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Top Comments: Dark & Stormy Edition [1]
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Date: 2022-08-31
The Bulwer-Lytton Award is an annual contest where the object is to write the worst possible opening sentence to a hypothetical bad novel. The name comes from Edward Bulwer-Lytton, whose novel Paul Clifford famously started thusly:
It was a dark and stormy night; the rain fell in torrents — except at occasional intervals, when it was checked by a violent gust of wind which swept up the streets (for it is in London that our scene lies), rattling along the housetops, and fiercely agitating the scanty flame of the lamps that struggled against the darkness.
In addition to a grand prize winner, there are awards in categories such as romance, science fiction, vile puns, and my personal favorite, purple prose. There’s also a drink inspired by the contest. Here’s a sample of this year’s literary offerings, but trust me, go read the whole thing.
Grand Prize Winner:
I knew she was trouble the second she walked into my 24-hour deli, laundromat, and detective agency, and after dropping a load of unmentionables in one of the heavy-duty machines (a mistake that would soon turn deadly) she turned to me, asking for two things: find her missing husband and make her a salami on rye with spicy mustard, breaking into tears when I told her I couldn't help—I was fresh out of salami. -John Farmer, Aurora, Colorado
Winner, Adventure Stories:
“Hoist the mainsail ye accursed swine” shouted the Captain over the roar of the waves as the ship was tossed like a cork dropped from a wine bottle into a jacuzzi when the faucet is wide open and the jets are running full blast and one has just settled into the water with a glass of red wine to ease the aches and pains after a day of hard labor raking leaves from the front yard. -Joe Tussey, Daniels, WV
Dishonorable Mention, Dark & Stormy Category:
It was a Dark ‘n Stormy night; the rum fell in torrents—except when it was checked by an equal, if not more substantial, measure of ginger beer (for it is in a highball glass that our drink lies), accented with a hit of lime juice from a well-placed wedge, and perhaps a dash of Angostura bitters, though that is at the bartender’s discretion and certainly not required. -Allison Bryski, Durham, NC
Dishonorable Mention, Odious Outliers:
While scrolling through the online catalog of the Acme website trying to decide if he should order rocket roller skates, TNT, and an anvil, or—Fool-Me-Twice fake tunnel paint, the Coyote suddenly realized, ‘Hey, I could just order food.’ -Rusty Hamilton, Candby, OR
Dishonorable Mention, Science Fiction:
The captain of the alien starship resembled a mutant octopus-squid hybrid with tentacles, arms, legs, eyestalks and boobs everywhere, and her negotiations with Captain Kirk started off rough when she chastised him that, "My eyes aren't down there," and that’s when he realized those weren't shoes, they were bras. -John Tracy, Palm Desert, CA
On to Top Comments!
From thesphynx:
Old 60s radical's excellent discussion of the causes and cures of white flight
From inkstainedwretch:
G2geek comment to ericlewis0
The last paragraph is big.
U.S. AG Garland, NY AG James, and Atlanta DA Willis might have scheduling difficulties.
Highlighted by mustnthappenhere:
This comment by pelagicray should be a Top Comment for its educational value and the link.
Top mojo, courtesy of mik:
Picture quilt, created by jotter, brought back by elfling & the help desk crew:
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