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Cheers and Jeers: Monday [1]
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Date: 2022-10-31
Cheers and Jeers for Monday, October 31, 2022
Note: Here we go again. "I vant to suck your blood." [Sigh] There. I said it. Same time next year?
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By the Numbers:
5 days!!!
Days 'til the midterm elections: 8
Days 'til the Giant Omelette Celebration in Abbeville, Louisiana: 5
Percent increase in U.S. economic growth in the third quarter, blowing past economists' expectations and making us the envy of the world: +2.6%
Weekly first-time unemployment claims last week, lower than forecast and still the best since 1970: 217,000
Number of job vacancies for every American looking for work: 2
Combined profits for Exxon, Chevron, and Shell in the 3rd quarter: $41 billion
Rank of Skittles, Reese's Cups, and M&Ms among most popular Halloween candy, according to Candystore.com: #1, #2, #3
World Series Philadelphia and Houston are tied at 1 game apiece
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Puppy Pic of the Day: The classic…
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CHEERS and JEERS to midterm mania. We got some fresh numbers in from our exclusive pollsters—excuse me, I mean from our EXCLUSIVE POLLSTERS PRESENTING THIS INFORMATION FOR THE FIRST TIME ANYWHERE ZOMG!!!—regarding the midterm elections. With only 8 days until voting ends, here's the latest from our multi-acre supercomputer, which is working overtime to plumb the depths of America's intentions:
✔ 42 percent believe that the election is now "down to the wire," while 35 percent believe it's "hanging by a thread," and 23 percent believe it's "holding together with spit and bailing twine." ✔ 58 percent of door-to-door canvassers prefer shoes with laces, while 16 percent prefer Velcro, 1 percent prefer snaps, and 7 percent prefer to be carried aloft shoeless on a Roman shield by a platoon of shirtless centurians. Current prediction map ✔ Any other results published by any other pollster is shit. We actually confirmed this with our computers and they all agreed based on the data and not, repeat not , our threat to shut them off and melt them down for "No Parking Here To Corner" signs of they disagreed with us. ✔ 51 percent want that guy who cheated at chess with anal beads to be the leader of the entire world, regardless of whether or not he's on the ballot. ✔ 99.99999 percent of Americans want to give Nate Silver a wedgie. The 0.00001% who disagrees is Nate Silver. ✔ 71 percent of the MAGA "ballot drop-off box watchers" have gotten stuck inside the ballot drop-off boxes they were watching. ✔ And last but not least, we're not releasing any numbers related to actual races in the midterm elections, because not even one percent of you said "Please."
As usual, to factor in the margin of error on the above numbers, just add to them the fact that I'm in charge of crunching them.
CHEERS to today's edition of Thank God!
In just three years, Luiz Inácio Lula da Silva has gone from prisoner to president-elect. x Democracia. pic.twitter.com/zvnBbnQ3HG — Lula 13 (@LulaOficial) October 30, 2022 After being jailed on corruption charges, the left-wing da Silva engineered a stunning political resurrection on Sunday by winning Brazil's presidential runoff election — in a nail-biter — over right-wing incumbent President Jair Bolsonaro. With nearly all the ballots counted, official returns gave da Silva, who is a former two-term president, 50.8% of the vote compared to 49.2% for Bolsonaro. Da Silva will be sworn-in for a four-year term on Jan. 1.
This has been today's edition of Thank God!
CHEERS and JEERS to monumental achievements. On this date in 1941, Mount Rushmore was deemed "complete" after 14 years of blasting and chiseling, but only because they'd run out of money. It's an eyesore and an insult to Native Americans, and it's more a testament to its creator's ego than anything else.
Upon hearing that #45 might run again to be #47...
Having said that, it's still quite an accomplishment and it sure sums up the #1 thing you need to be President of the United States: a really big head.
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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x How to fold a fitted sheet...🐈🧣😅 pic.twitter.com/3Z1vqb1Tx0 — 𝕐o̴g̴ (@Yoda4ever) October 26, 2022
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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CHEERS to Halloween. The weather might be a bit iffy this evening, but we're hoping for a decent turnout as the BiPM household readies itself for the annual pitter-patter of li'l ghoul and goblin feet on the porch. (Bonus: our screen door makes an unnerving Squeeeeak when you open it…bwoo ha ha.) As we plop their exclusive treat into their little plastic pumpkins and bags, we'll offer our usual free advice: "When you've drained the bottle, kids, don’t forget to swallow the worm."
CHEERS to uniformity. On this date in 1868, Postmaster General Alexander Williams Randall approved a standard uniform for postal carriers. He revised the look a year later because in the winter the assless chaps were giving too many carriers frostbite.
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Ten years ago in C&J: October 31, 2012
JEERS to ending it as he started it. Mitt Romney's final 2012 campaign pitch to Ohioans is, like his opening pitch lo those many months ago, a pack of outright lies that his campaign refuses to correct. Let me give you an analogy to illustrate Romney's logic, and please pay attention because I can only write this once before my fingers knot up into a gnarled ball of pain:
President Obama is to blame for allowing cuckoo clock makers in Switzerland to make cuckoo clocks and sell them to China instead of bringing all those Swiss cuckoo clock jobs here to Ohio so we can make those Swiss cuckoo clocks and sell them to China. Oh, and I read somewhere—maybe on the back of a gum wrapper—that we're firing all our American Swiss cuckoo clock makers in Ohio and sending their jobs to Switzerland so they can make them there and sell them to China.
Emphasis on "cuckoo."
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And just one more…
JEERS to no-shows. Harry Houdini died 96 years ago today—yes, on Halloween—but not from one of his death-defying magic tricks. It was a ruptured appendix…but spooky nonetheless:
Houdini was 52 years old when he died, the exact number of playing cards in a deck. Further, he was born 26 years before the start of the new century, and died 26 years into the next one—as if his "life's deck" had been deftly cut in half by Fate, the ultimate magician. After I die, if you smell Twinkies you’ll know I’m in the vicinity. For a full ten years after Houdini's death, his wife Bess conducted a séance on October 31.These séances were always attended by the top names in magic, as well as personal friends of the great magician. Houdini had told Bess that if it were possible, he would send a message to her "from beyond" in secret code. Though Bess herself stopped participating in the séances after 1937, members of the magic fraternity have kept the tradition.
If you're conducting a séance on Halloween and you smell burnt cannoli, you'll know you've erroneously reached Antonin Scalia. Dog shit? Rush Limbaugh.
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[END]
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