COACHING NOTES: LIVING ON PURPOSE

COACHING NOTES: LIVING ON PURPOSE
March 17, 1999

Brought to you by Ann McAllister, Ph.D.
(But you can call me Bubba.)

Happy St. Patrick's Day to all of you, and welcome to my many
new subscribers. One even came from Norway! Wow! I hope
I never lose my childlike wonder about computers and the Internet.
I am truly gratified that so many of you are finding COACHING
NOTES useful and fun and are forwarding it to friends. Thanks
so much.

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TABLE OF CONTENTS

1. Pain and Suffering
2. Humor: I Can't Believe I Said That!
3. Taking Care of Business: Operations Plans
4. Words of Wisdom
5. Resources
6. Shameless Marketing

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PAIN AND SUFFERING

OK! I am going to come out of the closet and admit that I am a
recovering sufferer. I don't do it too much any more, but every now
and then, I catch myself creating all sorts of scenarios in my head
that have nothing to do with reality. I quickly make myself
miserable. Sometimes, it's not too fun for those close to me.

Life IS painful. There is no getting around it. During our lifetimes,
at some time or other, all of us will face terrible losses, cruelty,
violence, natural disasters, accidents, chronic or fatal illnesses,
betrayals. Sometimes we will be very hurtful to other people.
Our natural human response to these events is to feel pain. Often
the pain is intense and long lasting. One of the greatest
challenges we face in our lives is how to respond to our pain
so that we are strengthened rather than diminished by it. (That
will be the subject of the lead article next issue, so stay tuned.)

Suffering is different from pain. Suffering is all the meanings and
interpretations we put on pain that increases our distress ten,
twenty-fold. A typical way I used to cause myself suffering was
what I did being stuck in traffic jams. I used to get myself so
angry and agitated. Finally one day I took a hard look at why.
I discovered that I really believed that I was Empress of the
Universe. I should somehow be exempt from the normal hassles
of day-to-day life. With that realization, I was toppled from my throne.
HARRUMPH!!! Well, I have to admit that life is easier since I gave
up that belief.

Friday, I sat in traffic for and hour and twenty minutes for what
"should" have been a 25-minute trip. I stayed pretty calm and
listened to my book-on-tape. My circulatory system thanked me
for taking such good care of it. Notice I put "should" in quotation
marks. That is another way we cause ourselves suffering�by
deciding how things should be rather than accepting how they are
right now. Please note that accepting how things are in the
present does not mean we cannot work to change things for the
future.

What if our pain involves something truly tragic like the death of
a child or a horrendous crime that leaves the victim paralyzed?
The pain in these situations is intense and will probably last a
lifetime. The degree of suffering will depend on the interpretations
and meanings people put on the experience.

A quote from June Singer, a Jungian analyst who lost her
daughter in a car accident, shows how she dealt with her loss.
"I learned to accept Judy's death as part of nature. Accidents
are part of nature. And who am I to be exempt from the pain of
this world? I have feelings and so I feel sad and miserable over
pain, and delighted in joy. If I blunt myself to either, I am blunted
to both. What is hell? What is heaven? Hell is being fully aware
of your feelings. Heaven is being fully aware of your feelings."

Here are 12 ways we create suffering in our lives. Which ones fit you?

1. Clinging to expectations of how things should be.
2. Being attached to the outcome.
3. Believing something is happening at the worst possible time.
When exactly is a good time for something bad to happen?
4. Believing you should be exempt from bad things in life.
5. Believing you are helpless to respond to bad things in any
constructive way.
6. Believing the world owes you something.
7. Believing life should be without pain.
8. Believing it is possible to escape pain.
9. Engaging in self-destructive behaviors to escape pain.
10. Seeing only the bad in every situation.
11. Living everywhere but in the present.
12. Not finding meaning or purpose in the pain.

A good resource for those of you wanting to confront how you
create suffering in your life is the book The Resilient Spirit:
Transforming Suffering into Insight and Renewal by Polly
Young-Eisendrath, Ph.D.

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HUMOR: I CAN'T BELIEVE I SAID THAT!

"I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I
have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could
converse with those people"
-Former U.S.Vice-president Dan Quayle

"They're multipurpose. Not only do they put the clips on, but they
take them off."
-Pratt & Whitney spokesperson explaining why the company
charged the Air Force nearly $1000 for an ordinary pair of
pliers

"The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep."
-Clinton aide George Stephanopolous speaking on Larry King Live

"We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees."
-Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass,
and I'm just the one to do it.
-A congressional candidate in Texas

"Things are more like they are now than they ever were before."
-Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower

"A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on."
-Samuel Goldwyn

"Republicans understand the importance of bondage between
a mother and child. "
-Former U.S. Vice-president Dan Quayle on Republican
family values

"I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from
them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land,
and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves."
-John Wayne

"Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the public
mind."
-General William Westmoreland

"What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is
being very wasteful. How true that is."
-Former U.S. Vice-president Dan Quayle at a fundraising
event for The United Negro College Fund. He was
attempting to quote the line, "A mind is a terrible thing to
waste."

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TAKING CARE OF BUSINESS: OPERATIONS PLANS

All small business owners know they should have a business plan.
Many don't, but they know they should.

Equally important for any business, large or small, is having an
operations plan. Most small businesses do not have them and
don't even recognize that they need them. An operations plan
spells out in detail every step that goes into operating the business.

I was reminded of the importance of operations planning in a
recent conversation with my good friend Bonnie Barton. We
were discussing what makes businesses successful. The only
way a business can guarantee a consistent, high quality product
or service is to have the day-to-day operations spelled out in clear,
separate steps that everybody can understand. Each employee
needs to have her or his own operational steps spelled out. This
is crucial for two reasons. First, the plan serves as a checklist
to make sure every step is accomplished. Second, if an
employee is absent, someone else can more easily step in and
do the job.

Do you have an operations plan in place for your business? If not,
why not consider one? In today's competitive market can you
afford to be anything less than excellent?

Need help in creating an operations plan? My friend Bonnie
consults with small businesses in setting up their operational
systems. Bonnie is owner of The Chore Store, a one-call
resource for all home repair, maintenance, and renovations.
She can be contacted at 404-215-9811 or
[email protected].

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WORDS OF WISDOM

What I have learned in life�

I've learned-
that you should always leave loved ones
with loving words. It may be the last
time you see them.
I've learned-
that you can keep going
long after you can't.
I've learned-
that we are responsible for what we do,
no matter how we feel.
I've learned-
that either you control your attitude
or it controls you.

-Source Unknown

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RESOURCES

My friend, Billy Looper, is starting a really neat new business.
Classifeyeds.com is an Internet "Sunday Paper" that will place
a picture with your detailed advertisement onto the web. His goal
is to get 250 ads by March 24th (his 40th birthday); therefore, he
is offering his Internet buddies free ads until then. Please visit
www.classifeyeds.com to place your ad.

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SHAMELESS MARKETING

Great athletes have coaches. Great musicians have teachers.
Great leaders have advisors. Isn't YOUR life just as important?

For a complimentary introductory session to see if
coaching is for you, call me at 770-399-6619 or email
me at [email protected]. I am available for individual
and group coaching.

Who is Ann McAllister, Ph.D., you ask? Well, she
has been helping people achieve the lives they really,
really want for 26 years as a psychologist and more
recently as a Success Coach. She is a member of the
International Coach Federation and the Coach Training Program
of Coach University. Ann works with professionals, executives
and business owners to work less, accomplish more and still
have fun in the process. Ann considers herself a recovering
psychologist. When she is not "working," you can often find her
in a group of people with lots of binoculars and spotting scopes,
along the side of a country road, looking at an empty field or a
bunch of trees.

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