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Cheers and Jeers: Monday [1]
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Date: 2022-12-12
Biden Jobs (Apologies to ”Jingle Bells”) A day or two ago, I watched the evening news
And it was all so bad, I turned to drugs and booze
Inflation, crime and woe, were all they talked about
They left out all the happy stuff it made me want to shout. Oh! Biden jobs! Biden jobs! Millions hired this year!
GDP is just ducky that's reason for some cheer. Hey!
Biden jobs! Biden jobs! Paychecks growing large
Always lots of hiring with Democrats in charge. - Raphael (Apologies to ”Silver Bells”) City sidewalks, busy sidewalks
Georgians lined up for miles
Casting votes for a seat in the Senate Choose the werewolf or the vampire
It's a really weird vote
And when counting is done you will hear: Raphael! Raphael!
It's Warnock time in the Peach State
Fifty one, oh what fun
Schumer shouts "Hip hip hooray!"
[Drops mic]
[Throws underpants at audience]
[Gets ushered out of nursing home for terrorizing the residents]
And now, our feature presentation…
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Cheers and Jeers for Monday, December 12, 2022
Note: "The fire is slowly dying, and my dear we're still goodbying" is just liberal code for pre-marital fornication. Sign the petition to get this filth off the airwaves and out of our schools, and be sure to browse our fine selection of chastity rings, belts, and pledge forms in our online store. FREE shipping through CHRISTmas! —Mgt.
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By the Numbers:
9 days!!!
Days 'til the start of Hanukah: 6
Days 'til NOLA ChristmasFest: 9
Amount that President Biden is freeing up to support the Central States Pension Fund: $36 billion
Number of union workers and retirees who will benefit from the move: 350,000
Rise in wholesale prices in November, the fifth straight drop and down from 8% in October: 7.4%
President Biden's approval rating in the latest CNN poll, up from 41% in October: 46%
Percent of Democrats in the poll who approve of Biden's efforts to protect U.S. democracy: 88%
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Rough Monday morning commute…
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CHEERS and JEERS to good news and bad news. Planet Earth is chock-full of stuff going on, and if I posted it all individually they'd chew up all the pixels in the internet. So put on a sturdy pair of rocket shoes—it's time for a C&J Monday morning Good vs. Bad lightning round!
» Two polar bear cubs were born at the Toledo Zoo = GOOD » The fossil fuel industry has been gaslighting the world about its commitment to clean energy = BAD » After repeatedly getting their asses handed to them in elections, Republicans are now climbing back on the early voting/vote-by-mail train = GOOD » The Keystone pipeline just vomited up the most oil in its oil-spill history = BAD » An immigration-reform bill that doesn’t suck might get passed this month = GOOD Welcome back, Artemis. » Charges were dismissed against former MAGA Michigan governor Rick Snyder for allowing Flint's water supply to be poisoned = BAD » WNBA player and Olympian Brittney Griner is back in the U.S. after a prisoner swap with Russia = GOOD » But the MAGA idiots are screaming phony outrage because every other American held anywhere in the world wasn't also freed = BAD » Fox News’s future “hangs in the balance” due to Dominion’s lawsuit that’s underway = GOOD » Trump was found secretly hiding even more classified documents at Mar-a-Lago = BAD
And this just in: The Artemis 1 spacecraft returned from the moon yesterday after being hijacked by the Oprglorpians who will now destroy all of humanity with their Rastafarian space lasers. I'll let you decide if that's good or bad. I’m not sure yet—don’t wanna die, but the green cheese they brought back sure is tasty.
JEERS to keeping track of America’s fugliest numbers. I guess we should take one final look at the overall covid numbers before 2022 slithers into the history books. It goes without saying that the Republican anti-science, anti-vax movement gets the credit for the fact that a slayable virus is, in fact, alive and well nearly three years after the POTUS on duty when it broke out promised that "15 cases will go down to zero very quickly." So let's check the most depressing tote board in the world once again and see how that's working out: 653-million cases worldwide—over 16 percent of them in the U.S. And our death toll now sits between the population of America’s 10th-largest city San Jose and 9th-largest city Dallas:
3 years ago: 9 confirmed cases. 0 deaths 2 years ago: 17 million confirmed cases. 305,000 deaths. WARNING: Do NOT keep coronaviruses as pets. Stick to the much safer dogs, cats, squirrels, and piranhas. 1 year ago: 51 million confirmed cases. 817,326 deaths This morning: 101 million confirmed cases. 1,109,400 deaths
As we careen from the Year of Omicron to the Year of B.A. 5, we're once again bracing for a winter from hell, and the only way to lessen the burden on hospitals is to get people vaccinated, boostered, and masked up. To get skeptical Republicans on board, the CDC will work overtime to convince them that complying will hurt the environment, bring us closer to End Times, and totally own the libs.
CHEERS to the biggest star on the U.S. map. On December 12, 1800, Washington, D.C. was established as the capital of the United States. During those early days, everyone—the House, the Senate and the Supreme Court—was packed into the north wing of the Capitol building like sardines. They later moved into their own spaces. Mostly, historians say, because the place was starting to smell like sardines.
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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JEERS to the most activist activist judges ever. On December 12, 2000—in between rounds of strip poker—the Supreme Court reversed a Florida Supreme Court ruling that said, Hey, maybe we should, like, count all the votes or something:
In a brazen act of deceit, the five-justice majority issuing the Court's per curiam decision knowingly misrepresented December 12 as Florida's chosen deadline for completing the vote count. They held that Florida law allowed no time to count the remaining 175,000 votes: [...] The day SCOTUS went off the rails for the remainder of all of our lifetimes. This overt misrepresentation of Florida election law flabbergasted members of the legal profession from coast to coast. These same justices who on so many prior occasions had championed the rights of states had now casually and willfully nullified Florida law.
But at least President George W. Bush fulfilled his promise to restore dignity and competence back to the government. Yay. Squeaky Playskool gavels for everyone.
P.S. Whaddya bet that our first Chief Justice, John Jay, is spinning in his grave, knowing that the above abuse of judicial power was exercised on his birthday? Pay your respects, and sympathies, here.
CHEERS to opening wide and saying “Ahhhhfordable coverage.” A quick reminder that this Thursday is, for most states, the last day to sign up for a 2023 Obamacare health plan in time to start coverage on January 1st. Here, let me hit you over the head one more time with a flashy graphic I paid one million dollars to commission (rest assured the electricity is provided in an environmentally-friendly way, with 20% solar, 30% wind, 25% geothermal, and 20% used cooking grease, and 5% de-acidified conservative tears):
With sizable subsidies available again this year, I was able to maintain my decent “silver” plan. And after consulting with my death panel I added the option in which a plan provider distracts my maternal grandma with Matlock reruns so she’ll stop bugging me to come into the light at 3am. (Don’t tell her, but I'll be making the leap with my fraternal grandma—she gives me Reese’s Cups from her purse.)
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Ten years ago in C&J: December 12, 2012
JEERS to dealing with a house fire by pissing on the front steps. Here's a quick recap of the top 5 accomplishments at the U.N. climate talks in Qatar, which wrapped up over the weekend:
1. Cocktail parties.
2. Post-cocktail party sex in elevators. (yes, including the glass ones—hey, what happens in Qatar stays in Qatar, amiright?)
3. U.S. and China delegates hit the stripper bar while everyone else is holding talks and trying to figure shit out.
4. They agreed to fine cows $20 every time they burp or fart.
5. Pub Quiz!!!
The next meeting will be in 2015. Assuming we're still here in 2015.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to a peace-full moment. Congrats to this year's Nobel Peace Prize winners, jailed Belarus rights activist Ales Bialiatski, the Russian group Memorial, and the Center for Civil Liberties in Ukraine, who received their awards in Oslo, Norway Saturday:
Oleksandra Matviichuk of Ukraine’s Center for Civil Liberties dismissed calls for a political compromise that would allow Russia to retain some of the illegally annexed Ukrainian territories, saying that “fighting for peace does not mean yielding to pressure of the aggressor, it means protecting people from its cruelty.” [...] Bialiatski is the fourth person in the 121-year history of the Nobel Prizes to receive the award while in prison or detention. Russia’s Supreme Court shut down Memorial, one of Russia’s oldest and most prominent human rights organizations that was widely acclaimed for its studies of political repression in the Soviet Union, in December 2021. [...] Jan Rachinsky of Memorial said in his speech that “today’s sad state of civil society in Russia is a direct consequence of its unresolved past.”
They received their Nobel Peace Prize on International Human Rights Day, which passed the usual way: plenty of humans but not enough rights.
Have a tolerable Monday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial Republican Governor Hints at 2024 Run, Declares GOP Should Not Be a Party ‘Defined By Bill in Portland Maine's Kiddie Pool’ —Mediaite
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[END]
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