THE AGONY OF UNPLANNED POLYGYNY.
Copyright � 01/1/'97
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By Lee, an old servant.

To Steve., Ian/John. , Sam,  Chris and anyone else who might be
comforted with the comfort with which I have been comforted
(2Cor.1).

TABLE OF CONTENTS
I. HOW TO AVOID THE AGONY OF UNPLANNED POLYGYNY - P.1
II. THE AGONY OF UNPLANNED POLYGYNY
III. THE TURNING POINT, ACTING ON FAITH AND THE WORD
IV. HOW TO REDEEM UNPLANNED POLYGYNY (by C.W.)



I. HOW TO AVOID THE AGONY OF UNPLANNED POLYGYNY.
(C.Warren)
24 December 1996 Greetings in the Name of our Lord and Saviour Jesus
Christ!

The only useful imput that I think I can make here is a suggested
format for marriage that will preclude such problems recurring if those
seriously thinking of entering this principle will embrace them.

Most scriptorians know that the ancient Israelites practiced the Law
ofBetrothal in order to ensure that marriage began on a sound spiritual
footing. What few people realise, though, is that the Israelites had a
three-phase marriage system that has been preserved, to this day, by the
Samaritans, called DEDICATION, BETROTHAL and MARRIAGE.

Dedication was basically a COVENANT OF FRIENDSHIP between a
couple who expressed an interest in marriage. In some ways it is like
the secular world's concept of "Engagement" being both solemn as well
as dissolvable. Not until a proper friendship had been established based
(in the New Covenant of Jesus Christ) on a purely platonic
relationship-- without the passion of the heart and of the flesh -- were
the couple
ready for Betrothal. Betrothal was, and is, a legally binding covenantof
marriage without  ANY sort of sexual contact. This covenant could not
be broken. It's purpose was to let the affairs of the heart and of the spirit
blossom, thus enabling the Holy Spirit to enter the couple and truly
BIND them before the blinding and disorientating passions of the flesh
were realeased.

Not until this relationship was firmly and securely established was
FULL MARRIAGE permitted in which the couple could seal their
marriage in the flesh.
[A L. note here:  Mat. 1 shows us that at this level of covenant in the
relationship, the Spirit is already calling him her husband and calling
her his wife. Before God they are husband and wife even though the
marriage has not been consumated. This works for the young man
burning with testosterone rushes (1Cor.7:9) because now his passion
and desire is anchored in and focused on his woman.  Even though
they are not being intimate, his mind can give his body release by
desiring her and thinking intimate thoughts of her and have much
needed testosterone release in nocturnal emissions or in self
stimulation.  He can do this without guilt because she is his woman.
There is not lust, no desire for the forbidden, since it is not forbidden to
think of intimacy with your wife.  He is allowed to have his God-given
need for testosterone release met in the person of his wife, avoiding
the American dilemna and tragedy of the adolescent with all that
burning sexual energy who has no legitimate and God given outlet in a
wife.]

In reading your story it was clear from the very beginning that the root
of the problem was sexual in nature. It is, alas, the total condition of
our sinful society. In our spiritual fellowship (B'rit Chadashah) we
follow the time-honoured and proven Israelite custom and have
discovered great stability and spiritual depth. Any marriage built on a
sexual foundation, whether monogamous or otherwise, is going to
have problems
sooner or later especially when it comes up against the high ideals and
persistent demands of the commandments of Christ. We must turn to
the Spirit first, allow the mind and heart to be worked on BEFORE the
sexual passions are given their way.

The Law of Moses catered very much for a carnal, rebellious, fleshy
people, raised (much as we are today) on the "fleshpots of Egypt". Most
of the laws governing polygamy were enacted by the Lord to rescue
those who entered the marriage estate by the back door, viz. illiciy
sexual liason. Jesus elevated the Law of Moses onto a considerably
higher moral place, abolishing not only the shadows and types but also
those statutes given to cater for a carnal and sensual people. The whole
tone of the New Testament is to elevate spiritual consciousness to the
spiritual and away from the legalism of preventative adultery, leaving
the latter for the benefit of those trapped by their own descent into
temptation and
sin.

I would like, if I may, to contribute one spiritual insight that was
missed, I think, by those who contributed to your page. It concerns the
well-known passage where the Sadducees try to trap Jesus in a question
concerning the Law of the Levirate (Mt.2:23ff). You remember -- the
woman who had married several brothers and all who had died in
turn, none leaving her a child. The Sadducees asked: whose woman
would she be
in the resurrection? And the answer given has, I believe, been almost
universally misunderstood by Christians who use this as the sole
proof-text for the termination of marriage beyond the grave.

I would also like to remind you of Jesus' reply to a disciple who
requested that he break his mission tour with the Lord in order to bury
his dead father. Jesus replied: "Let the dead bury the dead"
(Mt.8:21-22). In other words, "Let the spiritually dead bury the
physically dead. You follow me." In this, and similar incidences, we see
that Jesus wished to elevate the spiritual consciousness of the people
to that required of the NEW Covenant of Christ -- to see beyond the
letter of the Law and into the Spirit which alone gives it life.

Now whom did Jesus answer concerning the Levirate question? They
were
the Sadducees, who believed in no after-life and no resurrection. So
what was Jesus saying to the Sadducees? Well first, He was talking to
the spiritually dead, not the spiritually alive!  . . . .

Do you suppose that what God has bound on earth by the Spirit He will
rip asunder in the resurrection? Does God break what He has joined
together? Will that sacred, intimate love between a couple who love
each
other in a way protected by marriage covenants suddenly vapourise in
the
resurrection? I find no Scriptural precedent to warrant such a
position>1. .

Why do I raise this subject here? Because once we have the vision that
marriage continues beyond the grave and into the eternities by virtue
of
the sealing work of Christ, then this will force us to radically
reappraise our whole attitude to marriage on earth. We will measure
our
marital actions not so much by the law and spirit of "full marriage"
(which the Law of Moses is mostly concerned with) but in the spirit of
"betrothal", which is surely the highest, since that is the (non-sexual)
marriage we shall enjoy in the Great Marriage Feast of the Lamb.

By looking upon our marriages as transcending the grave, we will be
far
more motivated here on earth to look at them with spiritual eyes. The
old Law is still needed as a net for those such as yourself who make
serious mistakes, to protect the rights of wives, and to honour the
righteousness of God. But with the New Covenant we must also realise
that the Law as a whole has been considerably elevated into something
far more glorious than the shadows that were before, and especially in
the realm of marriage, of whatever ilk.

It's worth thinking about, for the stability and prosperity of those
types of marriages which we know are to be the norm in the
millennium to
come (Isa.4), and which those who are preparing for it now, as
path-finders and example-setters, need to incorporate into their lives
sooner rather than later.

I really believe that if you surrender yourself totally to the mercy of
the Lord, standing firm to the Word and your headship in
righteousness,
sacrificing your own personal desires for the sake of those whom you
love, becoming (if necessary) completely celibate for prayer's sake for
a time (1 Cor.7:5 -- this is the best way to uncloud the mind and heart
of those noisy passions and allow the Spirit to speak) that you may
receive a special gift from the Lord. He always honours those who
honour
Him. But you must put no pre-conditions on Him, even if you believe
that
you are 100% scripturally right, remembering John Bunyan's testimony
in
"Pilgrim's Progress" that even lawful things can interfere in the
activity of the Spirit. And remember too the Abrahamic sacrifice.
Sometimes the most illogical and crazy can lead to wonderful things.
Be forgiven and comforted -- do not be overwhelmed by excessive
sorrow (2 Cor.2:7) -- stand the test and be obedient in everything (v.9)
-- for the Lord has directed your heart into His love and Christ's
perseverence (2 Thes.3:5, NIV). The grace of our Lord be with you.

II. THE AGONY OF UNPLANNED POLYGYNY
6/5/96
>Hi  L., OK, I used both email address' this time.   My (brand new) 2nd
wife is not yet living with us at this time, for various reasons (though
the commitment before God is final and unbreakable); I hope to have
her in our home by the end of this year.  (It's going to cause a big stink,
family and church, which really makes me mad, since they all claim to
believe the bible.)

>> N., are you sure you don't want to go the Romans 14:19-23 route
with you polygyny?  As I understand the Word there, with the  Word
to live at peace with all inasmuch as is possible within you, that our
controversial beliefs and their corresponding behavior should be a
private matter between you, God and the parites involved inasmuch as
is possible so that your liberty wont wound or destroy the faith of those
of a weaker faith.   You know the chapter in my divorce document
about having a "Loving Conscience" toward civil authority.  The way it
is working out for me is that my wife goes to her own churches Sunday
(fundamental, evangelical Methodist and Baptist), to her own
women's fellowship group sponsored by her churches and on special
occasions (Christmas, Easter etc) I go with her to special services.  I live
with her Friday night  through Sunday night.
I go to my own churches (a fundamental, evangelical Baptist and a
fundamental , charismatic, pentecostal church) Sundays and
Wednesday nights.  I stay at my own little prophets chamber Mon-
Thur and  see my "concubine-to-be" on those days, Saturday noon for
lunch and Sunday lunch after church.  The people of my wife's church
and the people of my concubine's church never mix or cross
fellowship.  My concubine was badly broken when her church
disbanded and is having reestablishing roots with another fellowship,
so she goes with me to my churches when she doesn't have to work.
Both my wife and my concubine have good fellowship and support
where they fellowship because they keep our polygyny a private matter.
Why try to force weak and nonthinking (1Thess 5:21) to accept
something that they will probably never have the courage or desire to
understand, besides accept.  I know that I'll probably never find a
preacher/ pastor  who will be able to publicly agree with what I believe.
I hope to find one someday who will at least privately (Romans 14:19-
23) agree with St Augustine's positions, and maybe even mine too.
My family knows about both but doesn't know that my concubine is
my concubine, thinking that we are just good friends.  I don't know if I
will ever give them a full understanding.
How do you plan to avoid violating the state's bigamy laws?  My
concubine-to-be are going to wed by witnessed contract (one from the
appendix of my divorce document).
``````````````````````````````````
> I have had a husband's authority (an unofficial binding of our hearts
and a spiritual authority, NOT a sexual situation) in her life for over a
year now, and God has made it clear this is what he wants for us.

>>Not meddling, but please share with me the process you went
through to come to believe that God wanted you to take a second wife.
Did your wife agree at first, later, ever? What level of acceptance does
she have?  Does she share your vision for a shared marriage and is she
as excited and eager about it as you?  How have you helped her adjust
to the idea?
`````````````````````````
>I only have one son by my 1st wife (I'm 34, both ladies are 31), at this
tim
e, I plan on 2-4 more!
>>By both or by one?  Is your second wife going to change her last
name?  How will you handle the naming of your second wife?
`````````````````````
>God has matured me so much over this last year, and caused me to
rely only on him, that I really don't expect to have a problem in my
home when both ladies are present.
>>That's the only way to fly.  If I've learned anything it is that my
marriage does only as well as I do well in private intercessory prayer
and Bible meditation and personal application.  Whenever I have cut
back on time in the Word or in prayer, my marriage (wife and
children) has suffered accordingly.  There is a real advantage for your
marriage/
family if you do the Daniel 10 fast once every several months and the
Esther's total fast every six months to a year--but it sure takes
cooperation on the part of the family for that total fast.
>> My Islamic email friend from Thailand, Rafiq the retired
professional, has two wives now.  He took the second younger one
without his older wife's consent or blessing.  Last I heard he was
maintaining them in separate buildings with the hope they would be
under one roof eventually.  To him, as a moslem, his discipline is to
make sure that he is always fair and equitable with both of them in
terms of time spent, money spent etc.  He made it pretty clear he
married the younger wife for sex, but was having a harder time helping
her adjust than helping his older wife adjust.  My other Islamic email
friend, Ismail the book publisher, has two wives and a number of
children and they live freely and joyfully under the same roof.  He lost
two of his wives in a gang attack in Thailand, they didn't approve of
his polygyny, raped and beat his wives and he had to fL.for his life.  His
hope is to go back and get them if they are still alive and well.
````````````````````````
>Your Divorce&Polygamy document was very interesting, I found
many goo
d Biblical arguments,though I wouldn't say I agreed with everything.
>>Glad to hear that.  Fellowship with a clone is rarely stimulating and
stretching.  A different perspective is challenging and stimulating.
``````````````````
>I wonder if you've ever been on the Web to the "God's Free Men"
site?
>>I've only found the Mormon and Islamic web site "Polygamy
Headquarters".  Thanks for the tip.
`````````````````````
>Your personal Who R. T. doc was interesting, though it doe
sn't mention Polygamy :-)  I'd be very interested in hearing some of
your story in this  area, too.
>>My polygyny journey led right to the divorce.remarriage document
you read.  I was interested in polygyny ever since I studied it as a
cultural anthropologist in college, and as a Christian I could find no
scripture that indicated it was unacceptable to God.  I didn't succeed at
my first marriage with one wife at the age of 26, so I sure wasn't ready
to consider marriage with more than one wife, although my first wife
and I talked about it a couple of times.   At 31, married to my second
wife ( B., whom I loved passionately and sincerely) and still in love
with my first wife who had remarried, I got tangled up in the Law of
Moses and thought that I had to marry this dear new lady, Sincere, who
had touched my life.   B. was actually willling to accept Sincere with the
provision that I would never make love with the Sincere in the same
house with her.  Sincere loved  B., deeply moved by her kind and
friendly acceptance, and opted out of the shared marriage because she
felt she couldn't put  B. under that kind of strain.
>>After 17 years of marriage, my dear "Christian"  B. said she had
enough of me and left me.  I was crushed and had a wierd
physical/mental reaction to her departure.  Soon after she left my
hormones kicked in and I was under fire (1 Cor. 7:5) and burning with
a bad failure rate (1 Cor. 7:9).
There was no way that  B. was coming back, yet she claimed sincerely to
be a genuine Christian who seemed to have opted for separation
(1Cor.7:10, 11) leaving us bound to each other as husband and wife for
life (1Cor.7:39).  Well that was fine for her because I knew she could
turn off sexually and cruise on without losing steam.  That was not fine
for me, who just steamed.
>>There I was, bound to  B. for life, so that if I divorced her to marry
another I'd be committing adultery (Mark 10:1-12).  But there I was
taking hit after hit (1Cor7:5) and burning in failure (1 Cor.7:9).  I knew
God's solution for this shot up and burning sitting duck was marriage
from those passages (1Cor.7:5,9), but how could I marry bound by God
to  B. for life?   So I began to dig in the Word, study, meditate, pray and
ask God for the wisdom He had promised.  Within a year I began to see
that polygyny was not only accepted by God, he legislated about it
through Moses, blessed most of His leaders of Israel who were
polygynist and actually told David that He had given multiple wives to
David as part of His blessing of David.
When I saw that the moral code had not changed since the Old
Testament, even though the punishments had, and that Jesus and the
apostles were keeping the OT Law throughout the gospels and the
apostles themselves kept the OT Law throughout the book of Acts (not
the gentile believers Acts 15) until theWord came in Ephes 2 and Colos
2 to stop keeping it----I knew that OT polygyny was accepted and blessed
by Jesus and the apostles.  That was all I needed.  I told  B. I was going to
divorce her on irreconcilable differences only becuase I needed to be
married.  I told her personally that I still believed I was maritally bound
to her and that I would be for life, and that the divorce was only a
formality to give us both what we wanted-her freedom of me and my
ability to remarry.  She consented and we breezed through a do it
yourself divorce.
>>I went in hot pursuit of a wife.  My third wife-concubine, by vows
exchanged privately before God in mutual prayer(I couldn't afford the
divorce and hadn't found a do-it-yourself kit yet),  married knowing
full well that I believed I was still maritally bound to  B., but believed
that  B. would never come back or want me again.   She broke off the
marriage over my daughters (she felt she had to choose between her
bigotted dad and my Black-White-Indian daughters, and so chose her
dad).
>> I was desperate, heart-broken and burning in failure.  I asked God to
pick my next wife and I believe He did (a great story) pick  R..  When
we were about to be engaged, after a lovely dinner out and in a moonlit
parking lot, I told her that there was one obstacle to us marrying.  I told
her I believed I was still maritally bound to both  B. and Dianne, that if
she married me and they came back to me in repentance asking me to
be husband to them that I would have to accept them back and be
husband to her and them to the best of my ability.  She thought about it
there in the moonlit parking lot for about five minutes (already
believing that God had personally told her that I was His choice for her)
as I silently waited and prayed.  She finally responded that she believed
that  B. would never want me back and that Dianne would never give
up her dad for my daughters, so she was perfectly safe marrying me and
would have me all to herself.  So we married and had a full blown and
passionately delightful engagement and first year of marriage.
>>Then her son came back as I had hoped, but she did not let me raise
him as I had hoped.  He had been homosexually abused, physically
abused, emotionally abused, was attention deficit disordered and was
dyslexic (sp).
He came back an unholy terror and terribly dirsupted our home, was
kicked out of each school after an average of 3 months, was in trouble
with the law and  R. refused tolet met parent and discipline him so I
was reduced to being her body guard--protecting her and my daughter
from him.  That was a poison pill.  I had already had grave reservations
about her as a Christian parent when I had seen her, driven by
persistent harrassment and great frustration, verbally revile her
controlling and manipulative daughter.  The reviling was so evil and
intense it seemed to come form the depths of Hell.   I lost all respect for
her as a mother.  When she began to bad mouth my daughter to me
(because in this nightmare home full of A. conflict she chose to stay in
her room most of the time to be out of harms way--and to stay out of
R.'s way because she had become all stressed and uptight and a shouter
since A.'s return) and say that perhaps she should live somewhere else
if our marriage was going to survive----I lost all respect for her as a
person and all my passionate and sexual desire for her died, reduced to
ashes by the winter of '91/'92.  I still was committed to being the best
husband I could be, committed to our vows, committed to living with
her according to the Word of God--but then I had to think of my
exwives to be able to keep an erection or have an orgasm with  R..  She
knew I was having a problem, but she knew I was an Abstract-
Sequential learner/ thinker so she knew I was highly distractable and
had difficulty concentrating so she said she didn't care who I thought
of, just so I could give her that erection and our orgasms.  I began to
pray that (1) God would heal my mind and enable me to climax with M
thinking of M alone, (2) If He didn't heal my mind, could He please
give me a Black concubine who would sexually enable me to climax
with M. while thinking of her.  I felt both were solutions acceptable to
God, since all sexual expression would be realized within the context of
marriage.
>>Four years later, as I was sinking in a deadly depression over our
marriage, the loss of a beloved friend, and our conflict about my career,
having been ill with bouts of bronchits and the flu for three months
and unable to work regularly----we had a critical conflict over her son
and my daughters---and she asked me to move out the day before our
fifth wedding anniversary (2/25).  I felt and believed the marriage was
over and went out looking for my next wife.  Within a week I met
Black and poor  P., single mother of three (2,10,13).  We hit it off from
the first and within a week I was telling her I wanted her to consider
marraige to me and our dating as courtship leading to marriage.  She
was open to it and agreed to consider the possiblity.  She said she knew
I was at a low point, hurting and needing someone to love and she
thought better her than someone esle who might not be as good to me.
>>Then  R. came back in a few weeks with the news that she hadn't
meant for me to move out permanently, that she hoped we would be
back together after I got back to work and got out of my depression.  She
didn't understand that my depression evaporated as soon as  P. said she
would consider marriage to me, thinking that  R. and I would get a
divorce and we would get married.  But here was  R. (for whom I had
no passion or desire for four years) saying she was counting on us
getting back together again because she realized that she had never felt
so loved by anyone as by me, she had never had such a great sex life as
we had, and she had never had such explosively intense orgasms in
her life as she had by me.
When I realized that  R. wanted us to reconcile, I asked  P. if she was
ready to maritally commit to me, and she said she wasn't yet.  Then I
asked her what commitments/promimses she would want from me
even if  R. and I reconciled.  She told me and I made those
commitments to her.
>>Here was R. believing he was bound by God to  R. for life and intent
on keeping his vows and God's Word with reference to  R.----and R.
head over heals in passionate and romantic love with  P..  When  R.
and I got together on weekends after her announcement, she said that I
hadn't had such great orgasms with her in years but she didn't know I
was thinking of  P. when I climaxed, yet.  When I told her I had chosen
to fall in love with  P. and loved her dearly, that I had made some
solemn promises to  P. that would involve me with her even after we
reconciled, she accepted the news and my solemn promises reluctantly.
Her hope is that  P. will find someone else and drop out of the picture.
P. is seriously thinking about maritally committing to me and
becoming my concubine.  If I get the job for which I have an interview
Friday (6/28)
I would move to the job in Imperial County, get a three bedroom
apartment for  P., kids and I.  I would live with  P. Mon-Friday am and
live with  R. in San Diego County Friday night through Sunday
afternoon.
R. is excited about this job opportunity because it would solve our
financial crisis and since she can't give up her excellent career position,
she is ready and willing for me to live there and be with her only on
the weekends.
She doesn't know that  P. and I considering maritally commiting and
living together.  I want to wait until I see if I get the great job.  If I get
the job, I would have to let  R. know by 9/96 because  P. and I would
probably commit and start living together in Imperial County so her
kids could start school there.  If I don't get the job, it might take  P.
more time to decide.  The fathers of her children never would marry
her and she had to put each of them out because, after months of
marrriage, they wouldn't continue working and stopped helping
support the family, but started beating and abusing her.  So she wants
to see what kind of worker, bread winner and provider I am before she
makes the marital commitment.   If and when we maritally commit,
she is willing to be my "concubine" and share me with  R..
>>So why am I not asking for  R.'s approval and blessing of my hoped
for marital commitment with  P.? The reasons are physical, emotional
and spiritual.  Physically I have to have an orgasm 2 or 3 times a week
at least or else my prostrate gets so congested I cannot urinate
normally--and the next  step is prostititis.  I can't have an orgasm
unless I'm thinking of someone I love and desire---result of years of
mind control trying to stay a sexually chaste.  I need  P. for my sexual
health, to have my orgasms; and for my emotional health, a safe and
tender haven for my heart.   R. seems unable to give me the unselfish
and unconditional cherishing my soul yearns for.  She has not been a
safe and tender haven for my heart for years because of her temper and
verbal outbursts.  Without her and just with  R. means I cannot come
to orgasm with  R. and I have to rely on pictures to have the orgasms I
need---a grossly inadequate solution and not desired by me or  R..  If I
couldnot have orgasms with her she would feel a failure as a
woman/wife and the marriage would go into crisis.
>>Until God intervenes miraculously, the only way I can give  R. the
sex life she wants and longs for is if I have  P. and can think of her.
That is how I am going to present the situation to her and leave it to
her to work out with God.  If  R. dumps me because of  P., that will be
her decision, because neither  P. nor I want my marriage to  R. to fail.
In fact, when  P. learned that  R. wanted us to reconcile, she told me
later that she would have broken off our relationship if I even
considered dumping  R. for her.  She said she would have no part in
encouraging or causing me to leave  R., and she couldn't respect me if I
dumped  R. for her.  For my part, I have no intention of breaking my
promises to  R. or Paula.
>>We are seeing a great Christian PhD counselor, and he has stated
that it will take a miracle for  R. and I to save our marriage.  Without
God's miraculous intervention, he feels it would take years for me to
regain respect for  R. and for me to feel safe enough with  R. again to
drop all my mental and emotional defenses and have normal feelings
of passion and desire for her.  He said right up front that the only way
the marriage can be saved is if her son and my daughters don't ever
live with us again.  The Psychiatrist I am seeing to try to reprogram my
head to help me find respect and feelings of desire and passion for  R.,
tentatively said that I could never regain it for  R. without dropping  P.-
--but he is still weighing all the factors for his final recommendation.
He has not yet determined a way to rekindle the respect, passion and
desire for  R..  I would not drop  P. at his recommendation but I would
try some techniques to regain passion and desire for  R..  It is too late to
drop P.  The promises and commitments have been made.  And so I
stand at the door of actual and practical polygyny (6/5/96).

From R to S:  During a time of prayer and fasting just
before Thanksgiving (11/96), the Lord used old photos to
open my eyes and my heart so that I could see how
sweet and beautiful my wife was and is, what a
precious companion and great friend she has been,
what a precious soul she has and how that precious
soul was damaged by alcoholic and verbally
abusive parents and by a verbally abusive husband
who desserted her with two small children.
I saw how I had allowed bitterness, resentment and
anger to alienate my wife and I.  I saw how I had
withdrawn from her emotionally because of all the
verbal conflict and her threats and my belief that
the marriage was doomed.  I fell in love with my
wife again, but this time it was easier for me to
believe that she really loves me because of her
explanations as we have discussed the events that
led to our separation.  I still don't have the passion back
for her, but I know that I have moved from 1 Cor.
13 love for her, to the affectionate love of phileo---I
really like her now and greatly esteem her as my
dear and devoted friend and companion.  We have
agreed to psychiatric and godly psychological
counseling to help us see how and where we are
damaged and why, with hope of deliverance and
healing so that we can have the complete trinity of love,
agap�, phileo and eros love in our marriage and for
each other.  We have put everything, everyone and
every relationship on the altar for His will to be
done.  I just hope it is possible to save the marriage
and our relationship.  We have not overcome the
problems of the promises I made to P or the concubine
covenant/commitment I made with P and that could
prevent reconciliation.

Back to your emailed response: Contrary to both the
spirit and the letter of 1 Cor. 7:5 we had not agreed
to the separation, it was not for prayer and fasting,
we had not agreed on a return date, and I believed
our sexual intimacy was terminated (five or six
weeks  later -after my promises to PD - I found out
that she had not terminated her availability for
sexual intimacy).   I left as she ordered and
assumed that the marriage was over because of the
unilateral nature of her actions (rejecting totally my
headship in the marriage) which, as far as I was
concerned, violated and broke or wedding
covenants.  Because of our irreconcilable differences (her
rejection of my spiritual leadership in the home, my
career/work goals and prospects, of my child
rearing standards and practices,  of my vain
attempts to bring the family under a working budget,
of my churches, of my mother and daughters etc.) I
believed there was no hope for the marriage.  The counseling
we had up till then hadn't enabled us to resolve the
issues well enough for us to continue together.
Thinking the marriage was over finally, as ordered
I left  asking God to provide me with a wife since I
felt I had just lost mine and I knew I needed to
have a wife in order to avoid fornication (1Cor7:1-5).


FROM S :  Lee, I have a problem with this. Here
the marriage you had was in a shambles
- why would you be asking for another wife when
you hadn't yet sorted out the problems with the
marriage you already had?

FROM R:  I thought I had sorted out the problems to
the best of my ability.  For three years I had
struggled with my inability to maintain and
erection or come to orgasm with her (with spiritual
and secular means).  She refused to attend my
churches with me and I could not stay awake in her
churches.  I firmly believed she would not give me
any peace if I took a teaching job with a Christian
school, as I desired, or if I accepted any job paying
less than 20K a year.  I knew I was in a deep
depression because I believed that when she saw
that I couldn't get the job she expected me to get,
she would turn on me and end the marriage (my
second wife left me because I didn't earn enough--
she was tired of being poor).  She had consistently
refused most of my advice and suggestions for
raising her children, most of which advice was confirmed
by the social workers, school counselors and
psychiatrists.  She refused to bring our spending
under a unified budget even when I warned her we
were spending $500 a month more than we earned,
even with me making $1500 a month.  She felt she
should have the final word in financial matters and
in matters of the house since she made twice as
much as I made.  She gave me a bad time about my
daughters and the time I spent with them.  I had
sorted out these problems to the best of my ability,
seeking God's and man's solutions.

>>>>   S  SAID: Did you understand yet how you
had contributed to the break-up of your first
marriage? How could you even think you were
ready to enter into another union until you took
sufficient time to settle up the issues of the first
one? To me, this seems neither wise
nor shows real seriousness toward the marriage
you were already in.

>>   R: I had seen Christian and secular counselors and
I thought I had an understanding of my
contribution to the break-up of the marriage.  I felt
I had made every good faith effort possible to
settle up the issues of the first marriage, only to see
them all fail or be rejected.  For three long and
agonizing years I had tried every resource available
to me, both spiritual and secular, all to no
avail.  I believe I showed real seriousness about the
marriage, except that I failed to fast and pray
for the marriage--- a major mistake.  Seriousness
was there, but perhaps not wisdom.

>>>>   S : As to finding another woman - this is no
evidence that she was an answer to prayer. There
are always women available - and remember, Satan
hears our prayers too. One of his most effective
weapons against us is for him to offer us something
we desire or have prayed for wRgly. Then when
we receive the 'gift' we are deceived into thinking
it's from God. Through this ploy Satan can soon
have one defending Satan's plan as '"God's will" ! What a
destructive deception that is!

>>   R: You are right, it is no evidence that she was an
answer to prayer that she was there and
available when I met her AFTER my wife had
kicked me out.  It could be either way, God's
provision or Satan's deception.  Only time will tell.  He has
blessed me more than ever in almost every way
since I became involved with PD.  I had little
trouble finding temporary work and right after I
made my promises to PD I applied for the job that I now
have .  Shortly after I accepted PD as my concubine
they made the decision to hire me paying me more
than I have ever earned, using me to spiritually
challenge and minister to prisoners and staff as
never before.  He has granted unparalleled favor
and  acceptance on the part of my supervisors and I am
having fewer problems with the prisoners than any
other new staff and most of the old staff, especially
those with whom I work directly.  My health has
never been this good for so long.  My relations with
my mother (manic-depressive) and my adult
daughters has never been better.  Even the car runs
(2000 m. p. month) miraculously since I accepted
PD as concubine, even with major circuits dead or
shorted out.
The ABSENCE OF  CHASTENING of me alone is
confirmation to me that she is an answer to prayer
or that I am totally unsaved and spiritually dead, an
instrument of the Devil and/or his cohorts.  My
wife who dislikes children, my daughters, my churches, my
poor and low-class saints, and my mother was
followed by my concubine who loves children, my
daughters, my churches, my poor and low-class
saints and my manic-depressive mother.   My wife
wants me alone and all to herself, perhaps even to
the exclusion of my church people, my daughters,
my mother and PD.  My concubine has often
sacrificed our time together so that I can be with
my wife,  willingly  sharing me with my
wife (encouraging me to do right to my wife),
feeling great affection for my mother and my
daughters (insisting that I regularly contact my
mother) and enjoying my churches.

>>   R : My wedding "covenant" is as follows:
       "R, do you accept M to be your wife?
       "Do you commit yourself to be *faithful to her,
in all virtue and honor, in all duty and service,
in all *faithfulness and tenderness, to live with her
and compassionately cherish her according to
the Word of God, in the holy bond of marriage?
       "Do you leave your parents and loyally bond
with her to be one in marriage submitting to each
other in reverence to God?
       "Do you R, desire with all your heart to live
wisely with M; respectfully,
compassionately and sacrificially cherishing her,
feeding her the Word, taking care of her and
leading her by your example?
       "I, R, make a covenant with you, M, this day.  I
take you as my wedded wife before God
and these witnesses; to faithfully cherish you as my
wife, to love you and honor you in plenty and in
want, in joy and in sorrow, in sickness and in
health, all the days of my life."
*"faithful" & "faithfulness" I understand to mean
that I will not leave her (1Cor7:10,11), I will
not divorce/leave her to marry another (Mark 10),
and I will keep my promises to her.

These are the things I knowingly and deliberately
promised to PD before God and before I knew for
sure that R hadn't ended the marriage and wanted us to
reconcile and eventually get back together:
1. 10% of my net income.
2. Take her and/or  her kids to church Sunday
morning and Wednesday night if they wanted to go.
3. Take her and her kids to the budget movie either
Monday or Tuesday if they wanted to go.
4. If I can, help her with transpo Mon. and Tuesday.
5. If she has no ride home Saturday night after
work and she needs one (she has the kids, her back
hurts, the weather is bad etc.), then I give her one
and get her a drink on the way home.

To the best of my knowledge, reasoning ability and
understanding of scripture, my promises to PD
do not violate any of my wedding covenants made
with M.

>>>>   S : Here is what you asked:
I HAD BETTER NOT BREAK THOSE PROMISES TO PD
IF I KNOW WHAT IS GOOD FOR ME.
 IF YOU KNOW OF ANY SCRIPTURE THAT SAYS I
AM FREE OF THOSE PROMISES, OR THAT
WHAT I PROMISED IS SIN, THEN PLEASE SHARE
THEM WITH ME.

Here is my answer:
Before ever you promised anything to PD you
entered into a covenant with your wife in these
words:
"Do you, R, desire with all your heart to live wisely
with her; respectfully, compassionately and
sacrificially cherishing her, feeding her the Word,
taking care of her and leading her by your
example?
       "I, R, make a covenant with you this day.  I
take you, M, as my wedded wife before God
and these witnesses; to faithfully cherish you as my
wife, to love you and honor you in plenty and in
want, in joy and in sorrow, in sickness and in
health, all the days of my life."
My question to you would be,  not have you kept
your promises toward PD - but have you kept your
covenant with your first wife?

>>   R: Up to two months before she kicked me out she
had told me repeatedly that she had never felt so
loved, been so loved, felt so free, had such great sex
or felt she had such a best friend as she had
been loved, freed, sexed and befriended by me.
Her own mouth testified that, to the best of my
ability in the Lord, I was living wisely with her,
cherishing her, finding and leading her to
spiritually enriching people/places/things, trying to
lead spiritually, honoring her through it all.
My major failing was not fasting and praying for us
and our marriage.

>>>>   S :Do you think praying for a new wife
while your present marriage was in a shambles and
entering into a new relationship through fornication
was "cherishing" "loving" and "honoring" your
first wife "in plenty and in want, in joy and in
sorrow, in sickness and in health, all the days of
(your) life"...?
Rather than "compassionately and sacrificially
cherishing" your first wife were you not simply
more concerned with getting your own needs met?
In your own words you entered into your
relationship with PD through "sin" -not through an
act of obedience to God's will in your life. While
having more than one wife is not in itself a sin this
relationship started out as sin -making
everything built upon that sinful start sin also -
including the covenants and promises arising
therefrom.

>>   R: In three years of seeking spiritual and secular
solutions I had found none and felt that perhaps a
concubine would be an acceptable way to keep my
wife happy sexually and allow me to be having my
own wife/concubine to help me with my 1 Cor.5&9
needs.  Both God and I were and are concerned
about getting my "own needs met".  You know the verses:
" let your requests be made known to God. . .
Delight yourself also in the Lord and He shall give you the
desires of your heart. . .my God shall supply all
your need . . . "
This relationship was not entered into in sin, nor
were the promises.  I entered into the relationship
moved with compassion for an inarticulate, semi-
literate, struggling, poverty stricken, carless, Black
single Christian mother of three young children
squeezed into a roach infested one bedroom
apartment in a gang ridden neighborhood.  There is no child
support coming from the fathers of the children
who each left her after they broke their promises to
marry her and sorely beat her.   Her job pays less
than minimum wage.  I entered into the relationship, as
Boaz for Ruth, seeking to help her, assist her,
provide for her and seek her well being.  According
to 2 Cor. 8&9 my plenty supplied her lack, seeing
my sister in need I opened the bowels of my
compassion (1Jn.3:16) and materially provided for
her to the best of my ability. The one sinful act--a week
into the relationship, thirty minutes +/- out of
thirty plus days preceding the promises, was totally
unsolicited by me and spontaneous by her as the
only way she felt she could adequately show her
gratitude for my generosity and help to her and her
family in a time of real crisis for them.  To a
passerby at both events her behavior would appear
a little more scandalous than when Ruth laid at Boaz's
sleeping feet on the threshing floor, something good
single Jewish girls just didn't do.   The fornication
was immediately repented of and forsaken, not
repeated.  Weeks later in an ongoing chaste
relationship I made the promises to her.

This is the situation as I see and saw it. This is from
my DIVORCE & POLYGAMY.
Then there is the saved couple, Sam and Sophia.
He marries Sophia, both genuinely saved and free
to marry in the Lord, and they vowed/ covenanted  to
be husband and wife to each other, pledging their
troth in all honor, love, duty, service, faith and
tenderness, to cherish and live with each other
according to the ordinance of God,  honoring and
keeping each other in the holy bond of marriage.
Before God and other witnesses they promised and
covenanted to be each others comforting, loving and
faithful mate; in plenty and in lack, in joy and grief; in
infirmity and health; as long as they both live.

Then Sam hears from Sophia's mouth that the law
of kindness and wisdom do not rule her tongue.  In
fact he hears the carnal, fleshly, diabolical, spirit-killing
words that come flooding out of Sophia's
mouth during intense outbursts of rage, wrath and
frustration.  Then she sins by threatening him with
the end of the marriage if he didn't do what she
wanted him to do.  Sam didn't plan it, expect it
or desire it but the grief felt, the offense taken, the
disappointment felt, and the apprehension induced
iced his passions for her and he no longer felt any
passion for her.

He is unable to have an erection with her unless she
physically induces it and he can't keep it up
without her direct stimulation.  He is unable to have
an orgasm with her no matter what she does or
how hard he tries.   Because he has no effective sexual
fulfillment or release with Sophia, he comes under
the tormenting temptations predicted in 1 Cor. 7:5
& 9  even though he is married and intimate with
Sophia.  Sam knows that if he doesn't clear his
prostrate he will have prostrate congestion in a
week.   If he doesn't clear the prostrate, he knows his
prostrate congestion will become prostititis which
will require an antibiotic, and cause him to have to
urinate frequently  since the prostrate is squeezing
the urethra (causing him problems at work and at
night).  He knows that recurrent prostititis and
prostrate congestion usually leads to prostrate
cancer, besides making it very difficult to work
since urination is necessary hourly.

He knows he has no nocturnal emissions, that he
must be faithful sexually, that if he tries to self-
induce an orgasm he will have serious spiritual
problems with  what he is thinking while
doing it, that he can't afford to have the doctor
massage out the prostrate's fluids and he can't bear
to ask Sophia to stick her finger up his rectal sphincter to
massage out his prostrate  several times a
week.  When he tries to self stimulate to orgasm
Sophia resents it, feeling cheated.  Then he finds
that if he thinks of his ex-wives he can usually come to
orgasm while making love with Sophia. Sophia says
she doesn't care who he thinks of just so he has an
orgasm with her while making love .  But then he
finds that about half of the time he can't even come
to orgasm with her thinking of his ex-wives
because the memories often are too painful and kill his
passion so that he cannot have an orgasm with
Sophia.

Unable to have the orgasm he needs to clear his
prostrate, his testosteRe blood level climbs and as it
climbs the burning and tormenting temptations
(1Cor.7:5,9) flood his mind and drive him to
tormented distraction.   Satan is using his high
testosterone blood levels to tempt him and distract
him from Godly things and life's business at hand.
Sophia is periodically tormented with thoughts of
inadequacy and failure when she is unable to bring
him to climax.    Sam finds that even though he is
married he is experiencing all the temptations and
prostrate problems he experienced as a single man.
He goes forward for prayer, for the laying on of hands,
for the anointing of oil by the elders and for the
counsel of godly counselors.  Nothing happens.  Still
there is no passion for Sophia and no orgasm with
Sophia.  He grieves for her because he feels her
frustration and he is deeply concerned about his
own frustration, burning and prostrate congestion.

 Sophia and Sam have a bitter disagreement and
she tells him he must move out an live elsewhere.
Sam thinks the marriage is over by this gross violation
of the wedding covenant.  Now he believes he has
no wife at all to help him put out the flames of his
testosteRe passion.  Then he meets Serena and
within weeks begins to talk of marriage with her,
even though it would have to be polygyny because
he believed he was still bound by the Lord to Sophia.
After a while he makes solemn and binding promises
to Serena.

Sophia then tells Sam she wanted it to be a
temporary separation, that the marriage was still
on in her mind and they start having sex again.  Sam finds
that he can easily have an orgasm with
Sophia by remembering affectionate (non sinful)
memories of Serena.  Sophia is not happy with
Sam's promises to Serena but she is happy with the
orgasms she and Sam have together.  Serena is
happy that Sam is keeping his promises to her and
that she is helping Sam have orgasms with Sophia.

After months of counseling and reconciliation
efforts apparently fail and seem fruitless, finding
himself seriously tempted to think improper
thoughts of Serena, burning with testosteRe desire
for women in general and sensing that failure to
control himself/his thoughts (1Cor.7:5,9)
is imminent, he submits to God's plan for controlling
passionate burning , marriage (1Cor.7:5,9, 36),
taking   saved Serena as his unofficial concubine,
not legal wife (since it is illegal
to have two wives).  Serena accepts him even
though he and Serena both know that he is still
bound before the Lord to Sophia as husband.

For him to reject, repudiate and forsake his marital
bond to Sophia in order to be marital with Serena
would make him an adulterer and his marriage to
Serena, adultery>R.  215 .  Acknowledging his
marital bond with both Sophia and Serena he
becomes a polygynist, not an adulterer.    If Sophia
doesn't want to be married to an active polygynist,
she can sin by leaving him and repent by remaining
chastely single as long as he lives (1Cor.7:10,11).  If
Sophia chooses to remain married to Sam, then in
thought, word and deed he must love each
according to his covenants to the best of his God
given ability.>R.  124 .  If Sophia chooses to remain
married to Sam, then Sam can give her the orgasm
she wants by thinking of Serena when climaxing with
Sophia and their marital crisis is past.
[Footnote: >R.  214  1 Cor. 7:11,39.       >R.  215 (Mark
10:11,12; Luke 16:18).     >R.  124  Psalm 15 Swears to
his own hurt and changes not. . . . .Eccles. 5  Rom.
1:31,32]

What kind of sister would be concubine to such a
brother?  Perhaps one who saw his need>R.  92  and
was moved with compassion and,  having what he
needs she lays down her life for him to minister as
wife-concubine to him>R.  93  .  Perhaps she feels
called to be his good Samaritan concubine in his
wounded and neglected need on his marital Jericho
road.  She would have to be of one mind and one
faith with him to be his concubine privately and
discreetly so as not to offend the Body of Christ
(Rom. 14).  They would have to agree to deny
themselves the free and open exercise of 1 Cor. 7:2-5).
They would have to exercise those rights and needs
within the limitations of privacy and discretion
before God and the Body of Christ>R.  94  .  Wouldn't
they have to agree not to lie or deceive while on the
other hand they would have to agree to obey Rom.
14:28ff in not breaking their commitment to privacy
and discretion, even if they have to say nothing when
asked?  Wouldn't it be a marriage fraught with self denial,
self sacrifice and self control?  Why would any normal
woman want it?
[Footnote: >R.  92    (1 Cor. 7:2-5).       >R.  93   (1 J.
3:14-18).    >R.  94    (Rom14:28-).]

Anyone who did this would have to selflessly and
unselfishly seek the protection and well being even
of his hard and angry wife.  He would have to do
everything possible to make sure that any
concubine he would have would not bring harmful
sexually transmitted diseases (including HIV) into
the germ pool of their polygyny .  That would mean
genital cultures, blood tests and abstaining from
marital intimacy/commitment and waiting several
months for repeated tests since HIV might not show up for
several months. Since STD�s, including HIV, can be
transmitted by bloody saliva in kissing, wouldn't
they have to abstain even from kissing  until all
tests came back okay?  [END OF QUOTE FROM
DIVORCE & POLYGAMY]

>>>>   S : This [situation of yours] is similar to
the situation that arose in Ezra's day. The Israelite
remnant that returned from Babylon to Israel were
under a pre-existing covenant (in this case with
God) that required them not to marry the pagan
population of the land. Nevertheless, they entered
into such marriages on a wide scale. When Ezra heard of
this he was greatly grieved. He humbled himself
before God and prayed, ". . . . . Shall we again break
your commands and intermarry with the peoples
who commit such detestable practices? Would you
not be angry enough with us to destroy us, leaving
us no remnant or survivor?  O LORD, God of Israel, you
are righteous! We are left this day as a  remnant.
Here we are before you in our guilt, though because
of it not one of us can stand in your presence."
              While Ezra was praying and confessing,
weeping and throwing himself down before the
house of God, a large crowd of Israelites--men, women
and children--gathered around him. They too wept
bitterly.
              And Shecaniah, the son of Jehiel . . .
answered and said unto Ezra . . . Now let us make a
covenant before our God to send away all these
women and their children, in accordance with the
counsel of my lord and of those who fear the commands
of our God. Let it be done according to the Law. ..."
Ezra 9:10-10:4 NIV
Thus God's people realized that they broke the pre-
existing covenant with God through entering into
covenant with foreign wives. They did not tell God:
"It's too late now for us to turn back - because we
must honor our marriage covenant with these
foreign wives." Instead they acknowledged that
thoseunions were sin in the first place and they
repented of that sin by annulling those marriages
that never were in the will of God. Were those sinful
men hurt in having to give up beloved wives and
children? Were the women and children that were
sent away hurt? Most certainly! Was that God's
fault - or was it the sin of those who had entered
into those marriages through sin in the first place?

>>   R: Let's take a closer look at the Ezra 9 & 10 event,
comparing it the Gibeonite thing (Joshua 9 &
10, 2 Samuel 21,David, Saul) and the Babylon thing
(Ezek 17:11-15).
FIRST: In Ezra 9 the messengers (the
princes/leaders) are apparently not sent by God to
Ezra, and are not authorized directly by God.
In Joshua 9 and 2 Sam. 21 either God's chosen
leader is the messenger or God speaks directly to
God's designated leader about the situation.
In Ezekiel 17 the messenger is God's designated
prophet and he speaks God's words to the king.

SECOND: The Ezra 9 messengers misquote God's
Word, condemning marriage with Egyptians
(SeeExodus 23; 34 and Deut. 7).  God put a curse
on messengers who claimed to speak for God.
Like Satan these princes misquoted scripture,
reflecting their own biases.  Most legalists go beyond
scripture (Matt.23:1-7; Mark 7:1-10).In Joshua 9,
2 Sam. 21 and Ezekiel 17, God's word and will are
correctly presented to the sinners by
his designated leaders and spokesmen.

THIRD: The repentance proposed by Ezra's
Shecahniah has no precedent or basis in scripture,
i.e. putting away unsaved wives.  When God personally
rebuked Solomon for marrying unsaved aliens, He
did not tell him to divorce or put them away (1King
11).  When godly Nehemiah encountered the
Israelites who married unsaved aliens, he
contended with them, cursed them, struck them,
pulled out their hair, drove them away, and made
them swear, HE DID NOT MAKE THEM PUT AWAY
THOSE WIVES (Neh. 13).  When God commanded the
Israelites not to marry the Canaanites (See Ex. 23;
Ex 34; Deut. 7), He told them what would happen to
them but He never commanded them to put them away.
Even in Malachi 2 those who married Canaanites
were to be cut off from the people and temple but
were never told to put their wives away.  And the
final word from God's own Spirit and designated
messenger was given in 1 Corinth. 7:12-15 where
the putting away of the unsaved is forbidden unless
they have abandoned the believer.    The Bible is full
of well meaning Israelites who did something for God
that God never authorized nor willed (e.g. Saul and
his bleeting sheep and the guy who tried to help the
ark of the covenant etc.)

FOURTH: God punished the breaking of covenants
sincerely made in good faith when those covenants
were made with forbidden people, the ungodly,
deceivers and tyrants (Joshua 9, 2 Sam.21, Ezek. 17).
God wants His people to keep their word, even if it is to
their own hurt (Psa 15; Eccles 5; Rom. 1:31,32).
Ezra 9 & 10 neither have the seal of God nor the
mandate from God for putting away unsaved wives
or breaking solemnly made sincere and good faith
covenants.  I believe Ezra meant well but He failed
to inquire of the Lord before he acted, just like Joshua
in Josh. 9.  So Ezra 9 becomes one more example of
Matt. 23:1-12.

>>>>   S : I see you in a similar situation as in Ezra
above. You entered into a union with PD through
sin - breaking your covenant with both God and
your first wife. In this you sinned against everyone
involved - God - your wife - PD - her kids - and
yourself. I don't say any of this as condemnation;
but simply as a statement of the facts as I see them.

>>   R: As stated above, I entered into my relationship
with PD according to 1 J.  3:16,17 with 2 Cor.
8 & 9.  The sin against God and my wife followed
days later, lasted minutes and was immediately
repented of and forsaken, not repeated.

>>>>   S : There is no way to fully repent of this
without withdrawing fully from this sin - which
must mean annulling this union with PD which was
entered into outside of the will of God and in
violation of your covenant with your wife to honor
and cherish her.

>>   R: 2 Cor. 7, godly sorrow and repentance were
implemented and we quit the sin and cleared
ourselves of it, as the Word instructs.    Neither Ezra
9 nor any other scripture says that it is a sin to
take a wife/concubine, especially when you
understand that you essentially have no wife (by
the breaking of the union and covenants) and are
burning from the temptations promised in 1 Cor.
7:5, resulting in God's solution and command, i.e. to
marry (1 Cor. 7:5,9,36).  God never forbade
marriage to PD (a single Christian sister) as He forbade
marriage to unbelieving aliens and believers living
in sin.  He never declared any of the patriarchs to be
sinners when they took another wife/concubine.
When David's Michal was disobedient and
rebellious, breaking her marital covenants with
him, God did not fault him for taking more wives/
concubines.  I believe you have no scripture for
your point.

>>>>   S :  Your first wife is right - your first
marriage will not survive if you continue to
adulterate it with this other relationship that was
entered into outside of the will of God. You may not
realize it, but you are seeking to use God's word to
justify continuation of a course of action entered
into through self-will rather than in obedience to the
will of God. No matter how much your heart wants
this to be God's will wishing will never make it so. It
began as sin - so sin is what it is.

>>   R: The marriage with M was the Titanic headed
for its iceberg (turning in her son) even before I
knew PD.  All the counsel, classes, seminars
and brethren had not saved it.  The sexual crisis
was building and the iceberg was inevitable
(perhaps prayer and fasting could have made the
difference--great hind sight).   I don't believe the
relationship with PD was entered into outside the
will of God.  Now that you know more of the details,
where was the sin?  Which scripture was violated?
I made very careful that all the promises I made
with PD would not violate my wedding covenant
with my wife----designed them specifically so that my
wife could stand by my side and join me in keeping
them for PD.  There was no valid reason for my
wife to not join me in keeping those promises I
made to PD, promises that involved no sex, no sin, no
transgression of any scripture.

>>>>   S : I know that this will hurt both you and
PD a lot. But only more hurt can come if you fail to
make a clean break and a blessed new start. If you
fail to make things right toward your first marriage
don't expect to see God's blessing on your life.

>>   R: Yes.  It grieves PD and I very much that my
wife is so grieved.  I never meant to hurt her and
thought she really didn't care, that the relationship
and conflicts were unresolvable given the  parties
involved.   PD did her best not to get involved with
me until she was very sure that there was no
chance of reconciliation with my wife.  She told me
she would have broken off our relationship if I were to
divorce my wife to be with her, PD.  Only after I
assured her that there was no hope for the
marriage did she allow herself to begin to love me
and eventually become my concubine.  She is deeply
grieved by my wife's grief and became my concubine
only after I solemnly assured her that there was no
hope for the marriage.    GOD'S BLESSING?  I have been
more blessed economically, spiritually, and socially
since I made the promises to PD and she became
my concubine than in the preceding ten years.  My
career is at its highest point in my life, my adult
children are blessed and bless me, my contrary
mother is pleasant and agreeable etc. etc.  I agree
that a very critical part of receiving God's blessing
is how I have diligently continued to seek to honor
my wife and our marriage covenant through this
crisis, that I have not put her away to take another in
adultery.

>>>>   S : You are in no position to be blessed with
a second wife until you have really learned how to
cherish and honor the first.

>>   R:  I agree 100%, that is why I am carefully
cherishing and honoring both PD and my wife.  I
love them both dearly, wish they could be sweet sisters
in the Lord, and seek the unity of the Spirit in the
bond of Peace that only Jesus can give to we his
children. (Psa. 133; Eph. 4)

>>>>   S : Please be assured that I am writing these
things out of concern for you as God's own and not
as judgmental condemnation.

>>   R: I know that brother and thank God for His great
work in you and your life.  I am blessed by you
ministry as it causes me to examine myself and run
to the Lord for His Word.

>>>>   S : Please allow God to break your heart.

>>   R: I have had such a broken, grieving, sad and
depressed time this last month or more as I have
seen my wife struggling to save our marriage, as we
both have gone before the Lord offering Him the
broken pieces of our marriage to see if He can put
our Humptey Dumptey marriage back together
where so many have failed for so long.  We are blessed
with the best counseling we have had in years, and
a deepened awareness of our own damaged selves
and faulty communication that led to my expulsion
and my journey in the wilderness.  Everything is on the
altar, presented together and almost daily, our
marriage, my relationship with PD, my promises to
PD,  our lives.  We come before our Father as his
little children asking Him to father us.  We come
before our faithful Shepherd as dumb sheep not
knowing which way to turn but trusting Him
completely to put us where He wants us with whom
He wants us.  We come before Him as humble servants
who don't know the details of  our Lord's will, nor
His specific will for us at this time, trusting Him to
instruct us as His servants, telling us what we
need to know to serve and please Him.  My wife
says that now she has peace about me keeping my
promises to PD, since they are non-sexual and not
sinful, but she still can't accept PD as my concubine.
She doesn't want to share me.  I can't blame her.
Her reaction is perfectly normal.  I still believe that
I am bound the promises and our covenant when I
accepted her as my concubine.

>>>>   S : In fear and trembling before the Lord,
your brother, -S

>>   R: In fear and trembling before our just and holy
God, and our merciful Savior.
       at [email protected]
*****************************************************

JOHN AND R AND UNPLANNED POLYGYNY.
>>>J.  First let me say it is not an absolutely clear cut
issue in my opinion.   And some compassion is
needed for all three of you.
>R.  Amen! and Thank You!

>>>J.  Had your agreements with your first wife been
such at the outset as to permit you at anytime at your
discretion to seek another wife, then seeking this lady
would not have been a problem with your agreements.
R>R.  Our wedding covenant was worded in such a way
to allow for the possible return of my exwife who
had left me years before.  My present wife married
me with the understanding that if B. was trully born
again and so bound to me as long as we both
live, that if she "repented" and wanted me to be
husband to her again I would be able to be husband
to her as well as to me present wife.  My present wife
agreed to this because she was positive B. would never
return to me and really wanted no part of polygyny.

>>>J.   Second, of course I must agree that entering into
a relationship in sin, is not good, but must disagree
as to the solution, once the thing is done.
>R.  As you will see below I do not believe that the
relationship was entered into in sin.  Agreed about once
the thing is done.

>>>J.   You see I do not know if the woman you met is
an unbeliever., second even that item is not as clear
cut as many think it to be.  It is always good to be
evenly yoked.  And to marry in the Lord is
the ideal.
>R.  Both P and M claim to be sincere believers in the
Lord Jesus Christ.

>>>J.   Yet we have much of biblical history showing
both good and bad marriages entered inot in the Lord
and out of the Lord.  Ruth the Moabitess is a great example
>R.  I agree 100%.  God works all things according to
the counsel of His own will (Eph. 1:11) and we know
Rom. 8:28.  He can take our disasters/dead bones/
defeats/sins and turn them to His glory.

>>>J.   Again many in this country indeed  have entered
into  marriage only after having had sexual relations.  I
would advise none of them to leave each other simply
because they entered into the covenants in a less than
perfect state.
>R.  Amen and Amen!!! Praise God for His abundant
mercy and grace that breathes life into dead bones
and makes precious intruments out of broken vessels.

>>>J.   Having said all that in general let us look at
particulars, You should not have entered into covenant
with the woman and done sin in the flesh.  This
needs to be repented of.  You should establish
whether the wife (the first one) is a believer, for if not
when she left she was free to go.  If yes (and here you
must be very honest with yourself and God), she
must be kept, unless she has slept with another.
>R.   I believe that even is she had slept with another
we would still be bound to one another as long as both
live (1Cor7:39)but Mat. 18:15-18 + 1 Cor. 5:5-11 + 2
Thess 3:6-14 would certainly be the order of the day.
In Mat. 5 and the NT Jesus never commanded anyone
to divorce their mate for adultery, and His Mat. 5
statement was made while He and His Jewish
brethren were still observing Deut 24 which was given
to the Jews for the hardness of their hearts. (see Matt.
23:11-3).

>>>J.   However, your covenants with the first (as long
as they do not violate Biblical principles) cannot easily
be brushed off.  Here again you must be very repentant
and seek God's will, not your own.  Now if God indeed
has willed it then you must weigh the consequences
of taking the wife, of losing the other, as all men who
enter into polygamy must consider that this could
happen even in the best of circumstances.

Some eggs cannot be unbroken.  This is one.  You
have covenants with both.  And as far as is in your
power in my opinion you ought to keep them, unless
the second is pulling you into idolatry or the like.
Idolatry is considered by God as a form of adultery.
Otherwise, you must also be totally honest with both,
and decide at this juncture after prayer and fasting
what is God's will for you, for His will is not always
the same for every saint in similar circumstances.
>R.  Thank you and amen about the non-sinful
covenants.  The consequences have been weighed and
placed on the altar before God.  I as Abraham and they
as Issac on the altar-----and I wait for the angel and
the ram in the bush.  My God is able and I am His child--
---He will Father me!

>>>J.   I do feel for you, and will pray for you, and for
the second and the first to find a way, or else for God
to make a way.  Sometimes, he will cause one to leave
or the other.  I do not know His Will for you, only you
can know that. I can point out the sinful imperfections
of your actions so that you might repent, but I must
also look at the solutions as being absolutely Biblical
and correct.  To sin a second sin by breaking
covenant, is no soution to the first sin.  Even Joshua
had to accept the Gibeonites in the camp when against
God's direct command he was tricked by them (the
devil) to make a covenant with them.  Leave the door
open to both and love each of your wives where you
can, the rest is in God's hands.
>R.  M and P and I trust God to have His way and make
His way through this marital wilderness that I led us
into.   Repentance has been 2 Cor 7 real and continues.
I praise God for your insight into our covenants before
the Lord.  The only instance I know where vows can
be broken is in the case of
Numb. 30 where the father can disallow the child's
vows and the husband can disallow the wife's vows,
so we being the children of the Father and members
of the Bride of Christ ---- and we not being our own
but bought with a price (what master cares about
the vows of a slave), we have not right to vow to sin,
to disobey our FAther's explicit specific will----we
have not right as the bride of Christ to vow to sin
to disobey our Groom----so I believe He disallows
any vows we make to sin, to disobey clear,
explicit and specific scripture in the Word of God.
I am seriously loving both to the best of my ability
as God enables.    He is doing an incredible work
of grace in M's heart!  I stand amazed at His working.
I have prayed that if P is of Him that He would give
M His compassionate Love for her---He has given it
to her for me in this trial of faith---perhaps He will
even give it to her for P.

God bless you brother.   I thank God for you and
S  and your ministry.  L. at  [email protected]

If you need such counsel, please contact the
following and look to God, doing 1Thess 5:21 and
John 14:15.



Beloved M ,
I know that you have, and will probably always reject my beliefs about
polygyny, marriage and divorce.  You have never even taken
the time to seriously read what I believe even though it is right
there in your computer.  I really believe what I believe. I really
believe I have to share what I believe because of the false and
unbiblical teaching of the compromised church about divorce and
remarriage.  You are unable to join me in this "cause celebre", this
vision of mine.  Both my belief and myself are now reproaches to
you, shaming and embarrassing  you.  I am proud of what I believe,
that St. Augustine believed what I believe and that a significant
number of Christians around the world believe what I believe.  I
believe that my ministry can open the door  for the polygynous in
the third world to find their place in Christ and His Church.  It is
and has been a grievous thing to the Spirit of God that polygynists
turning to Christ around the world have been told that they had to
abandon/reject their beloved wives, or consider some of their
wives as sinful and their children by them to be illegitimate.  If I can
show one such child of a Christian polygynist that he/she is not
illegitamte, if I can show one wife of a Christian polygyist that she
is not a sinner in their polygynous marriage, if I can keep one
Christian polygynist husband from rejecting/abandonning his
wives-----then my efforts will not be in vain I will have fulfilled my
vision.
               This vision is not shared by you.  So I love you but I fear
that I
have done that which will cause me to lose you because I don't
know what else to do honorably before God.  You will grow weary
of the grief.  Your grief over us will turn to anger, rejection and
repudiation of me; and your respect for me will become contempt
and shame unless God miraculously intervenes.

**M:    I see you as a most kind and loving husband; gentle and tender.
I have bonded with you which is evidenced in the excruciating pain
you are causing me.  I want to love you in every way I can.  In my
heart I know I have been the best wife to you that I know how to
be.  I have grown and become less volatile.  I have learned much
from you.  I still hope to grow in my love for you as the years
progress.
>>R:  I have learned much from you.  I still hope to grow in my love
for you as the years progress.  I am glad my love for you was "most
kind loving".  I asked for God's help and He enabled.  You felt more
loved than
you ever had in your life and that made me feel I had served/cherished
you
well.
**M: Respect: to feel or show honor or esteem for me. That was also
in
our marriage covenant (a binding agreement).   Are you doing that
when you become emotionally involved with other women?  The
thought of another man touching me is repulsive to me because I
am yours and yours alone.  No other man may enter my heart
because it is occupied with you.  To befriend a single man would be
opening myself to temptation.  I love God and you too much so I
choose not to do that.
>>R: I meant no disrespect when I became emotionally  (not sexually)
involved with other women.  I hoped that we together could accept
them as our friends.  Perhaps unconsciously I became emotionally
involved with them because my passion for you had died and I
believed our marriage was doomed.  I carefully avoided adultery
fornication with them, but I know that is not enough for you.  Perhaps
they were part of plan "B".
**M: I believe deep down your feelings of inferiority convinced you I
would not love you forever.  My loss of temper reinforced what
you already believed deep down and the fear of not having your
sexual needs met caused the door of temptation to be opened.  The
sin began with D M unless there were others before  her I don't
know about.  Because you closed down emotionally to me you
opened yourself up to others to fill the need. " But a person is
tempted when he is drawn away and trapped by his own evil desire
(distorted thinking?).  Then his evil desire conceives and gives birth
to sin; and sin, when full-grown gives birth to death."James 1:1415.
>>R: You are probably right about my feelings of inferiority.  I have
always had trouble believing that the women I have loved, even
my wives, really loved me.  Yes I opened myself up to others to fill
the need of being loved and cherished by a woman I respect and
admire.  I did not open myself up for sin, fornication or adultery, in
thought or in deed, because I carefully avoided those sins.
Avoiding lustful thoughts, thinking solely of their beauty and
charm, I thought of them while we made love so I could give you
the orgasm you wanted so much from me.  P. llip, the Christian
counselor, told me this was a common and satisfactory solution if
acceptable to both parties.  You told me I could think of whoever I
wanted just as long as I was able to climax with you.  My desire
was to satisfy you sexually and give you the climax you desired.
That is not an evil desire.
**M:  The husband is to take authority over the spirits of darkness
that
come against your family.  But how can this happen when he insists
that polygamy is honored by God.  His own thinking is
overpowered by the spirits of darkness.  Are you afraid you'll
become a rapist if your sexual needs are not met so you must
ensure a back-up vagina just in case?  That's what it looks like.
Don't you trust Jesus to meet your needs?  What does being a
Christian really mean to you?
>>R: God Himself instituted polygamy in Exodus 21:9,10,11; and
Deut.
21:15,16,17. He portrayed Himself as a polygynist in Ezek. 23. In
Matt. 23:1-7 Jesus ordered His disciples to observe these laws,
including the laws about polygyny, and they did observe them (Acts
15) until God released the believing Jews from the Sinai Law in
Colos 2 and Eph. 2,  after half of the books of the New Testament
had been written. Yes I believe that polygyny is honored by God.
A Christian is one who loves and obeys the Word of God (1Jn 2:1-5).
That is what I'm trying to do.
**M:    I also see hope if you are willing to allow the Holy Spirit to
renew your mind and no longer be conformed to the pattern of the
world which says she hurt me so it's OK if I find someone else who
will love me.  You may call the person a concubine but no matter how
you rationalize it,  it violates your covenant words to me, "Do you
leave your parents and loyally bond with her to be one in marriage
submitting to each other in reverence to God."

>>R: Does Jesus statement �The two shall become one flesh� mean
that only
one man and one woman should become one flesh, as in
monogamy>57 , as
most of the "leaders" maintain?  The Spirit uses �The two shall
become
one flesh� principle in 1 Corinth. 6 to show �that he who is joined to a
harlot
is one body with her� , and then uses the same �one flesh� principle in
Eph. 5
about a husband and his wife.   Jerome (340-420AD) didn't indicate any
problem understanding the  possibility when he wrote, "Lamech, a
man of blood and a murderer, was the first who divided one flesh
between two wives.">58
[Footnotes:>.57  Please see THE INSTITUTES OF BIBLICAL
LAW, by R. Rushdonney, p. 363.   >.58  A Select Library of
the Nicene and Post-Nicene Fathers of The Christian Church,
Vol. VIII;  p. 358.]

Since the harlot is one flesh with every fornicator she has sexual union
with
and the husband is one flesh with his wife, the �one flesh� principle is
not
unique to marriage and cannot be an argument for monogamy or
against
polygyny .  The �one flesh� principle is physical reality that describes
only
the result of sexual union, whether it involve a harlot, a fornicator, a
married couple or a polygamous marriage.  David, Israel and
Abraham were
�one flesh� with each of their wives, just as the adulteress of Prov. 6 &
7
was one flesh with each of her adulterers. Under the Law by Moses,
being
�one flesh� could have been the basis for marriage>11  but not so for
us
after the Sinai Law of Moses was declared voided in Eph. 2 and Col.
2,
especially in the case of 1 Cor. 7:9; 1 Tm. 5:11-14.  If we do not control
ourselves today, we are commanded to marry>12 , but who to marry
is not
specified, only that your mate be saved>13 and godly>14.
[Footnotes: >11   (Deut. 22:22-30; Ex. 22:16,17).    >12  1 Cor.
7:9,36;  1 Tim 5:14;  Appendix Six of this document.    >13. 2
Corinthians 6.    .>14 1 Corinthians 5:9-11; 2 Thess. 3:6-14]

Being one flesh, as Eph. 5:22-33 shows, is one of the best motives for
the husband being good and godly to his wife.  A Christian elder
apparently maintains that godly equality is possible only in a
monogamous
marriage, and that polygamy increases women's subordination.>59 He
apparently
believes that the harmony and unity of Gen. 2:24 is unable to develop
in a
polygamous marriage, and that monogamy best reflects Christ's love to
the
Church>60.
How did I miss that? Was it the blissful and enraptured love the
Shulamite had for her Solomon who loved and adored her in their
polygynous
marriage>15?   Was it Abigail who gave up her wealthy independence
as Nabal's widow in order to be David's wife in a polygynous
marriage?
[Footnotes:>59.  Trobisch; MY WIFE MADE ME A
POLYGAMIST;  p21ff.    >60. Trobisch; MY WIFE MADE ME. . . .
P. 25.    >15  (Song of Sol. 6)]
       I understand  a Christian elder to state that in monogamy both
leave and both cleave, becoming one flesh, and this is only possible for
two
marital partners, therefore polygamy is excluded by the Biblical idea
of equality>61. He gives no scripture reference for this position, and I
don't believe he would be able to do so. Statistics show that most
Christian
monogamous marriages fail to maintain this harmonious equality,
and again because of sin and the flesh. There is no claim that in
polygyny three
"become one", but indeed the husband does become one flesh with
each of his
wives>18  and the fornicator becomes one flesh with each harlot with
whom he fornicates>19  .  There is no reason why a polygynist and his
wives/concubines could not attain to the level of the saints in the early
church where they shared all that they had, and had all things in
common>20
in a sweet and loving harmony.  In the Lord any family, even a
polygynous
family, can achieve that unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace>21  .
[Footnotes:>61. Trobisch; MY WIFE MADE ME. . . >. P. 49ff.
>18    (Matt. 19).     >19    (1 Cor. 6:12-20).    >20   Acts 4.
>21   (Phil. 4:13;Eph. 4:1-5; Psalm 133 and Acts 3 & 4)]


**M:  This pattern of needing and seeking other women began long
before you met me and unfortunately will continue long after me
unless you make a choice to stop it with God's help and grace and
cleave unto me alone with God's help and grace.  You also admitted
that you did sexual things in the past that you thought were right
according to scripture only to find that you were dead wrong.  Do you
know you have been forgiven and can be forgiven today?  I forgave
you for your sexual involvement with P knowing that you were
emotionally distraught but to proceed to exchange vows with her
without asking me if our marriage was over was dead wrong.  You
tell me you love me but can only have an orgasm with me by thinking
about P who you do not love but care deeply about.  What is the truth
R?  Until you ask God (and me) to forgive you, you are living a lie.

>>R: I entered into marital covenant with P only after I was
persuaded
that there was no hope for our reconciliation because of the promises I
made to P. That has not changed.  You still cannot accept either my
promises to P, or my keeping of the promises to P.  I know of no way to
be honorably and righteously released from the promises, so the
obstacle of the promises remains and is real, so real they will probably
cause you to renounce and reject me as husband.  Since you will never
accept the promises and since I shouldn't break them, your rejection of
me is inevitable without the miraculous intervention of God.  He has
not yet intervened.
       I love and deeply care about both you and P, but she is on the
altar and if God removes her I will sadly accept it until my soul
recovers and sees His way and wisdom in it.  You are also on the altar,
because you may not be able to join me in my beliefs and "ministry"
about divorce, remarriage and polygyny---which is in oppositon to
the "at ease in Zion" American Christian church that has become so
conformed to the world that it tolerates the divorce and remarriage of
believers almost as commonly as in the unsaved society.
**M:    We are both broken and insecure R and we do need each
other but our only chance of seeing old age together (which you
know is the desire of my heart) is putting each other first;
emotionally, mentally, physically and sexually.  It means being
emotionally involved on a sexual level with only each other.
Otherwise our marriage bed is defiled.
>>R: I don't believe polygyny is a defilement of the marriage bed, and
there is not one scripture in the whole Bible that says that.
**M:    When we married I accepted your view that is not pleasing to
God to put away your wife and I accepted that you should help
them should there be an emergency.  I felt so secure in your love
that your helping them would not jeopardize your love for me.  I
did not accept that you could find a substitute for me when the
going got rough.  If we had been living apart and I was unwilling
to go to counseling to resolve our problems and restore our
marriage and if I had been denying you sexually then I could
understand your looking for another.  But you did not even ask me
what my feelings were.  Because of past rejection you assumed you
were unloved and free to look for another wife.  You forgot that I
am a Christian and believe I am married to you till death do us
part.
>>R: I thought I knew what your feelings were. All I could see was (1)
a
wife who told me to leave and sink (including death) or swim (get a
job acceptable to you)--all in violation of most of our wedding
covenant---which I considered to be trashed by you edict;  and (2) a
wife who rejected promises I made foolishly but sincerely, which
promises violated none of our wedding vows.  Your refusal to let
me honor those promises persuaded me that our marriage was
doomed.
**M:  So are promises made contrary to scripture (we were still
bound
to one another at the time the promises were made to another) to
be honored?  Or should you beg forgiveness from God and repent?
If your wife is suffering from what you have sewn with another is
it right to continue sewing?  NO, it's not.
>>R: I don't believe any of the promises (1) were made contrary to
scripture, (2) involved the disobedience of any scripture.  They were
foolishly made, but enough thought was put in them so that they
involved no sexual sin, no violation of scripture, and could have
been kept by you and I together as a ministry to a poor sister in the
Lord.
**M:    It's time for God and counselors to reveal to you why you acted
the way you did  learn from your mistakes and start the rebuilding
process.  I not only fear for your physical/mental well being should
you continue in this emotional attachment to another woman but I
fear for your salvation.
>>R:  I realize that my life is on the line, and yet God continues to
bless
me more than he has in decades.
**M:    If you believe Romans 13:1-2 and the state of California forbids
polygamy are you not bringing judgment on yourself by refusing to
abandon your false belief?  Is your conscience so dulled that you
feel no guilt at all over your stand to have more than one sexual
partner?
>>R: Polygamy is illegal in America, but concubinage is not illegal.
Concubinage, having a concubine in informal marriage by informal
covenant, violates no city, county, state or federal law that I am
aware of.  So it is not a violation of Rom. 13, and not a sin.

**M:  Nov. 5, 1996
Dear Dr. B,
       Please find enclosed R's last words to me.  Despite our 90
minute visit with a wonderful Pastor and his wife and their pointing
out his deceptive thinking (demonic stronghold), R writes this!  It
seems the night he stormed out of your office was the night he
exchanged vows with P and she became his "concubine"!  What
Biblical
grounds does he have to do this?  I am heart broken and have told him
not to return unless he will forsake all others and cleave to me.  I
wonder if God is in fact delivering me from a most troubled
individual.  I'm angry at myself for being taken in by his charm and
not
acknowledging the warning signs at the beginning of the relationship.
R will not listen to reason so I give up.  He cried last night and said he
wished he had not made those promises and yet writes this garbage
this morning.  He is covering up the sin of adultery using scripture,
right?  How the Holy Spirit must grieve.  Oh, they haven't gone all the
way yet because she wants to wait a year to make sure he'll not leave
her like the other three fathers of her children (whom she was never
married to).  So, he must be hanging in there for 4 more months!  And,
she's a Christian of course.  It is so ludicrous.
       I was pleased to hear Pastor G call R's distorted thinking a
"demonic stronghold" because that was the insight the Holy Spirit
gave me months ago which I shared with you.  I had wanted to make
numerous appointments with other Pastors so R could hear the proper
interpretation of the Bible but G said it would be a waste of time.  I
would say this deceived way of thinking re: polygamy has been
reinforced since the 50's.[ R has believed it since the 60's]
       I can only let go and let God.  He alone can "bring him to his
senses" like the prodigal son but in the meantime I must get on with
my life.  I truly hope the man is saved and if the Lord is chastening
him
with sickness then he is courting disaster by refusing to give P up.
       I praise God for allowing his "sin to find him out."  I feel the
truth is evident and the deception has been exposed. [ Not to R yet]
I'm just so sorry he is unable to see it.  I pray that the Lord drive out
the principalities of darkness that are keeping him captive.
       Please call me.  Thank you so much.M.

**M:    R, I believe I was chosen by God for you (He put such a love in
my heart for you that morning at H) and I believe you were also
put in my life by Him (the way you ended up at J).  But you are
putting me aside emotionally for another and this dishonors God.
You can call it any name you like but the truth is, it is sin.  The God I
am submitted to calls it adultery and fornication.  You can heap
more guilt on your head by pursuing this relationship or you can
stop now and live committed to me as God would have you.
>>R: Is adultery?  Maybe in Webster's dictionary and in the
congregations of most of the compromised and worldly Christian
churches of today.  It is not adultery according to the Bible:Adultery
for the man:
1. "Whoever marries a woman who is divorced
commits adultery", obviously because she still is
bound to the husband from whom she is divorced.
[>.^151. Mat. 5:32; 19:9; except in the cases of 1 Cor.
7:12-15,39; 1 Tim. 5:14.]
2. "Whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual
immorality, and marries another, commits adultery."
The adultery consists of divorcing his wife for
something else besides sexual immorality AND then
remarrying.    If he stayed married to his wife and
married another, he became a polygynist.  On the
other hand, it is implied here that if he divorces his
wife for sexual immorality and marries another, he
does not commit adultery.   His divorcing her does not
cause  her to commit adultery because she is already
immorally sexually involved with someone else.   His
refusal to meet her sexual needs (1 Cor 7:2-5) does
not cause her to be immoral because she is already
being immoral.  He is commanded not to be intimate
with her (1Cor.5:11) but his lack of her intimacy will
cause him to be tempted (1 Cor.7:5).  If the
temptations overcome him and he is faling to control
himself, burning with marital desire, he comes under
command to marry (1Cor.7:9) and so remarries in the
Lord.[ Footnote: >152.  Matt 19: 9: Mark 10:11; Luke
16:18.152.]
3. "Whoever divorces his wife and marries another woman commits
adultery against her." Mark 10:11 Pretty clear, right?  But please note
that nowhere in the Bible does He say "Whoever remains married to
his wife and marries another woman commits adultery against her."
Why?  Remembering that when Jesus walked on earth He Himself
commanded the apostles and His disciples to observe and obey all of
the Law of Moses>a., including the Laws about polygyny cited in the
following, and that the apostles and Jewish believers kept and
observed all the Laws given to Moses (including those about
polygyny) through the entire book of Acts>b. period up until God
released the apostles and believing Jews from the Law of Moses in
Ephesians 2 and Colosians 2, consider the following facts:
(1) Immediately after God gave Moses the ten commandments He
gave Moses instructions for men who have more than one wife>14. .
(2) Later He gave Moses instructions (Dt.12:1ff) for a husband who
has two wives>15. .
(3) He gave Moses specific instructions for the brother-in-laws of a
widow and did not exempt any brother who was already married>16.
and Jesus introduced no such exemption when He spoke of this
passage>17.
(4) God Himself told polygynist King David (he had ten +/- wives and
concubines at the time>18. ) that He had been with him wherever he
had
gone, that He would make a great name for him, that his descendant
would be the Messiah>19. , and that He Himself had given David
more
than one wife>20.
(5) God, who cannot sin and never portrays Himself as sinning,
portrayed Himself as the polygynist husband of two wives in Ezekiel
23.
[Footnotes: >a.  Matthew 23:1-3
>b.  In Matthew 23:1-3 Jesus commands obedience to the Laws give n
to Moses.  In Acts 15 the
believing  non-Jews, not the believing Jews, were released from the
Laws given to Moses.  In Acts
21:15-25 we see the Jewish apostle Paul and the surviving apostles still
obeying the Law of Moses
in obedience to Christ in Matt. 23:1-3.
>14.  Exodus 21:7-11 (See Hosea 3:2; Deut. 25:5-10; Lev. 19:20)
>15.  Deut. 21:15-17 (See 2 Chron. 24:3; Gen. 29:33; 1 Chron.5:2; 26:10;
2 Kings 2:9)
>16.  Deut. 25:5-10
>17.  Matt. 22:23-25; Mark 12:18-20; Luke 20:27-29
>18.  2 Samuel 5:13; 6:12-23
>19. 2 Samuel 7:8-17
>20.  2 Samuel 12:8 ; that this did not mean platonic care is evident
from 1 Kings 1:1-3; 2:13-25.]

4. "You shall not covet your neighbor's wife.">153.
"You shall not lie carnally with your neighbor's
wife�>154.  "For this is the will of God. . . ..that no one
should take advantage of and defraud/cheat his
brother in this matter.�>155.    A genuine Christian
wife is bound to her husband as long as he lives and
she becomes an adulteress when she marries another
while he still lives.
[Footnotes:>153. Exod. 20:17.  >154. Leviticus18:20.
>155. 1 Thess. 4:3-6.]

Adultery for the female is sexual intimacy with
anyone else besides her own husband/mate. Adultery
for the male is when (1) he is married to a new wife
and had left/rejected/divorced his former wife in
order to marry this new wife>99 . ; or (2) is sexually
intimate with some one else�s wife. It is this double
standard that allowed Abraham, Jacob, David and
Joash to be godly polygamists, but declared a woman
to be an adulteress if she was intimate
with anyone but her own mate.  It is a double
standard for the man and the woman, just like
polygyny was/is a double standard for the man and
the woman.  The same sin is defined differently for
the woman and differently for the man.  See more on
this below.
[Footnotes:>99 It is  the combination of divorcing one's
mate in order to marry another and then marrying
that other. If he both dutifully keeps his own wife
and then marries another woman, it is polygyny and
not adultery.  If the wife dutifully keeps her own
husband and marries another it is adultery (Romans
7:3)  The double standard is clearly laid out in Matt.
5:32 and 19:6-9; Mark 10:1-11; Luke 16:18; 1 Thess.
4:4-6 and Romans 7:1-3; 1 Corinth. 7:39]

**M:    Some deficit in your being causes you to seek out other women-
usually poor and black-to nurture you.  You do everything to avoid
pain.  Your high is women.
>>R:  That may be so.  If it is so I don't understand why, unless I'm
unconsciously trying to get "B" (mother of my children) back, or
trying to make up for my failure with "L" (my first wife).  All I know
is that I have a deep emotional and irrational longing for a Black
wife, and I know that no rich or middle class Black Christian lady
would give polygyny with me a second thought.   I knew I would be
bound to you in marriage for life, so any woman I married would
have to accept me in polygyny,still bound to you.  Only a desperate
and lonely Black lady would even seriously consider it.  No one else
would have me, still bound to you before the Lord, with you not
wanting me as husband because of the promises I made to P.
**M:    So, will you choose to deal with this emotional deficit and seek
help and emotional healing or will you keep running from woman
to woman when the tough gets going?
>>R: When my marriages to B, to D and you were whole and sound I
had
no desire for or need of any other.  I was prepared for it to be just
you and me till death part us. Only after "the incident" did my
passion for you die and get lost in the fragments and
compartments of my unglued mind.
**M:    I pray for divine healing for your mind and emotions and
reconciliation with you that will require weekly counseling,
support groups and accountability.   I love you R and I am
committed to you alone.
>>R: I also pray for that divine healing and reconciliation.  It will be a
real miracle if you remain committed to me, if I am not released
from the promises I made to P.
**M: Nov. 15, 1996
Dear H,
       After listening to your show today I thought you might be able
to help me. After you read this please read what my husband put on
the Internet.  I truly believe he is in a demonic stronghold and don't
know what a Christian wife is to do in this situation.  I was raised
Catholic in my childhood and am under the mindset that you don't
give up and you don't divorce.  But since he feels he has made
promises to another woman and can't give her up am I condoning sin
by allowing him to come home on his days off?  He finally got a
teaching job  120 miles away and has a little apartment there.
       I believe I married a very intelligent "Christian" man with
distorted and sometimes destructive thinking.  Because of "poor
reality contact" (according to the counselor we have been seeing since
March)  R's feelings and actions are not based on fact but what he
thinks is fact.  The consequences of his distorted thinking are causing
me pain and sorrow.
       I know that this pattern of seeing the worst in everything and in
selected people (like my children) started many years ago before I ever
knew him. [ R hopes for the best (plan A), but feels he must mentally
prepare for the worst(plan B)]  However, let me go back to the
incident that turned the tide in R's eyes.  He did not have a steady job
for the first eight months of our marriage so I was the breadwinner.  I
also had a daughter who was so jealous of his taking my time away
from her that she was very demanding.  My son was also returned to
me, out of control having lived with his Dad in New Zealand for five
years.  My step-daughter told R. they had a wall up against me so no
matter how friendly I was I was rejected.  Although I loved this man
more deeply than any other human being in the world, a year after our
wedding  I snapped and told him I felt that his daughter who was
living with us and treating me most coldly should live with her
mother
in Georgia. [ R. understood me to have told him that his daughter had
to go for the marriage to survive.  He felt I was wrong and unfair to
his daughter.  He felt he and his daughter would therefore have to
leave and the marriage would not survive.]  He interpreted that as
rejection of HIM as well as her and started looking for alternative
living quarters which I knew nothing about.  I never wanted him to
leave only his daughter who would not even talk to me! [ R. says I
exaggerate. R says she was deliberately quiet around me so as not to
provoke or upset me]  So, from that moment on he put up a wall and
could no longer love me passionately. [ R says he did not consciously
put up that wall]  He had to think of "previous wives" to have an
orgasm with me.  When he told me this I probably didn't believe him
since he "acted" lovingly towards me.  I remember flippantly saying I
didn't care what was going through his head as long as he made love
to me.  I never realized how damaging the consequences would be.
So, because of my hurt and frustration which came out in a blast
(which I forgot about soon after!) he cannot feel safe with me and is
unable to love me with his all.  Because of his great fear of being hurt
and rejected I don't think he would truly love any woman in the true
sense of the word.  I also believe he is so self-absorbed evidenced in
behaviors I will share I don't think he loves anyone but himself.
Because the wall was up, the door was open for other women to enter
and they did -  physically, emotionally and now most recently sexually.
       So for 4 years I think everything is fine other than his inability to
hold a job[ R was employed full time 3 out of the five years of the
marriage]  only to find that his need to help "poor black women" is
more than mere charity.  Last February after I felt he betrayed me
regarding my son I told him he must move out.  I would no longer
support him or his daughter.  I didn't say I didn't love him.  I didn't
say
I wanted a divorce.  I just said I'm not paying for everything anymore.
His distorted thinking again told him the marriage was over and
within a week he met a poor black woman at the supermarket who
saved him.  In the meantime I believe that with some good counseling
and his getting a job our marriage will be terrific again.  In the months
that followed our separation I proceeded to clean and restore my
house.  R is a very messy person and the whole house was cluttered
and dirty.  I couldn't live like that.  So emotionally I felt great - the best
I'd felt in a long time.  I had control again and my environment was
orderly.
       After a month of counseling I had such a renewed love for my
husband and asked him to spend the night.  He acted very strangely
and confessed that he[ once] had oral sex with this woman and
wouldn't make love with me until she had had an AIDS test (which he
gave her $100 for!).  I was heart broken but forgave him and we
eventually resumed marital oneness.  Then I pieced together things he
said and realized that despite having moved back home last August he
was still building and nurturing a relationship with this woman.
When I said he must no longer see her he said he had made promises
to her that he couldn't break.  I pointed out that since he had made a
marriage covenant with me he was not free to make promises to
another in the first place.  No matter how much you "reason" with
him
he is determined not to break his promises.  So, because of wrong
thoughts (about the status of my love for him and our marriage) he
developed wrong feelings for another which are now leading to
wrong actions with her.
       Because he didn't think I wanted him for my husband (he didn't
ask me personally) he proceeded to exchange marriage vows with this
woman and now he truly believes he is bound to both of us for life. He
sees no condemnation of Polygamy in the Bible and thinks it's perfectly
alright to be emotionally and intimately involved with two women.
He believes the "should only have one wife" in the New Testament
only applies to elders and deacons and the "each man should have his
own wife" means own wife one at a time - you don't bring all your
wives together!   I don't share my husband and despite King David
being a man of God and having 7 wives and 7 concubines, I live in the
USA in 1996 and will not condone his infidelity.  To him his actions
are
perfectly alright - it's not infidelity or adultery!.  How deceived he is.
       So the bottom line is this:  are his promises valid as he thinks,
can he give up all emotional ties to present and previous women and
cleave unto me and can the wall come down so he can passionately
love me again like he should?  Looking forward to hearing from you.

**M: Dec. 4, 1996
Dear D,
       R left this for me to read and said I could send you a copy.  The
R and L refer to our middle names in the letter.  I think his friend hit
the nail on the head.  We both said it was sin but S explained why and
R is giving it great thought.   I feel the following scenario makes sense
out of the mess.  R has a
�       fear of abandonment[ and affection deprivation] from infancy
which leads to his
�       being self-absorbed
�       dependent personality disorder
�       need to be needed in order to feel loved
�       when I suggested his daughter live with her mother he
�       assumes I don't want him either (NOT true!)
�       realizes he must not be needed
�       finds comfort by bonding emotionally with less fortunate, black,
single, women who need him
�       hence distancing emotionally from me despite going through
loving actions
�       sets himself up for an affair- at least of the emotions.

I didn't marry R because I needed him.  I married him because I
wanted to love him and honor him all the days of my life.  Because
my son A is grown, he doesn't think I need him anymore - so he
finds others who need him.
Why doesn't he feel safe and secure in my love and life?  Because I'm
capable and financially independent? [ R. fears my wrath and
reviling, and my rejection]
Are these 'helpless' women feeding an addiction of the need to feel
significant/needed?  Thus he feels loved, appreciated, looked up to
and in control.
If they need him they won't abandon him.
In the meantime he is not growing emotionally nor loving and
accepting himself as he is.  Alone he feels insignificant, inadequate,
without identity.
Why can't he stand on his own two feet and enjoy life?  Why must he
always have a woman?[ R has a high testosterone level that results
in the "burning" that requires marriage (1Cor.7:9) and results in
demonic temptations when deprived of his wife (1Cor.7:4,5).
Without a wife he has a great struggle to remain pure and expects
God to supply the wife/marriage that is His solution]
By caring for these women he feels important and in control of the
relationship.
I wonder if giving up these women is as hard as an alcoholic giving up
booze.  They are his comfort.
If he is willing to move towards the ability to be happy and content on
his own-to grow emotionally- and will stay sexually pure then I
am in there for the long haul.
I was delighted with what he wrote re our covenant and would like to
recommit by saying these vows but I think all contact with P must
be broken first, don't you?
Would you be so kind as to call me when you think major
breakthroughs have been gained?  Thank you so much.
>>R: Beloved M., I am so sorry for what we have lost as a result of
both
of our sins.  I believe that there is, at the present time, no hope for
our marriage, short of miraculous intervention by God.  You will
never be able to accept me keeping the promises I made to P. and I
feel that I must keep them to be acceptable to God.  Believing that
the marriage was doomed because of my promises to P., I accepted
P. as concubine.  I believe that she shares your 1 Cor. 7:2,3,4,5
authority over me as husband and that I must recognize and accept
that authority to please God.  P. and I are intimate maritally,
without coition, almost every week.  I know that this grieves you
and offends you.  I believe that you will not tolerate or accept this.
       I remain your devoted husband, willing to express
that love and cherish you whenever you give me the opportunity,
believing I am bound to you in the Lord as long as we both live. R.

III. THE TURNING POINT, ACTING ON FAITH AND THE WORD
Beloved M. Please read and consider what I have to say in this
letter.  I know you would not let me say this to you over
the phone, probably not even to your face, but perhaps you
will at least read it.   At least read the end about this
Christmas.  Perhaps I am old-fashioned and outdated in
my ideas, but I really believe these scriptures:

". . . but for Adam there was not found a helper suitable for
him.  So the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall upon the
man. . . He took one of his ribs. . . and. . . fashioned into a
woman the rib which He had taken from the man, and brought
her to the man." Gn.2:20-22   WHY?  She was to be "a
helper suitable for him."  Man had no suitable helper so
God made woman to be his suitable helper.  This is God's
design for women, especially for wives.
"To the woman He said, "I will greatly multiply your pain in
childbirth, in pain you shall bring forth children; yet your
desire shall be for your husband, and he shall rule over you."
Gn.3:16  As one wise Bible teacher said, If Eve would have
loved God enough, she wouldn't have eaten the fruit.  If
she had loved Adam enough, she would have consulted him
before deciding to eat the fruit.  Adam knew and loved
God but he loved his imperfect and fallen wife so much
that he could not refuse the forbidden fruit when she
gave it to him.  He knew something terrible would happen
to her for eating the forbidden fruit and rather than lose
her (whom he loved so dearly) and live alone with God
again, he chose to suffer the consequences with her
rather than let her suffer them alone.  He didn't know
that God could provide him with another, and he didn't
want another he loved her so much, so he "died" with her.
He loved her more than God in idolatry, and loved her
more than his own life with God. They both failed to seek
first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness.  Probably
the reason the first commandment is to have no other
gods before Him, loving Him with all our strenght, heart,
mind soul.  Probably the reason that Jesus said that if a
man did not love Him more than his wife and children,
that man would not inherit the kingdom (Luke 14).
Because of this, God now tells the husband he must both
rule and lovingly cherish his wife, whereas before all he
had to do was lovingly cherish her.  He must rule and lead
her to demonstrate he loves God more than her, risking
her resentment and disobedience, and he must lovingly
cherish her even if she is resentful and disobedient, a
difficult row for anyone to hoe.  So much was lost in the
garden, but it will be regained in His Kingdom when He
returns and rules on the earth from Jerusalem (Rev.20:1-
6).

"But I want you to understand that Christ is the head of
every man, and the man is the head of a woman, and God is
the head of Christ. . . For a man. . . is the image and glory of
God; but the woman is the glory of man. For man does not
originate from woman, but woman from man; for indeed man
was not created for the woman's sake, but woman [was
created] for the man's sake.  Therefore the woman ought to
have authority over her head, because of the angels." 1
Cor.11:3-12

"In the same way, you wives, be submissive to>1.
                                    arrange and place yourself
                                       under
                                     subordinate yourself to
                                     bring yourself under the
                                       influence of
                                     subject yourself to
                                     render  obedience to
                                                          your own
husbands so that  even if any [of them] are disobedient to
the Word, they may be won without a word by the behavior of
their wives, as they observe your chaste and respectful
behavior. . . . [beautify yourself by]  the hidden person of the
heart, with the imperishable quality of a  gentle>2.
         humble
         considerate
         unassumingly meek
         mild
             and quiet>3.
               tranquil
               calm
               restful
               modest
               reserved
               subdued
               peaceful
                            spirit, which is precious in the sight of
God.  For in this way in former times the holy women also,
who hoped in God, used to adorn themselves,
being submissive to>4.
arranging and placing themselves under
subordinating themselves to
bringing themselves under the influence of
subjecting themselves to
rendering  obedience to
                            their own husbands.  Thus Sarah
obeyed Abraham, calling him lord, and you have become her
children if you do what is right without being frightened by
any fear.
       You husbands likewise, live with your wives in an
understanding way>5.
according to Christ's Word
wisely,
as with a weaker vessel, since she is a woman; and
grant her honor>6.
       value her as Christ does
       prize her as precious
                                       as a  fellow heir of the grace of
life , so that your prayers may not be hindered.
To sum up, all should be harmonious, sympathetic, brotherly,
kindhearted and humble in spirit; not returning evil for evil,
or insult for insult, but giving a blessing instead; for you
were called for the very purpose that you might inherit a
blessing." 1Pt.3:1-8

"Older women likewise are to be reverent . . . teaching what
is good, that they may encourage the young women to
[affectionately] love their husbands, to [affectionately]
love their children, [to be] sensible, pure,  taking care of
household affairs, kind, being subject to>7.
                       being submissive to
                       arranging and placing themselves under
                       subordinating themselves to
                       bringing themselves under the influence of
                       subjecting themselves to
                       rendering  obedience to
                                             their own husbands,
that the Word of God may not be dishonored." Titus 2:2-6

". . . . . be subject to>8.
          be submissive to
        arrange and place yourself under
        subordinate yourself to
        bring yourself under the influence of
        subject yourself to
        render  obedience to
                                one another in the fear of God.
Wives, submit yourselves to>9.
       be subject  to
          be submissive to
        arrange and place yourself under
        subordinate yourself to
        bring yourself under the influence of
        subject yourself to
        render  obedience to
                                your own husbands, as [you would
submit yourself] to the Lord.  For the husband is the head of
the wife, as Christ also is head of the church,
. . . But as the church is subject to>10.
                              submissive to
                              arranged and placed under
                              self-subordinated to
                              self- brought under the influence of
                              self-subjected to
                              rendering  obedience to
                                                            Christ, so
also the wives [ought to be] to their own husbands in
everything.  Husbands, Agap�-love your wives, just as Christ
Agap�-loved the church and gave Himself up for her . . . .  each
individual among you should also Agap�-love his own wife
even as himself; and  the wife should [see to it] that she
respects>11.
       reveres
       reverences
       venerates
       treats with deference
       treats with reverent obedience
                               the husband."  Eph.5:21-33

       Beloved M , I know that I have failed in many
ways to be a godly husband to you, but that does not
change God's will for you as described here in the Word.
So I challenge you to examine yourself (2
Cor.13:5;1Cor.11:28, 30) at this critical time in your life
in the Lord and see if you are living according to His
Word especially in our relationship.  Please do it now.
       Over our years together you have been disobedient
to Christ and His Word by systematically rejecting my
spiritual leadership in the home (the Bible studies I knew
you needed to be the mother God meant you to be etc.); of
my career/work goals and prospects (especially teaching
in Christian schools); of my child rearing standards and
practices (especially re Adam and Kaley);  of my vain
attempts to bring the family under a working budget; of
my churches; of the saints I enjoy worshipping with and
serving; of my desire to minister to the homeless; of my
desire to assist widows, single moms, and orphans; of
my mother and daughters etc. etc.
       If you had submitted to my investigation and
findings about P. 's silence and reserve (the imperishable
quality of a  gentle>12.
         humble
         considerate
         unassumingly meek
         mild
             and
                       quiet>13.
                       tranquil
                       calm
                       restful
                       modest
                       reserved
                       subdued
                       peaceful
                               spirit (1Pet3:4) at Winona I
would not have lost my passionate desire for you nor my
joy in making love with you.  If you would have submitted
to my lead about Adam he wouldn't have broken the laws
at Allied Gardens.  Because you listened to me he landed up
where the Lord could link him up with Ann who was used
of God to heal the broken child and teach him how to properly
act with his mother.  If you would have yielded to me and
accepted my lead about the kind of work I wanted after
Mt. Erie we wouldn't have landed up with  EMS, $3000
plus of debt, and the hellish depression of 1995 that
crippled my job seeking efforts.  If you would have
submitted yourself and yielded to my lead about Adam
and the violations of his house arrest Tali would never
had to have turned him in and you would never have told
me to leave------so I would never have met P .  If
you had resepectfully honored me and submitted to me
you would not have told me unilaterly to leave your house
and we could have moved right into Marriage Ministries
Int. to find God's way to solve our crisis.  If you would
have humbly submitted and followed my lead, you could
have joined me in a family ministry to P  and her
children, taking them to church, to the budget movie,
helping them with their transportation, and helping them
with their finances----and then there would have been
no concubine, just a humble and needy sister in the Lord.
But I misread your behavior and overreacted, so now
there is a concubine with the imperishable quality of a
gentle
humble
considerate
unassumingly meek
mild
       and quiet
       tranquil
       calm
       restful
       modest
       reserved
       subdued
       peaceful
                    spirit, and we seem to be back at the
begining with P.  at Winona again, with you feeling
disrespect and nonacceptance and threatening the end of
the marriage if she doesn't go.
       Every time you have rejected my lead and failed to
follow it there have been marriage wrecking
consequences, as when Eve chose to taste the forbidden
fruit.  So contrary to the Word you took command and
you  told me to leave, the ultimate rejection me as your
husband-head and a rejection of the Word of God
(lCor.7:4,5).  You caused your leader great grief and that
is very unprofitable for you (Heb.13:17) so I came to
believe that there was no hope for the marriage. I failed
to obey Christ in 1 Cor. 7:11 and obeyed you instead of
Him, leaving as you requested.  Each wR g turn leads to
more difficult and grievous consequences.
        If only you had followed my lead, submitted to my
headship in the things in the preceding paragraphs, and
joined me as my wife in the keeping of the promises I
made to P .  If only you had entered into 1 J.
3:15,16, 17, 18 with me for P  and her children.  We
could have ministered together to this family, could have
been used of God to mightily bless this struggling family,
for the salvation of the children, for the edification of
P  for the fulfillment of 2 Corinth. 9 for you and me.
Is it such a hard thing for a couple to take a family to
church Sunday and Wednesday?  Is it such a great
sacrifice to give 10% of my net income to the family of a
desperately needy little sister in the Lord?  Is it such a
great imposition to enable a poverty stricken family to
have a family outing to the $2 movie once a week?  Is it
such a heavy burden to help such a family with their
transportation one day a week?  Why couldn't You and I
have given P  that ride home from work on a cold and
stormy night and then go out for late night snack or park
at some romantic view on the way home to snuggle and
cuddle as young lovers?  It is a mystery to me.  Why does
the desire to help this desperate family need to result in
the death of our marriage?
        I left as you ordered and assumed that the
marriage was over because of the unilateral nature of
your actions (rejecting totally my headship in the
marriage) which, as far as I was concerned, violated and
broke our wedding covenants.  Because of our
irreconcilable differences (your rejection of my spiritual
leadership in the home, my career/work goals and
prospects, of my child rearing standards and practices,
of my vain attempts to bring the family under a working
budget, of my churches, of my mother and daughters etc.)
I believed there was no hope for the marriage-------and
we are where we are today.
       I believe that I have the absolutely right belief
about the fact that Christians couples are maritally
bound to each other until death parts them
(1Cor.7:10,11,39).  I believe  that there is not one
scripture that condemns or forbids polygyny in the whole
Bible, making it a legitimate and Biblical option for
Christians all over the earth.  I believe that many of the
ungodly divorces and remarriages among Christians
involve polygyny in their repentance and godly sorrow.  I
believe that it is a part of my ministry to teach and
share what I understand the Bible to say about the
permanence of Christian marriage and how polygyny
might be involved in the repentance of a Christian
brother whose Christian wife divorced him and caused
him to marry another Christian sister.  How?  She
divorces him according to 1 Cor. 7:10,11.  As a result he
lands us tormented and tempted according to 1 Cor.
7:4,5,9.  He accepts Christ's command to marry
(1Cor.7:4,5,9,36) a Christian sister.  Then his first wife
repents of her 1Cor.7:11 separation, or repents of her
adulterous remarriage (Mark 10:1-15) and in godly
sorrow seeks to return to the man she is bound to for
life. She is still bound to him maritally in the Lord, still
has 1 Cor. 7:3,4 authority over his body, and he must
submit and take her back (2Cor.2:5-11) making himself a
polygynist.  I believe this and have believed this years
before we married and told you this before we married.
This is my burden, my message, my ministry and you may
support me in it as a godly wife, or you may withdraw
according to 1 Cor.7:10,11.  You may not remarry because
the discussion below shows that I am not involved in or
practicing adultery, according to the Bible.
       You say that I am snared in adultery, and I say that
you are living and thinking by the paradigms of American
culture.  If you will examine the following scriptures you
will see that God's definition of adultery is not the
definition held by America, or by most Christians.
VI.  ADULTERY DEFINED,  A  SURPRISE!   ISN�T
POLYGYNY ADULTERY?
       Some say �The same laws apply to both male and
female.  This is an issue of nature, not role.  Therefore all
are equal: male and female.�  Some Bible interpreters are
more zealous for unisex doctrines and practices than the
bleeding heart liberals who encourage unisex restrooms
and coed dorms.  God made males and females very
different for a reason, and we miss the mark when we
fail to recognize the differences He made and instituted.
Mary leave/divorces Elias.  Some say that this forsaken
Elias commits adultery
when he marries Sally but the Biblical definition of
adultery>143  in Matt. 5:32 and 19:6-9; Mark 10:1-11;
Luke 16:18; 1 Thess. 4:4-6 and Romans 7:1-3>143 plainly
states the double standard in the definition of adultery.
There really are different scriptural laws for men than
for women governing marriage and remarriage, and
there are different scriptural laws for men than for
women defining adultery.

Adultery for the woman:
1. "Whoever marries a woman who is divorced commits
adultery">144.  The reason being that she is still bound to
him as wife.>145.
[Footnote: >144  Mat. 5:32; 19:9; Luke 16:18; except in the
cases of 1 Cor. 7:12-15,39; 1 Tim. 5:14.      >145.  1 Cor.
7:10, 11, 39; Romans 7:1-3. ]

2.  The husband "causes her to commit adultery" when he
divorces her for any reason other than sexual
immorality>146.   The reason being that she is still bound
to him as wife.>147       In 1 Corinth. 7:5 we see that her
husband "causes her to commit adultery"  because her
husband is failing to meet her marital needs and the
enemy of her soul tempts in her burning need. (On the
other hand:  The wife is not said to cause her husband to
commit adultery when she divorces him for any other
reason than sexual immorality.)
[Footnote: >146.  Matt. 5:32; 19:9.     >147  1 Cor. 7:10, 11,
39; Romans 7:1-3.]

3. "And if a woman divorces her husband and marries
another, she commits adultery.">148.   The adultery
consists of both divorce AND remarriage.   The reason
being that she is still bound to him as wife.>149.
[Footnotes:>148.  Mark 10:12.    >149.  1 Cor. 7:10, 11, 39;
Romans 7:1-3.]

4. "if, while her husband lives, she marries another man,
she will be called an adulteress; but if her husband dies,
she is free from that law, so that she is no adulteress,
though she has married another man.">150
[Footnote: >150.  Romans 7:3.]

Adultery for the man:
1. "Whoever marries a woman who is divorced commits
adultery", obviously because she still is bound to the
husband from whom she is divorced.
[>.^151. Mat. 5:32; 19:9; except in the cases of 1 Cor.
7:12-15,39; 1 Tim. 5:14.]

2. "Whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual
immorality, and marries another, commits adultery."
The adultery consists of divorcing his wife for something
else besides sexual immorality AND then remarrying.
On the other hand, it is implied here that if he divorces
his wife for sexual immorality and marries another, he
does not commit adultery.   His divorcing her does not
cause  her to commit adultery because she is already
immorally sexually involved with someone else.   His
refusal to meet her sexual needs (1 Cor 7:2-5) does not
cause her to be immoral because she is already being
immoral.  He is commanded not to be intimate with her
(1Cor.5:11-15) but his lack of her intimacy will cause him
to be tempted (1 Cor.7:4,5,9).  If the temptations
overcome him and he is failing to control himself, burning
with marital desire, he comes under command to marry
(1Cor.7:9,36) and so remarries in the Lord.
[Footnote: >152.  Matt 19: 9: Mark 10:11; Luke 16:18.152.
]

3. "Whoever divorces his wife and marries another
woman commits adultery against her." Mark 10:11 Pretty
clear, right?  But please note that nowhere in the Bible
does He say "Whoever remains married to his wife and
marries another woman commits adultery against her."
Why?  Remembering that when Jesus walked on earth He
Himself commanded the apostles and His disciples to
observe and obey all of the Law of Moses>a., including the
Laws about polygyny cited in the following, and that the
apostles and Jewish believers kept and observed all the
Laws given to Moses (including those about polygyny)
through the entire book of Acts>b. period up until God
released the apostles and believing Jews from the Law of
Moses in Ephesians 2 and
Colosians 2, consider the following facts:
(1) Immediately after God gave Moses the ten
commandments He gave Moses instructions for men
who have more than one wife>14. .
(2) Later He gave Moses instructions (Dt.12:1ff) for a
husband who has two wives>15. .
(3) He gave Moses specific instructions for the brother-
in-laws of a widow and did not exempt any brother who
was already married>16.  and Jesus introduced no such
exemption when He spoke of this passage>17.
(4) God Himself told polygynist King David (he had ten
+/- wives and concubines at the time>18. ) that He had
been with him wherever he had gone, that He would
make a great name for him, that his descendant would be
the Messiah>19. , and that He Himself had given David
more than one wife>20.
(5) God, who cannot sin and never portrays Himself as
sinning, portrayed Himself as the polygynist husband of
two wives in Ezekiel 23.

4. "You shall not covet your neighbor's wife.">153.    "You
shall not lie carnally with your neighbor's wife�>154.
"For this is the will of God. . . ..that no one should take
advantage of and defraud/cheat his brother in this
matter.�>155.    A genuine Christian wife is bound to her
genuine Christian husband as long as he lives and she
becomes an adulteress when she marries another while
he still lives (1 Cor.7:39).
[Footnotes:>153. Exod. 20:17.  >154. Leviticus18:20.
>155. 1 Thess. 4:3-6.]

There are two outstanding cases of God's double
standard for men and women: the first is in the matter of
separation and divorce and the second is in the matter of
remarriage.  In the first case God gives the wife
instructions not to leave her husband (1Cor.7:10) but
then, in the face of the woman's subordinate position in
marriage, grants her the second-best option of
separating from her husband-for-life (no matter what he
may say 1Cor.7:11) on the condition that she remain
celibate or be reconciled to her husband-for-life.  On the
other hand the genuinely Christian husband is told
emphatically that he must not SEND his wife AWAY,
ASK  his wife TO GO AWAY OR LEAVE,  RELEASE his
wife, AND/or  LEAVE his wife----PERIOD!!!   There are
no exceptions or qualifiers, no separation options for the
husband!!! This is the first double standard.
       Adultery for the female is sexual intimacy with
anyone else besides her own husband/mate. Adultery for
the male is when (1) he is married to a new wife and had
left/rejected/divorced his former wife in order to marry
this new wife>99 . ; or when (2) is sexually intimate with
some one else�s wife. It is this double standard that
allowed Abraham, Jacob, David and Joash to be godly
polygynists>*, but declared a woman to be an adulteress
if she was intimate
with anyone but her own mate.  It is a double standard
for the man and the woman, just like polygyny was/is a
double standard for the man and the woman.  The same
sin is defined differently for the woman and differently
for the man.  See more on this below.
[Footnotes:>99 It is  the combination of divorcing one's
mate in order to marry another and then marrying that
other. If he both dutifully keeps his own wife and then
marries another woman, it is polygyny and not adultery.
If the wife
dutifully keeps her own husband and marries another it is
adultery (Romans 7:3)  The double standard is clearly laid
out in Matt. 5:32 and 19:6-9; Mark 10:1-11; Luke 16:18; 1
Thess. 4:4-6 and Romans 7:1-3; 1 Corinth. 7:39 ]
       Yes, that�s right, there is a double standard going
all the way back to Genesis.  It was not adultery for a
married man to marry another woman free-to-marry
under the laws of God throughout the whole Old
Testament.  It was legal and divinely permitted
polygyny>* , if the scriptures  are understood correctly.
Under the same Word of God, a woman who was
sexually intimate with another besides her own husband
was an adulteress.  The double standard started in
Genesis 3:16, restated in 1 Corinth. 11 and 1 Timothy 2
appear to allow a godly man to be a polygamist but does
not allow a godly woman to be a polyandrist.
       The adultery double standard of male polygyny
seems to favor the male, while the separation double
standard of the wife�s ability to separate (remaining
chaste while the male may not separate) seems to favor
the female.  In reality, they are a God endorsed
recognitions of the difference between the roles of males
and the needs of females in marriage.

POLYGYNY A SIN????  I think not and I take my stand
with St. Augustine  (4th Century AD) who had a gentle
way of saying it that I feel more reflects the God  of Gen.
1 and 1 Cor. 13. Consider the following: �That the good
purpose of marriage, however, is better promoted by one
husband with one wife, than by a husband with several
wives, is shown plainly enough by the very first union of
a married pair, which was made by the Divine Being
Himself, with the intention of marriages taking their
beginning therefrom, and of its
affording to them a more honorable precedent. . . That
the holy fathers of olden times after Abraham, and before
him, to whom God gave His testimony that "they pleased
Him," [Heb. 11:4-6]  thus used their wives, no one who is
a Christian ought to doubt, since it was permitted to
certain individuals amongst them to have a plurality of
wives, . . . In the advance, however,  of the human race, it
came to pass that to certain good men were united a
plurality of good wives,  --- many to each; and from this
it would seem that moderation sought rather unity on
one side for dignity, while nature permitted plurality on
the other side for fecundity.  For on natural principles it is
more feasible for one to have dominion over many, than
for many to have dominion over one.�
[Footnote: >..34  2b A Select Library of the Nicene and
Post-Nicene
Fathers of The Christian Church; Vol. V; p. 267]

Consider St. Augustine�s point in the following:� . . . no
one doubts  . . . who reads with careful attention what
use they made of  their wives, at a time when also it was
allowed one man to have several, whom he had with
more chastity than any now has his one wife . . . But then
they married even several without any blame . . �>65
[Footnotes:  >..65 St. Augustin: On The Trinity; p. 406.]

"But here there is no ground for a criminal accusation: for
a plurality of wives was no crime when it was the
custom; and it is a crime now, because it is no longer the
custom.  There are sins against nature, and sins against
custom, and sins against the laws.  In which, then, of
these senses did Jacob sin in having a plurality of wives?
As regards nature, he used the women not for sensual
gratification, but for the procreation of children.  For
custom, this was the common practice at that time in
those countries.  And for the laws, no prohibition existed.
The only reason of its being a crime now to do this, is
because custom and the laws forbid it>1. . Whoever
despises>2. these restraints, even though he uses his wives
only to get children, still commits sin>3. , and does an
injury to human society itself, for the sake of which it is
that the procreation of children is required.  In the
present altered state of customs and laws, men can have
no pleasure in a plurality of wives>4. , except from an
excess of lust>5. ; and so the mistake arises of supposing
that no one could ever have had many wives but from
sensuality and the vehemence of sinful desires.  Unable to
form an idea of men whose force of mind is beyond their
conception, they compare themselves with themselves, as
the apostle says [2 Cor. x. 12], and so make mistakes.
Conscious that, in their intercourse though with one wife
only, they are often influenced by mere animal passion
instead of an intelligent motive, they think it an obvious
inference that, if the limits of moderation are  not
observed where there is only one wife, the infirmity must
be aggravated where there are more than one.">.80
[Footnote: >1.  Whose custom and whose laws?  The customs
of men and the laws of men, not the customs and
laws of God.
But God tells us to obey the law and customs of our
society (Rom.13), so in America it is illegal to
legally have
more than one wife, but today in that same
America it is not illegal, not contrary to law, for a
husband to have
a concubine (what the world would ignorantly call
a mistress or, in Calif. a "pal").
>2.  One would despise the legal restraints by
disobeying them.  There is no despising of the law
and customs of
America when one has a common-law  wife or a
concubine, because such practices are not contrary
to or in
violation of the laws and customs of America.  To
despise the monogynous marriage laws of America
by trying
to have two wives simultaneously (bigamy) is a
crime punishable under the laws of America.
>3.  It is a sin to disobey the laws of one's society
that are not in conflict with the Word of God.  It is
not in
conflict with the Word of God for America to say
that a man can legally have only one wife.  Such a
law must
be obeyed according to Rom. 13.  However there is
no American law against a husband having a
concubine, as
concubine is defined in the Bible.
>4.  A godly  man can have no pleasure in peace
before God when he disobeys God.  Since it is
against the lawsof America and so contrary to God's will in America
for a man to try to legally have more than wife, God's
chastening and the sword of God's public servants
would put a quick end to such a man's efforts to
have pleasure in illegal polygamy.   A godly  man in
America can legally have a concubine in marital
pleasure and in the blessing of God since concubinage violates
neither the laws of man nor the laws of God.
>5.  Lust, in the Word, is the desire for that  which
is forbidden by God.  Concubinage is neither forbidden by God nor
illegal in America.    To desire a concubine is not a lust, nor a desire for
that which is forbidden by God.
>80 A Select Library of the Nicene and Post-
Nicene Fathers of The Christian Church,  Vol. iv;
pp.289ff.
]

THESE are my visions, my dreams, my message, my
calling.  As your husband I am your leader under the
Lord.  It is your choice whether or not you will follow me,
whether or not you will choose to submit yourself to my
lead.  It is a decision you must make.  I wish you could
follow me.  I love you and want the very best for you.  If
you choose to follow my lead, I will rejoice and thank
God.  If you choose to exercise your second best option to
separate yourself from me, I recognize and accept your
right to do so.  I must warn you that you will not be free
to remarry as long as I live, and doing so could have the
most tragic results for you and your loved ones.
 I hope God will move you to be a Godly and submissive
wife because I love you and I want to love you in deed
and word.  I believe that God gave you to me for me to
both love and lead you.  Will you follow me? Will you let
me love you?  Or do we have even more painful lessons
to learn ahead?

Loving you, my precious and darling wife, and hurting
with you---

IV. HOW TO REDEEM UNPLANNED POLYGYNY (by C.W.)
Have you thought much about the next stage of working your marriage
problems out? If you three are going to work out a PM solution to your
problems (which I presume is what you want, otherwise you would
have
separated and gone your several ways) then there are many important
ministries which need to be brought to bear quite quickly. But of
course, you have to be 100% clear what it is everyone is choosing, even
if the heart does not agree with the mind. Remember this important
truth: the heart takes a lot longer to convert than the mind, and the
mind longer than your spirit. I repeat: the Holy Spirit (NOT your
feelings) must first bear witness to your spirit; your mind must then
reprogram its thinking to conform with the witness of the Holy Spirit,
your feelings must learn to submit to your thinking, and then, finally,
your body must submit to your feelings. That is the train of action. Try
to do it any other way round and you'll find those wagons colliding
with
each other and making a fine mess! In truth, these processes usually
occur side by side, though the general heirarchy of
Spirit>Mind>Heart>Body usually stands true. That's why I said
temporary
celibacy is important as an act of good faith on your part (the
Christian sacrifice of the head for hide bride) with BOTH brides and to
allow the Spirit greater control. The Lord will do the work and
transmute real or imagined sexual needs into other activities. That is
the discipline of Christian PM as it has been taught to us.

There's obviously alot of healing to be done and alot of trust
bridge-building. To do that a bright light needs to be shone on all your
human natures so that you can work with PM's greatest enemies --
pride
and jeolosy (which are the spirits of murder). Without these being
overcome there is little hope of any forward movement. Such a
program is
tough but absolutely necessary and has to be entered by all the parties
as equals before Christ, since the led as well as the leaders are
equally afflicted by them. If all three of you have been called to this
principle you will never know for sure until you have worked with
this
fundamental aspect of Christian discipleship -- bringing the flesh into
subjection to the Spirit (NOT repression, but control).

In B'rit Chadashah we have developed a temple ministry for the
benefit
not only of persons like yourselves but for all married persons who
wish
Christ to be an integral part of their marriage. It consists of a series
of lectures and covenants, with reviews, to check one's spiritual
progress and faithful adherence to those covenants. These are
especially
valuable for those who are already married and want to deepen their
marriage covenants with the Lord because they allow them to enjoy
the
blessedness of betrothal. It's been used and tried successfully here by
us, and we intend to use it in cultures where persons living PM are
coming out of pagan or Muslim backgrounds into a Christian one. I
know a
lady who was all messed up sexually when she cam to us; her vibrant
testimony now is that she has regained her virginity, whilst being
married! Jesus Christ purifies and restores those who are earnestly
seeking Him and who are willing to undergo the discipline of His
House:
the House of Justice and Mercy in perfect balance.

If you three are interested then we would be happy to help out.
However,
ALL three of you must agree to work on it together as a single family
UNIT. Perhaps, before then, if either of your two would like some
counsel, or even another female to talk two who has successfully lived
this principle, I can arrange that on email. Have a talk with them about
it. We would listen rather than lecture, offering counsel only as it is
asked for.

The beauty of true Marriage in Christ is that it isn't half as difficult
as it looks when you first start out. It is tough for liberal
femininists deferring headship to their husbands. But they must never
forget that the husband must defer the same headship to Christ. If it's
not as tough for the husband as it is for the wife, then something isn't
right. As anyone who has surrendered to Christ knows, though, it's
really not so bad. In fact, it's glorious, because surrender not only
enpowers you but gives you TRUE FREEDOM -- the Freedom from
want,
anxiety, mistrust, and so forth. You can live at peace with one another
and with God. Headship is not lordly dominion like some tyrant -- it is
benevolent dictatorship, full of love, self-sacrifice and yearning to
please. A man or woman who is not yearning to please the Lord can
never
find fulfilment in marriage whether MM or PM. The strifes and
anxieties
are all the product of egotism which fuels mistrust, bitterness, hatred,
jealosy and anger. You do not need me to tell you the sourse of such
things. Each moment that you are working through difficult questions,
ask yourselves, minute for minute: Who has dominion right now:
Christ,
myself, or Satan? Make the points of difference secondary to this
question all the time. This way the Holy Spirit will instruct you
Himself through each stage of the transformation process. Do it
together
-- all three of you. The husband must be calm and exercise headship
throughout -- if he can't, then a mediator is needed.

I had a couple visit me two years ago. She had all sorts of
psychological problems and was suicidal. I sat with them and she
talked,
and talked, and talked. She needed to do that. get it all out. When she
had finished, instead of giving her an in-depth Christian
psycho-analysis, which is what she expected, I said: "What are you
aware
of this very second in this room." She paused and replied: "Peace."
"What is the source of that peace," I asked? She understood that the
Holy Spirit had been present all along but instead of listening to Him
she was engrossed with herself and her problems.

You know, I didn't say a word afterwards. She went away without any
problems. There were no blinding flashes, no sudden, dramatic
healings.
What had happened was that she had entered into the realm of the
Holy
Spirit by becoming Christ-centred. Now she wasn't instantly healed of
all her problems. She had to go through a process. I have done that
with
my own family. Alot of flowery words and deep theological exercises
aren't usually needed (though they are essential to training the MIND)
-- but when it comes to the infinitely more difficult matter of healing
the HEART, then a different sort of ministry is needed.

Many years ago I was taken out of my body into heaven. There I was
taken
to a lake whose blueness was bluer than anything imaginable on earth.
I
clibed into it. I could breathe it like air and could see for miles and
miles -- it was so crystal clear. I wanted to stay in it. I understood
afterwards that this was a substance, an aspect of the Holy Spirit, like
the river that flows past the Throne of God. When we are baptised in
the
Spirit, we are literally immersed in it. It relieves all our burdens and
stresses, and gives us clarity of thought. Alas, we do not bathe in it
often enough. We yield sovereignty back to our unredeemed minds
and
hearts, stupidly trusting in them more than God's Holy Spirit, because
they are more "tangible" and "real" to us and require less effort and
time to keep in contact with. The Spirit, on the other hand, is more
like the "wind" -- you can't tie it down like you can another person. It
comes and goes as it wills. It can't be controlled. But we can invite
it, through self-surrender, contrition of heart, and earnest invitation
to the Master. And one sure way to invite it is to forget self and focus
your soul on others' needs. If you want a miracle in your family,
challenge M to think only of the needs of PD, and PD only the needs of
M. You see, they must feed each other, as you must feed them. Not
until
there is a visible unit of Christian charity and concern can Christ step
in and redeem.

Easier said than done, huh? Not really. "Journey of one thousand
miles
begins with first step", Mr. Chan said, I believe. You, Mr. Head, are
may have to let them use your "head" as a platform to walk all over for
a while. You have to get them allied to each other IN CHRIST for
EACH
OTHER'S WELFARE. Remember, that in that Spirit, there are no
heirarchies
-- no male and female, no bond and free, no black and white -- under
HIS
headship all are One, including you! Yours is merely a sub-headship!
Neither are you an intermediary between them and Christ -- we all
have
the same Head, all have the same path to salvation. Your headship is
earth-bound. The funny thing is, once your headship has been accepted
and surrendered to, you never need to use it again! The headship is a
door, not the way itself. Now here's a deep mystery! Doesn't Jesus say
that His Father is greater than Him? He certainly does! And He says
that
He learned obedience through suffering, submitting to every ordinance
and command of the Father. "I only say and do what I hear and see My
Father do!" Perfect submission. But what do we next here? We here
that
ALL AUTHORITY ON EARTH AND IN HEAVEN HAS BEEN GIVEN
THE SON. The Father
has made His Son equal by a unilateral act of declaration! Is the Son
equal to the Father? Yes! Is the Son under obedience to the Father? Yes!
Now you pick around in these scriptures for a while and you'll find
some
amazing truths about patriarchal marriage too. You see, here the Father
is the husband, and Christ is the wife. Similarly, Christ is the Husband
and the Church is the wife. Did you know that Christ has two different
categories of wives? The first He calls SERVANTS -- those who are in
submission and obedience. The second He calls FRIENDS -- bosom
companions. He called His apostles friends, didn't he? All at once? No!
But towards the end, yes, friends. And he called King David His friend
too despite all the terrible things he did to Uriah. There was a change
in relationship.

Now Patriarchal Marriage begins unequally so long as the flesh is
steering. But once the Spirit takes control, there is equality. Which do
you think Jesus cherished the most: servants or friends? You wives:
which do you think your husband cherishes the most: quarreling
fleshy
daughters of Eve or redeemed Sarah's and Ruth's? Whom did Jesus
instruct: Mary or Martha? They are types of the spirit and the flesh,
just as Sarah and Hagar were.

These scriptures contain the spirit of everlasting marriage in Christ
for those who will sup on them. The "way" is not as the world knows
marriage, but then the world's marriages are little more than licenced
harlotry, steered by unredeemed passion and turbulent feelings. The
worlds' ideals are Lois Lanes (on the +ve side -- good but emotionally
unstable) and Madonnas (on the -ve side -- pure sensuality and
devilshness). But the Lord offers a third type: Sarah, Rachel, Ruth,
Phoebe, Dorcas, and many, many other giant matriarchs of the true
faith.
And on the male side: Superman (decent but liberal and wholly
unrealistic) and Alice Cooper (devilish pop star), with the third:
Abraham, Isaac, Jacob, David, Peter, Paul...and the Saviour Himself.

We must choose our ideals. Unfortunately most Christians go in
compromise with mythological supermen and cranky Lois Lanes. Now
Patriarchal Marriage gives you only two choices -- heaven or hell -- the
way of Christ or the ways of others like Brigham Young, Mohammed
&c..
And the heavenly way is so strait and narrow that only one person can
squeeze along that way at a time. But, O, the rewards along the way,
and
the great consuming reward at the end, no man or woman can tell!

I know the circumstances you
find yourself in are a great trial to you at the present and that you
are longing to "come out of the dark corridor". No matter what your
trials and no matter who is responsible, remember these things:

(1) God never takes us beyond what we are able to endure;
(2) The dark night of trial and suffering DOES come to an end;
(3) All things work to the good for those who trust and love the Lord;
(4) No matter what mistakes a person has made, God in His providence
can
turn any mistake into a success, and any defeat into a victory;
(5) There is a purpose for everything, the good as well as the bad;
(6) The apparent senselessness of the present will, after the trial has
passed, reveal a divine purpose for ALL concerned;
(7) No-one in any inter-personal conflict is wholly innocent;
(8) We must arise ABOVE conflict situations and see the greater
picture.

When two people are disagreed, especially within a marriage context
where the roots of intimacy go deeper than in any other human
relationship, great sensitivity and sacrifice are required on the part
of all.

For progress to be made,

(A) All the ground must be found for agreement wherever it exists,
and a
couple must build up from THAT;
(B) If the couple are to trust understand one another, they must SWAP
POSITIONS, in other words, (i) you must put yourself in your
husband's
position and DEFEND HIS POSITION to the best of your ability, and (ii)
your husband must put himself in your position and DEFEND YOUR
POSITION
to the best of his ability. This is not a comment on who is right or
wrong but an exercise in sensitivity and understanding. Jesus placed
Himself in our position as fallen men and women and made
atonement
(at-one-ment), meaning He EMPATHISED and IDENTIFIED Himself
with it,
even if He was revolved by the sin He immersed Himself in. As
Christians
we are saviours on Mount Zion (see Zechariah), meaning, we must
empathise/identify with fallen man's position through an empatheic
relationship, for it is only in building this bridge that the grace of
Christ can flow, heal, reconcile and restore;
(C) Only when you are fully able to mutually surrender your own wills
to
one another FOR THE SAKE OF LOVE will the restorative work of the
Holy
Spirit begin. By this means the Spirit of Truth will reveal the Truth.

You are absolutely right when you say that a husband must be a head
Christian (male principle) as well as a heart Christian (female
principle), but the reverse is also true. It is hard for men to be
taught in matters of the heart -- it does not come naturally to them.
Likewise, it is hard for women to be taught in matters of the mind and
will -- it does not come naturally to them. The two are not opposed to
one another but are complimentary. In Hebrew there was no word for
"mind"; the Hebrew 'lev' (heart) meant heart and mind.
Unfortunately, in
our secular Western society, which is highly rationalistic and
'scientific', the two have become separatd and estranged. Thought and
feeling are no longer one. Through Christ, though, it can and does
happen.

There are far too many male Christians who are so absorbed with the
'mental' Word that they have lost touch with the 'feeling' Word.
Similarly, there are far too many female Christians who are entirely
feeling-based and do not think rationally. This is something you two
will need to explore together.

From a purely mental, logical, rationalistic, thinking, legalistic
standpoint, what your husband is doing is not wrong. Polygamy IS of
God.
How he entered it, how he treated your feelings, could very well be
wrong. I am only briefly acquainted with your story from the e-mail
that
was sent me (which in my opinion was far too open to strangers) is that
your husband has entered a correct principle in entirely the wrong way.
From a purely legalistic, biblical point-of-view what he has done is
within God's Law. There is no doubt about that. That does not,
however,
necessarily mean that what he did is right in terms of his relationship
to you. Unfortunately I do not know too much about his childhood or
him
as a personality so I am hestitant to pass any sort of judgment. I don't
know too much about you either, though I would love to get to know
all
three of you. I am actually sympathetic to both of you. What we have is
a mess! No doubt about that. But we also have a Saviour who clears up
messes.

My first advice is that you must start on the mental level -- you must
find out what the Word says and ignore all traditions that go against it
and all opinions of well-meaning Christians who love their traditions
more than God's Word. In other words, you are going to have to place
yourself in a mental world view EVEN IF YOUR HEART IS
SCREAMING OUT THE
OPPOSITE. And you must not look for rationalisations or scriptures
taken
out of context which you wish to use merely to justify how you feel. (I
am not quoting scriptures here because I assume you are acquainted
with
them, like "the heart is desperately wicked", etc.).

My second advice is that your husband has got to enter your emotional
world fully and understand and empathise fully how you feel. He has
got
to understand that the Law of God was not given to trample on feelings
but to bring them into allignment with pure truth. It is right to go to
the Word to define the vessel, but one must enter into the Spirit in
order to fill that vessel with love.

I would like to put myself in both your situations though I know that I
can only do that to a limited extent. I don't want to make any false
assumptions and end up misrepresenting either of you. From my point
of
view, as a comparaitive stranger, you are precious children of God, and
I desire to help you as best I can in His grace.

The hardest step that you will have to make is to place yourself in your
husband's second wife's (or how ever you wish to view her) position
and
she in yours. Whether you like it or not, your husband has united his
spirit to hers and yours and his identify is defined by both of yours.
Whenever he interacts spiritually with you he brings his other with
him,
and whenever he interacts with her he brings yours with him too.
Even
though such a thought may be appalling to you right now (you must
correct me if I am wrong at any point in what I say) it is a reality.

Christ has idetified with every living soul, past and present. He has
entered into the world of every man and woman, saint and sinner
alike,
and become one with them. The experience made him bleed from
every pore
of his body. I say this to you so that you may know that what I am
asking you to do is no more than what Christ has done, though orders
of
magnitude beneath it. There is a reality which you find yourself in
which your soul is rebelling against. I understand that. I know, because
my first wife committed adultery, and my soul was ripped apart into
shreds inside. I also have a tiny idea of what Christ experienced. I
will tell you the story of this.

Years ago when I was not a member of any particular church I was
investigating the Moonies, one of the most insiduous cults there is. A
friend of mine was a student at Oxford studying to be a physician. He
became a Moonie and was completely brainwahed by them into
abandoning
his education and eventual career. I was heartbroken about it and went
to the Lord in prayer one night to pray for my friend. My doctrine
wasn't too straight at that time as I was investigating many different
groups, and I had learned from the Moonies that we were joint atoners
with Christ. Though I shudder at what I did now, I know I was
ignorant
and well-intentioned. In any case, I learned an important lesson. I
asked the Lord: "Please, if I can help Andrew in any way, let me bear
some of his sins so that he can be free." The Lord granted my request in
one of the most horrifying experiences of my life. He literally placed
my friend's sins on me. After no more than two seconds I was begging
the
Lord to take it away -- the agony was terrible. He did. Thereafter I
appreciated what the atonement really meant -- if I, a mortal, could not
bear one man's sins for more than two seconds, what, then, did the
Saviour of the world experience in all those long hours when he bore
the
sins of ALL MANKIND!!! No man can answer that question!

I say this merely to point out that what you are experiencing Christ
understands and knows 100%: He understands your situation so
thoroughly
that He knows the instant solution and is willing to grant the power to
you, by grace, for both of you to be reconciled and at peace -- in deep
and abiding love.

In my experience in these matters you are both going to have to make
sacrifices in ways neither of you can possibly understand yet, and that
if you follow the Lord's program of healing and reconciliation, placing
your hearts and minds in submission to His, you will both emerge -- all
three of you, in fact -- as new and glorious creatures in Him.

I am not, however, your guru, and cannot give you the formula. I can
only point you along the way and thereafter it is between you three and
the Lord. In order for you to succeed you are both going to have to be
able to confess that your spouse is right and you are wrong no matter
how loudly your minds or hearts may protest. This is not to say that
one
or either of you is right or wrong at this very moment -- but it is to
say that you must be willing to lay down your wills in His even if it
seems crazy -- as Abraham felt when he was told to sacrifice Isaac - try
to imagine his feelings! But be careful -- don't go thinking to
yourself: "OK. I'll agree that my husband can have his second wife, but
in the end the Lord will say that they must separate as a trial of my
faith." Because in every believer's Abrahamic trial of faith WE NEVER
KNOW THE OUTCOME BEFOREHAND. Your Abrahamic act of faith
will be
different from mine, and vice versa.

What we are talking about here us living in the Spirit of revelation --
of direct communion with the Lord. It is a hard discipline. Many
Christians, if not the vast majority who believe in these things,
naEFvely think that the path of discipleship is easy. It isn't. But it's
infinitely worth it after the "birth pains" are over.

This is your grand opportunity to allow the Lord to do a marvelous
work
and a wonder in your life. It is at such times that the Lord can effect
the greatest growth in us if we will let Him. We are commanded by the
apostle Paul to "thank God in ALL THINGS". Have you tried to thank
the
Lord for this situation, confusing and heart-wrenching though it may
feel? If not, you are not properly submitted. Remember, this is not a
judgment as to what is right or wrong, but a self-questionnaire to
yourself: am I living in the grace of Christ inspite of my suffering?
Has this situation, which I don't understand, in any way destroyed the
love in my heart and my peace and freedom in Christ, or am I so
utterly
and absolutely absorbed in the storm that I have lost my First Love, the
Lord, in whole or in part? Only you can answer that question.

I know that analysing plural marriage or monogamy is not best done in
such situations because the heart is terribly biased and will seize on
ANY excuse, especially the misconduct of those who may abuse the
principle, in order to attack it. However, the principle, as with all of
God's law, lies far above out fleshy worries and perplexities. God's Law
is eternally Law. But it is more than that. Whatever is of God is good
and lovely. Whatever is of God is praiseworthy, even his rebuke and
chastisement. All that He is, and does, is rooted in, and surrounded by,
love, even if we cannot see it in the turbulent waves of our feelings.

There is no love without suffering. But there is peace for those who
find the kernel of the truth. Now you in the United States are familiar
with tornadoes and cyclones ("twisters") -- they are fearful things. But
in the centre there is complete peace. As Christians we are living
twisters -- if we stay in Christ, we are in the centre, and are at
peace. If we are only half in Christ, we are in the fiercest part of the
destruction. And if we are outside Him we are far away altogether.

It is the same with a flame. Flames are hot! But in the centre it is
cool! Our God is an all-consuming fire, but those who are centred in
Him
are not burned. It is those who are on the outside who are burned.

The last time I wrote to your husband I tried to hint to him that what
you both needed to do was take a close look at the demon called Pride.
In my experience the heart of both your problems lies with an age-old
human problem -- our unwillingness to concede sovereignty to God
because
of pride. We want to control and manipulate because we suppose that
will
give us security and happiness. And it's amazing how we employ God
in
order to justify ourselves! We're actually quite brilliant at using
scriptures to defend ourselves and at ignoring those which condemn
us.

For you two I suspect that the real struggle has not yet begun. Up until
now it has been a ping-pong (table tennis) match of scripture throwing.
I don't know but I can guess! We amass our collection of scriptures to
justify our wants without ever really getting to the needs.

Marilyn, you're going to have to come and love the Law of Plural
Marriage, as you do the Law of Monogamy, whether or not you are
called
into it (I make no judgment) because it is God's Law. And your
husband
is going to have to do some similar things. The point is, the revolution
is just about to begin! Of course, you both have the freedom, as agents,
to withdraw from the challenge, just as Jesus gave the Samaritan
woman
every opportunity to leave His presence whenever she wanted to.

God is merciful to both of you. There is a plan of redemption for your
family waiting to be unfurled. It's really just a question of whether
you two will grasp it or continue with your Mexican stand-off. And
none
of us down here knows the final outcome.

I know you both love the Lord; and because you do, "all things will
work" out for you, if you carry on trusting. But some personal gods
must
die. They are the real enemies of your marriage.

Chris Warren
Pastor, B'rit Chadashah, Pb 48, N-1591 SPERREBOTN, Norway

>1.  As defined by the Greek English Lexicons of
Arndt and  Gingrich and of G. Thayer.
>2.  As defined by the Greek English Lexicons of
Arndt and  Gingrich and of G. Thayer.
>3.  As defined by the Greek English Lexicons of
Arndt and  Gingrich and of G. Thayer.
>4. As defined by the Greek English Lexicons of
Arndt and  Gingrich and of G. Thayer.

>5.  As defined by the Greek English Lexicons of
Arndt and  Gingrich and of G. Thayer.
>6.  As defined by the Greek English Lexicons of
Arndt and  Gingrich and of G. Thayer.
>7.  As defined by the Greek English Lexicons of
Arndt and  Gingrich and of G. Thayer.
>8. As defined by the Greek English Lexicons of
Arndt and  Gingrich and of G. Thayer.
>9. As defined by the Greek English Lexicons of
Arndt and  Gingrich and of G. Thayer.
>10.  As defined by the Greek English Lexicons of
Arndt and  Gingrich and of G. Thayer.
>11.  As defined by the Greek English Lexicons of
Arndt and  Gingrich and of G. Thayer.
>12.  As defined by the Greek English Lexicons of
Arndt and  Gingrich and of G. Thayer.
>13. As defined by the Greek English Lexicons of
Arndt and  Gingrich and of G. Thayer.
>a.  Matthew 23:1-3
>b.  In Matthew 23:1-3 Jesus commands obedience
to the Laws give n to Moses.  In Acts 15 the
believing  non-Jews, not the believing Jews, were
released from the Laws given to Moses.  In Acts
21:15-25 we see the Jewish apostle Paul and the
surviving apostles still obeying the Law of Moses
in obedience to Christ in Matt. 23:1-3.
>14.  Exodus 21:7-11 (See Hosea 3:2; Deut. 25:5-10;
Lev. 19:20)
>15.  Deut. 21:15-17 (See 2 ChR . 24:3; Gen. 29:33; 1
ChR .5:2; 26:10; 2 Kings 2:9)
>16.  Deut. 25:5-10
>17.  Matt. 22:23-25; Mark 12:18-20; Luke 20:27-
29
>18.  2 Samuel 5:13; 6:12-23
>19. 2 Samuel 7:8-17
>20.  2 Samuel 12:8 ; that this did not mean
platonic care is evident from 1 Kings 1:1-3; 2:13-
25.



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>1. Lee speaking here: Some may ask "What about the widow who
remarried n�merous times, as her husbands
died, before she died?"  Will she have "that sacred, intimate love" with
each of her husbands in heaven?
Will those husbands have "that sacred, intimate love" for all of their
wives in heaven, even though their
wives remarried after they died?  Doesn't that mean that a wife, after
the resurrection and after receiving her
for ever body to minister with Christ on earth during his 1000 year
reign (Rev.21) on earth, ----that a wife
would have that "that sacred, intimate love" for each of the spiritually
lawful husbands she had on earth just
as the polygynous husband would have "that sacred, intimate love" for
each of his wives he had while alive
on earth?
      I admit that I am a bit weird, but I dearly love each of the wives I
have had in my life so far on earth, even
the dead one, the two that have gone on and remarried others, and my
present ones.  Each one is still precious to
me and I labor in prayer for them.  Each time I see them (picture etc.)
the love comes flooding back for them.
We will be capable of so much more love, unselfish and unconditional
cherishing, in our resurrected bodies than
we are now that it will be easy to agap� Love each one.  Since there will
be no sexual activity in our resurrected
bodies, I, weird as I am, would have no problem if a wife of mine, who
remarried after my death on earth, was
also spiritually cherished in "that sacred, intimate love" by her other
husband.  I hope that he and I would be
bonded in the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace in Christ Jesus, as
David and Jonathon.  I love my wives
and the more spiritual agap� Love bestowed on them the better I feel,
even if it were to be from someone she
married after I left her widow.  There would be no sexual intimacy in
our resurrected bodies, but I believe the
other loves (philadelphia affectionate love and agap� Love) would flow
freer and more fully than they could
have ever flowed on earth in our natural bodies.    I see no problem
sharing "that sacred, intimate love" with
my wives, and the men they married after I widowed them.  I trust that
those other men and I will have even a
deeper and more precious bond becuase we unselfishly and
unconditionally cherish the same precious woman.
Remember Psalm 133?  That is where He commands the blessing!

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