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Transgender journey: The unbecoming, unsticking of labels, and identity disillusioning [1]
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Date: 2022-11-13
Labels
As infants and toddlers, we asked our caregivers to help us understand who we are and how we should be safe. Those caregivers provide answers and labels.
You are a #Catholic. #Protestants have rejected the truth.
You are #Jewish. You will be persecuted for your identity. It doesn't matter if you are not a practicing #Jew. Your nose or your name is enough for others to target you.
You are a #Black man. #White women will accuse you of crimes.
You are #Rich. You deserve to be borne #Rich.
You are #Greek-American.
Your name is #Regina. It means "the reigning queen". (The poverty you live in doesn’t change the fact that you are “royalty”)
Your name is #George. It means "farmer". (Sorry that you live in a Concrete Jungle; you are still a farmer)
Your family came from Scotland.
You are a #boy.
You are a #girl.
You are #smart.
You are #arrogant.
You are a #boy. #Boys like being with #Girls. If you like being with #boys then you are #gay.
Every single item on the above list is a label. A label that someone affixed to you. A label that you affixed to yourself. Some things seem immutable. A Black man can't easily change to be a White man. Other labels "rich", "poor" are a current statement of an economic condition. Some labels are about a family origin story.
Some labels we decide to change over our lives. We might change religions. We might decide that change our behavior in order to change a label.
Certainty of Birth Certificate
Most people started from the certainty of the truthfulness of what our birth certificate says:
Our name
Our mother
Our father
Our sex
The birth date that we came into the world
Our family's religion
That birth certificate takes on a certain unchangeable truth. The origin story/Genesis of us. A foundational starting point upon which our life will be built from. We may change from that foundational starting point but that starting point is 100% accurate.
It is the data point of our genes.
(un)Certainty of Birth Certificate
What if that birth certificate is omitting details or if it is inaccurate?
What happens to our sense of self when the piece of paper that announce our existence to the world was altered?
During World War II, Christian families would take into their homes Jewish infants as their own. To save their Jewish neighbors' children a Christian identity would be created and the Jewish identity would be altered and erased.
The Argentinian child might wonder why they are the only blond child. This slight difference is at first easily explained away. "Uncle Jose is also blond" works until Uncle Jose shows up with red hair and the child realizes that Uncle Jose has been bleaching his hair. Then other physical differences are gaining more significance, until the now adult discovers their true identity and the falseness on their birth certificate.
Imagine the turmoil such a child would feel when they discovered that their mother and father were not the biological parents. That their real biological parents were killed and they were handed off to people who supported the killers?
Everything on their birth certificate was a lie, their name, the parents, the family history, their connection to human history.
Identity becomes unmoored.
For transgender people, our identity around gender starts separating in similar ways. Over the 4 decades, I experienced a series of events that felt odd. Everything from "why is it so hard to figure out dating?" to "why don't I get sexually excited by wearing women's jeans - yet I enjoy wearing them?"
I would label myself as "shy", "crossdresser", "kinky", etc. Each time I found a new label I would try it on for size. The new label would apply to some aspects of myself but not to well.
The core problem is that I was starting off with the presumption that my birth certificate describing my birth SEX was also describing my GENDER.
I had bought into gender essentialism. The world was telling me that gender essentialism was good and proper. Yet the world's gender essentialism was leaving me feel like a sexual creep. More and more I felt this wrongness.
It made many aspects of my social life difficult. My instincts as to how I should behave with men and women would have me regarded as gay by men and a creep by women.
All my connections with others was on manual mode. I had to explicitly think through how to behave with every person. Every interaction required analysis.
This person is a woman. Can I ask to give her a hug?
I want to express appreciation for the way a woman is dressed. I see other men do it this way. I will try to remember exactly the words they used. How far they stood from the woman.
A guy is laughing. Is his comment an attack on me? or is he being friendly?
How do I ask a woman out on a date?
What do I on a date?
What do I say on a date?
Every single social interaction was effort. Nothing came naturally.
Some things did feel correct. I liked dresses. Cotton panties felt correct. I liked being with men and women. But bisexual didn't really fit, because I liked being with women as a man and being with men as a woman. My sexual orientation changed to be complementary to my partner's.
I met a schizophrenic (self described) person after my transition. He was very open about his world. He knew that the space aliens were controlling him and me. He also knew that I didn't believe in the space aliens. He accepted my inability to see the true reality. He knew that he needed to follow a strict set of personal behavior rules to avoid enabling the space aliens to take control of his body and cause him to hurt himself or others.
https://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/they_live ) If this sounds familiar, it should. This is the plot for the movie They Live
In the movie, the main character Nada discovers sunglasses that enable him to see the true reality. Unsurprisingly, Nada discovers that people refuse to believe him and regard him as crazy.
There were points in my journey, where I felt crazy. I felt like I was this insane person, maybe even a budding sexual predator. All I knew that was "true" felt ... off.
I started cosplaying as a woman. More and more I would see how many articles of women's clothing I could wear and still be perceived as a man. I kept on dancing closer and closer.
I justified having my beard removed because my spouse didn't like me in a beard and shaving was a pain. I replace briefs with panties. Men's jeans with women's jeans. Men's shoes with women's shoes. Socks, t-shirts, the list goes on. I was down to just a few male shirts in the end.
I justified growing breasts using because I want to see how much I could push the boundaries of "male" v "female".
You know normal things that everyone does as they explore gender. Lol.
What is the thing that it is exactly the same in every single vacation?
x YouTube Video
… You!
The REAL me
Finally, I stopped being the false me… and began ME!
Request
Cisgender people, I need your help. Please let me know what questions you would like me to explore.
[END]
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[1] Url:
https://www.dailykos.com/stories/2022/11/13/2135769/-Transgender-journey-The-unbecoming-unsticking-of-labels-and-identity-disillusioning
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