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Transgender Journey: Mutability of Identity [1]
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Date: 2022-12-06
Prologue
I have been working on this next entry since I wrote the last entry. It's been an interesting exercise to put these thoughts together in a way to help cis gender people relate. While my writing is not emerging as fast as I had hoped, I hope the result is clear and relatable.
Gradual identity mutation
Have you ever thought about your own identity?
Are you the same person as you were when you were twelve? How about thirteen? Fourteen? …
Keep on increasing the age until you get to your present age. At what point would you say that are an older version of your younger self? Was it five years ago? Ten years ago? Was it after your last child was born? Or maybe when your first divorce happened? Your college graduation?
When did you first look around and feel old for the first time? When did you realize your best buds felt immature?
When was the first time you noticed that some how everyone got young? When did you start thinking that someone who was 25 was no longer too old for you? But was rather too young?
We drift through life, one day disappears into the day before it. In the past, little bits of the old version of ourselves also flakes off to reveal the current version.
If we are very conscious about self-improvement, we might make plans and even consciously improve ourselves. We learn other languages, travel, make new friends, move, change jobs and careers, etc.
You would say you were still Shirley. Rachel. John. Peter. George. You are just a better/different version of "you".
One day leads in a smooth continuum to the next.
Future identity
Think about a couple getting married at age 25. The two lovebirds have been dating since college. 30 months now. Those 30 months represent 10% of their whole life. About a third of their adult life.
Both of them are mature and responsible FOR THEIR AGE.
In 20 years, would the marriage be viable if:
neither one of them had changed in 20 years of marriage, if one had changed and the other hadn't, if they changed such a way that in 20 years of marriage they had different values
Time changes each spouse to be different after twenty years. That change can result in a divorce or a couple that is inseparable.
Cracking the egg
While most changes happen gradually, sometimes changes happen sharply and suddenly.
Hollywood movies love the trope where the main character has a happy life, and then a major break happens:
The girlfriend discovers her boyfriend is cheating (Working Girl),
The reliable job is lost (Trading Places),
A best friend betrays the main character (Ghost),
Something happens that forces the character to confront the consequences of their behavior (Days of Wine and Roses, Groundhog Day)
That moment when the character's interpretation slams into the brick wall of truth makes for classic movie moments.
In the transgender community, "Cracking the egg" refers to the point when the trans person realized that they are transgender. It is a point in time where the trans person suddenly connects the dots in their behaviors, desires, people they find interesting, etc. At that moment in time, their egg cracks and their self-awareness of who they are fundamentally irrevocable changes. There is no egg uncracking.
We all have egg cracking moments. I gave some examples that show up in movies. In an earlier post, I referred to Argentine children of dissidents. I had an egg cracking moment when I took a 1 week computer programming summer rec class. I knew instantly that I wanted to be a computer software developer as a career.
Gender is just one facet of human identity. As a trans woman, I am more than my gender: “woman” In the same way a cisgender woman is more than her gender of “woman”.
Hard Shell
I had another facet of my identity that was blocking me from my egg being cracked until quite late in life.
I had a strong need to be a biological parent. I had to be a parent. I had to have kids. I cannot overemphasize how strong this need was. It defied any attempt by myself to understand why I. had. to. have. kids.
The parental need was as core as the need to breathe.
Thinking about doing anything that might affect my reproductive ability I found repulsive. My male sex organs were necessary to reproduce. When I heard about the surgeries involved to convert a penis into a vagina, I wanted to vomit because the surgeries would destroy the ability to reproduce. Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT) would block my ability to reproduce.
If I had realized that I was transgender before I had children the conflict between these two facets of my identity would have torn me apart.
My parental drive repressed my transgender nature.
Once I had my children, the reproductive "hard shell" of my identity was able to crack and my transgender identity started to emerge.
The egg cracks
A few years ago, I met up with a transgender woman. She and I had a long walk. She corrected my definition of transgender:
only some transgender people knew from childhood that they were transgender,
only some transgender people hate their sex organs,
only some transgender people want to have surgeries to remove their sex organs
She helped me realize that I was transgender. I could use that knowledge to transition to my true gender. If I chose to not transition, I would still be transgender.
Epilogue
As always, feedback is welcome! I now will start work on the next post.
[END]
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