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Cheers and Jeers: Wednesday [1]
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Date: 2022-09-14
Star Bangled Baner Oh say can you see by the dons early light What so proudleeree haild at the twilited flashed gleaming. Were galenntlee sareeming. A for citizenship. F for penmanship. And the rockets gleenly of bombs bursting in air Came our thru our thru the fight that are flag was still there O say gotslan stare spangled banner ye whenne Forb the land of the free and the home of the brave.
The saddest thing about this: at age 7 I knew the words better than the previous President of the United States does at 76. (Same with the Pledge of Allegiance.)
And now, our feature presentation…
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Cheers and Jeers for Wednesday, September 14, 2022
Note: Here’s something that might catch your interest. Loans.
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By the Numbers:
6 days!!!
Days 'til the debut of the new Star Wars series Andor: 7
Days 'til the Clarkson Honeyfest in Kentucky: 6
Number of manufacturing jobs added to the economy since Joe Biden became president: 660,000
Age of notorious Exxon Valdez captain Joseph Hazelwood when he died in July: 75
Miles of Alaska coastline that were polluted with oil from the 1989 disaster: 1,500
Percent of your body mass that consists of hydrogen atoms formed in the Big Bang, which means that about 1/10th of you is 13.8 billion years old, according to the internet: 10%
Number of days the world has gone since Days of Our Lives moved to Peacock after 57 years on NBC: 2
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Mid-week Rapture Index: 187 (including 3 false Christs and 1 bed on which to make sweet, sweet luvin). Soul Protection Factor 24 lotion is recommended if you’ll be walking amongst the heathen today.
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Cuddle time…
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JEERS to our top story of the day by law. Here's a mandatory update on the most critical development affecting the Planet Earth over the last 24 hours:
♔ The Queen's coffin used to be on display in that castle. ♔ But now the Queen's coffin is on display in this castle. ♔ Later today the Queen's coffin will be displayed in a different castle. ♔ This will happen for five more days until the Queen's coffin stops moving around so they can have a funeral inside a church that could easily be confused with a castle. ♔ The Queen's coffin will then move around some more until the soccer and/or cricket matches come on the telly, upon which it will finally be buried in a castle.
Stay tuned for our next update. And be sure to buy lots of Queen's coffin souvenirs, now available anywhere anything is sold.
CHEERS to David vs. Goliath redux. As we waketh uppeth on this, the fourteenth of September in the year of our Flying Spaghetti Monster Twenty and Aught Twenty Two, let us take stock of the mighty Russian empire, which 202 days ago assured the world that conquering Ukraine would be quick, easy, total, and an economic boon for all the fascist oligarchs:
Russian military: Defeated Russian oligarchs: Accidentally falling to their deaths by the dozen Russian yachts: Seized Many statues in this guy’s future. Russian economy: Shambles Russian ruble: Worthless Russian propaganda media, including Tucker Carlson and Sean Hannity: Eating crow Russian people: Embarrassed, confused, and broke Russian provincial leaders dealing with the blowback from the peasantry: Openly pissed at Putin Russian credibility in the world: Gone Russian nukes: The only reason we're still speaking to them Russian toilet paper: What Russian toilet paper? Ha Ha Ha!!!
So, in sum: congratulations, Mr. Putin. You have achieved the impossible: making George W. Bush's warmongering look competent.
JEERS to getting Second Amendmented. On September 14, 1901, our 25th president, William McKinley, died from an assassin’s bullet at the Pan-American Exposition in Buffalo, New York. Several years back, Ohioans and conservatives in general went nuts when President Obama granted native Alaskans their wish to revert Mount McKinley back to its original name: Denali. A popular question asked by proponents of the move was, "What did McKinley do that was so great he warranted his own iconic mountain?" I had to think for a bit, but I managed to come up with one: he picked a helluva vice president.
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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x The Ukrainian counteroffensive has been slowed down by a stubborn hedgehog. pic.twitter.com/UEIqAn0qCY — Visegrád 24 (@visegrad24) September 12, 2022
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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CHEERS to notable promotions. 1,687 years ago this week, in the year 335, Dalmatius was raised to the rank of Caesar by his uncle Constantine I. Historians believe Constantine had a bad case of the flu at the time. When asked out of concern what his temperature was, he responded: "101, Dalmatius."
CHEERS to getting the preliminaries out of the way. Primary season came to an end last night when the polls closed in New Hampshire, Rhode Island, and Delaware. For another election cycle the primaries were conducted freely and fairly by competent municipal election workers, who ushered voters through the process with patience and a smile, and everyone agreed that the results would be tallied quickly and accurately. Voter fraud was, as usual, non-existent, and everyone who voted in person left their polling place with one of these beauties:
Now stay tuned for the midterm elections on November 8th, when all of the above will happen again, except this time the MAGA cultists will intimidate Democratic voters, red state voting laws will suppress Democratic participation, and election results will be rigged in favor of MAGA candidates, all while the MAGA cultists accuse Democrats of voter fraud and election rigging, sending even the most lopsided Dem wins to the already-clogged courts in the hopes that a MAGA judge will overturn the results. The Senate filibuster, meanwhile, will spend election day at the beach laying on its Confederate flag towel while sipping a mint julep and wondering how life could possibly get any better.
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Ten years ago in C&J: September 14, 2012
JEERS to the continuing madness. If your head is spinning over the explosion of unbridled outrage, you're not alone. The last few days we've witnessed an endless stream of chaos, madness, confusion, screaming, confrontation, finger-pointing, threats, backward-thinking and an almost total lack of self-control. And that's just the Romney campaign. I hear things are pretty bad in the Middle East, too.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to today’s comforting words...from Donald Trump? Yup. The 45th president knows exactly what to do with evildoers who steal top-secret classified documents that compromise our national security. And so do his followers. They’re very emphatic about it, in fact:
x There’s only one way to handle someone who took highly classified documents! pic.twitter.com/s0WKFqcgZS — Jimmy Kimmel Live (@JimmyKimmelLive) September 7, 2022
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I hope the courtroom sketch artists have ordered their orange crayons in bulk. I have a feeling they’re gonna need it.
Have a happy humpday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial A Pew Research Center poll conducted Aug. 1-14 found that more Americans have an unfavorable view of Bill in Portland Maine than at any other point since Pew began asking the question just over 35 years ago. —FiveThirtyEight
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[END]
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