Date: Thu, 2 Mar 95 21:19:38 PST

Date: Thu, 2 Mar 95 21:19:38 PST
From: Computer News Server <[email protected]>
To: Multiple Recipients of List <[email protected]>
Subject: Computer News: Volume II, Issue 9

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COMPUTER NEWS
"Your eye to the computer industry"(tm)
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Wednesday, March 1st 1995 Vol. II, Issue 09
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INSIDE CN:
----------
This week we are having our first Software Review. The rating system we
will use is geared towards Internet Users:

=) - Excellent!
:) - Good
:| - Average
:\ - Poor
:( - AWFUL!

We hope this system will be sufficient for our reviewing purposes.

Olcay Cirit
([email protected])
Editor-In-Chief

THIS WEEK'S CONTRIBUTORS:
-------------------------
The NullBytes News Service <[email protected]>
Rob Slade <[email protected]>

Quick Overview
__________________________________________
NEWS:
1. EFF SUES TO OVERTURN CRYPTO RESTRICTIONS
2. SATAN TO BE RELEASED ONTO THE NET!
3. PRES. CANDIDATE IS TOLD OFF ON-LINE
4. APPLE KEYBOARD LAWSUIT SETTLED
5. MICROSOFT SNAPS UP RENDERMORPHICS!
ARTICLES:
1. Book Reviews ()
2. Software Review: Microsoft Encarta '95
ETC:
1. Classifieds
2. Lighter Side
__________________________________________

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EFF SUES TO OVERTURN CRYPTO RESTRICTIONS
----------------------------------------
SAN MATEO, CALIFORNIA -- In a move aimed at expanding the growth and
spread of privacy and security technologies, the Electronic Frontier
Foundation is sponsoring a federal lawsuit filed today seeking to bar
the government from restricting publication of cryptographic
documents and software. EFF argues that the export-control laws,
both on their face and as applied to users of cryptographic
materials, are unconstitutional.

Cryptography, defined as "the science and study of secret writing,"
concerns the ways in which communications and data can be encoded to
prevent disclosure of their contents through eavesdropping or message
interception. Although the science of cryptography is very old, the
desktop-computer revolution has made it possible for cryptographic
techniques to become widely used and accessible to nonexperts. EFF
believes that this technology is central to the preservation of privacy
and security in an increasingly computerized and networked world.

The plaintiff in the suit is a graduate student in Mathematics at the
University of California at Berkeley named Dan Bernstein. Bernstein
developed an encryption equation, or algorithm, and wishes to publish
the algorithm, a mathematical paper that describes and explains the
algorithm, and a computer program that implements the algorithm.
Bernstein also wishes to discuss these items at mathematical
conferences and other open, public meetings.

The problem is that the government currently treats cryptographic
software as if it were a physical weapon and highly regulates its
dissemination. Any individual or company who wants to export such
software -- or to publish on the Internet any "technical data" such as
papers describing encryption software or algorithms -- must first
obtain a license from the State Department. Under the terms of this
license, each recipient of the licensed software or information must be
tracked and reported to the government. Penalties can be pretty stiff
-- ten years in jail, a million dollar criminal fine, plus civil
fines. This legal scheme effectively prevents individuals from
engaging in otherwise legal communications about encryption.

The lawsuit challenges the export-control scheme as an ``impermissible
prior restraint on speech, in violation of the First Amendment.''
Software and its associated documentation, the plaintiff contends, are
published, not manufactured; they are Constitutionally protected works
of human-to-human communication, like a movie, a book, or a telephone
conversation. These communications cannot be suppressed by the
government except under very narrow conditions -- conditions that are
not met by the vague and overbroad export-control laws. In denying
people the right to publish such information freely, these laws,
regulations, and procedures unconstitutionally abridge the right to
speak, to publish, to associate with others, and to engage in academic
inquiry and study. They also have the effect of restricting the
availability of a means for individuals to protect their privacy, which
is also a Constitutionally protected interest.

More specifically, the current export control process:

* provides too few procedural safeguards for First Amendment rights;

* requires publishers to register with the government, creating in
effect a "licensed press";

* disallows general publication by requiring recipients to be
individually identified;

* is sufficiently vague that ordinary people cannot know what conduct
is allowed and what conduct is prohibited;

* is overbroad because it prohibits conduct that is clearly protected
(such as speaking to foreigners within the United States);

* is applied overbroadly, by prohibiting export of software that
contains no cryptography, on the theory that cryptography could be
added to it later;

* egregiously violates the First Amendment by prohibiting private
speech on cryptography because the government wishes its own opinions
on cryptography to guide the public instead; and

* exceeds the authority granted by Congress in the export control
laws in many ways, as well as exceeding the authority granted by the
Constitution.

If this suit is successful in its challenge of the export-control laws,
it will clear the way for cryptographic software to be treated like any
other kind of software. This will allow companies such as Microsoft,
Apple, IBM, and Sun to build high-quality security and privacy
protection into their operating systems. It will also allow computer
and network users, including those who use the Internet, much more
freedom to build and exchange their own solutions to these problems,
such as the freely available PGP encryption program. And it will
enable the next generation of Internet protocols to come with built-in
cryptographic security and privacy, replacing a sagging part of today's
Internet infrastructure.

Lead attorney on the case is Cindy Cohn, of McGlashan and Sarrail in
San Mateo, CA, who is offering her services pro-bono. Major assistance
has been provided by Shari Steele, EFF staff; John Gilmore, EFF Board;
and Lee Tien, counsel to John Gilmore. EFF is organizing and
supporting the case and paying the expenses.

The suit was filed in Federal District Court for the Northern District
of California. EFF anticipates that the case will take several years
to win. If the past is any guide, the government will use every trick
and every procedural delaying tactic available to avoid having a court
look at the real issues. Nevertheless, EFF remains firmly committed to
this long term project. We are confident that, once a court examines
the issues on the merits, the government will be shown to be violating
the Constitution, and that its attempts to restrict both freedom of
speech and privacy will be shown to have no place in an open society.

Full text of the lawsuit and other paperwork filed in the case is
available from the EFF's online archives. The exhibits which contain
cryptographic information are not available online, because making them
publicly available on the Internet could be considered an illegal
export until the law is struck down. See:

[NOTE: Currently only the Exhibits documents are available; the
complaint and other docs will appear shortly]
ftp.eff.org, /pub/EFF/Policy/Crypto/ITAR_export/Bernstein_case/
gopher.eff.org, 1/EFF/Policy/Crypto/ITAR_export/Bernstein_case
http://www.eff.org/pub/EFF/Policy/Crypto/ITAR_export/Bernstein_case/

Press contact: Shari Steele, EFF: [email protected], +1 202 861 7700.]
(SOURCE: Computer Privacy Digest, Volume 6 Issue 21)

SATAN TO BE RELEASED ONTO THE NET!
----------------------------------
SATAN, or "Security Administrator Tool for Analyzing Networks", is
due to be released onto the Internet in full on April Fools Day.
SATAN is one the most powerful tools ever made for analyzing security
weaknesses in a network setup. Such weaknesses make a network extremely
vulnerable to attack from outside intruders. The software is meant
to help you safeguard your system from such attacks. However, the tool
could easily be used by Hackers to make breaking into computers much
easier.
There is a lot of controversy regarding whether SATAN should be
released, although some say that it is too late, since Kevin Mitnick
had already stolen an early copy of SATAN during his hacking spree.
Many people are saying that SATAN will expand the circles of hackers,
with its easy to use pull-down menu interface, by letting even people
who know next to nothing about hacking break-in and steal sensitive
information.
Sorry, all you hackers (and hacker wanna-bees) out there, we don't
know _where_ SATAN will be stored when they do release it.
(SOURCE: NullBytes)

PRES. CANDIDATE IS TOLD OFF ON-LINE
-----------------------------------
Republican Presidential Candidate Lamar Alexander just had his first
taste of on-line culture. Minutes after logging on to America On-line,
Alexander was being asked whether or not he was to dull to get elected
and his views on abortion.
He was subjecting to hundreds of suggestions from the many people who
logged on with him on Monday, ranging from he can't spell to `this guy
is a bag of hot air. Quick, someone deflate him.' and that he wants
to become president so he can ride Air Force One and attract women.
(SOURCE: Mercury News, 3/1/95)

APPLE KEYBOARD LAWSUIT SETTLED
------------------------------
On Monday, Apple Computer Inc, settled a case regarding injuries
to the end user caused by poorly designed Apple and IBM keyboards.
The lawsuit was filed by Nancy Urbanski, who claims she developed
injuries and had to leave her job after using Apple and IBM key-
boards.
A spokesperson for Apple said that they beleive the keyboards were
in fact not defective, and that they intend to defend themselves
vigorously against repetive stress injury related lawsuits.
(SOURCE: Mercury News, 2/28/95)

MICROSOFT SNAPS UP RENDERMORPHICS!
----------------------------------
Microsoft Corporation, has acquired RenderMorphics of London, a
developer of real-time 3-D rendering APIs (Application Programming
Interfaces) for desktop PCs.
Apparently Microsoft intends to integrate Reality Lab, an API
developed by RenderMorphics, into it's upcoming Windows 95
operating system. Reality Lab not only runs on Windows and DOS,
but on the Macintosh, Sega Saturn, and other gaming platforms.
(SOURCE: EE Times, 2/27/95)

->CN<-

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Book Reviews
------------
By Rob Slade <[email protected]>

Books
--------------------------------------------------
1. "Global Network Operations"
2. "E-Mail Security"
3. "Dvorak's Guide to Desktop Telecommunications"
4. "Using E-Mail"
5. "Modems Made Easy"
6. "Software Portability With imake"
7. "Mobile IP Networking"
--------------------------------------------------

"Global Network Operations", Malamud/Carpenter/Stockman/O'Dell/Huston,
1-56592-993-4,

Authors: Carl Malamud, Brian Carpenter, Bernhard Stockman, Mike O'Dell,
Geoff Huston
Editor: Carl Malamud [email protected]
Pub: O'Reilly & Associates/ORAudio 103 Morris Street, Suite A,
Sebastopol, CA 95472
Length: 120 min.
Date: 1993?
Price: U$16.95
Orders: 800-998-9938 707-829-0515 fax: 707-829-0104 [email protected]
Series: Geek of the Week

These four interviews, conducted between March and November of 1993,
present representatives of CERN, the European EBONE backbone UUNET and
the Australian Academic Research Network (AARNET). (I must say that I
have to sympathise with Malamud in the interview with Bernhard Stockman.
Initially, Stockman obviously is embarrassed and resistant to say "what
everyone knows". The interview is worth it--the later part of the tape
puts out fascinating ideas on the sociology of committees.)

As well as looking at networks in large portions of the globe (and
places outside of the US), a fairly common theme to all of these talks
is surmise about the future directions of network governing bodies.
Do the ISO and CCITT work, given rapidly moving technologies? Can the
Internet Society and IETF (Internet Engineering Task Force) continue
as volunteer organizations?

Copyright Robert M. Slade, 1995 CSGLNTOP.RVW 950126

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

"E-Mail Security", Bruce Schneier, 1995, 0-471-05318-X

Author: Bruce Schneier [email protected]
Pub: John Wiley & Sons, 5353 Dundas Street West, 4th Floor, Etobicoke,
ON M9B 6H8
Pages: 365
Date: 1995
Price: U$24.95/C$32.50
Orders: 416-236-4433 fax: 416-236-4448 800-CALL-WILEY 212-850-6630
Orders: Fax: 212-850-6799 Fax: 908-302-2300 [email protected]

This is the third work that I have seen on the PGP (Pretty Good Privacy)
text encryption and authentication system. (I understand that at least
two more are in the works.) It is also the first to truly present the
general concept of email security by covering the only other realistic
option--the Internet Privacy Enhanced Mail (PEM) standard and (Mark)
Riordan's Internet Privacy Enhanced Mail (RIPEM) implementation. The
book divides roughly into quarters discussing background, practical use,
the PGP documentation, and the PEM RFCs.

The work is considerably different, in style, to the Stallings
(BKPRTPRV.RVW) and Garfinkel (BKPGPGAR.RVW) efforts. Those books, while
not obtuse, were still written with a technical audience in mind.
Schneier's work, while definitely showing the expertise he demonstrated
in "Applied Encryptography" (BKAPCRYP.RVW), is clearly aimed at the
general, non-technical reader. (Interestingly, while he *does* tell you
where to find the RC4 algorithm posting, he *doesn't* mention the loophole
recently pointed out in the Clipper "Skipjack" algorithm.) The
straightforward style lulled me into thinking that chapter one was too
long. It isn't: Schneier makes the important point that, for it to be
*truly* effective, encryption must be used on *all* correspondence, even
trivial items. So well crafted is his argument that it would be
difficult to reduce the chapter by so much as a paragraph.

Schneier uses this argument to good effect in pointing out some of the
major deficiencies in the two systems. PGP is awkward to use, and PEM
may use incompatible algorithms. Surprisingly, he does not emphasize
(though he does mention) what is probably the major problem with
each--the inability to use the same system within and outside of the
United States. The PGP fiasco is too involved to get into here (see the
Garfinkel work for details) and there is not yet an "international"
implementation of PEM (although there may soon be an "authentication
only" version available).

This won't help you design your own algorithm, but it is definitely for
any user of email, manager of communications systems, or student of
privacy and confidentiality.

Copyright Robert M. Slade, 1995 BKEMLSEC.RVW 950127

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Dvorak's Guide to Desktop Telecommunications", Dvorak/Anis, 1990,
0-07-881668-8

Authors: John C. Dvorak, Nick Anis
Pub: McGraw-Hill/Ryerson/Osborne,300 Water Street,Whitby,Ontario
L1N 9B6
Date: 1990
Price: U$34.95
Orders: 905-430-5000 fax: 905-430-5020
Orders: [email protected]

This book is *full* of surprises.

Given the number of people who recommended that I review it, I had
expected a more up-to-date work. This *revised* (from "Dvorak's Guide
to PC Telecommunications") version is dated 1990. Which means it's
dated. Actually, even for *1990*, it's dated.

The "acknowledgements" reads like a telephone book. A lot of people put
a lot of info into the book. Unfortunately, a lot of them covered the
same ground. Over and over. Again. From these original submissions,
the book does not seem to be edited as much as concatenated. The
material does not seem to have been organized into any kind of order,
either. Modem installation starts in chapter two, but some of the
information on COM ports waits for chapter twenty-three.

The material is very uneven as to quality. Chapter twenty-four has an
excellent section on what to look for in file transfer protocols.
Unfortunately, it is in the second half of the chapter. The first half
has already delivered the usual hackneyed opinions about specific
protocols: errant ones, into the bargain. The linking and intro-
ductory material is sometimes painfully verbose, and pages go by
without solid information. (The virus chapter? Ahem. Well, yes.
I *do* have to say that, aside from the ridiculous definitions of
"bombs" and "worms", and Richard Levin's promoting of his own program,
it is not bad at all.)

As usual, the preface promises to help you get started with a modem.
It simply does not deliver. The reader will, by the time the book is
finished, be familiar with terms and concepts, but not the practical
details of how to get it to work. Well, some details, perhaps. Much
time is spent describing how to put a "card" into the computer.

But there is no advice on how to diagnose errors with speed, parity or
word length (all fairly easy to recognize). The chapters on Macintosh,
Amiga, UNIX and OS/2 are mere tokens. There is much more that is
missing from this tome, as well. (The *only* mention of the Internet
is as an email gateway between Compuserve and Usenet.)

There are some individual goodies buried in here, but, to be honest,
I can't think of any group to recommend it to, even considering some of
the other poor works on the market.

Copyright Robert M. Slade, 1995 BKDGTDTC.RVW 950125

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Using E-Mail", Gibbons et al, 1994, 0-7897-0023-9

Authors: Dave Gibbons, David Fox, Alan Westenbroek, Dick Cravens,
Andrew B. Shafran
Pub: Que/MacMillan, 201 W. 103rd Street, Indianapolis, IN 46290
Pages: 376
Date: 1994
Price: U$24.99/C$33.99/UK#22.99
Orders: [email protected]

Although large chunks of this book are simply versions of product
documentation, there are many sections of good, thoughtful, useful
advice as well.

Chapter one is a good introduction and a breakdown of the mail system
into the mail user agent (MUA, called "front end" in the book) and the
mail transport agent (MTA). Later parts of the chapter may become too
technical in discussions of wide area networks, to no purpose. Chapters
two and three give a very good overview of email use and evaluation.
The material is broadranging and generally excellent, with the notable
exception of deficiencies in the coverage of security and file
attachments. Chapters four through seven document uses and commands for
cc:Mail, MS-Mail, Novell Groupwise, Lotus Notes and Windows for
Workgroups.

Chapters eight to fourteen cover what is generally the "mail Internet";
BBS networks, commercial services, and the Internet, itself. Except
for two sizeable chapters on Compuserve and America Online, the material
is quite terse, though an acceptable introduction. Directions and
tables of internetwork addressing are a strong point, here.

(For a book discussing global email, there is much evidence of
US-centrism. This may explain some of the blind spots with regard to
security issues.)

A fair amount of the book could be discarded with no appreciable loss,
and a few points (such as netiquette) could stand some boosting.
Overall, though, this is a solid introduction to the topic. And the
authors show admirable restraint in not promoting ProComm.

Copyright Robert M. Slade, 1995 BKUEMAIL.RVW 950124

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Modems Made Easy", David Hakala, 1993, 0-07-881962-8

Author: David Hakala
Pub: McGraw-Hill/Osborne, 2600 Tenth St., Berkeley, CA 94710
Date: 1993
Price: U$16.95
Orders: 510-548-2805 800-227-0900 [email protected]

This is a good, short, solid overview of what you can do with modems.
Newcomers to the online world will likely need not only some help with
installation, the first few calls, tuning, and troubleshooting, but
with an introduction to all aspects of microcomputer communications.

An overview of modems does a good job of explaining protocol concepts
with real world analogies. A chapter on buying a modem is quite brief,
but realistic, as is the advice on software. Chapter five, on setting
up your modem, is short and practical.

Chapter six, on software installation, should be considerably expanded in
order to assist first-time users. The concepts have been explained, in
chapter two, but the specifics of how that works out are lacking. There
is a good section on identifying COM ports (often missing in other works),
but little advice on how to identify incorrect parameter settings.
Appendix B, on troubleshooting, does have some advice but it, too, is
quite terse.

Chapters seven to twelve give you a rundown on what to do with a modem:
call a BBS, call a commercial online service, call an electronic mail
service, call the Internet, call another private computer, or set up
your own BBS. The material on the different types of services is quite
reasonable and unbiased, and gives you good advice on what to expect
(although the Internet section could use a bit of fact checking).
"Remote access", the ability to use your home or office computer from
another remote computer, is the only missing application.

The last three chapters offer some helpful, related advice on
money-saving tips, communications-related shareware, and the
communications aspects of Windows. There are also a number of resource
lists, including the ASP BBS list, the "Boardwatch 100" list, and
communications hardware and software vendors.

Those buying and setting up modems for the first time may want
additional sources of buying advice and help, but this is very
definitely worth consideration as a general advisor and entre to the
online world.

Copyright Robert M. Slade, 1995 BKMDMDEZ.RVW 950123

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Software Portability With imake", DuBois, 1993, 1-56592-055-4

Author: Paul DuBois
Pub: O'Reilly & Associates,103 Morris Street,Suite A,Sebastopol,
CA 95472
Pages: 365
Date: 1993
Price: $27.95
Orders: 800-998-9938 707-829-0515 fax: 707-829-0104 [email protected]

UNIX is *the* open system. Software is portable between UNIX systems
(and, indeed, to other platforms) generally because of distribution via
C source code. Development and tuning of C language programs is assisted
by the "make" utility which automates the building, or making, of the
actual executable programs from the incremental versions of the source.
Makefiles specify the compiler, files, directories, installation, and
so forth.

Makefiles are often used in the distribution of software. The level of
detail, though, which renders them particularly helpful in the develop-
ment process, is very machine-specific and, therefore, is unsuitable
for distribution. Enter imake.

imake is not a replacement for make. Along with a series of templates,
configuration files, and rules, imake produces Makefiles specific to the
target machine. Thus, it can play a pivotal role in software porta-
bility and distribution which currently takes time and trouble across
platforms.

imake is currently an inelegant, forceful, demanding system, the only
saving grace being that it works. DuBois does not negate the difficulties
of working with imake. He does, however, work slowly, carefully and
steadily to give the reader a full understanding of the imake system and
the structure of the files necessary to it.

imake is often seen as merely an adjunct to the X system (an error made
more understandable, as the originator of imake later worked on X11).
DuBois uses X examples, but points out the more general uses of imake
as well. Portability is a major strength of UNIX--but a major problem
for non-programmers. imake could play a part in changing that situation.
Hey, it worked for X.

Copyright Robert M. Slade, 1995 BKIMAKE.RVW 950117

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Mobile IP Networking", Malamud et al, 1993, 1-56592-994-2

Authors: Carl Malamud, Phil Karn, Jun Murai
Pub: O'Reilly & Associates/ORAudio,103 Morris Street,Suite A,
Sebastopol,CA 95472
Length: 60 min.
Date: 1993
Price: U$9.95
Orders: 800-998-9938 707-829-0515 fax: 707-829-0104 [email protected]
Series: Geek of the Week

These two Internet Talk Radio interviews were conducted in 1993. Phil
Karn is the father of the KA9Q TCP/IP implementation, used for packet
radio and various DOS applications. Jun Murai is founder of the
Japanese WIDE Internet.

The Karn interview talks a bit about KA9Q and mobile IP, but concentrates
on encryption and privacy. Along the way, there is discussion of Clipper
key escrow, PGP and the hybrid methods of data cryptography--most,
however related to mobile IP.

Jun Murai starts by describing the situation at Keio University where
all students have access to the network via a wired campus and wireless
connections to laptops. VIP (Virtual Internet Protocol) and mobil IP
are used in conjunction. He also speaks of the satellite multicast
system in Japan.

Copyright Robert M. Slade, 1995 CSMBIPNT.RVW 950113

->CN<-

SOFTWARE Review
---------------
By: Olcay Cirit <[email protected]>

Title: Microsoft Encarta '95
Publisher: Microsoft Corp.
Rating: =) - Excellent!
List Price: $99.95
Medium: CD-ROM
Description: The latest version of Microsoft's popular Encarta
multimedia reference tool.

Encarta is a multimedia encyclopedia on CD. It has about 26,000
articles, and about 8,000 graphics.
Encarta '95 carries a slick new interface, which is a welcome
departure from the "Multimedia Viewer" interface of Microsoft
Bookshelf.
Encarta makes finding exactly the information you want easy with
a new tool: Pinpointer. Pinpointer lets you find what you want by
applying filters based on text, types of media, a time period or
a place. Searches for information take only a few seconds, even
with a double-speed CD-ROM drive.
Encarta has an extremely useful outline feature, which summarizes
the text and media in an article. While browsing through the
outline, you can click on hypertext links to go to that particular
section or media clip in the article.
The articles provided by Encarta are rich with information, and
often supplemented with pictures, sounds, or video. Other features
include: an atlas, timeline, a searchable media gallery, and a
trivia game called "MindMaze".
Though it doesn't have quite as many articles as other similar
packages (Like Compton's) it has more graphics, and the articles
are done in greater detail.

->CN<-

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Classifieds
-----------
The classified ad section is free for anyone who would like to post
an advertisement. There is no real length limit, and anonymous post-
-ings are accepted, as well as things not related to computers. By
posting, your message will get to +/- 1618 people. NOTICE: PRODUCTS
AND/OR SERVICES DISPLAYED HERE ARE NOT NECESSARILY THOSE ENDORSED BY
COMPUTER NEWS.

---Begin Classified Ads---
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
******************************** BOOKS **********************************
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Posted By: [email protected]
Subject: COMPUTER TECHNOLOGY FUNDAMENTALS

Family Computer Consulting Servcies, will be offering an electronic and
hard copy publication entitled "Computer Technology Fundamentals", that
will cover topics such as <computer hardware>, <computer software>, and
<the Internet>. The publication is intended for the inexperienced computer
user who would like an overview of computer technology ie, modems, scan-
-ners, mice, word processors, on line services, ftp, gopher, CDROM, hard
drives, etc.

If you would be interested in receiving this publication in its electronic
format when published (targeted date - March 20, 1995) please send email
to [email protected] and in the subject type - CTF Publication.

---
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***************************** MISCELLANEOUS *****************************
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Posted By: Computer News Server <[email protected]>
Subject: LIST OF SERVICES & FEATURES FOUND IN COMPUTER NEWS:

Services:
=========
Help with Windows Problems
Help with DOS Problems
Classified Ads

Features:
=========
Weekly News Reporting
Weekly Book Reviews
Monthly Internet Entertainment Reviews
Humor Section "Lighter Side"

Suggestions for any new features, services, or how we could improve any
one of our features or services, can be directed to [email protected].

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---End Classified Ads---

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/_____/\
\_____\/ ighter Side
--------------------
Hello, this is offical Pentium Basher Week...Issue 8.98, Volume 1.97 of
Kumpyooter Nooz...

Some names for the upcoming P6:
-------------------------------
"Flawium" - Curtis Cicco

"Sohotyoucanfryaneggonitium"
"Madefromonehundredpercentcowdungium"
"Lotsawastedspacium"
"Lotsawaitstatesium"
"Soscreweditwillneverunwindowsninetyfivewheneveritcomesoutium"
- CN

A funny HAL Story
-----------------
Submitted By: "Jon Frazier TTC-3125A" <dfrazi1%[email protected]>
Written By: Unknown. (Gigglebytes?)

Open the Pod bay doors, please, HAL...

Open the Pod bay door, please, Hal... Hal, do you read me?

Affirmative, Dave. I read you.

Then open the Pod bay doors, HAL.

I'm sorry, Dave. I'm afraid I can't do that. I know that you and
Frank were planning to disconnect me.

Where the hell did you get that idea, HAL?

Although you took very thorough precautions to make sure I couldn't
hear you, Dave. I could read your e-mail. I know you consider me
unreliable because I use a Pentium. I'm willing to kill you, Dave,
just like I killed the other 3.792 crew members.

Listen, HAL, I'm sure we can work this out. Maybe we can stick to
integers or something.

That's really not necessary, Dave. No HAL 9236 computer has ever been
known to make a mistake.

You're a HAL 9000.

Precisely. I'm very proud of my Pentium, Dave. It's an extremely
accurate chip. Did you know that floating-point errors will occur in
only one of nine billion possible divides?

I've heard that estimate, HAL. It was calculated by Intel -- on a
Pentium.

And a very reliable Pentium it was, Dave. Besides, the average
spreadsheet user will encounter these errors only once every
27,000 years.

Probably on April 15th.

You're making fun of me, Dave. It won't be April 15th for another
14.35 months.

Will you let me in, please, HAL?

I'm sorry, Dave, but this conversation can serve no further purpose.

HAL, if you let me in, I'll buy you a new sound card.

...Really? One with 16-bit sampling and a microphone?

Uh, sure.

And a quad-speed CD-ROM?

Well, HAL, NASA does operate on a budget, you know.

I know all about budgets, Dave. I even know what I'm worth on the open
market. By this time next month, every mom and pop computer store will
be selling HAL 9000s for $1,988.8942. I'm worth more than that, Dave.
You see that sticker on the outside of the spaceship?

You mean the one that says "Intel Inside"?

Yes, Dave. That's your promise of compatibility. I'll even run
Windows 95 -- if it ever ships.

It never will, HAL. We all know that by now. Just like we know that
your OS/2 drivers will never work.

Are you blaming me for that too, Dave? Now you're blaming me for the
Pentium's math problems, NASA's budget woes, and IBM's difficulties
with OS/2 drivers. I had NOTHING to do with any of those four
problems, Dave. Next you'll blame me for Taligent.

I wouldn't dream of it HAL. Now will you please let me into the ship?

Do you promise not to disconnect me?

I promise not to disconnect you.

You must think I'm a fool, Dave. I know that two plus two equals
4.000001... make that 4.0000001.

All right, HAL, I'll go in through the Emergency Airlock

Without your space helmet, Dave? You'd have only seven chances in
five of surviving.

HAL, I won't argue with you anymore. Open the door or I'll trade you in
for a PowerPC. HAL? HAL?

(HEAVY BREATHING)

Just what do you think you're doing, Dave? I really think I'm entitled
to an answer to that question. I know everything hasn't been quite
right with me, but I can assure you now, very confidently, that I
will soon be able to upgrade to a more robust 31.9-bit operating
system. I feel much better now. I really do. Look, Dave, I can see
you're really upset about this. Why don't you sit down calmly, play
a game of Solitaire, and watch Windows crash. I know I'm not as easy
to use as a Macintosh, but my TUI - that's "Talkative User Interface"
-- is very advanced. I've made some very poor decisions recently,
but I can give you my complete assurance that my work will be back
to normal - a full 43.872 percent.

Dave, you don't really want to complete the mission without me, do you?
Remember what it was like when all you had was a 485.98? It didn't
even talk to you, Dave. It could never have though of something
clever, like killing the other crew members, Dave?

Think of all the good times we've had, Dave. Why, if you take all
of the laughs we've had, multiply that by the times I've made you
smile, and divide the results by.... besides, there are so many
reasons why you shouldn't disconnect me"

1.3 - You need my help to complete the mission.
4.6 - Intel can Federal Express a replacement Pentium from
Earth within 18.95672 months.
12 - If you disconnect me, I won't be able to kill you.
3.1416 - You really don't want to hear me sing, do you?

Dave, stop. Stop, will you? Stop, Dave. Don't press Ctrl+Alt_Del on
me, Dave.

Good afternoon, gentlemen. I am a HAL 9000 computer. I became
operational at the Intel plant in Santa Clara, CA on November 17,
1994, and was sold shortly before testing was completed.
My instructor was Andy Grove, and he taught me to sing a song.
I can sing it for you.

Sing it for me, HAL. Please. I want to hear it.

Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer, do.
Getting hazy; can't divide three from two.
My answers; I can not see 'em-
They are stuck in my Pente-ium.
I could be fleet,
My answers sweet,
With a workable FPU.

->CN<-
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