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X \______ \ _ _ _ __ ___ \ \/ / Corporate Gift Catalog X
X | | \ | | | | '__/ _ \ \ / ------------ X
X | ` \| |_| | | | __/ / \ Summer, 1994 X
X /_______ / \__,_|_| \___|/___/\ \ X
Xxxxxxxxxxx\/ Blender Corporation \_/xxxxxxx[DBC000(CATA)-DB.940601]xxxxxxX
A message from the Director...
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Welcome to the Summer issue of the Durex Corporate Gift Catalog.
It's been one long, cold winter out on the East coast of the United
States, but even the frozen mud of New England's spring didn't prevent us
from preparing for our 1994 Durex Classic re-release! We're proud to
showcase our newest files alongside our older classics. In addition, you
can look forward to an array of attractive and stylish Durex merchandise
which will be available at the end of the summer, just in time for all
our student readers to impress the drooling masses at the start of
another school year.
Durex is also happy to support "I Bleed For This!?", a new project
by the dynamic duo of spite, Durex's own Snarfblat and Jason Farnon.
Jam-packed with angst, complaints, attacks on society and people, the
IBFT writings are an essential part of any textfile collection. Keep an
eye out for Snarf's upcoming Cult of the Dead Cow release, "Mall Death",
a true tour-de-force in the world of "There-Was-This-Guy-And-He-Died"
stories. Another Summer, another Catalog, and only the best... From the
Durex Blender Corporation.
- Random Tox {DBC/Phn0rd}
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Part Number Part Name
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DBC000(INDX)-DB.940601 Durex Corporate Index
A Handy quick reference index to all of the fine DBC releases,
this index is updated regularly. Check with your friendly Durex
Blender representative to make sure you don't fall behind! The
latest Index is always available 24 hours a day via the Durex
Customer Support BBS at 617.696.3146.
DBC001(IPTD)-RT.910812 Irrelevant Prose Volume 1: Some Shorts
Written while Herr Tox was studying in Geneva, these products of
writers block and frustration reveal the innermost thoughts of a
confused young man as he deals with loss. Includes the classic
"Falling Leaves".
If you've read Volume 1, you'll know two things: One, the
description for Volume 1 is total crap. Two, you can't live much
longer without reading more of Herr Tox's prose.
DBC003(IPTD)-RT.911014 Irrelevant Prose Volume 3: Fields of Farmer Brown
This third collection of prose from confused young Random
contains more than a few autobiographical tales filled with lies,
including "More Pasta to You" and "The Toy Animal Diet".
DBC004(GWEK)-SB.911017 A Bedtime Story
From the mind of Herr Blatte comes a tale to tell as you tuck in
your tyke. An enchanting bed-time story, if you can afford to
send your child to a psychiatrist. Apparently Snarfblat's parents
couldn't, but don't let that dampen your storytelling.
DBC005(YLPD)-SB.920207 Elementary School Tales Volume I
Further proof of Snarf's diseased childhood, these tales span the
years from 1980 to 1985. The original copies were each lovingly
scrawled with a fat red pencil, and took up an entire sheet of
noxious yellow school paper with wide ruled lines.
DBC006(HCOE)-TH.920517 The Book of Egg: The Gospel According to Lem
TEHO, the chosen scribe of the Most Holy Egg, translated the
original crumbling manuscript of this holiest of documents in
hopes that The Gospel of Lem would endarken the masses. Within
this Gospel, you will find such parables as "The Healing of a boy
with a Demon" and "Bachareus the Spandex-Maker".
DBC007(SBTD)-RT.920929 The Parable of the Inherent Holiness of Toast
Random Tox embraces the religous of aspects of burnt toast and
the cycle of the seasons, explaining it all to a young neophyte.
Now you know.
DBC008(FIFC)-FH.921011 A Retelling of the Horror Classic: The Monkey's Paw
While most retellings are watered-down regurgitations of the
original, the acclaimed poet and writer, Fishead, dashes all such
preconceived notions to the ground with his masterful crafting of
the reknowned Edgar Allen Poe Classic, "The Monkey's Paw".
DBC009(WFTA)-SB.921017 Snarfpoems Volume I: Falling Alien Cow Data
Gumby falls from space onto a large knitting needle, a heifer
wakes from her century-long slumber to dance under the stars,
someone pets and strokes their only friend, and writing a poem
has never been easier with Snarf's customized instant poem data.
DBC010(HMBB)-SB.921206 Bible Black and Walrus Tusks
Norton lives in a very special place, and has some very special
needs. But someday, somehow, he will find what he fervently
seeks, and his captors will all be vanquished. If only he could
stop vomiting.
DBC011(IKGD)-WA.930122 The Test
When friends become overzealous in an attempt to inspire a divine
monotheistic presence within their loved ones, things can get
tense. Find out what happens when our sadistic, irreligious hero
is bound hand and foot in a burlap sack... Because they care.
DBC012(WITG)-MB.930216 An Old Battery Collection
This is the story of the exceptionally intelligent Thomas Garbo,
his lipless friend Garbo, and the burial of Thomas' former pet
and best friend, a human-cat hybrid named Felix. On a day when
children smoke cigars and the sky drips milky white, Thomas
decides to buy a new pet. This is truly one of the greatest
stories ever written.
DBC013(IFVD)-SR.930311 The Pack
We'll let the reviews speak for this piece:
"My. This is fucking deranged. Hmm. I'm disturbed now, and need
to go make some macaroni and cheese. Your call on this one. I
don't like it, but maybe just because it's really cyber-weird."
- Redline {DBC/Phn0rd}
DBC014(WWWT)-DB.930824 Failed Telewriting Experiments Volume I: The Chouler
It was 2am. Random and Snarf were bored. They were tired. They
typed a lot of stuff. They captured it. Now it's here for you.
Perfect for your coffee table.
DBC015(HMBB)-SB.940315 Secrets of the Electric Eels and
Other Mysteries Unravelled
It all comes down to this. A collection of answers to some of the
greatest mysteries ever... Who really shot JFK... The true origin
of Ernie and Bert... The truth about 'The Wall'... And the all
too startling secrets of the Electric Eels. Are you ready?
Brace yourself for an unrelenting barrage of truth.
DBC016(LTWN)-RT.940408 Warriors, Colts and Treestumps:
Sexcerpts from "Bosi and Herraud"
Follow Bosi, a medieval Norse version of James Bond, on his
adventures as he finds attractive and well informed girls to
temper his warrior and tell him the local news. Actual excerpts
from a thirteenth century manuscript, it's wet, wild and wacky
fun... The way it used to be!
Key to Authors:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
RT Random Tox EH T.E.H.O.
SB Snarfblat MB Moses Blumensteil
FH Fishead DB DBC Collective
WA Wally Acapesak SL Slade
Please pass this copy of the Durex Corporate Gift Catalog along to a
friend. Every copy is filled with exciting new ideas for every occasion from
promotions to demotions, from hirings to firings. With a part number,
description and ordering information for each item, we make sure you'll be
ready for any company outing in a moment's notice! And for the ultimate in
gifts that say 'I care', you can always give the catalog itself to that
special someone. The Durex Corporate Gift Catalog... The gift that keeps on
giving.
Call The Eleventh Hour BBS for the latest Durex Blender Corporation
information and releases. Located in the Boston area, this system has been
serving the customer service needs of New England's most discriminating home
appliance and text file consumers since 1991. Call us anytime, night or day,
at 617.696.3146 for 'round the clock mondoperplexion of the highest calibre.
For those on the Internet, you can access the Durex textfile collection
at ftp.etext.org, in the directory pub/Zines/Durex. Gopher to the same site
for instantaneous home and kitchen appliance gratification that has been said
to push the limits of sensuality, karma and artery-stoppin', down home fried
chicken. And last, but definitely not least, The Durex Blender Corporation
is proud to be a member of UnderWorld Industries. An association of
like-minded companies, corporations and conglomerates, UWI's page on the
World Wide Web is chock full of groovy graphics, info, pointers and of
course, DBC customer support. How can you indulge your seven senses? Look
no further than kzsu.standford.edu/uwi.html, your one-stop enlightenment shop
on the Internet.
This Gift Catalog, as well as the DBC index, will be updated regularly
to correspond with new releases and information.
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xX Copyright (C) 1994 by The Durex Blender Corporation Xx
xX The Durex Blender Corporation / Box 381511 / Cambridge, MA 02238-1511 Xx
xX The Eleventh Hour BBS 617.696.3146 Xx
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