MY COLLECTION OF REJECTION LETTERS
by THE GNN/DualCrew-Shining/uXu
People publish the strangest things nowadays. I have seen files that -
without any apparent reason - contain lists over the writer's collection
of CDs, magazines, video tapes, flowers, ashtrays, wall-papers, guns,
girlfriends, boyfriends, pimples, previously released lists of lists, etc.
Anyway, why should I be any worse? Why should I go around and believe
that I am special, better than everybody else - just because I have never
published any list?
Welcome to my personal collection of rejection letters. I have collected
them for a long time now, since whenever I am bored I open up the Writer's
and Artist's Yearbook 1976 at a random page and mail yet another worthless
MS to the address my finger aimlessly falls down on.
So far, I have collected these fine letters:
TOM DOHERTY ASSOCIATES INC.
Dear writer,
Thank you for giving us a chance to read your book or proposal. We
are sorry that we don't feel it is right for TOM/FORGE at this time.
Because the volume of submissions we receive, we are not able to
reply individually to each writer, but please be assured that your
work received a careful evaluation.
We wish you the best luck with your writing career.
Sincerely,
The Editors
RANDOM HOUSE
Dear Sir,
Thank you for sending us your material. Unfortunately it is not
suitable for our lists, and we are returning it herewith. We are
very sorry that we cannot write personally, and neither can we
enter into correspondence in respect of rejected slips. The number
of submissions we receive makes this impossible.
Yours sincerely,
The Editors
PENGUIN PRESS UNITED KINGDOM
Dear Sir,
Thank you for your letter. Unfortunately, Penguin are not longer
able to consider unsolicited fiction due to the number of
submissions received daily and the enormous amount of time involved
in dealing with them.
Yours sincerely,
Penguin Press UK
BIG TITS MAGAZINE
Dear pervert,
As you might notice, this letter is clinically free from semen. This
indicates that your erotic short story was a fiasco.
Your sincerely,
The Masturbation Crew at BTM
POLITICS AND BIG GUNS WEEKLY
Dear revolutionary,
We have carefully considered your submission to the PABGW magazine.
Unfortunately, the material is not suitable for our publication.
Due to the shit-load of submissions we receive every day from fringe
political conspirators, we are unable to write to you personally.
The reason why your article was rejected might be because it
contained any of these words/concepts: 1) "Nazism", 2) "Fascism",
3) "Anarchy", 4) "Freedom", 5) "Love", 6) "Humanity", or 7) "Bomb".
If your article contained any of these words, do not hesitate to
submit it again, after you have changed them into: 1) "The Good Old
Days", 2) "Modern Democracy", 3) "Crazy Maniacs", 4) "Security",
5) "Nonsense", 6) "Herd", or 7) "My penis".
Kill a Commie for Mommie,
The Editors
EVERYTHING WILL BE PUBLISHED PUBLICATIONS (EST. 1878)
Dear Sir,
We have decided to finally make an exception.
Yours sincerely,
Almost Everything Will Be Published Publications (Est. 1997)
ILLITERATE LITERATURE INC.
XXXXX XX Hello ,
Tank you fur sennding as yor matrial.Unfortnately it is not sutable
even for our listes,and we XXX is returing
it herwit.We are very sory dat we canot rite persoXXXnnaly,and
neiter can we enter in to coresponndanse in Xrespekt auf rejected
zlipXXz .
Bye,
Editors
POETRY FOR THE MASSES PRESS
dear sir,
we read your submission;
we found it to be shit;
we knew we had a mission,
yes indeed a match we lit
you will never gain any fame;
neither will your poetry ever sell,
we enjoyed it burst into a flame,
now please go straight to hell;
yours sincerely,
the T.S. Eliot wanna-be editors;
CASH FLOW BOOKS LIMITED
Dear Sir,
Thank you for sending us your magnificent MS! It is the best
book/story/screenplay/whatever we have ever seen! We are quite
confident in our belief that this piece of art will become the
second bible! In fact, we are so happy with your divine production
that we have sent all other submissions directly to the furnace!
Pretty please, let us publish your book/story/screenplay/whatever!
We are sorry that we cannot write to you personally. However, if
you pay us $5000 we will publish your book/story/screenplay/whatever
and mail you that ass-kissing letter you have always dreamt of.
Yours SINCERELY,
The managing director
HOUSE OF JESUS AND COMPANY
Dear Son,
Thank you for praying to God. Unfortunately, your request for 'fame
and fortune in the writing-business' has been denied because of the
Greed-clause. Due to the huge amount of spoiled humans in the
universe that demands our attention every damn minute, we are unable
to reply to you personally. But we can assure you that your minor
problems has been carefully examined - just for the sake of it. Haha.
Enough joking. Bring out the beer and the cheap broads. Let's get
some action around this place. EVERYBODY DANCE NOW BOOM BOOM BOOM ON
YOUR BLACK ASS BITCH
yeah yeah yeah,
The Angels
(... and finally, the moment we have all been waiting for...)
UNDERGROUND EXPERTS UNITED
Dear Sir,
Thank you for your mail enclosing the manuscript of 'My Collection
of Rejection-Letters'. No chance in HELL we will publish this SHIT.
uXu receives tonnes of worthless CRAP every day, and I am sorry to
inform you that your submission was yet another of these pathetic
examples of 'writing' I have the misfortune to read every DAMN day.
But I can assure you that your file was given careful examination
before I FLUSHED IT DOWN THE TOILET together with my own excrement.
Do not bother to mail me any letter with questions on exactly why I
did not fancy your WORTHLESS expression of art, because I need not
justify my good taste and wit in front of mindless INSECTS like you.
