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=   F.U.C.K. - Fucked Up College Kids - Born Jan. 24th, 1993 - F.U.C.K.   =
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                               enlightenment
                               -------------

               i have moments where i understand everything
               about life, the universe, and most importantly,
               how the pattern weaves itself together so
               tightly and unendingly. protons and quarks,
               planets and poetry, music and literature,
               calculus and algebra, freud and jung.. they all
               become sewn together in my mind, and i can
               see the threads that bind them, slim and shiny,
               and i *know*, for one painful moment, why
               everything is.

               then i lose it.

               less frequently, i have realizations about myself.
               fortunately i rarely lose the lesson i learned
               during that moment of self-enlightenment, but
               they only happen once every few years, and the
               periods between are fraught with inner pain and
               an agonizing hollow sensation, as if i am merely
               waiting for that next moment of knowing so that
               i can piece together my reason for being before
               i can go on with the actual business of living.

               i had one such moment yesterday. suddenly, everything
               has become clear, and it is now, today, that the
               business of living can begin. i feel an inner peace
               so overwhelming that i can describe it only as a
               quasi religious experience, but as an agnostic, i
               cannot quite attribute this sensation to god or
               buddha or anything of that nature.

               i have spent my entire life feeling alone. i know
               that many others in this world have this same
               experience, yet i felt different in a way that no
               one seemed to be able to relate to. i have thoughts
               that do not mesh with experience of others. my
               past is dark and dirty. my brain works too quickly.
               i can almost hear the thoughts and feelings of others.
               i hallucinate. being around people is uncomfortable
               for me because of these oddities that float around
               in my mind. i feel like a freak. i thought that
               i was depressed and unhappy, and that it was all
               merely mental anguish that could be cured with a few
               years therapy and some carefully chosen drugs.

               i was wrong. i am happy this way. i like being alone.
               i like creating things at 3 a.m., coffee cup in
               hand. i like writing long stories that i never
               bother to get published. i like reading books
               that hurt my brain and working out how the author
               came to the conclusions she did. i like sketching
               my odd thoughts on paper. i like observing people,
               but not interacting with them. my existence is
               entirely cerebral and internal to myself, and it
               has become obvious that i am not capable of
               sharing that, that no one in this world can
               comprehend the things i say and do, and i am
               quite happy this way. i don't need anyone. no one
               needs to understand me, because i am not to be
               understood. i only have to exist, and someday i
               would like to find a way to share my inner world
               with others, but not now. it isn't finished yet.

               demonika

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