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Fox News Alert!! Hillary's emails....again. [1]

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Date: 2022-07-28

In a Fox News Alert, the organization stated that its primetime lineup will, again, not discuss the January 6 hearings because real Americans are not interested in them. Instead, they will have a full lineup of shows to discuss what is really important to the American people: Hillary’s emails.

The Fox News primetime lineup began with Tucker Carlson revealing that Hillary’s emails were found……. on Hunter Biden’s server. “This proves,” said the little Tucker, “that there was a conspiracy between Hillary and Joe Biden to elect Democrats.” He squinted into the camera. “This is bad,” he said, “because it will lead to the emasculation of American men, and that’s what they want.” He then cut away to a commercial for Testicle Tanners featuring Ted Nugent and a sub-machine gun. After the break, the little Tucker claimed that the emails will reveal many other terrible things proving that Hillary and the Democrats hate America. He took a deep breath, furrowed his brow, and then he muttered, “George Soros!” There was an audible gasp from his staff, while half his audience immediately soiled their Depends. When asked to provide evidence for his claims, he said he didn’t have to because his viewers believe everything he says.

After the Fox News Alert was issued, Sean Hannity and Laura Ingraham ran with the story. Donald Trump called into Hannity to claim that this proved that there was no collusion with Russia and that Hugo Chavez and the Radical Democrats had stolen the election from him with the help of an Italian satellite and a bong salesman in Duluth and that’s why he lost Minnesota. He also claimed that American toilets didn’t flush properly because of windmills and the January 6th hearings, and that he was the most persecuted person in history. It took Hannity a few moments to comment because he was busy extracting his nose from Trump’s anus. Deprived of his usual sustenance, Hannity swooned for several seconds before regaining some semblance of consciousness. He then asked Trump when Hillary’s emails would be released. Trump responded, “Soon. Very soon.” He also said that what would be disclosed in the emails was “a disgrace.” When asked to clarify, he said, “you’ll see.” Hannity’s head bobbed up and down in excited, sycophantic affirmation as he tried to wipe something brown and crusty from his nose. “Please continue, Mr. President.” The de facto leader of the Republican Party revealed that the server with Hillary’s emails had been turned over to his new favorite legislator, Marjorie Taylor Greene. “That way,” he claimed, “there can be an investigation, by Congress, of the Biden crime family. Mojo, as I like to call her, will reveal all the other terrible things that were in Hillary’s emails. It’s a disaster! There has never been anything like it in the history of our country.”

Appearing on Laura Ingraham’s show the following hour, Greene confirmed that Trump had handed her the infamous server. She then went on to complain that the January 6th insurrectionists were being treated harshly. “Think about that!” she barked, her eyes bulging and her substantial nostrils flaring. “It was just one day that they tried to violently overthrow the government of the United States and now they are being treated like criminals. Where’s the justice in that? The real criminal in all of this is Hillary Clinton, and her emails prove it! She is a traitor to President Trump… I mean the country. Why isn’t she in jail?” When asked to provide the evidence against Clinton, she said, “I saw it with my own two eyes.” “That’s good enough for me,” said Laura Ingraham. “Thank you for being a patriot.” Shortly thereafter, Marjorie Taylor Greene filmed herself shooting the server with an assault rifle for one of her campaign commercials. “I will not let the Radical Socialist agenda which is revealed in these emails infect the children of America,” the congresswoman from Georgia stated emphatically. “All the Democrat pedophiles and groomers will not victimize our children while I’m in Congress!” she insisted. As she spoke, her BFF, Matt Gaetz, stood by her side to inject the appropriate moral demeanor into the proceedings.

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[1] Url: https://www.dailykos.com/stories/2022/7/28/2113149/-Fox-News-Alert-Hillary-s-emails-again

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