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|Vol 1 ******** Gratis |
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PARANORMAL THREATS AGAINST THE USA
Washington DC (PETER FUNK PRESS)
President Clinton's daily staff meeting at the White House ended
abruptly today when the President suddenly fell out of his throne, rolled
around on the floor laughing uncontrollably, and screamed, "Stop it! Stop
it! Stop tickling me." His staff looked at themselves amazed, for none of
them tickled him.
In fact, the President issued an executive order only last week
prohibiting anyone from tickling him. He issued this order after his D-Day
trip to France where French president Francois Mitterand greeted the
President as he deplaned Air Force One by tickling his ribs and saying in
French with his best French accent, "Kootchy kootchy koo. Welcome to France
Bob." Mitterand tried to welcome First Lady Hillary Rodham Clinton the same
way, but she pulled a gun out of her purse, waved it in the air and told
him, "Back off Frenchy."
Clinton's staff made several attempts to stop President Clinton's
delirious laughing by showing him ghastly photographs of starving Somalians,
butchered Rwandans, and, most abhorrent of all, a photograph of Rush
Limbaugh wearing only a pair of bikini underwear. All of their attempts
failed, so First Lady Hillary Clinton called in Surgeon-General Joselyn
Elders to examine Clinton. She immediately diagnosed the President as
falling under a voodoo spell. Elders said she had seen many examples of this
type of sorcery in the most primitive, backward parts of Arkansas like the
state legislature in Little Rock. She left the White House saying, "There's
nothing I can do for the President. Just tell him to take two condoms and
call me in the morning."
Just after Dr. Elders left, President Clinton stopped laughing.
Immediately, the White House received an anonymous phone call from General
Cedras, the military leader of Haiti. Cedras told the White House he hired a
voodoo witch doctor named Ugly Grandma Au-Contraire to make a wax image of
President Clinton and, under his order, she had just tickled the President's
image with a chicken feather.
He then warned the White House that if the U.S. did not lift economic
sanctions against Haiti he would order Ugly Grandma Au-Contraire to begin
snapping the underwear of the waxen image underwear really hard, causing
severe pain in the President. The military strongman then hung up abruptly
because he said his mommy had called him to dinner. "We're having curly-Q
french fries tonight and I get to use a crazy straw in my glass of
Kool-Aid!" he said gleefully.
Clinton became deeply concerned. He told his staff, "A voodoo spell on
me would demean the office of the Presidency, not to mention the pain I
would have to endure of a unremitting underwear snapping." He ordered the
CIA to conduct a counter-terrorist operation against Cedras. Sources in the
CIA have said this operation may include paranormal attacks against Cedras,
possibly involving spontaneous combustion and alternative geography.
Upon announcement of the President's order, prominent Republicans
lawmakers like Newt Gingrich, Phil Graham, Lizzie Borden, Robert Dornan,
Clever Hans, and Dracula attacked the President's intention to use
paranormal aggression against Haiti. They said his defense cuts had weakened
the paranormal defense of the US. They claimed the US could not conduct such
an operation, because, since the end of the Cold War, the US has fallen
behind the Third World in paranormal defense, leaving the American people
vulnerable to hyperphysical aggression from spells, charms, incantations,
and invocations.
Research groups, as the nonpartisan group Center for Strategic
Theosophical Studies, seem to support the Republican proposition. According
to them, at the end of the Cold War, the Department of Defense (DOD) stopped
all funding of paranormal defense. At one time the DOD conducted vigorous
paranormal defense research. For instance, during the Reagan administration,
as part of the Star Wars program, the CIA had a research program to contact
angels in heaven and persuade them to drop nuclear bombs on Moscow.
Reagan became convinced the U.S. could persuade angels to do this
because the Soviet Union was atheist and God was on America's side.
Scientists in the study actually claimed they had contacted heaven's
answering service several times and left messages. However, nobody in heaven
ever answered the messages and the CIA's conclusion of the 20 million dollar
study came to "The residents of heaven are very rude." However, Reagan
disputed the conclusion, believing the angels did not know how to work their
answering machines. He said, "They probably don't know how to operate their
VCRs either."
The Republican Party already has seized paranormal defense as a
campaign issue. This evening, at a Republican fund raiser in Dallas,
Republican Minority Whip Newt Gingrich raised the issue of supernatural
defenses. He told a crowd of 500 Republicans that the US has become more
vulnerable than ever to supernatural aggression from Third World countries.
He called it the greatest threat to US security. As an example, he said a
shaman in Liberia, disgruntled with USA over a lack of Liberians on prime
time American television, could enchant Miss America, and the US would have
no defense against it. The Republican audience gasped.
Gingrich called the problem so serious the Republican Party would use
it as a campaign issue in the next Presidential campaign. He told the
audience the Republicans will go directly to the American people and promise
them a Republican president would never allow its enemies to enchant Miss
America. "Read our lips Republicans should state," said Gingrich, "none of
our enemies foreign or domestic will put the mojo on Miss America."
He called the supernatural defense issue a sure winner for the
Republican Party, and to prevent the Democrats from stealing it, as the
Democrats did with the crime issue, he proposed that the next Republican
nominee for President have the ability to engage in out of body experiences
and to bend spoons with his mind.
#
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Copyright 1994 by Byron Lanning
Byron Lanning (
[email protected] or
[email protected]) writes and
electronically publishes the _Peter Funk Press_. You can reproduce this
material if you do not revise it in any way and acquire no monetary gain
from it. I welcome inquiries and opinions.
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