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David Brooks on talking to strangers... [1]
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Date: 2022-08-27
David Brooks provides an unwitting lesson in white male privilege
Why Your Social Life Is Not What It Should Be is the latest essay from David Brooks. (The link should allow passage through the pay wall at the Gray Lady.) It’s rather interesting — not just for what strikes his fancy — but from the reactions to it in the comments.
One day Nicholas Epley was commuting by train to his office at the University of Chicago. As a behavioral scientist he’s well aware that social connection makes us happier, healthier and more successful and generally contributes to the sweetness of life. Yet he looked around his train car and realized: Nobody is talking to anyone! It was just headphones and newspapers. Questions popped into his head: What the hell are we all doing here? Why don’t people do the thing that makes them the most happy? ...It turns out many of us wear ridiculously negative antisocial filters. Epley and his team found that people underestimate how positively others will respond when they reach out to express support. Research led by Stav Atir and Kristina Wald showed that most people underestimate how much they will learn from conversations with strangers. In other research, people underestimated how much they would enjoy longer conversations with new acquaintances. People underestimated how much they’re going to enjoy deeper conversations compared to shallower conversations. They underestimated how much they would like the person. They underestimated how much better their conversation would be if they moved to a more intimate communications media — talking on the phone rather than texting. In settings ranging from public parks to online, people underestimated how positively giving a compliment to another person would make the recipient feel.
Brooks cites this and other research to suggest that if we would just put down our smart phones and take off our headphones to engage strangers around us, we might be pleasantly surprised by how enriching it might be.
It seems plausible enough — until looking at the comments provided a very different take on the reality for too many people. I’m going to grab some semi-random quotes to illustrate that the world Mr. Brooks inhabits is very different from the one many people find themselves inhabiting.
..As a native-born American citizen in my late sixties, I am more reluctant than ever to speak to strangers. I have Middle Eastern ancestry, and I have endured more ugly slurs from strangers in the past several years than I did in my first sixty. On the other hand, Mr. Brooks will never have whites yelling at him like they do me, to "go back to your own country" (I was born in Chicago). It is from a place of, if not privilege, certainly safety entirely taken for granted, that he speaks. Many of us will never be able to live in Mr. Brooks' America. Those of us who are neither white nor Christian will need to continue exercising caution about strangers we have to engage with… ...As a woman, I am going to tell you that you do not start conversations with strangers on the subway. This is especially true if you are a young woman on the subway. When I was in my 20s, twice, I had guys follow me off the train and try to follow me home. First time, I was living with my parents. I walked up to my full house and the perv kept going. Second time, I walked into a dorm with a guard. Other times I made the mistake of addressing a male stranger and they tried to negotiate with me as if I was a sex worker…. ...I would often strike up a conversation with a perfect stranger in line, only to discover he/she is a Trumper and then I'm depressed for the rest of the day. Don't do that as much any more… ...We live in one of the most heavily armed countries in the world. Chance are is that stranger has a pistol and might misinterpret a comment. I stay away. It is sad. Wish it was t this way but this is the country made by the MAGA Republicans who are always screaming about one thing or another...
It would be unfair if I didn’t acknowledge that some of the comments spoke positively about interactions with strangers — the link above should allow full access to the essay and the comments on it, so see for yourself.
But, overall, it’s a demonstration by Mr. Brooks of how easy it is to be blinded by privilege, and how important it is to be aware that what seems obvious may not actually be the case. Think of all the “first contact” stories from assorted Star Trek episodes and all the ways things can go wrong even when both sides are trying to communicate. The risk/reward calculations are not simple and a misjudgment can be deadly — but balance that against the loss from missed opportunities to interact with someone in a way that enriches everyone.
And then there’s this:
..I recently got a puppy—in a neighborhood where I’ve lived 20 years. I’ve had more social interaction with neighbors in 6 weeks than in 20 years. I’ve never been unfriendly, have always said hello, but my pup seems to confer something new—trustworthiness? Something to talk about? Maybe everyone really is just waiting for the opening. It’s been pretty fun.
Feel free to share in comments any experiences you might have had on this topic.
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[1] Url:
https://www.dailykos.com/stories/2022/8/27/2119152/-David-Brooks-on-talking-to-strangers
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