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Will Trump actually testify before Jan. 6 committee? New report claims he really wants to [1]
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Date: 2022-10-15
The driving factor pushing Trump to want to testify has centered around a reflexive belief that he can convince investigators that their own inquiry is a supposed witch-hunt and convince them that he committed no crimes over January 6, according to sources familiar with the matter. Trump has previously expressed an eagerness to appear before the select committee and “get his pound of flesh” as long as he can appear live before an audience, the sources said – a thought he reiterated to close aides on Thursday after the panel voted to issue him a subpoena.
Holy fuck, would that be entertaining. And awful. And awfully entertaining. Much like watching Dr. Oz wax rhapsodic on the joys of drinking urine.
x Dr. Oz said “of course” he has tasted his own urine, claims medical school forces doctors to taste it, and said his curiosity for it started when he was a kid.
Oz: “Aren’t you curious about your urine?” pic.twitter.com/2SgMCSe7JQ — PatriotTakes 🇺🇸 (@patriottakes) October 15, 2022
But Trump also appears to have become more aware about the pitfalls of testifying in investigations, with lawyers warning him about mounting legal issues in criminal inquiries brought by the justice department and a civil lawsuit brought by the New York state attorney’s office.
Yeah, this could all be a perjury trap, which is a technical legal term that simply means “putting Donald Trump in front of a camera under oath until he tells a brazen lie or brutally strangles a page with his neck wattle, whichever comes first.”
Of course, while Trump is notorious for not paying his lawyers, he may be even more renowned for not listening to them. After all, the guy self-incriminates more than Matt Gaetz at an Orlando Chuck E. Cheese. Which is why he eventually agreed to take the Fifth more than 400 times earlier this year when questioned by New York Attorney General Letitia James.
That said, he may not be able to resist the chance to shriek incoherently at his bête noire Liz Cheney. According to The Guardian, one of Trump’s demands may be that he be allowed to testify live—you know, so he can get beyond the media filter and drill directly into our brains like an enervating parasite. Though it’s still unclear whether the committee would accept such terms, for fear that the hearings would turn into a circus. And not Cirque du Soleil, mind you. More like a drunk bear trying to ride a unicycle through a flaming hoop.
But while watching Trump attempt to keep his giant M.C. Escher mural of lies straight would be vastly entertaining, one can assume it will never happen. His lawyers may need to tranq him and chopper him out to sea like an unruly orca, but it’s hard to imagine they’d ever allow this. They’ll slow-walk it like it’s Trump in leather shoes on a shallow ramp. Because as the old saying goes, justice delayed is exactly how Donald Trump likes it.
Check out Aldous J. Pennyfarthing’s four-volume Trump-trashing compendium, including the finale, Goodbye, Asshat: 101 Farewell Letters to Donald Trump, at this link. Or, if you prefer a test drive, you can download the epilogue to Goodbye, Asshat for the low, low price of FREE.
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