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Why I Stopped Writing. [1]

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Date: 2022-11-28

Cover art by Robin and Anja White

This is one of those diaries that I’m writing just for myself- and a million thanks to Dkos for giving me the space to do so. As an exercise in getting my thoughts together, I could write in Open Office and post it to the ether but there’s something therapeutic in thinking some human, some soul, might see my words and empathize with me.

Therein the therapy.

I was a very, very prolific writer. Here and otherwhere. I’ve had, I think, 3 DKos names, yes they know I changed them and I did it the way Dkos said to do it. One of them even made the front page once. My, was I proud.

So, why stop writing?

Well, see, I created a World. I think it is a beautiful and wondrous world. Over the period of a decade I taught myself to write, and I created the World of Hyperboredia.

In that world, my warlock- my bumbling, inept but always willing to try and always smiling wizard, Hexer Stoze, walks and casts his spells- which is not always a good thing.

Just saying.

it is a GOOD story and it is well written. It was up on Amazon for about a year, had a few sales.

Thank you to that person in Japan who bought it.

I took it down because I edited the dang thing like, seven million, three hundred thousand and…

eight- times.

And still I had passages that needed excision. The comedy is good, the characters, I love each of them. From Lady DeGoode and Grunt the Troll, Podie Mischer the Alchemist and even the corrupt Sheriff Cready and Fastibus the commander of the Fae armies.

I love the Fae, like Dweela the criminal fae and her human paramour Jonny Ganova and the nasty necromancer, Emacius Declan who wants to rule the world. There is Madame Trix who runs the local establishment of somewhat ill repute in Dwoomsbury or Headmistress Dorndauga, of Holmstrand’s Magical Academy- Hexer’s erstwhile home before they ran him out- errrm, graduated him and asked him to explore the world- PLEASE (Poor world). I even love the Demon Ballsobub in his Hells.

It’s quite a bit over 100,000 words and as you can tell, maybe- my heart’s blood is in it. We made the best cover we could with limited resources and tried it. (Not an artist, I know, I know)

Why did I take it down? Well, despite being told it read as though I am the next Terry Pratchett, I knew it wasn’t good enough for sale. It now lives only on my hard drive and on a back up thumb.

My world is muted because I cannot afford an editor. The whole thing broke my self confidence. It’s damned hard for me to admit that, I am normally a very confident person, yet, admit it I must if ever I wish to move beyond it. This, it really made me question whether I was good enough as a writer to even be noticed. Perhaps I’m just not worthy?

I found an editor, after some looking. One of the first who offered to take the job was a young lady who immediately questioned every premise that made my story funny- that was a no go. The next fellow, we clicked.

He immediately saw the good things, saw the things that neeeded to be worked on and wanted to help. But he wanted $2000.00 and well, I work as a security guard. For me, that’s a huge amount of money. Plus, Covid hit and I now have no idea if the guy is still alive or even working at the craft. My thinking was that if a professional editor helped me with it, well, maybe he or she would know an agent. Ya never know, right? I had thought, during the lockdowns, that I would ask if anyone were bored and wanted to edit a good yarn- but that’s begging. I couldn’t bring myself to do that.

You have no idea how many polite “No, thank you” letters I have in my email. Not as many as there were excerpts sent out. Hehe, not by far. Many, many said they have no interest in comedic fantasy- great idea but better luck elsewhere!

I wrote two diaries yesterday and one common theme was the idea that I should write more. I should. I’m trying. The finances are getting better the longer Anja and I (My wife) live without the kids at home, but saving that much money is still difficult and well, I’m not getting any younger. Maybe one of my progeny will publish it, maybe I’ll win the lottery or something else will happen.

There is a piece in the first chapter that is just too long. I’ve been trying to get in there and excise it. But I open it up and look and, lords above and below- I’ve read it so many times, I agonize a bit then close it again. The ending also needs some polish, I need some advice there.

Writing here, these simple diaries, is a help- sheesh, I wish I had a dollar for every time I’ve been told “Dude, you should send that story to someone, that should be an animated FILM!” I thought so too, but I don’t move in that world and I have no idea how to break into it, but writing here does get my fingers back into practice. Keeps my mind sharp.

I’ve even started the sequel- “Heir Conditioning” which takes place in the fabled realm of Distant Sehrnah (As opposed to Far Boroo, the two are often confused), but that block is there because my self confidence is kaputt. That means broken, in German.

Maybe, just maybe, I’ll get it back. I really hope so.

So, now you know why I don’t write.

Thank you for listening to me talk.

Have a blessed day.

Kell

[END]
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[1] Url: https://www.dailykos.com/stories/2022/11/28/2138933/-Why-I-Stopped-Writing

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