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Grade 12 -- Writing: Story Creation Exercise
By [OMITTED]
_ _
| ROGER BROCCOLI WATER |
| We were to incorporate Roger Waters, Broccoli, and a goat into a story. |
| I will avoid editing this copy, as tempting as it will be to do so. |
| Additions will be enclosed in [brackets]. Teacher (error) comments will |
|_ be within [X brackets X] _|
Raising a parched hunk of half-eaten broccoli in his clenched fist,
Roger cried out, "Would anyone happen to have some water that I might have a
few drops of?"
A few faces peeked out of winders--examining the alien figure below them
in the dusty street, sitting on the back of a black goat--but it was a woman a
few stories up that responded.
This woman was a dark-haired and bright-skinned [beauty]--though Roger
could not see her clearly enough to appreciate her--and it was with all of her
delicate lungs that she wailed, "WHAT?!"
The others--for the most part--feeling that the matter was being taken
care of, returned to their homes and [their] business, [X]though a few remained
curious, and took on the role of the spectator. [X fragment X]
"I was just asking if you have any water [which] you would be so kind as
to offer this owner of some mighty dry broccoli... Me!" Roger shot back in
response.
She stared strong at the figure below,[X] trying to determine his features
across the great distance, as she had no words to analyze. [X wordy X] "This
ain't workin a'tall, I have no a clue what thee lips is sayin, "She sent back
down.
"What's that Miss?" Roger responded, feeling that he might as well do the
futile.
"I'll be comin down to do this a bit'o more with the clear, eh?" cried the
woman.
Roger opened his mouth to respond, but before he could even form the
thoughts for forming words, the woman's head quickly disappeared rom her
window. Why had she abandoned him? He was trying desperately to her her hear
him. He was not some heartless thief of water, and was taking the time to ask
nicely.
He then turned to the other window heads to implore them for assistance,
but they merely [X] stared at his words [X underlined X] as though they didn't
speak his language. Roger lay[X "ed" crossed out X] his head on his goat's
neck, and examined his dehydrated broccoli, feeling defeated.
"Who is that there, eh? and why that there goat there for?" from a very
near doorway, it wa sthe woman from above! She was beautiful!
Roger looked at her and smiled. "It is I, Roger, Roger Water of Roger
Waters' Waters. I'm fresh out of fresh water, and would like very much to dunk
this broccoli into some to finish it off with. IT's become a needful habit
during eating plenty of broccoli and being around plenty of water. [X] And this
goat is Vibert, my companion and means of locomotion for water spring
exploration." [X wordy but it works X]
The woman considered the matter, and this man--whose unimpressive features
she could now see clearly--and replied, "Alright then sirry, off with the goat,
and you come hither for some'o me wettest waters in this dry town."
--
[OMITTED]
Great story. Very cute and funny and clever. You put some effort into
developing it,I see. That's great, and I look forward to reading more of your
stuff.
The best line is "Riger, Riger Waters of Roger Waters' Waters". Very clever,
and made me laugh out loud. Also the last line, the woman's invitation: some
of the wettest water...haw haw. You must have some Irish in you, [OMITTED].
I like the scene, too: the dusty town, the suspicious villagers, the stranger
on a black goat. Has potential.
Now for the criticism/advice
Have someone read it out loud to you. I hope you don't really want the last
line on page ont to stand the way it is. What are you trying to say there?
Are you attempting some kind of accent or dialect?
You succumb to wordiness; e.g., "she had no words to analyze" near the bottom
of your first page. The wordiness works when it's specific, as in "this goat is
Vibert..." (p.2), which is funny, but the first example is just mystifying.
What exactly was she trying to analyze? I don't think analyze is the right
word in this situation. Maybe you problem isn't wordiness so much as using
specific and correct words. For example, you write that the townsfolk "stared
at his words". It's a fascinating thought, and emotionally correct, but
factually impossible. They can stare at him, his goat, his broccoli,b ut not
his words. So think about the words you choose, do write swiftly, but edit
carefully and get feedback.
Great fun!
---
Content 12/15
Language 11/15
Total 23/30
B+
[ PFfT ]
---
Grade 12 -- Writing: Another Story Creation Exercise
By [OMITTED]
_ _
| We were to write without stopping, and to begin with the starter: |
| "The first time..." |
|_ If we found ourself stuck, we were to repeat the last word until unstuck _|
the first time I flew throught he sky I got clouds in my eyes and caught on my
shoes but I wiped
[overheard that it had to be from REAL MEMORY]
the first time I went to totototototo school there were girls and bees and
women under the roof near the windows on the pavement waiting to go in to the
class room maybe it was the first day but I know I started late in the year
like October hanging my things ont he rack I didn't know and feeling like I'm
late and not really one of them was that the first day? turning the corner with
my mother who I don't know why had set me up there lately I was a little mind
being left out for some time and why?
{===========================================================================}
Dream Journals: August 28,1996 - September 1,1996
-----
** Note 1: The following dream journals are transcribed from handwritten
pages, and retain their original spelling and grammatical errors. Some
contain maps and/or diagrams, which unfortunatly cannot be reproduced
here.
** Note 2: It has been over a year since I began recording my dreams upon
waking. Through this process I believe that my ability to recall dreams
after has improved signifigantly - this is why almost all of the journal
entries listed below contain more than one dream per specified date.
-----
August 28, 1996
dream #1: a man walking through the mall with curly black hair passed a
store window and fell in love with a pair of women's sandals that were on
display. he began flailing his arms to express his excitement. he went
into the store to buy a pair of the sandals but they didn't have any large
enough to fit him, and they weren't designed to fit the shape of a man's
foot anyway - this mad him sad.
dream #2: i am in the mall at a ticket-boot type thing/government office,
getting my death certificate. the man behind the counter keeps laughing at
nothing as a machine is printing out my death certificate which looks like:
(it has my name printed large in a blue font, and i am told to sign beside
it - a thick white paper). i begin wondering why i would be signing my own
death certificate - maybe i am being killed - a way for the gov't to control
the population growth? then i wake up - there were several people in line
behind me.
-----
August 30, 1996
dream #1: people would go shopping for groceries at a store in union station
in toronto - all homosexuals were considered "low-level" citizens, so (there
must've been a food shortage) when people showed the store clerk their "food
card"; they would be allowed to purchase food (the food-card would limit the
amount of money each person was allowed to spend on food, to prevent people
from stockpiling food and making the national food shortage worse.) homo-
sexuals were not allowed to purchase food until all heterosexual citizens
had bough their share of food in the city/region available (everything kept
track of on computer -- FUTURE?)... so a pair of middle-aged lesbians are
seen in my dream running into the underground grocery store and the only food
left was a medium-sized carton of milk with fuzzy mould growing from the
spout (which has been opened previously) - as the lesbians purchased the milk,
i see them running out of the station into the daylight onto the sidewalk,
while being heckled/verbally abused by all heterosexuals as they run by. not
sure how they (people know they were lesbians - must've been 'branded' or
something.
dream #2: one of the student 'counsellors' of the residence was going around
to all the rooms and handing out brochures with warnings about the danger
of hail storms in the soo - it is (the brochure) about what precautions to
take and what to do in a hailstorm - hundreds of people (the brochure says,
filled with statistics and figures) die every year when caught outside with
no shelter in a hail storm.
dream #3: i was whistling in the shower.
-----
August 31, 1996
dream #1: two girls having a 'sleepover' (one sleeping overnight at the other
one's house) - the girl who lives there locks herself in her room and when
her friend tries to get in - knocks on door it's locked: "let me in!" - the
girl locked in the room shouts from inside, "i can't let you in right now,
i'm masturbating!" then she says, "you could go down to the kitchen and make
us some sandwiches until i'm done - i'll only be a few more minutes."
i am not an active member of this dream, i am only watching it, as if watching
a movie.
dream #2: i am somewhere in the algoma region - biking across a long, high
wooden bridge (somewhat like the train bridge that spans the <deleted> creek),
while i also (another ME, there are two of me) drive along side myself and
take pictures. i then bike up a hill and i am in a gravel parking lot of
some sort of conservation area, looking for my bike helmet. some old people
walk into the parking lot and look intimidated by me.
-----
September 1, 1996
dream #1: i rode my bike to the school every morning so that i would have only
about 5 minutes to get there - i would be late, so i had to ride as fast and
as aggressively as i possibly could. one day i got a traffic ticket for
fifty dollars for 'dangerous driving' - the next day i was getting pulled
over by the police again, but this time i decided to try to outrun them - they
caught up to me in the school parking lot and they gave me about 6 or 7 more
fines which totalled about six hundered dollars - i was very angry and
depressed and i wanted to kill or be killed.
dream #2: i was living in sault ste. marie and was (is) (am) very upset with
technological-industrial system, so i decided to go the the indian reserve
and become a native. iwalked alongside the train tracks until i got to the
reserve - a cheif was speaking - or just an elder - wearing jeans and a
t-shirt, he was talking to two young natives, saying "do you mind that you
have no parents?" - "no!" - "that is because you are raised by the tribe -
you feel no need for parents, we all take care of you." - he (the chief) was
also talking to a small group of white people who were going to become
indians also - telling them the rules of being in the tribe - then he saw
me arriving - i said to him that i overheard him telling the others the rules
of the tribe, and that i would like to become a native also. he but his arm
around me and we walked along the rail tracks - he asked me why i wanted to
join the tribe and i told him why - suddenly the train tracks were full of
trains and cars and trucks whizzing back and forth, and we had to dodge them,
the tracks had multiplied, it was like a 6-lane highway.
then
{===========================================================================}
wow impress walk through valley death grow from mould of the god with hair that
is wildly flying about the cosmic wind and black but sometimes brown when the
light or the will hits it right just right and if it's wrong then it wont go on
for that's the rule of the road and not following it means prosecution or
incarceration something like that yes because if worlds rotate on the axle of
nostrils we'd better be careful of the nosehairs ya know wildly protruding from
flesh there's holes in flesh and that's what needles go into or that's what she
told me innoculation are cells split when a knife cuts my skin and sends the
blood spraying to the world rushing out is my body that bad to be in i can't
know maybe we should start community programs to clean it up but in reality
that would mean healthy activity or inactivity which doesn't seem worth the
effort value health in a bargain bin at a crappy department store for $19.99
because it looks like it's not really only miniscule away from 20 people don't
think enough to get past some traps of the media clever billboards with sexual
organs hidden in bottles her head was floating upside-down way in that cup on
the book cover and we laughed feed the gators she said and made a clever
comment on slowing down to view car accident scenes impressed sharp am i really
thank you very much i thought 8 but we disagreed this time of the year is cold
and i'm not wearing a coat they look fine but i look funny different rules
apply to the self than the society did nature nurture always wondering where
the growth came from the seed we see only the speed and care only the pain in
the pan melting as the heat latches on molecules bumping dancing to an
increased pace and they all conform to it and then it creeps into the diffusary
crevices of brain wrinkles except how did it get in there
Have you seen that ----/Phone commercial, where they are talking about the
future, and...the guy (scientist?) goes into some little hut in the arctic,
and he is talking to his mom on the computer etc, and watching movies?
That's a sort of cool way to be alone - to be in the middle of NOWHERE, but
have the ability to talk to people if you are on the edge of insanity.
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