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Not All Men: A Rough Day and What I Came To Realize. [1]

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Date: 2022-10-25

Welcome to the Street Prophets Coffee Hour.

Last Thursday morning my daughter and I went grocery shopping. It's a thing I prefer to do as early in the day as possible. Before it gets very crowded. Most of the time it works well for me.

We loaded up the shopping cart and only had to backtrack once for something I'd missed. And made our way up to the cash registers. It was starting to get busy and I was more than ready to wrap it up and go home. As we approached the register I became aware of someone following, walking closely behind me. So I stopped to let them pass. It wasn't so crowded that it would be impossible.

But they didn't go around me. They stopped directly behind me, so close that I could feel their body brush against my back. If there's just one thing that is guaranteed to freak me out, it's that. Being jostled from behind. I'd dislike it very much if a woman did it. When it's a man it's so much worse.

I heard a man's voice say, "excuse me". Such a simple, innocuous phrase. Generally spoken politely. But not this time. Those two polite little words were barked out in a tone that let me know that I was being an annoying inconvenience. It was just so contemptuous. That casual contempt is something I've been hearing all my life. Intended to make me apologize and scurry out of the way. Smile in that self-deprecating way I was taught from childhood. A man was in a hurry and I was in his way. You know what you need to do, lady. And...I just couldn't. I wouldn't.

I turned around to face him. A guy I'd never seen before. Around my age, maybe a little older. Several inches taller. Considerably heavier. He could have just gone around me. He wasn't pushing a shopping cart; there was more than enough room for him to pass. But he just stood there glaring. I raised my voice just short of actually shouting, and I replied.

"Back off!"

In that moment I think it wouldn't have taken much for me to really go off on him. And it's possible that something of that showed in my face; he just stared at me. Looking faintly surprised. Not intimidated. Just...bemused. I turned around and continued to the cash register. He didn't follow me.

I was trembling so hard I don't know how I made it through the transaction.

We went outside and loaded our groceries into the car. Or rather, my daughter did. I was on the verge of crying, and so was pretty much useless. I sat behind the wheel but didn't turn on the ignition. I turned to my daughter and tried to explain. Told her that my reaction to what just occured goes back to something that happened to me a long time ago. Something I've never really gotten over and perhaps never will. (That particular incident didn't end well for me.) And suddenly it was like a dam burst inside me; for a few minutes I was just raving. F*cking men. Stomping and tromping through the world like they f*cking own the place. I'm sick to death of them! Pushing and shoving like you aren't even there. Like you have no right to exist. Like your only purpose is to do what they want when they want it and otherwise disappear. Sometimes I just f*cking hate them!

Like the sensitive, kind woman she is my daughter sat quietly and let me run down. Then offered to get us some takeout on the way home. Which we did.

We came home, put away the groceries and ate our lunch. I didn't say much. I was still seething. Thinking about how I sometimes wish I could just live my life and never have to deal with men ever again.

Then the vision of my son's face presented itself to me. And I finally cried.

Of all the men in my life that I've loved enough to share my life and home with, he alone has never given me cause for regret. Never made me so angry that I wanted to light something on fire just to watch it burn. Never hurt me so badly that I fell asleep wishing that I didn't have to wake up in the morning.

I was reminded of the friends I've known, some so far away I will probably never meet them face to face. Men I have grown to cherish. To love and respect, with the certain knowledge that they would never deliberately harm me by word or deed.

I remembered my brother, and how we've always been there for each other. Doing things that nobody else would ever have done, just to keep each other going. He's always had my back. I've always had his.

I recalled the protest march my kids and I attended in Sedona, following the overturn of Roe v Wade. My son was one of dozens of men present. Ranging from young people like Joe to elders walking with canes. Waving signs and shouting encouragement. Allies, every single one of them.

I even remembered the men out there who simply go about their business, and leave me be to do likewise. The strangers who might hold a door open, or offer to get something on a store shelf too high for me to reach. The ones who share a small politeness, maybe a smile, and then they're gone.

Friends, allies, loved ones and strangers. All of them worthy of my respect and appreciation. How unjust it would be, to lump them in together with the abusers and the casually contemptuous. Such an injustice would harm myself more than anyone else.

A lifetime of repeatedly getting crap and actual abuse from members of a particular group will inevitably have it's effect on a person. Eventually a time may come when you start lashing back. When it's become impossible to take any more and just keep smiling. Between the damage of the past and the bitterness of the present moment it can be easy to lose sight of the fact that this particular person, this incident, really aren't representative of all of them. Even though it feels that way at the time. I'm well aware that I'm a damaged person; I will likely live all the rest of my life vigilant, aware of my surroundings and on my guard. I'm not even interested in trying to change that. But I can be mindful of the those who are in fact on my side in all of this. If only for my own sake, I can be mindful.

So....no.

I don't. I don't hate them. I don't, I can't, I never will. Not all of them.

Not all men.

Sunset of the same day.

Thank you for reading. This is an open thread. All topics are welcome.

[END]
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[1] Url: https://www.dailykos.com/stories/2022/10/25/2130235/-Not-All-Men-A-Rough-Day-and-What-I-Came-To-Realize

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