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Cheers and Jeers: Wednesday [1]
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Date: 2022-10-26
Cheers and Jeers for Wednesday, October 26, 2022
Note: Cat vomit on your wood or tile floor, carpet or upholstery? Forget the OxyClean. Call our dog at 555-1212. No job too big or too small. That’s our dog at 555-1212. Call now!
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By the Numbers:
9 days!!!
Days 'til Festivus: 58
Days 'til the Festival of Wood and Barrel-Aged Beer in Chicago: 9
Jobs added in the third quarter of 2022: 1.1 million
Average price of gas in the USA: $3.77
Number of Americans who applied for student loan debt relief in the first week, and will now blame Democrats because the courts are going to block them on behalf of Republican attorneys general: 22 million
Minimum amount of socialism from your and my taxes that have gone to anti-socialist Florida to help rebuild from hurricane Ian: $1 billion
Date on which Elon Musk must complete his purchase of Twitter or face a trial over it: 10/28/22 (5pm)
World Series Preview The Philly Phillies and Houston Houstronians are tied at 0 games apiece. (Game 1 is Friday night)
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Mid-week Rapture Index: 187 including 4 earthquakes (or should we make that five?) and 1 worst voter guide ever written. Soul Protection Factor 8 lotion is recommended if you’ll be walking amongst the heathen today.
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Proud…
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CHEERS to gettin' a good lickin' at the lectern. Midterm campaign season is rapidly coming to a close, and with only 13 days to go that means we're smack in the middle of debate season. [Please hold your applause or we'll empty the auditorium.] Senate candidate debates, House candidate debates, governor candidate debates, city council candidate debates, school board candidate debates… Heck, there's even debate moderator debates—it's out of control! Since the Daily Kos Elections Team is still sleeping off last night's bender, here’s a comprehensive list of last night's debate winners:
The Democrat The Democrat The Democrat The Democrat The Democrat The Democrat The Democrat The Democrat And… The Democrat
With one brain lobe tied behind their back. Anyone surprised?
CHEERS to the Jews!!! Just thought I'd go on record. Apparently the MAGA cult has declared war on them, and I find it ironic that there may come a time very soon when our country’s Jews have to flee to Germany to escape the American Nazis. Honest to G-d I did not see that comin'.
P.S. But no cheers for the Hasidic Jews in charge of the Central United Talmudic Academy, who were caught stealing millions of dollars from the government, claiming they were for student meals but instead went to "no-show jobs" and "private parties thrown by adults." You are very bad.
JEERS to the teabaggers of yesteryear. Ninety-nine years ago this week, a Senate committee began investigating the Teapot Dome scandal. This political cartoon was popular back then:
A Republican scandal centered around oil. You don’t say.
Fourth-worst-president-ever (moving down a notch post-Trump, and only slightly better than Buchanan and Bush II) Warren Harding's cronies were allowing private companies to lease government oil reserves from public land in Wyoming. As a result of the investigation, Interior Secretary Albert Fall became the first cabinet member to go to jail. He was a Republican. Shocking.
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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x Sea otters hold hands when they sleep so they don't drift apart, a behavior known as rafting.
Credit: Vancouver Aquarium pic.twitter.com/XM5nigBzPq — Wonder of Science (@wonderofscience) October 24, 2022
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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CHEERS to spring-fresh pantaloons. On today's date in 1858, Hamilton Smith patented the rotary washing machine, which moved clothes up and down via a plunger that simultaneously circulated water:
And on weekends it made ice cream.
Today's washing machines are more energy-efficient, water-conserving and reliable. (But they make some weird sounds. Ours spends most of its time going "Snrrk… Snrrk… Snrrk…") But some things haven’t changed, like if you forget to check your pockets for anything that melts when exposed to hot water and massive centrifugal force before you push START, you're still screwed. (Damn you, M&Ms—that was my favorite Magilla Gorilla tuxedo shirt.)
TALLY HO! to the changing of the wanker guard. Big doings over in the British Empire, which now consists of England, Wales, Stonehenge, parts of Ireland and, representing Scotland, a giant plate of haggis. Yesterday Queen Elizabeth II's ghost, speaking through her fussbucket son, gave her official Hellooooooooo!!! to a new Tory prime minister—the 392nd in less than 4 months. So who is booted PM Liz Truss's replacement Rishi Sunak?
» Born 1980 in Southampton, son of a Kenyan father (works for the National Health Service) and Tanzanian mother (director of Sunak Pharmacy in Southampton). » BA from Lincoln College at Oxford and MBA from Stanford. Political experts agree that Rishi Sunak is the dreamiest British prime minister since Winston Churchill. » 2001-2015: worked for various investment firms, including Goldman Sachs, and hedge funds, thus sharpening his trickle-down skills for stepping on the poor and downtrodden in favor of the rich. » Won a seat in the House of Commons in 2014. Instantly popped wood over Brexit. » Appointed chief executive to the treasury in 2019 and Chancellor to the Exchequer in 2020. » One of the hypocrites who went to parties during the Covid lockdown. » Literal money quote from last July: "I have friends who are aristocrats, I have friends who are upper class, I have friends who are, you know, working class but...well, not working class." » Wants Russia to be booted from Ukraine and knocked down to a lower peg economically. » Married to a fashion designer and venture capitalist who is one of the richest women in Britain, yet claimed "non-domicile status" to wriggle out of over 20-million pounds in taxes. Two daughters. » First Hindu prime minister in British history.
It's also been reported that he has seven dental fillings due to excessive sugar consumption as a child. Well, I'm sorry but that's a deal breaker for me. He’s already gotta go.
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Ten years ago in C&J: October 26, 2012
CHEERS to something new out of the Gates. I honestly couldn’t tell you the last thing Microsoft released that elicited an "Ooh" or "Ahh" out of me. (If I had to guess I'd say Minesweeper.) So I was pleasantly surprised when news of their new Windows 8 operating system raised one of my eyebrows by a few millimeters. It's supposed to tie in with tablets and other touch-screen devices. I haven't taken the official virtual tour yet, but I'm impressed by one particular feature. It's an app that let's you throw Clippy into the volcano of your choice.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to a woman who had to debate Republicans with 90 percent of her brain switched off just to make it a fair fight. Happy 75th birthday (and many blessings on your camels) to Hillary Rodham Clinton, the only human in world history who can boast of having First Lady, United States Senator, Secretary of State, and first female major-party presidential nominee on her resume. She should have “45th president” on it, too, having clocked Trump in every debate, secured every major newspaper endorsement, run on positions far more popular than Trump’s, possessed more brainpower by a factor of a gazillion, and handily won the popular vote. (Thanks a lot, Comey. And Russia. And Wikileaks. And Jill Stein. And you, too, f*cking media.) Some pearls from the walking fountain of wisdom:
"Climate change is real. It is here. It has to be dealt with. If I hear another politician or public official say they don’t know what to say because they’re not a scientist, I’m just going to yell, ‘Go talk to a scientist!’" "We can’t hide from any of these hard truths about race and justice in America. We have to name them and own them and then change them." "To LGBT men and women worldwide, let me say this: wherever you live and whatever the circumstances of your life, whether you are connected to a network of support or feel isolated and vulnerable, please know that you are not alone." "The difference between a politician and a statesman is that a politician thinks about the next election while the statesman thinks about the next generation." "Donald Trump's ideas aren't just different. They are dangerously incoherent. They're not even really ideas, just a series of bizarre rants, personal feuds and outright lies. A man you can bait with a tweet is not a man we can trust with nuclear weapons." "If there is one message that echoes forth from this conference, let it be that human rights are women’s rights and women’s rights are human rights, once and for all." “Americans are sick of the Trump reality show. Let’s cancel it for good, shall we?” "You cannot have maternal health without reproductive health. And reproductive health includes contraception and family planning and access to legal, safe abortion."
This year I got her a new sweatshirt that says "3,000,000 More Than Doofus" on the back. (I hope it's not too subtle.)
Have a happy humpday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial “I like that there was a sensation that there were little pockets of fat distributed in the Cheers and Jeers kiddie pool, which is something that I really enjoy—the sense that there is some textural difference within it as you’re splashing.” —Christian Paz, Vox
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[END]
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