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Cheers and Jeers: Monday [1]

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Date: 2022-07-11

Tuesday The seventh House Jan. 6 Committee hearing gets underway at 10am to release new details about the plot by the 45th president and his co-conspirators to violently overthrow the United States government. The money quote from surprise star witness The Devil: "Can we hurry this up? I don’t want to miss cocktail hour at Mar-A-Lago." Also Tuesday: the James Webb space telescope gives us our first glimpse at the creator of the universe. As part of its latest membership drive, the NRA announces a new contest called Guess Where The Next Gun Massacre Will Be. In addition to a gleaming new untraceable AR-15 with scope, silencer, and 10,000 rounds of ammo, the winner will have his or her name etched on the official trophy, the NRA Thoughts & Prayers Cup. Wednesday The Mortgage Bankers Association releases its "mortgage purchase applications index." As usual, half of the applicants signed where they should've initialed, and initialed where they should've signed, and it's such a mess that all the bankers give up and go out for martinis. Rep. Marjorie Taylor-Greene undergoes emergency surgery after accidentally getting a verified fact stuck in her skull cavity. Ironically, the procedure is performed by a Jewish doctor with a laser. Thursday Democrats in Congress work to get more Americans vaccinated, help Ukraine defeat Russia, fight domestic terrorism, protect women's abortion rights, raise the minimum wage, lower gas prices, and make it easier to vote. Republicans try to get fewer Americans vaccinated, threaten to cut off funding for Ukraine if they take back the House in November, encourage domestic terrorism, lower the minimum wage, keep gas prices high so they can blame it on Democrats, and make it harder to vote. And coming up this Sunday on Meet the Press: why aren’t Democrats doing enough to help real Americans? Friday The University of Michigan Consumer Sentiment Index is released. America's mood registers an uptick from "itchy" to "cupcakes." (It's a weird index.) For yet another week, the only one to make good on a promise of delivering change is the climate.

Have a good one. And now, our feature presentation…

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Cheers and Jeers for Monday, July 11, 2022

Note: Today’s lottery numbers can’t be published as they are part of an ongoing investigation. They’ll eventually be published either here or in Leavenworth following the trial, which we contend is nothing but a bogus witch hunt. Thank you for your patience. —Paid C&J Damage Control Consultant

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By the Numbers:

4 days!!!

Days 'til the midterm elections: 120

Days 'til the Yarmouth Clam Festival in Maine: 4

Portion of self-described independents polled by Monmouth University who believe members of Congress who assisted the planners of the Jan. 6 insurrection should be removed from office: 2-in-3

Size of the latest security aid package for Ukraine: $400 million

Drop in the average mortgage rate for a 30-year home loan over the last week, the largest weekly decline since 2008: 5.7% to 5.3%

Age of James Caan ("The Godfather") and Larry Storch ("F-Troop") when they died last week: 82, 99

Percent chance that fin whales have made a "stunning comeback" off the coast of Antarctica after being hunted nearly to extinction: 100%

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Puppy Pic of the Day: And the Oscar goes to…

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CHEERS to jobs jobs jobs jobs jobs. Good news on the June employment front, as announced Friday: 372,000 new jobs were created. More good news: the official unemployment rate remains at a low 3.6%. More good news: that was better than the experts expertly expected. So what to make of it all? More from Bill McBride at Calculated Risk:

Excluding leisure and hospitality, the economy has 800 thousand more jobs then prior to the pandemic. […] [L]eisure and hospitality has now added back about 84% all of the jobs lost in March and April 2020. Out of the woods. Thanks, Joe! (P.S. Man, that Bush II recession was just brutal.) Construction employment increased 13 thousand and is now 46 thousand above the pre-pandemic level. Manufacturing added 29 thousand jobs and is now 12 thousand above the pre-pandemic level. In June, the year-over-year employment change was 6.3 million jobs. … Overall, this was another strong report.

As usual, the sector in which the fewest Americans are working remains Republicans in the United States Senate.

JEERS to an opposing view. Because nothing good can ever be accepted with a smile and a little endorphin rush, here's the official response to the June jobs report by the Henny Penny crowd on the cable news channels. Caution: flying spittle ahead…

"YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THIS AND WHAT ABOUT THAT AND WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER THING AND THE OTHER OTHER THING AND WHAT ABOUT THE TERRORISTS AND THE METEORS AND THE CARAVANS AND WHY CAN'T JUSTICE KAVANAUGH BE ALLOWED TO EAT HIS DESSERT IN PEACE AND WHAT'S UP WITH THAT DRESS CARDI B WAS WEARING AND WHAT ABOUT…?????"

Somebody get Andrea Mitchell a sedative.

True fact: he’s got Bette Davis eyes.

CHEERS to "#6." On July 11, 1767, John Quincy Adams was born in Braintree, Massachusetts. His presidency was, oh, let's call it a mixed bag. But intellectually he was one of the sharpest pencils in the box, and he followed his White House stint with a remarkable tenure in the House. Adams was also fanatical about that socialist Marxist concept known as "physical fitness," although it once got him in hot (read: cold) water. From Cormac O'Brien's book Secret Lives of the U.S. Presidents:

While president, he set time aside virtually every day for a swim in the Potomac—a preoccupation that nearly killed him when, upon rowing with a servant to the far shore with the intent of swimming back, a storm brewed. After their flimsy canoe filled with water and sank, the two only barely made it to the far shore. The servant set off in search of clothing, and JQA waited patiently, sitting naked on the riverbank.

Pay your respects here. But not too loud—his dad's sleeping three feet away and he gets cranky when you darn kids show up with your hippie hair and boom-boom music.

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BRIEF SANITY BREAK

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x Whatever is comfortable for you…😜😴🐒 pic.twitter.com/Fgn2vJUseh — Fred Schultz (@FredSchultz35) July 8, 2022

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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK

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JEERS to getting caught flat-footed. The moment Ruth Bader Ginsburg died and was replaced with Hatchling #42 from the Federalist Society's underground breeding lab at Area 51, the Democratic leadership should've known the demise of Roe v. Wade was imminent and planned accordingly. Unfortunately, they did what they always do—sit around curling their lower lips, reciting poetry, money-begging, and pinning their hopes on voter turnout. Now that a couple weeks have passed since Hatchling #38 clamped a pen in his tentacle and wrote the majority opinion stripping women of their bodily autonomy, the White House has shifted their efforts into second gear with an executive order that gave the editors at Vox the warm fuzzies because it offered an opportunity to write up a new explainer:

Biden’s executive order indicates progress: It emphasizes the White House’s support for protecting access to medication abortion, defending access to contraception, and guaranteeing a patient’s right to emergency medical services. It also addresses some of the concerns progressive lawmakers and abortion rights activists had about his initial response and sends a message about how seriously the administration is taking this issue. … It focuses on a few key issues: •Protecting medication abortion access •Guaranteeing emergency care •Strengthening contraception access •Providing more resources and information (via reproductiverights.gov) •Protect patient data •Protecting security of clinics In general, there’s still room for the administration to explore options beyond what Biden committed to on Friday.

There's also room for Congress to explore options beyond Friday's measures. Top of the list, in our hunble opinion: a 3am visit by a crowbar to the filibuster's kneecaps.

CHEERS to Great Moments in Sports. On this date in 1914, Babe Ruth debuted in the major leagues with the Boston Red Sox. We include this bit of trivia to shamelessly remind the world that the Sox are only 15 games behind the Yankees in the AL East on their way to claiming their fifth World Series in 18 years. Anyone who disagrees is guilty of promoting negative energy. You...don’t...want to promote negative energy...do you?

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Ten years ago in C&J: July 11, 2012

JEERS to staying on schedule. Marijuana is considered a "Schedule 1" drug, alongside such substances as heroin, LSD and ecstasy. The government Drug Enforcement Agency classifies it as such because it has—they say—no medicinal value. But now a government study Begs to differ with the government:

While numerous prior studies have shown marijuana’s usefulness for a host of medical conditions, none have ever gone directly at the DEA’s placement of marijuana atop the schedule of controlled substances. This study, sponsored by the State of California and conducted at the University of California Center for Medicinal Cannabis Research, does precisely that, driving a stake into the heart of America’s continued war on marijuana users by calling the Schedule I placement simply “not accurate” and “not tenable.”

Don’t expect the feds to pay much mind, though. Weed is bad because weed is bad and also weed is bad, m'kay? But while we're waiting for the Godot of legalization to arrive, smoke 'em if you got 'em. (And don't forget to spritz the Glade.) [7/11/22 Update: Ten years later, marijuana is legal for recreational use in 19 states plus D.C. and for medicinal use in 38. I say that’s worth twisting up a fatty for.]

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And just one more…

CHEERS to blowing this popsicle stand. Probes! Manned missions! Space stations! Heliocopters! Giant Polaroid sky cameras! My god, there's so much happening with our space program these days that it boggles my tiny Cro-Magnon Billeh brain. Happily, “The NASA” is on top of it all, and they produce an eye-popping weekly update that hits the—pun intended so we expect you to laugh until your sides hurt—"high points." Particularly amazing is what they've discovered about the surface of the asteroid Bennu, thanks to the recent visit by the OSIRIS-Rex probe. Prepare for liftoff and…punch it, Chewie:

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Tomorrow morning we get to see the first color pic from the James Webb space telescope. I’m calling it now: it’s gonna be a Martian’s butt, which will finally answer the question, “Why do Martian jeans have 14 back pockets?”

Have a tolerable Monday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?

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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial “Why’s Bill in Portland Maine still here?! He’s drunk out of his mind!” —Nick Kyrgios

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