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Comprehensive review of Republican Tears. [1]

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Date: 2022-11-16

Ah, the tears of an Insurrectionist, almost as good as GOP tears.

Just a little fun.

I have been studying Republican tears for some time. I graduated “Suma-cry-loudly” from Waterworks University in Niagara Falls, NY in 2016. I dedicated my life’s work to research and have made some remarkable discoveries. Throughout my years of evaluating the tears of Republicans I have come to understand the intricate details of how Republican tears are produced and their characteristics that will help others to better understand the true nature and characteristics of a Republican’s tears. Today, I have decided to share that knowledge with you, the fine readers of DK in the hopes that a better understanding of Republican tears may help you and others when choosing the best tears to drink at different social gatherings. Like a sommelier of tears I intend to give you a comprehensive review of each of the five tear groups and the information that will allow you to choose the best tears for your special occasion.

There are five different kinds of tears produced by Republicans, we categorize them best by taste. In accordance with human taste buds we generalize them into the five taste groups of Salty, Sweet, Bitter, Bland and Umami.

We begin our review with the most common of Republican tears the Bland Tears. Bland Tears are produced whenever a Republican needs to garner support from their base. These tears being easily produced, are cheap and lack the flavor or a more comprehensively produced tears, and are generally a watered down version of what one might call “real” tears. Bland Tears and are often called by their better known name, Crocodile Tears. They are like a precursor to quality tears and can be stored up over a period of time to produce better quality tears. The best place to find these tears is inside a courtroom, when a Republican is in front of a judge, or other public venue when a Republican or insurrectionist is being recorded or is live on TV. These tears are often accompanied but larges amount of verbal hogwash such as proclaiming innocence, denying culpability for some action, or claiming personal injury from the action of others. Bland Tears go well with appetizers, salads, and the occasional light or cream style soup. They can be consumed in large quantities and are generally low in fat and substance. These tears age well and gain flavor when stored for longer periods of time. However, when fresh they lack any depth of flavor and can be easily substituted in recipes with something like water if you are short of Bland Tears.

Sweet Tears are a bit harder to come by. They are usually produced after such events as successfully blocking immigrants from entering the country, putting children in cages, banning abortion, passing legislation that reduces taxes on the rich, criminalizing diversity, blocking whole segments of voters from being able to vote, sexually assaulting subordinates or underage partners, or from passing any nonsense legislation that makes them or their cronies more money. Sweet Tears are becoming more difficult to come by, they are much more expensive and usually only shared amongst other Republicans and are well hidden from the public in general. In order to obtain them you have to actually know a Republican and have the skills to collect them safely. Sweet Tears can only be consumed in small quantities and either on an empty stomach, with an accompanying counter agent, or they may induce vomiting. Sweet Republican Tears are not for everyone and are what some would call an acquired taste. Those that are successful at acquiring the taste are usually those with a propensity to believe conspiracy theories. Generally we advise not consuming them. However, if you are in a situation where refusing them would be inappropriate like at a 2016 Thanksgiving dinner at home in a red state, then we advise that you consume them with effective comfort foods to allow them to pass without upsetting your stomach.

Salty Tears are considered by many to be the best tears on the market. They are produced when a Republican feels rage, or anger. The best places to collect them is at any election headquarters after a Republican loses an election, in a Republican caucus meeting after a new democratically appointed Judge gets confirmed, or anywhere a Republican is when they discover that a previously enacted piece of Republican legislation is overturned. Salty Tears go well with almost anything, are a versatile accompaniment to any dish served at a fine restaurant, and have a euphoric after taste that leaves you wanting more. They are high in vitamins and nutrients, are best served fresh and chilled between 38-45 degrees. Like a fine wine we highly recommend them and they have often been rated between 90 and 100 by Tears Spectator Magazine. A good price for these tears is any cost, anytime, anywhere. An additional benefit is that investing in these tears has been recommended by most economists too, as they are tend to go up in value over time. You can invest in these tears by donating to your local democratic committee or candidate.

Bitter Tears, or as they are often referred to as the tears of regret, are an up and coming delight. They are produced only when condition are perfect, like when Republicans realize that their next presidential candidate is probably going to be Donald Trump, or when Trump announces the formation of a new political party. These tears have been produced on several occasions in the past, but have been difficult to secure and come at a high cost. But the cost / value ratio is appropriate at any level. These tears go well with red meat served on the rare side, tomato based seafood dishes, and dishes that are rich in flavor like duck liver and cognac pate. Bitter Tears can also be served with just deserts.

Umami Tears are the rarest of tears on the market. They are often called the tears of sorrow. The last time these tears were available in abundance was after the death of Ronald Regan. MAGA Republicans in general cannot produce them. However, some theorize that, as the rarest of tears in this category, they may be able to be collected from MAGA Republicans after the loss of their god Trump. They have been known to be produced by True GOP Republicans after the loss of an election race to a democrat and have been reported after Republicans are told they actually have to do their job. Some say that you can collect them after Republicans have been told that they cannot use campaign money for their own personal gain. There was a recent shortage of them for four years but we expect more of them to be on the market soon. These tears are best served with chicken, fish, and hearty soups. These are good fall back tear for any occasion.

A few notes from the author. It is known that Republican tears can be addicting, and should not be consumed regularly as they can be toxic over time. It is best to savor the tears of Republicans and while ingesting the tears of Republicans in small quantities can lead to a more vibrant life, feeling of euphoria and a better sex life, large quantities of Republican tears can cause Erectile Dysfunction, apathy for activism, and reduced voter turnout. So please drink responsibly.

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[1] Url: https://www.dailykos.com/stories/2022/11/16/2136590/-Comprehensive-review-of-Republican-Tears

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