that catching this disease is not something to worry about.
It's covid's world now. We just live in it. Or not.
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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x they are a happy family, and their foster mother takes great care of them pic.twitter.com/9qo7WNGf0Y — If.You.Want.To.Be.Happy (@ifyuwnbehappy) December 11, 2022
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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CHEERS to 58 years of proudly waving, eh. On December 15, 1964, "after six months of debate and 308 speeches, passed by a majority vote in the House of Commons," Canada adopted the maple leaf flag:
Each of the tips on the leaf represent beer. The red and white colors signify...um...also beer.
We're not sure what the proper gift is for a flag on its birthday, so we defaulted to the usual: a pair of socks.
CHEERS to today's edition of Would You Like Some Aloe For Your Butthurt, Elon? Via CNN:
Bernard Arnault, the chairman of French luxury goods giant LVMH, has just become the first European to top Bloomberg’s list of the world’s richest people, relegating Elon Musk to second place. Now worth $171billion, Arnault’s wealth eclipsed the Tesla CEO’s $164 billion fortune on Tuesday, according to the Bloomberg Billionaires Index. … Musk’s net worth has tumbled by $107 billion this year, according to the Bloomberg Billionaires Index.
This has been today's edition of Would You Like Some Aloe For Your Butthurt, Elon?
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Ten years ago in C&J: December 15, 2012
JEERS to innocents lost. A mass shooting yesterday at an elementary school in placid New England—28 people killed, most of them students in grades K-thru-4. Sandy Hook is the second-deadliest school shooting after Virginia Tech and the frequency of these massacres is starting to get a little ridiculous, don't ya think? The President gave a statement in response that will go down as one of Obama's indelible moments. Meanwhile, a caravan of counselors was dispatched to NRA Headquarters to help them deal with the trauma of having to cancel a day's worth of fundraising emails calling for more guns and fewer gun laws. Let the healing begin.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to the brittle parchment of liberty. 232 years ago today, on December 15, 1791, the Bill of Rights was ratified. Let's take a moment for our annual review of The Precious before the Republicans have time to shred it:
I You can say anything you want except "Fire!" falsely in a crowded theater or "Donald Trump will one day win a legitimate honorary degree, Nobel Peace Prize, or Medal of Freedom" seriously in a crowded room of people with functioning brains; You can peaceably assemble in public spaces to call out the government when it's acting badly, but we reserve the right to pepper-spray libturds in the face, zip-tie your hands behind your back and haul your ass off to jail if we feel like it; The press has the freedom to treat the statements and policies of the left and the right as equally valid because we know you gotta sell papers and achieve your daily clickbait goals. Bonus 1st Amendment right: The United States is technically neutral on religion, except for prayers in Congress, and invocations at inaugurations, and language in proclamations, and at the end of political speeches, and during the Pledge of Allegiance, and in assorted draft legislation, and on your money, and to justify anything conservatives feel like enacting or repealing, and...oh, never mind. True fact: some Founding Fathers wanted to protect the right to keep and bear lawn darts in the 2nd Amendment, but they abandoned the idea because they were deemed “much too dangerous.” So they went with guns. II This amendment is the reason why this document is shielded by six-inch-thick glass. III You don’t have to let soldiers in your house. But police dressed like Seal Team Six can drive up in a surplus tank and bust down your door any old time. IV Prohibits unreasonable searches and seizures of your person, house, papers, and effects without a warrant. However, if one or more agents of the government slips on a banana peel and accidentally searches and seizes everything in sight to keep from falling down, well, c'mon, give 'em a break. V The amendment the totally-innocent Trump family started invoking like crazy this year when the subpoenas started going out. VI You have a right to a trial by a jury of your peers. Also called the Be Afraid, Be Very Afraid amendment. VII You have the the right to punch anyone in the face who blurts out a spoiler from an episode of White Lotus you haven’t seen yet. VIII Whoever authorizes the use of cruel or unusual punishment—like, say, waterboarding—is going straight to H-E-double-toothpicks. IX You have a lot more rights than these ten, but Jefferson lost the master list and we're kinda scrambling here at the last minute. So sue us. No, seriously. Use this amendment to sue us. X States don’t gotta do nuthin' if they don't wanna, and if you don’t agree then we're gonna secede. Also known as the Sore Loser amendment and the official motto of Texas.
To quote James Madison: "Eh...it was late and we were drunk. But we hope ya have fun with 'em."
Have a nice Thursday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial “You don’t need to know anything to splash in the Cheers and Jeers kiddie pool. You really don’t." —Conan O'Brien
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[END]
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