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� � � � � � ����� File #038: "Conrad" �
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����� � � � -By Conrad �
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"GIVE ME THOSE EGGPLANTS!" She screamed once again.
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Hello. My name is Conrad. I work at a store that sells flowers. We also
sell things made of straw, and animals shaped out of wood. Many sexy women
come into our store to buy things. This is why I work here.
First I must tell you about myself. I am 17, I like to listen to Janet
Jackson, and I play AD&D alot by myself. My favorite show is a sitcom
called "The byrds of paradise" on Channel 7, but I also watch Wheel of
Fourtune (becuase Vanna White is pretty, especially now since she's
pregnent) and Star Trek:TNG. I like to drink Gator-Aide and RC Cola.
I use my money from the flower store to buy transcripts of Nightline
and Larry King Live. I subscribe to Wildlife Magazine and Sports
Illistraded for Kids, and my bed time is 9:30 (but sometimes I can stay
up to 11 if my mom comes home late from work). I go to Star Trek
conventoins alot, and my favorite actor in the world is Armon Shimmerman,
the guy who plays Quark on Deep Space Nine. I have an autographed picture
of him that I keep by my bed.
I got into this "computer thing" when I was about 14. I called a D-Dial
named Point Zer0 and I made alot of friends. I ran a BBS called the
Squierrel's Nest (which ran SBBS) and I was co-sysop on Snarf's Music
Studio. I write MOD's in my spare time and I collect stamps. I also collect
pottato chips which look like famous people.
Well one day I met a man named James Hetfield. He showed me a "milk file"
and I was amused. Soon I became obsessed with Milk and I memorized every
file. I had not had so much fun since chn 32 played Mork and Mindy reruns.
So I decided to write a text file for milk. This is it.
I will talk about my job today. I hope you don't mind. I will try to be
as "funny" and as "witty" as I can. But I am not good at that sort of thing.
I get beat up alot when I try. So excuse me if I don't make you vomit from
intense laughter.
At my store I help people buy flowers for loved ones. As I said in the
intro, many sexy women come to the store. Sometimes my penis stands up
becuase, they look so pretty. I once met a woman with big boobs. I think
she knew I was attracted to her becuase she kept winking at me. She
wanted some flowers which were out of stock, so I was going to have to
deliver them to her house when they came in. She gave me her adress and
said to stop by after her husband left for work. (He is a police officer
and ex-army guy). My penis was almost blue by now. I felt very happy that
I was knew where she lived. This was it.
So, you're probably saying now, "Hey Conrad, that's totaly radical. Way to
go dood!" But it was not. How was I going to have sex with this woman
if I didn't have condoms? I don't what to get HIVs. And I am too shy to
buy condoms. And she might not even like me. What was I to do?
I decided to go without condoms. In fact, I was not even going to dress up
or anything. I just threw on my Mortal Kombat tee-shirt and some pants
and went to her house. It was 9am. I rang the bell..
RING
RING
RING
RING
Was she home? Had she lied to me? Was she playing some kind of cruel game
on me? Just then the door opened. It was her. She was wearing tight
jeans and a tight shirt which exposed the lucius (sp) curves of her pretty
breasts. My penis (we'll refer to him as Little Elvis from now on) stood
up tall and proud. My mouth started to water. My heart started to skip
beats. I pee-ed in my pants. I was _wet_.
She invited me in. "Oh, you have my flowers. Thank you for bringing them
here! Why don't you come in and have some pop?" I gladly excepted. I was
starting to wish I had got the condoms when I had the chance. I was "gonna
get some p*ssy" as the rappers say, and I was totally un-prepared. As I
sipped on my soda, we chatted about the weather and current events. (At
the time, Tonya Harding was the big poop). She asked me if I found Tonya
Harding attractive. Bingo - here was my chance. "Not nearly attractive
as you!". She giggled and looked into my eyes. I felt ontop of the world.
WHOOP THERE IT IS! Little Elvis shot a load of sticky cream all over my
pants. I blushed.. I moaned... DAMNIT! DAMNIT! (God forgive me for
swearing!) It was all over. I came in my pants.. And she could smell it
too! Icky bad! I was begining to cry. She laughed at me! I ran out the door
and headed for home.. I was going to kill myself. I am such a loser.
***
Well, after taking a shower and thinking this out, I decided not to kill
myself. Instead, I would have to kill her. That would fix everything.
She couldn't laugh at me if she was 6 feet under, now could she? Yeah,
that would teach that stupid &$*@#. I made a prayer to Jesus and asked
him for forgivness. Then I headed back to her house - with a bat.
I rang the bell again. She answered and said "Oh, it's you again. You left
so quickly I forgot to pay you for the flowers. Um, what's that bat
for hun?" I stoped and tried to figure out what was going on. What had
I become? Was I really going to kill this nice lady just becuase she laughed
at me? She called me hun.. maybe that means something. Instead of killing
her I'll just rape her.. then kill her.. (or maybe the other way around!)
Who cares? I ran up to her and ripped off her shirt..
Her big FAT boobs flooped in the wind.
I started to suck on them. Uhhh yes..
Then I woke up.
BLaH!
I could only wish that was a true story. But I'm just lame old Conrad. I
have no life. Everything past the *** was made up. I never went back. I am
still a virgin. I quit the job at 'Flowers by Pual' and stayed home all day
long during the summer. I eventually got a job at 'Just Tires' where I
currently work, and life is back to normal. Sigh.
Anyway, that's the most exciting thing I could come up with, fellow
MiLK-Heads. I tried. God, I tried. Was it 'witty'? Did you laugh at
least once? I hope so. PLEASE send me your comments about this file to
1)
[email protected] <- my uncle's email adress
2) Conrad on 'Obloid Shpere BBS'
3) Or call my house at 708-251-5049 and ask for Conrad
Thank you for your support! I hope to hear from you soon. I could use
some friends
��[An Offical Conrad(SM) Text File]��������
Halo# = One
Date = June, 24, 1994
Time = 7:47 PM
I was watching = CNN Worldnews
I was listening to = B96
I was eating = pork
I was in my = bedroom
I plan to write Halo Two = in a week
I plan to masturbate = soon
I'd like to thank: Buster Himan
Phill MCrackin
Mom
�������������������������������������������
For more information call 1-800-686-3694 (it might take a few rings
so be patient)
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۲����������� [MiLK] Issue #038, "Conrad" By Conrad
������������� Safe-T-Nutz 6.2: This file is Exactly 518,775 bytes long
conrad's secret pete 1 of 10: "paddle"
(when you put these all together _backwards_, it says something cool!)
