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Cheers and Jeers: Wednesday [1]

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Date: 2022-10-05

Cheers and Jeers for Wednesday, October 5, 2022

Note for allergy sufferers: Cheers and Jeers is manufactured in a facility that also produces products containing peanuts, pollen, mildew and/or large, out-of-control robot dogs. Do with that what you will. We just work here. —Mgt.

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By the Numbers:

10 days!!!

Days 'til Thanksgiving: 50

Days 'til the Punkin Chunkin Festival in Thousand Islands-Seaway, New York: 10

Number of prescription drugs that had price increases higher than inflation in 2021-2022: 1,216

Number of those drugs (and all the others) that can no longer be sold above the rate of inflation without incurring hefty fines for their makers, thanks to the Inflation Reduction Act: 1,216

Percent by which the U.S. missed its refugee admission goal this year: 80%

Rise in the Dow Industrials over the last two days, taking Wall Street out of bear market territory: 1,500

Age of Tupperware, which will go into retail via Target stores this month: 76

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Mid-week Rapture Index: 187 (including 4 beast governments and 1 bike-riding lesson from Saint Steroid McMullet). Soul Protection Factor 24 lotion is recommended if you’ll be walking amongst the heathen today.

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Puppy Pic of the Day: Morning with Mama...

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CHEERS to thwarting the Puritans. In 2004 the late, great Molly Ivins wrote, "Abortion can be safe and legal, or dirty and illegal. It cannot be stopped." Fast-forward to post-Roe America circa 2022, and we're witnessing the truth of her words, especially those last four. Exhibit A: women in Arizona, where abortion is dirty and illegal, can hop in the car and go to a state where it's safe and legal:

A Phoenix abortion clinic has come up with a way for patients who can end their pregnancy using a pill to get the medication quickly without running afoul of a resurrected Arizona law that bans most abortions. Under the arrangement that began Monday, patients will have an ultrasound in Arizona, get a prescription through a telehealth appointment with a California doctor and then have it mailed to a post office in a California border town for pickup, all for free. While not as easy as before an Arizona judge ruled that a pre-statehood law criminalizing nearly all abortions could be enforced nearly two weeks ago, the process saves an overnight trip to a major California city with an abortion clinic.

Sure, it's an inconvenient workaround. But at least it's a dry inconvenient workaround.

CHEERS to the eggheads who walk among us. More hot scientist-on-scientist Nobel Prize action yesterday, this time from the physicists' playpen. This year's international gaggle will each get a gift certificate from the Spiegel Catalog for making literal quantum leaps:

Alain Aspect, John F. Clauser and Anton Zeilinger were cited by the Royal Swedish Academy of Sciences for “pioneering quantum information science.” This has the word “quantum” in it twice, so I just assume it’s their work. “Quantum information science is a vibrant and rapidly developing field,” said Eva Olsson, a member of the Nobel committee. “It has broad and potential implications in areas such as secure information transfer, quantum computing and sensing technology. Its origin can be traced to that of quantum mechanics. Its predictions have opened doors to another world, and it has also shaken the very foundations of how we interpret measurements.” While physicists often tackle problems that appear at first glance to be far removed from everyday concerns—tiny particles and the vast mysteries of space and time—their research provides the foundations for many practical applications of science.

The entire scientific community was united in praise and adulation for this year’s winners. Well, almost. The guy who invented sharks with lasers is still sitting in his undersea lair going, "What does a demented genius have to do to get a little respect around here???”

CHEERS to Great Moments in Republican Gaffery. With election season in full swing, it’s worth noting that 46 years ago this week, President Gerald Ford claimed during a debate with Jimmy Carter—who turned 98 Saturday—that there was "no Soviet domination in Eastern Europe." The GOP let 72 hours pass before correcting themselves, giving Carter time to drop the hammer. Today, of course, Republicans don’t even bother owning up to anything. They just get Fox News to stick a "(D)" next to the offender's name and send in the clowns from Q-Anon to concoct a new conspiracy theory starring Democrats and their Soros-funded, suburb-killing sex ring. Corrections...how quaint.

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BRIEF SANITY BREAK

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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK

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CHEERS to sacrificing for the common good. On today's date in 1947, Harry Truman became the first president to use TV to address the nation:

“Bartender turns to him and says, ‘You could at least buy the chicken a drink first.’ But seriously...”

Truman requested that Americans not eat beef on Tuesdays, poultry on Thursdays, and a slice of bread each day to save on feed grains as a way of helping folks starving in Europe in the wake of World War II. If a Democrat tried that today, he or she would be accused by Republicans of being a Food Nazi ("Worse than the holocaust!") trying to starve Grandma of protein and fiber in order to appease whiny foreigners and conceal the nutritional value of ivermectin. I don’t know what's scarier: that I'm such an accurate predictor...or that they're such easy predictees.

CHEERS to a devious plan. Shall we get the maniacal laughter out of the way first? Okay then: Bwoo ha ha!!! Bwoo ha haaaaa!!! And what are we maniacally laughing about this morning? According to Speaker Nancy Pelosi, there's one factor that could allow Democrats to keep control of the House this year. It's a bit complicated, so I'll summarize it here as best I can:

1) When Trump isn’t on the ballot, Democrats pick up seats in the House. 2) Trump isn’t on the ballot. 3) Therefore, Democrats will pick up seats in the House.

Sounds good to me. I'll go grab the champagne. You open the Chex mix. And remember: it’s not polite to Bwoo ha ha with your mouth full.

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Ten years ago in C&J: October 5, 2012

JEERS to spreading creepy-crawlies on your next sandwich. If you have Trader Joe's peanut butter in your pantry, you should know that there have been 30 cases of salmonella poisoning from it. As an extra precaution, Sunland, Inc. is expanding its recall of potentially-damaging nut products. Topping the list: Bachmann, West, Gohmert, Foxx, Arpaio, Issa, Akin, Ryan and Walsh.

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And just one more...

CHEERS to cool science. When all the death, doom and destruction get to be too much, there's always one place I can count on to restore my faith in humanity. I'm speaking of course about Hiram’s Chowder House and Lobster Pound in Harpswell. But when they're closed, the next-best place is, of course, NASA, a jewel in the federal government's crown and an agency worth every tax dollar we send its way. If you happen to live under a sky where you are, here's a preview of what you'll be seeing this month—including more meteor showers and an excellent view of the Martian preparations for invasion—courtesy of NASA's Jet Propulsion Laboratory:

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Happy viewing. We now return you to your regularly-scheduled shit show in space known as life on Earth, where everyone can hear you scream because we have social media now.

Have a happy humpday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?

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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial Californians will soon be able to enter the Cheers and Jeers kiddie pool without getting ticketed "as long as it’s safe to do so." The change comes after Gov. Gavin Newsom signed "The Freedom To Splash Act.” The new law, which will go into effect on Jan. 1, 2023, says police officers can only ticket someone when there is "an immediate danger of a fart." —USA Today

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