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This *sshole Again [1]
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Date: 2022-11-18
Dunno about you, but I’m still riding high on last week’s wave of catharsis. Making sandwiches from leftover schadenfreude. Knocking ascendant American fascism on its ass gives one a warm, healthy glow, don’t you agree?
I’m sure you enjoyed the steady trickle of election news this week. It was like the closing stages of a night at one of those Brazilian steakhouses where they keep dropping by your table to tempt you with succulent meats. Oh, I couldn’t possibly have one more b-wait, Adam Laxalt lost? I’ll make room. Maybe one last serving of Slate of Trump-Endorsed Weirdos Goes Down in Flames.
That Arizona vote count was exquisitely paced, my compliments to the local deep state. First Finchem, (and if you haven’t already, treat yourself to his Twitter meltdown*) then Thiel’s pet ghoul, and finally, Kari Lake, a crushing disappointment to those who like their autocracy best when it’s lit like mid-period Joan Crawford.
There doesn’t seem to be as much stomach to keep election denialism going this time around, (because of all the losing,probably) but I’m sure Lake is willing to spend as much of Mike Lindell’s money as it takes to keep her face in front of the endlessly bilkable MAGA mob. Her first move was to fly down to Mar-a-Lago to meet with the 45th President of the United States and a pro wrestling promoter, because that’s just how shit works in this, our healthiest of all possible democracies.
Anyway, given expectations, I barely minded when they finally announced that Kevin McCarthy would, in fact, gain just enough rope in the Congress to come to hang himself, heading a tiny, tottering majority, held together with scotch tape, anal leakage, and Marjorie Taylor Greene, (but I repeat myself) assuming he isn’t accidentally killed in some Freedumb Caucus hazing ritual first.
One can’t help but draw comparisons, with one of the most significant and effective House Speakers in history passing the torch this week. Nancy Pelosi’s accomplishments are too impressive to even discuss in my crass little blog, whereas K-Dawg sold American democracy out at every opportunity for the chance to spend two years stage-managing The Hunter Biden Show. And he’s the very best they’ve got.
Honesty, watching the turdpit knife fight taking place in what’s left of the Republican Party, now that we’ve skimmed the last microscopic traces of decency off the top…it’s been a bit nauseating, but I’m generally enjoying myself. It’s not so much an intraparty civil war as the worst human beings alive clawing at one another’s eyes over the keys to a used death cult.
Decisively defeated for the second time this year, Sarah Palin says people should completely stop donating to the GOP,and I suppose I’d feel stranger about thinking, “Sarah Palin is right! Everybody should listen to Sarah Palin!” if I hadn’t spent the last couple years sharing Bill Kristol tweets.
Rick Scott is so used to failing upwards, he actually asked for a promotion after blowing $200 million as head of NRSCwith nothing to show for it except a slightly smaller spotlight on Joe Manchin. Didn’t get it, oddly.
Even within a movement defined by big lies and livestock dewormer consumption, Mike Pence stands out as uniquely delusional, and so he’s shuffling around on his sad little book tour, ahead of a doomed Don’t Lynch Me, Vote For Me! presidential run, and I think we’ll all be grateful for the comic relief during the infuckingterminable campaign to come.
Because, as you know, the Once and Future Crotchtumor officially reinflicted himself upon the nation’s politics, in a rambling, unendurable, Stephen Miller-scripted diatribe, titled American Carnage II: Yes I Just Cost You the Senate But I Really Don’t Want to Go to Prison Boogaloo.
The announcement event was, as you can imagine, the bottom-feedingest shindig on the white nationalist social calendar. Like, already-forgotten Hitler youth Madison Cawthorn showed up, but Matt Gaetz sent his regrets. Matt. Gaetz. Good lord, how much loserstink do you have to emit to repel that clout-hungry pervert? Only Donald Trump knows.
But the Republican establishment is gonna stand up to him this time. For real and for serious. Not like Charlottesville or Lafayette Square or either impeachment trial or the Capitol Riot or that time he made Lindsey Graham give MBS a lap dance at Camp David.
It’ll work, too. Easy peasy lemon squeezy. Why, the QAnon Shaman was so impressed with Rupert Murdoch’s “Florida Man Makes Announcement” slight in the New York Post, he immediately endorsed Larry Hogan.
Of course, the whole “moderate” Republican plan is to lob the occasional plausibly deniable half-criticism, Mike Pompeo-style, while privately praying shiny new special counsel Jack Smith incarcerates their problems away. Real profiles-in-courage shit.
That special counsel appointment was the cherry on top of a rough legal week for MAGA, between the Weisselberg testimony and the Oath Keepers trial and the former McConnell/Paul aide convicted of funneling Russian money to the Trump campaign and the federal judge blocking DeSantistan’s fashy little “Stop Woke” law and the news about Off-Brand Orbán abusing the IRS to target enemies and laundering foreign bribes through his D.C hotel and I’m setting the newspaper down before this paragraph collapses under the weight of the links.
We also learned Herschel Walker would rather be a werewolf than a vampire, and so long as he’s not a Senator, I say let him do what he wants.
Some news: taking a page from Elon Musk’s playbook, I will be demanding a loyalty pledge from all readers going forward. I’m still futzing around with the language, but I’m willing to accept your tithe in beer, I’m not a monster. Additionally, taking the immediately following page, I will now spend all available time demonstrating my personality defects to the world, at great personal cost, for reasons which I assure you make perfect sense to my therapist.
Okay, folks, I am going to go toast Nancy Pelosi until I can’t see straight. And just a heads up, NO BLOG NEXT WEEK, on account of the Thanksgiving holiday; may you navigate any interactions with Q-curious family members with minimal screaming/bloodshed. See you in December!
*Shower Cap’s Blog is not responsible for any hubris-related service interruptions on any social media platforms, and may not be held liable.
As ever, this entire post was merely an elaborate excercise designed to trick you into signing up on my email list at showercapblog.com.
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