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Cheers and Jeers: Monday [1]

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Date: 2022-08-22

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"When you ask me that question, I am going to revert to my

ethnic heritage and answer your question with a question:

on what planet do you spend most of your time?"

Responded Jon Stewart later that night: "Apparently a planet where a mixed-race president and a gay Jew qualify as Nazis." Saaaaalute!

And now, our feature presentation...

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Cheers and Jeers for Monday, August 22, 2022

Note: Did you ever to stop and think about all the time you spend holding things in your hands? Well stop it—you're clutching your life away!

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By the Numbers:

4 days!!!

Days 'til the midterm elections: 77

Days 'til the Colorado State Fair in Pueblo: 4

Expected drop in U.S. carbon pollution by 2030 according to the first official analysis (by the Dept. of Energy) of the climate measures in the Inflation Reduction Act: 40%

First-time jobless claims last week, down 2k from the previous week: 250,000

Estimated number of scam robocalls Americans received last year, according to CNN: 21 billion

Number of states in which the margarita is the most popular cocktail, according to the research firm Top Data: 22

Number of states in which the piña colada and martini are the #1 drinks: 11, 7

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Puppy Pic of the Day: Evolution of a friendship...

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CHEERS to Monday morning! Sure, there might be fires and droughts, and the Arctic is melting faster than even the most brilliant climate scientists predicted, and Trump cultists are calling for violence against anyone (including their beloved police and FBI) who doesn't wear a red MAGA ballcap, and Russia is threatening to blow up nuclear plants in Ukraine, and our voting rights are still hanging by a thread, and…oh, just listen to me yammer on and on. At least these guys are having a great time:

x It’s rare to get up-close images of our telescopes once they're in space. But since our NICER payload lives on the @Space_Station, we see it all the time! In this sped-up vid, NICER twists and turns to track pulsars and other X-ray sources: https://t.co/T9rNpEkwpy #WorldPhotoDay pic.twitter.com/142iZbWYEI — NASA Universe (@NASAUniverse) August 19, 2022

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Thanks, NASA. You’re a little array of sunshine.

CHEERS to order in the courts. A trio of gavelriffic events late last week that have Real Americans cheering:

1) Florida dictator Ron DeSantis's ongoing hillbilly putsch was partially derailed when a federal judge politely informed him that state-sponsored censorship in schools and businesses is an unconstitutional mix of dickish and Nazi-ish. On the down side, courtrooms remain insufferably lacking in armrest cup holders. 2) The North Carolina Supreme Court ruled that the state's unnecessary and racist Voter ID law may be unconstitutional because the Republican-led legislature that enacted it wasn't legit because members were elected in unconstitutionally gerrymandered districts. D’oh! 3) A Michigan judge ruled that prosecutors can't enforce the state's 1931 constitutional amendment outlawing abortion until either the state Supreme Court or voters decide the issue this fall because, until then, “the harm to the body of women and people capable of pregnancy in not issuing the injunction could not be more real, clear, present and dangerous."

And this late-breaking news: apparently on Friday the U.S. Supreme Court did something nice for Black voters. Now here's today's forecast for Hell: cloudy with a high of 32.

CHEERS to booting a real baddie. File this under "Better Late—Like, Really, Really Late—Than Never." Robert F. Kennedy Jr., whose brain checked out from reality a long time ago, finally got disappeared from the venues where his anti-vax misinformation has spread like wildfire among the ignorant:

Even his family thinks he’s nuts. Instagram and Facebook suspended Children’s Health Defense this week after the anti-vaccine group led by Robert Kennedy Jr. repeatedly violated rules prohibiting misinformation aboutCOVID-19. A nonprofit, Children’s Health Defense is one of the most influential anti-vaccine organizations active on social media, where it has spread misleading claims about vaccines and other public health measures designed to control the pandemic.

By the way, you know how you can tell the difference between Robert F. Kennedy Jr. and a virus that wreaks havoc around the world? No, seriously. I'm asking.

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BRIEF SANITY BREAK

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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK

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CHEERS to tea and bragging rights. 171 years ago today, in 1851, the schooner America outraced a small fleet of British ships belonging to the Royal Yacht Squadron off the English coast to win the trophy that came to be known as the America's Cup. I believe I speak for all Americans today when I say: [Pulls down pants] "Kiss me bum, codgers!" (With all due respect. And bless yer hearts.)

CHEERS to Biden's judges. Whether or not the president can continue his feverish pace of nominating the most diverse set of judicial bench warmers during the second half of his first term depends on one thing: control of the Senate. At the moment, FiveThirtyEight gives Team D a nearly 2-in-3 chance of keeping the gavel in Chuck Schumer's hands, and Raw Story reports that CNN political analyst Harry Enton believes that's not wishful thinking:

"The change in Senate fortune comes as the party continues to poll far better than expected in a number of states while several Republican candidates struggle to connect with the voters," he wrote before adding, "Recent polls from Arizona and Wisconsin are a casein point. … [T]he Democratic candidates in the two states are more than holding their own, taking away two key seats McConnell needs. […] A picture that says a thousand words, starting with these five: we must keep the Senate. "If the Republican candidates continue to be unpopular, it shouldn't be surprising to see their Democratic opponents maintain their leads, even with Biden's unpopularity."

And it's not just that the MAGA candidates suck. (A crudités crisis, Dr. Oz? Really? How's that flying in rural Pennsylfreakingvania?) The repeal of Roe v. Wade is causing a virtual stampede of voter registrations among left-leaning women and young'uns. Trump has charges of espionage and election tampering in his future. The economy is improving. And in mere days the House Jan. 6 Committee hearings continue, with all-new witnesses and footage that will blow our collective mind. Oh…almost forgot…our candidates are a pretty damn fine bunch. But other than that, I got nothin'.

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Ten years ago in C&J: August 22, 2012

CHEERS to Phyllis Diller. When I first saw her she became that daffy old lady on the TV from the 70s who always made me laugh, and right up until she died at 95 she remained that daffy old lady on TV from the 70s who always made me laugh. But she was first and foremost a true old-school stand-up phenomenon who worked her tail off:

“Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.” "My cooking is so bad that my kids thought Thanksgiving was in memory of Pearl Harbor." “I've buried a lot of my laundry in the back yard.” “We spend the first 12 months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next 12 months teaching them to sit down and shut up.” "If you ever see three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed."

Her legacy will be easy to remember: Phyllis Diller was the Phyllis Diller of Phyllis Dillers.

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And just one more…

CHEERS to the birthday pootie. Ending on a personal note this morning. Thirteen years ago today, my partner Michael and I visited our local shelter to adopt a feline fuzzball, and we chose the one that was kind enough to recognize that our ankles weren't hambones to be gnawed on. We named her "Fantom" because she has a black "mask" across her face and loves to skulk around in the basement. Fantom is a petite thing as cats go, a tiny tortie weighing in at around six pounds with stubby li’l legs.

Oh, right. And she can also touch her nose with her tongue.

Over the past few years, since my bouts with cancer, she's become downright nurse-like, and there isn’t a night that goes by now where she doesn’t come to bed with me and lay across my legs for ten minutes or so before padding off to guard the house from her living room chair. It's been, as they say, a rewarding bonding experience.

Otherwise, her days are filled with typical cativities: eat, sleep, drink out of the faucet, have stare-downs with squirrels on the porch roof (they know she won’t catch them so they've basically adopted her as their beloved Aunt Scowlypuss), teach our dog Haley who's boss, de-wing houseflies, purr when skritched, phone-bank on behalf of down-ballot Democrats, and turn down any food not topped with beluga caviar. So today the world once again prostrates itself at the altar of Fancy Feast to wish Fantom another Happy Barfday. With one exception: the patients down at the Housefly Wing Reattachment Clinic and Convalescence Center.

Have a tolerable Monday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?

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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial “Bill in Portland Maine looks like a mannequin, and he writes like one.” —Dwight Garner

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[END]
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