MARRIAGE, POLYGYNY/POLYGAMY AND ADDICTIVE
BEHAVIORS.
@ R. TYLER, June 1998
[email protected]
� AM I A RELATIONSHIP ADDICT?
� AM I A LOVE ADDICT?
� AM I A ROMANCE ADDICT?
� AM I A CODEPENDENT ADDICT?
� AM I A CO-ADDICT? See page 2(?)
� CHECK OFF LIST WHEN THE RELATIONSHIP ADDICTION/NEED
HAS SEXUAL OVERTONES. p. 6(?)
� Overcoming a Pornography or Fantasy Addiction. p. 9(?)
� A CHECK OFF LIST WHEN THE CO-ADDICT�S, THE VICTIM�S,
RELATIONSHIP ADDICTION/ NEED HAS SEXUAL OVERTONES.
p.16(?)
� S-ANON INTERNATIONAL FAMILY GROUPS p.20(?)
���MARRIAGE, POLYGYNY/POLYGAMY AND ADDICTIVE
BEHAVIORS.
Polygamy and relationship/sexual addiction seem like natural
partners.Believing that polygyny/polygamy is moral,
legitimate, Biblical and Spiritual can set one up for addictive
and codependent behaviors if that one has not carefully
examined oneself to make sure that the motives are right and
the leading is from the Spirit, and not the flesh. For an
American male raised in a promiscuous society or on
pornography, polygamy would sound like heaven on earth.
Pornography and promiscuity conditions the mind to feel
strong burning desire for more than one woman at a time. It
conditions a person to feel intense and powerful desire and
ecstasy about another person without having any real
relationship with that person, without unselfishly and
compassionately cherishing them. It bonds the emotions and
mind of the man to more than one woman so that he has
GREAT difficulty bonding/cleaving/uniting with only one
woman. It conditions one to use another.
A believer saved from pornography and promiscuity may still
unconsciously think the old ways, feel about himself according
to the old ways, feel about others the old way, relate to others
the old way, all without using pornography or being
promiscuous. A believer saved from a life of addiction or
addictive behaviors can still think like an addict though not
using the addictive substance/people. A believer saved from a
sick and abusive home or marriage or relationship can still
think the way they thought when in those relationships. That
is why the renewal of the mind in Christ (Romans 12:1,2) is so
very important. Many of us have grown up not knowing that
the way we think is damaged, crippling and harmful. Many of
us think that the way we think is normal and good enough
because it is all we have known until we met Christ and He
saved us and began cleaning us up with His Word by the Spirit
to be with Him. We haven�t yet learned what it means to bring
every thought into captivity to Christ, to acknowledge Him in
all our ways, and to not lean/rely on our own understanding.
Whether in a polygynous relationship or in a monogynous
relationship, stinkin� thinkin� on the part of a discipled believer
in Christ can cause much grief, great misunderstandings and
many unnecessary marital problems. This document is an
attempt to alert you to the �old man� that may still be lurking
about inside of you, to enable you to examine yourself and
your motives, to help you see if there are things you need to
fast and pray about, seeking the Lord�s deliverance. Be honest
because it is your life and your heart you are dealing with.
When in doubt, assume that the trait fits you, since most of us
are pretty good at denial and self-justification. Many of these
traits are not sinful in and of themselves, but they are certainly
crippling and they are like flies in the ointment of your
spiritual experience. Examine yourself and talk over with Jesus
what you find out about yourself.
The following is adapted from Lovenet on the Web 1998.
Check off the items that apply to you and then meditate on
what it means for you.
___I. I often complained about dating jerks or losers that I
used or that I let use me. Sometimes I fell in love with
unavailable people, and yearned for something I did not have.
Sometimes I put so much hope into my relationships that I was
devastated when they ended. I found myself repeating this
behavior in painful and unhappy relationships, and realized I
need to take a deeper look at my own motives.
___II. I recognized in myself behavior, or a state of mind, that
kept me from living a healthy and normally independent life
because I felt compelled to take care of, to control, or to please
the people and/or situations around me. I recognized that I
was �codependent�.
___III. I realize that I was excessively dependent on another
person, where my life was so involved in the life of another
person it seemed that I didn�t have a life of my own, and I felt
compelled stay focused on and absorbed with the life
of that other person. I realize that I had a relationship
addiction.
�Many relationship addicts, unless they are in unbearable
pain, will never even know they have a problem. This form of
addiction is almost always unrecognized. In our society we
love songs of obsessive love. Our movies and soap operas are
full of people who are consumed with dysfunctional
relationships. We have so many examples in media that would
indicate that love is painful and exhausting. While it makes for
good entertainment, healthy long term relationships are not
full of games, insecurities and drama.�
�* A Love addict is essentially a codependent, but a
codependent is not always a love addict.
* Romance addicts often have unrealistic expectations
of a relationship, they may demand constant
attention or no conflict.
* Codependents and addicts usually neglect themselves
while they are in relationships.�
�For those of you frustrated with your relationships, check
out the descriptions below. Keep in mind that this is an
introduction to a very real problem. Like anything else there
are degree's of intensity. We urge you to seek out additional
information before drawing any conclusions about yourself or
someone you know.�
�Anne Wilson Schaef, best-selling author of The
Addictive Organization and Escape from Intimacy is a leading
authority on codependency. She has listed the skill's
people use to form what she calls (addictive) pseudo-
relationships See if you recognize any of these
"skills" as your own.�
It is wise and helpful to have all parties involved do this, but
do it separately and privately first, and then come together and
discuss what has been learned. This is her list modified for
personal inventory:
___1. I am able to establish �Instant� intimacy
___2. I am able to listen even when not interested or involved
in what the other person is saying
___3.I am able consistently to lay aside my own needs for the
sake of the �Relationship�
___4. I know how to take care of the other person and quickly
move in to meet his or her needs
___5. I know both how to foster dependency and how to attach
to the other in a dependent way
___6. I know how to compromise my personal needs, values,
ethics or morality for the relationship (including family,
children, and my own work)
___7. I have the ability quickly to recognize a Cosmic mate or a
Special connection
___8. I am able instantly to share secrets and pour out my life
story.
___9. I am able to have an instant physical or sexual attraction
to another person.
___10. I am able to fit the other person into my romantic
fantasies and/or exotic situations
___11. I am able to form a connection with another and not
know how to be friends
___12. I am able to establish an immediate intensity or �high�
(being in love with someone) and allow that high to interfere
with daily life
___13. I can feel as though the "relationship" has me in its
grip, has taken over my life, and I am able to give myself over
to that feeling
___14. I have the skills (imagined or real) and desire to "save"
the other person from the life he or she has constructed
___15. I can be willing to use the other person to escape the
life I have constructed for myself
___16. I can define everything in my existence in terms of the
relationship(s) and make the relationship(s) "central" to my life
___17. I am able to ignore other facets of both lives involved,
for the sake of the relationship
___18. I have the ability (real or imagined) to "make others
feel alive"
___19. I am able to attract others to myself, that is, to
emphasize physical appearance, like dressing and fixing myself
up to attract others
___20. I am able to ignore aspects of the person I do not
trust or like for the sake of the relationship.
___21. I am able to ignore unshared values, hopes and fears
and see the other only through the eyes of illusion
___22. I am able to accept blame and fault for anything that
goes wrong in the relationship, whether or not it was my fault.
___23. I am able to "hang in there" for the relationship much
past the point of sanity or safety.
___24. I have the ability to "enter into the other�s world
completely" and become unaware of �my world�
___25. I know how to use the "skills" of communication to form
immediate relationships, the skills being much more important
than being fully present to the other person
___25. I am able to use manipulation and impression
management to try to be what the other wants in order to
"hook" the other into the relationship
___26. I have the ability to attach myself to people who
like/ pursue me first, or to let myself get �caught� by them.
___27. I have the ability to use "honesty" as a con, to draw the
other into a relationship with me
___28. I have the ability to use my intuition to explain or
"understand" the other
___29. I have developed the skills and uses of seduction,
flirtation and titillation to a fine art
___30. I have the skill to look intimately involved while
keeping safely hidden behind my emotional wall
___31. I have learned to interpret intensity as love and,
therefore, to assume that when I feel intensely about
someone what I am feeling is �love�
___32. I have the ability to lose my boundaries (of right and
wrong, or good and bad) in the relationship
___33. I am able to suffer endlessly (or so it seems) for the
relationship without considering whether or not such suffering
is wise, justified or reasonable.
___34. I am able to gaze lovingly into the other�s eyes with a
pathetic and needy look resembling a dying calf in quicksand,
appealing to the rescuer in the other.
Despite the fact that these behaviors look as if you are
actively pursuing love and romance, the true Love addict is
deeply afraid that someone will get too close to them. Because
these "skills" avoid intimacy. They keep people away!
"We have been taught that these skills lead to
relationships when, in fact, they lead one
into addictive pseudo-relationships."
These have been adapted from the book Escape from Intimacy
by Anne Wilson Schaeff, Harper & Row
1989. page 103-105
The preceding was adapted from Lovenet 1998.
Many of these codependent behaviors are natural and
healthy motivation and inspiration is right. Anyone who
believes in loving, caring for and nurturing others will find
themselves in many of the descriptions above. Remember
1 Corinthians 13. Loving , caring and nurturing with God�s
unselfish and compassionate cherishing is a tinkling bell etc.
This is a serious problem, and if you find that over a third of
the above describe you, it is time for courageous self
examination and a zealous seeking of help and answers. Jesus�
good news is that He in you can overcome addictions and
dependencies to enjoy healthy and happy relationships.
� CHECK OFF LIST WHEN THE RELATIONSHIP ADDICTION/NEED
HAS SEXUAL OVERTONES. ADAPTED FROM New Life Ministries.
___1. I might have experienced some type of childhood abuse:
e.g. I may have been yelled at, laughed at, told I was worthless
or stupid or ugly, or responsible for everything wrong in the
family. I may now recognize this as emotional abuse.
___2. I might have been neglected, minimized or overlooked.
This is emotional abandonment.
___3. I might have been slapped, beaten, knocked down, or
struck with objects. This is physical abuse.
___4. I might have been touched, pawed, and coerced or forced
into sexual activities. This is sexual abuse.
___5. Whatever abuses I suffered I learned that to survive I
had to find a way to not feel the overwhelming and unbearable
pain that I was experiencing.
___6. As a child I interpreted the abuses I experienced as
justified. I believed that I was at fault for what had happened
to me. Unconsciously I knew that I was somehow defective,
that I was different from other human beings and not "normal."
___7. I have always been aware that I was alone. Instinctively
I built walls around my heart.
___8. One of the walls I built around my heart may have been
the magical wall of the Fantasy and Desire of the Forbidden.
�This Fantasy and Desire of the Forbidden is a magical wall in
that it gives the illusion of connection with others. It is
transparent. I can see people on the other side and I can
pretend that I am connecting with them, laughing, joking,
living, sharing, but all the while there is this wall which
deadens their voices so I can barely hear a sound, and distorts
their faces ever so slightly - or greatly - and absolutely ensures
that they will never harm me because they can not touch my
heart and soul. So I feel safe, but I remain alone inside my
prison.�
___9. �Sex with myself or with others gave me the illusion of
acceptance and thus the "cure" to my worthlessness. I became
addicted to the "cure." I needed a constant supply of sexual
activity to stay "cured." So I used others for sex instead of
having relationships, or I bought my "cure" through magazines,
or prostitutes, or I sold/bartered/rented my body to others,
or I self-stimulate-to-orgasm, but always I fantasized and
desired the forbidden. To fantasize and desire the forbidden
was to be alive, and not feel alone.�
___10. Fantasy and desire of the forbidden had become one of
the most important thing in my life. Sometimes I felt as if I
were willing to risk and lose everything to get and keep it. It
promises to connect me with others and make me whole. But it
never does.
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Overcoming a Pornography or Fantasy Addiction
------------------------------------------------------------------
Although the word �pornography� originally meant pictures or
representations of whores/harlots/adulteresses, for this
consideration it does not mean only that. It also includes
pictures or representations of women/girls, though not
whores/harlots/adulteresses, who are thought of as whores/
harlots/adulteresses by one who looks at them with the desire
for that which is forbidden by God, with the desire to do that
which is forbidden by God, and/or using one�s imagination to
do with them what one does with whores/harlots/prostitutes.
For a man it could be pictures of girls in their bathing suits at
last weeks church beach party, or at the pool party they had
after the last baptismal service. For a boy it could be the
underwear ads in the Sears Catalog, or a National Geographic
article on the semi nude Indians of the Amazon.
Again there is no dispute that pornography is pictures/tapes
etc. of whores, harlots, prostitutes, adulteresses --- of any
woman having sexual/genital intimacy with a man she is not
married to according to the Word of God ---- whether or not
she is fully clothed or presented totally naked and having sex.
Yet one must realize that the heart is deceitfully wicked and
can make pornographic a picture of a girl praying in her
bathing suit at a church beach party --- by what is in the
beholders mind. The girl is not evil, but what the beholder is
thinking and fantasizing could be very evil.
This means that pictures of topless African women in church in
Africa, that pictures of topless and semi-nude Amazonian
women in prayer in their village, that a woman in church who
uncovers her breast to breast feed her infant, that none of
these are in and of themselves pornography or evil. But
the evil heart of humans can make such pictures pornographic
for the individual if the individual uses those pictures to desire
or fantasize that which is forbidden by God. It is understood
that women are not to stumble their brothers in Christ, so a
sister might be asked not to breast feed her baby in church
because the brothers can�t handle it. But poor people, Asians,
Africans, and Amazonians are just living their daily lives
according to their culture. As long as they meet God�s
minimum requirement, keeping the loins and genitals covered
when in public and when not alone with your mate, they are
not being lewd or sinful, since they are not violating scripture.
The pastor of a large East African congregation was approached
by the Western Caucasian missionaries, who asked him to have
the women of the church cover their breasts in church and
when in public about town, because it was tempting and
stumbling some of the missionaries. The pastor and the elders
responded that in their culture the only women who wore bras
or blouses were prostitutes and that was their public sign that
they were available for prostitution. The pastor and the elders
informed that they would not let their women dress as
prostitutes out of respect for them and concern for their
testimony for Christ. They asked that the missionaries who
couldn�t handle it be reassigned to a mission field with which
they could cope. The rule is Romans chapters 8, 14 and 15.
Pornography is a common addiction. The brief pleasure that
comes with pornography, fantasies, and masturbation is chosen
instead of the difficult task of building relationships in the
real world . Sex addiction avoids pain and deadens feelings
instead of allowing one to find real satisfaction and
contentment. The addiction of pornography must be dealt with
in two ways.
First, agree with God that sex addiction is a sin, a falling short
of His righteousness, and call on Jesus to enable you to stop.
This decision and cry for His help is the beginning of the
healing process and deliverance from a hurtful addiction.
Find someone, a friend or a counselor, that you have good
reason to trust and who is led to be trustworthy to you, and
ask that person to be your accountability partner.
You have to be able to be embarrassingly open and honest with
this person with no secrets. You may even have to fast and
pray for such a person. I found mine through the net by email,
and I give my accounting to him speaking about myself in the
third person using a nickname to ensure privacy. It is wise to
choose a person who could not cause you great loss or hurt if
that person failed your confidentiality, an anonymous sponsor
for example. A person who has been struggling successfully
with the same problem and know to you in a support group
could be a good contact. Give an accounting at least once a
week. Hearing your partners responses helps you realize what
God might be wanting you to hear Him say to you. He should
also be your prayer partner and compassionately edify you.
Another strategy when tempted is to get involved in a physical
exercise or activity and stay in it until you are so exhausted
that you wont have the energy to act on the temptation.
This doesn�t work well in the middle of the night before a big
day at the office.
Get rid of all that is pornographic to you, all that you are using
as pornography to mentally do that which is forbidden by God,
even if it is Newsweek or Life magazines. Get rid of the TV
cable service that would allow you to get porn on the screen.
Get an internet server that excludes for you all porn sites.
Avoid those places where you will be exposed to or encounter
what is pornographic to you. If you have to deal with and
enter a retailer who has pornography for sale, then get
someone to go in with you, or tell your accountability partner
you are going and report back what happened when you went.
Join recovery groups, support groups or loving and caring
fellowship groups with people you can be open with and share
your feelings and needs in prayer, testimonies, and prayer
requests. Seek out real life relationships with real people who
are committed to Loving God and Compassionately cherishing
their brethren in church, even if you have to change churches
or spend several months looking for such a church.
A pornography addict needs to realize that he/she does not
have the gift of celibacy, that marriage is a significant part of
the solution (1 Corinth 7:1,2,5,9,36; 1 Thes. 4:1-10). A
pornography addict needs to fast and pray for his marriage and
the marriage partner of God�s choosing. A pornography needs
to diligently study and learn how to really love and cherish a
woman and how to meet her needs so that she will love him
enough to meet his needs.
A pornography addict needs to study diligently to see what God
thinks of him/her and how God unselfishly and
compassionately cherishes him/her. The addict needs to see
that it was God who designed sex and wants us to enjoy it
ecstatically with our God given mate. The addict and his/her
mate need to give their sexuality to God as a living sacrifice for
Him to use it in their marriage to minister to each others needs.
Go to an endocrinologist,if possible, and ask him/her to check
your testosterone levels and if they are abnormally high, ask if
there is some medical way to lower the level into the low-
normal range. My endocrinologists told me that I had only
certain choices to deal with my testosterone driven sexuality
and sexual burning. They told me I could:
1. Come to the office and have my prostrate emptied by rectal
massage twice a week [at a prohibitive cost not covered by
insurance] or find an old and unattractive nurse to do it at a
fraction of the cost, or
2. Get married and have climactic sex several times a week or
as often as needed, which is a great idea but it isn�t something
you can do successfully and quickly like buying a new car.
3. Be promiscuous, having climactic sex with as many partners
as frequently as necessary to relieve the pressure and burning
-- which was not an option for me as a child of God.
4. Become homosexual and be the object of much anal sex, thus
massaging the prostrate to empty --- which was not an option
for me as a child of God.
5. If you don�t have frequent nocturnal emission, self-stimulate
frequently since self-stimulation rarely empties the prostrate
as well as coition, vaginal penetration.
This is a mine field because the largest sex organ, the brain, is
so involved. Self-stimulation is never called or labeled as sin in
the Bible, but if it involves evil imaginations and fantasies, then
it is clearly sin.If it becomes a feel good self-centered love
affair with one�s own self, it is a sin because God designed sex
to be a union of male and female, otherwise Adam really didn�t
need Eve. If it is done without thinking of that which is evil,
without desiring that which is forbidden, without self-centered
and selfish fixation of self gratification, then there is no
scripture or clear and explicit Word of God about it. Sometimes
mates who are separated feel they have no other choice but to
self-stimulate imaging and remembering their lovemaking with
their mates. I know of no such scripture against such a
temporary activity on the part of a separated husband and
wife.
Some are able to bring themselves to orgasm just by the good
physical feeling of the experience. These people can transfer
the experience to marital intimacy rather easily, still just
focused on the feeling. Some have used mind control to avoid
evil imagination and desiring the forbidden, by letting
themselves think only of the overall beauty of the woman, the
attractiveness of the not forbidden parts of her body (face,
hair, neck, arms, legs, back etc.) to bring themselves to orgasm
when not married, to find release from the testosterone frenzy
they are experiencing. The problem with such mind control,
which involves being very careful to think of doing nothing
with the woman�s breasts, loins and genital (Ezekiel chaps 16
& 23 with Prov. 5), is that when one finally does marry, he
may have great difficulty letting his mind focus on the breasts
and genitals of his marital partner. It also means the beauty of
other women is burned and bonded into one�s memory and
they can come back to haunt and distract when trying to
sexually connect with your marriage partner.
People who use dildoes or �love dolls� run into similar
problems. While there is no scripture against using such
substitutes in the absence of your mate, or the absence of a
mate, if the thoughts and imaginations are kept free from the
desire and imagining of the forbidden (for the woman, action
on her breasts and genitals by someone other than her mate
according to the Word of God; for the man, action of the breasts
and/or genitals of someone who is not his mate according to
the Word of God), the use of such things requires as much care
as negotiating a mental mine field. The woman can get so
attached to the dildoe she would need her husband to use it on
her as she had used it on herself before they married. The
man can get so attached to a �love doll� that he treats it as if it
were alive and becomes satisfied with �it� and feels no need of
a God given wife. Such objects can become idols to their users.
It is a path to be taken only after much prayer and fasting and
when the spirit, soul and mind have the peace of God about it,
free from any doubts or misgivings (Romans 14).
Most of all, remember and claim for yourself the truths of
Romans 6:1 � What shall we say then? Shall we continue in sin
[PORNOGRAPHY AND LUST] so that grace may abound? 2 Let it
not be! How shall we who died to sin [PORNOGRAPHY/LUST]
live any longer in it? 3 Do you not know that as many of us as
were baptized into Jesus Christ were baptized into His death? 4
Therefore we were buried with Him by baptism into death, so
that as Christ was raised up from [the] dead by the glory of the
Father; even so we also should walk in newness of life. 5 For if
we have been joined together in the likeness of His death, we
shall also be [in the likeness] of His resurrection; 6 knowing
this, that our old man is crucified with [Him] in order that the
body of sin might be destroyed, that from now on we should
not serve sin [PORNOGRAPHY AND EVIL DESIRE]. 7 For he who
died has been justified from sin. 8 But if we died with Christ,
we believe that we shall also live with Him, 9 knowing that
when Christ was raised from [the] dead, He dies no more; death
no longer has dominion over Him. 10 For in that He died, He
died to sin once; but in that He lives, He lives to God. 11
Likewise count yourselves also to be truly dead to sin
[PORNOGRAPHY AND DESIRE FOR THE FORBIDDEN], but alive to
God through Jesus Christ our Lord. 12 Therefore do not let sin
[PORNOGRAPHY/EVIL DESIRE] reign in your mortal body, that
you should obey it in its lusts [DESIRE FOR THE FORBIDDEN]. 13
Do not yield your members [genitals as] instruments of
unrighteousness to sin, but yield yourselves to God, as [one]
alive from [the] dead, and your members [genitals as]
instruments of righteousness to God. 14 For sin
[PORNOGRAPHY/EVIL DESIRE] shall not have dominion over
you, for you are not under Law, but under grace. 15 What
then? Shall we sin [PORNOGRAPHY/EVIL] because we are not
under Law, but under grace? Let it not be! 16 Do you not know
that to whom you yield yourselves [as] slaves for obedience,
you are slaves to him whom you obey; whether it is of sin
[PORNOGRAPHY/EVIL] to death, or of obedience to
righteousness. 17 But thanks [be] to our God that you were the
slaves of sin, but you have obeyed from [the] heart that form of
doctrine to which you were delivered. 18 Then being made free
from sin [PORNOGRAPHY/EVIL], you became the slaves of
righteousness. 19 I speak in the manner of men because of the
weakness of your flesh; for as you have yielded your members
[as] slaves to uncleanness [PORNOGRAPHIC CLIMAX], and to
lawless act unto lawless act [PORNOGRAPHIC USES], even so
now yield your members as slaves to righteousness unto
holiness. 20 For when you were the slaves of sin
[PORNOGRAPHY/EVIL], you were free from righteousness. 21
What fruit did you have then [in the PORNOGRAPHY AND EVIL
DESIRE] of which you are now ashamed? For the end of those
things [is] death. 22 But now, being made free from sin
[PORNOGRAPHY/EVIL DESIRE] , and having become slaves to
God, you have your fruit to holiness, and the end everlasting
life. 23 For the wages of sin [PORNOGRAPHY AND EVIL DESIRE
is] death, but the gift of God [is] eternal life through Jesus Christ
our Lord.
Helpful Resources
Support Groups
Sex Addicts Anonymous
PO Box 3038
Minneapolis, MN, 55414
Sexaholics Anonymous
PO Box 111910
Nashville, TN 37222
[email protected]
www.sa.org
Sexual Compulsives Anonymous
www.sca-recovery.org
P.O. Box 1585, Old Chelsea Station
New York, NY 10011
(800)977-HEAL
Books
Out of the Shadows, and Sexual Addiction, both by Patrick
Carnes
Search for Significance, by Robert McGee
The Sensation of Being Somebody, by Maurice Wagner; pub.
Zondervan
Change Your Life Now, by Gary Null; pub. Health
Communications Inc.
His Image--My Image, by Josh McDowell
Faithful and True: Sexual Integrity in a Fallen World, by
Mark Laaser,
Ph.D. ($10.99 / ISBN 0-310-20836-X / Softcover /
208 pp. /1996 / Zondervan). Dr. Laaser offers help and hope
for regaining and maintaining sexual integrity, self-control,
and wholesome, biblical sexuality. Discusses the complete topic
of sexual addiction.
Call 1-800-727-3480, or e-mail
[email protected]. If you live
outside the U.S., e-mail
[email protected] for a list of
Zondervan's international distributors.
Videos
Videotape Series
"Sex, Lust and Heartache"
www.interaud.com/slh
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� A CHECK OFF LIST WHEN THE CO-ADDICT�S RELATIONSHIP
ADDICTION/ NEED HAS SEXUAL OVERTONES.
THE FOLLOWING IS ADAPTED FROM R-CoSA
� Co-addicts who are in relationships with sexually addicted
people can benefit greatly from the fellowship and support
of a Bible based12-step group that they might not get
anywhere else due to the sensitive and controversial nature of
this addiction. This is not an addiction that you want your boss
or parents to know about.
Co-addicts may share any of the following experiences:
1. Having a spouse who has continually called "900" sex
numbers.
2. Having a spouse who is currently having or has had an
affair(s).
3. Having an affair themselves.
4. Dealing with issues of molestation and abuse from a spouse.
5. Having a spouse who is involved in homosexual affairs.
6. Having a spouse who watches adult sex videos and buys
pornography (magazines, tapes, toys etc.).
7. Having a spouse who�s having sex with prostitutes.
8. Having a spouse whose obsession with sex is to the point of
self-injury, and/or injury to the co-addict.
If any of these experiences are true for you, and you find that
too much of your time is focused on dealing with or recovering
from these experiences, then you are invited to join R-cosa.
CHARACTERISTICS OF PEOPLE WHO COULD BENEFIT FROM
RECOVERY AND SUPPORT MINISTRIES LIKE R-COSA AND THE
OTHERS DESCRIBED ABOVE:
___1. Sometime during my life I came to believe that no one
would love me as I am.
___2. I have believed that I am basically bad and somehow
unworthy of being loved.
___3. I have learned the only person I can rely on and trust is
myself.
___4. I believe that if I have to depend on someone else my
needs will never be met.
___5. I also believe that sex is the most important sign of
love.
___6. I have become helpless over my own life, failing to hold
the addict accountable for his actions.
___7. I have too often been inconsistent in dealing with the
consequences of the addicts behavior.
___8. I have wronged myself and violated my own personal
standards and boundaries to get along with the addict.
___9. I have over-extended myself to cover the addict�s
unmanageability, doing so physically, emotionally and/or
financially.
__10. I have place unreasonable demands on the addict and
tried to control the addict�s behavior.
__11. I have deliberately misled family, friends and co-
workers that every thing with the addict and I are �fine�
__12. I have sometimes punished the addict and failed to
forgive him/her, damaging my own spirituality..
__13. I have withdrawn sex and physical affection from the
addict, becoming emotionally unavailable.
__14. I have ignored my own life and responsibilities by
becoming over involved with the addict�s problems.
__15. Sometimes I have felt responsible for the addict�s
harmful behavior, blaming myself for his problems.
__16. Feeling responsible for his problems, I have given in to
him and his demands/desires/needs, making excuses to myself
and others for his harmful actions.
__17. I have even joined in with him in his harmful sexual
fantasies to accommodate him and keep the relationship going,
or to keep him from going to some else.
__18. I have allowed myself to be used, abused and
disrespected.
__19. I have become resentful, putting his sexual needs ahead
my needs and feeling like I have put too much of myself in the
relationship.
__20. At times I have let my loved ones, family and friends be
hurt, used and abused by the addict.
__21. I have often blamed all of our relationship problems on
the addict and his hurtful behavior.
__22. I have let myself believe that all it would take to fix
things would be for him to change, denying my own harmful
behaviors.
__23. I have let myself accept intensity and excitement in our
sexual relations, in place of intimacy and cherishing love.
__24. I have realized that our needs are not being met and that
there is no real intimacy and closeness in our relationship.
###############Adapted from R-CoSA�S SOLUTION
___1. I have come to realize that I can not control the addict�s
behavior.
___2. I have come to understand that my problems are
emotional and spiritual.
___3. I am ready to deal with my denial of the problems and
past issues.
___4. I am ready to be responsible for my own actions and
accept and yield to Jesus as the Deliverer and Master of my
Life
___5. I am committed to learning about my sexual addictions
and to working as a partner with my mate in recovery.
___6. I now realize and accept that I am not responsible for the
addict�s addiction or recovery, for fixing or �curing� the addict.
___7. I am willing to start the recovery that I hope will heal
myself, to start living as God wants me to live.
___8. If necessary, I am ready and willing to give up sexual
relations with him and be separated from him if that is how
the Lord leads me after prayer and fasting.
___9. If I am single, I am ready and willing to give up sinful
sexual relations and be chaste and set apart in sexual purity to
the Lord until He give me the mate of His choosing, with prayer
and fasting.
___10. I realize that a support/recovery/fellowship group may
provide a safe place to share my hurts, anxieties, frustrations
as well as my happiness and victories. If I don�t have such a
group now I commit myself to finding one following God�s
leading with much prayer and fasting.
__11. I acknowledge my faults, shortcomings and defects, and
I am committed to working through these feeling, preferably in
my support/recovery group or with a counselor.
___12. I earnestly desire and am seeking a closer relationship
with God, an intimate relationship with Him, spending time
quietly with Him, praising Him, thanking Him, and worshipping
him, meditating on Him and listening for His leading.
___13. I believe that King Jesus and the Holy Spirit are all I
need to overcome and be healed, and that He may choose to
speak to me through His children.
___14. I surrender my relationship to Jesus because I believe
that Jesus unselfishly and compassionately cherishes me,
esteeming me precious and worth dying for, and that He is my
faithful healer and restorer.
___15. I intend to continue to seek to know Him intimately in a
daily quiet-before-Him time, trusting Him to renew my mind.
----------------------------------------------------
There are many other wonderful and effective
resources available besides these for the Christian.
Focus on the Family
Colorado Springs, Co 80995
Recovery Publications
1201 Knoxville St.
San Diego,CA 92110-3718
(619) 275-1350
For the non-Christian and the Christian, there are
effective groups that are not openly Christ centered
but can be used by Jesus in their recovery.
The Augustine Fellowship , Sex and Love Addicts
Anonymous, FellowshipWide Services, Inc.
P.O.Box 119, New Town Branch, Boston, MA 02258
and their excellent Basic Text.
The book: Leaving the Enchanted Forest, The Path
From Relationship Addiction to Initmacy, by
Stephanie Covington and Liana Beckett
S-ANON INTERNATIONAL FAMILY GROUPS
KEYS TO S-ANON RECOVERY
S-ANON INTERNATIONAL APPEARS TO BE COMMITTED
TO THE FOLLOWING:
1. Sexaholism is a disease that is very similar to alcoholism.
2. Sexaholics are responsible for their behavior.
3. Sexaholics are entitled to their feelings of anger and hurt.
4. Sexaholics are �sick� people, not necessarily bad people.
5. Sexaholics are, in and of themselves, powerless over their
desire for the forbidden and harmful.
6.. Sexaholism is not the result of something I did or did not do.
7. Sexaholics are not able to control themselves, or be
controlled by their loved ones.
8. Attempts to control or ignore the sexaholic�s behavior may
lead to a worsening of my emotional health.
9. Such attempts can enable the addict to go on practicing his
addiction.
10. The victims of such addictions are also emotionally and
spiritually ill.
11. It takes work to come to the place where the victim can
accept these ideas.
12. The victim becomes aware that he/she have choices to
make about their own behavior, and so begins the recovery
process.
13. Acknowledging their powerlessness over the Sexaholic�s
behavior, the actions and reactions of those in our lives.
14. The victim asks his/her �Higher Power� to enable the victim
to stop blaming and attempting to control the sexaholic and his
behavior.
15. The realization that it is not the victim�s responsibility to fix
the sexaholic is a liberating discovery.
16. The victim should encourage and cooperate with the
recovery of the sexaholic.
17. The victim should prioritize his/her own recovery and find
fulfillment and encouragement in that, even if the sexaholic
fails to make the desired progress.
18. The victim�s peace of mind and fulfillment should depend
on his/her own recovery by the changing of attitudes and
getting rid of self-defeating behavior.
19. The victim must take the responsibility for his/her own
actions and reactions in the recovery process.
20. The victim should be prepared to accept help from
supporters and God, even if the sexaholic doesn�t.
21. The victim becomes committed to being in regular
fellowship with those who are taking part in his/her
recovery, finding a sponsor, mentor, counselor or etc.
with whom to go through the recovery experience.
22. The victim begins to learn how to apply the principles and
concepts of the 12 Steps to his/her own life.
23. As the victim grows and becomes whole, the victim shares
his/her testimony to give glory to God and encourage those
who are on the path to recovery.
24. Daily progress, not perfection, is the victim�s goal, in his/her
own unique way, day after day, one step at a time.
S-Anon International Family Groups
P.. Box 111242
Nashville, TN 37222-1242
(615) 833-3152
-------
And finally,
WHO IS TYLER?
EDUCATION - TEACHING - HUMAN RESOURCES
Classroom Instruction ... Training/Staff Development ... Program
Development ... Employee Relations Customer/Community Relations ...
Social Casework ... Client Counseling/Training ...Mail Courier ...
Summer Bible Camp Counseling... DVBS Teaching... Junior Church
Directing ...Sunday School Teaching (K- College/Adult) ... Home Bible
Study Leading
When I was young, I believed Jesus was real, but I sure didn't think that
He Loved me, and I was actively considering a suicidal life style or
suicide itselfbecause I didn't care to live in a world that only had selfish
and conditional"love". I didn't believe that any human really LOVED
any other human.
The proof that persuaded me that God not only could but actually
did Love me was that Christ died for me. I could argue with most
other points, but I couldn't deny that Jesus died. Even unbelievers
believed Jesus lived and died. To me that was a historical fact that few
disputed. So when I saw that I had solid historical evidence that Jesus
died, I was ready to seriously consider that just maybe He Loved me
enough to really die for me.
I respected and believed the Bible, so when she showed me book after
book, chapter after chapter, verse after verse that plainly stated that
the reason Jesus died (that solid historical fact), was because God so
Loved me and the world and because He wanted to Love me as Father, as
Shepherd, as King, as Deliverer in a very intimate and personal
relationship, - - - - my eyes began to see, my mind to understand my
heart wanted that Love. When she showed me why He let them kill Him,
that it was His choice, that He died to take my place in the court of
Divine Justice------- well she had me. I couldn't deny that he died, and
she persuaded that God so Loved me that He sent His only begotten Son to
die in my place so that I could be His child ------- Eureka! Yahoo! I had
discovered the Love I was looking for, a Love that I could live for, a Love
to give my life to and for. I already had believed that He rose from the
dead and was coming back, but now I could have a Father-son
relationship with the GOD who was Love.
I believed her, accepted Him and got all excited. I told her that I
had to check all of this out with the youth sponsor, Chuck Hill, to
make sure that all that she told me was right on. After Chuck
confirmed everything the woman had told me, I thanked him and went
up the other hill side to pray my prayer of thanks, believing, receiving
and trusting Jesus as my God, my King and Saviour. I was such a babe I
didn't realize that I had been born again as soon as I talked to Chuck,
because I believed Jesus and had faith in Jesus alone to bring me into
right relationship with God, as soon a Chuck confirmed it all. I believed,
received Him and was born again even before I made my big formal
acceptance prayer.
Talk about a radical life change in a few weeks! Within a month of my
8th grade year (Oct. or Nov.) my grades rose from D+ to an average of
"B". Instead ofbeing the expelled disrupter of my youth group, I became
a leader in my church youth group, my school's Bible club (the girls
had a hard time believing I had changed). Instead of letting my twisted
and dysfunctional family pull me downwith them, I determined to do
what I could do for my messed up family, especially my mom and dad.
Dear Reader, I join Kay Arthur in respectfully asking you, d o you know
exactly where you stand with the God and Creator of the universe? Have
you asked Him to be your Father in the Heavens? Have you
believed/trusted/relied/depended on the Lord/King Jesus Christ ---the
God anointed Saviour King of Israel ----to save you from your faults,
failures and mistakes?
Salvation from personal faults/failures/mistakes belongs to the
poor in spirit. Matt. 5:3 says, "Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is
the kingdom of heaven." If you recognize that you are spiritually
destitute---totally incapable of deserving or earning salvation from
your errors in any way, you are poor in spirit-- you are humble. The
poor in spirit, the humble, understand that they are sinners, totally
impotent to please or to serve God.
To acknowledge that you are a sinner unable to save yourself is
humility. Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners (1 Tim.
1:15). Isaiah said, "When You make His soul an offering for sin, He
shall see [His] seed. He shall prolong [His] days and the pleasure of the
Lord shall prosper in His hand. He shall see the distressing travail of
His soul, and be satisfied. By His knowledge My righteous Servant
shall justify many, for He shall bear their iniquities."
Poverty of spirit (humility) is interwoven in the act of
repentance, the life-altering change of mind about you, your sin and
God. When you repent (change your mind), you see yourself as you
really are and you change your mind in respect to your relationship to
God the Father and to His Son, the Lord Jesus Christ. The act of
repentance brings you to see your sin as ugly as it is, as God sees it, and
you come to a point where you want to be free from it.
Of course, freedom from sin comes only by believing/trusting/
relying on the Lord Jesus Christ. The one who is regularly committing
sin is the slave of sin. However, if the Son shall set you free from
regularly committing sin, you shall be free indeed (John 8:334,36)
The poor in spirit see their impotence to free themselves from
sin/failures/faults/errors. They see that freedom is possible only
through Christ's death for us as our substitute. They recognize that
salvation/deliverance comes by God's act of undeserved and
unmeritted kindness and mercy alone. They choose to believe God
and His Word about themselves and their relationship with Him.
One cannot speak of the Crucifixion apart from the Resurrection.
It is the resurrection that gives us newness of life. Christ's resurrection
testifies to two vital truths. One, it shows that God was propitiated, or
satisfied, with the substitutionary death of Jesus Christ. Jesus became
the bearer of our sins. Isaiah's word is "But he was wounded/pierced
for our transgressions, bruised/crushed for our iniquities; The
chastisement for our peace was upon Him, and by His stripes (from the
cutting whips) we are healed." In Romans 4:25 we read, "[He] who was
delivered up because of our transgressions, and was raised [from the
dead] because of our justification." "Raised because of our justifica-
tion" means that because Jesus' payment (the death of His body) for our
sins was adequate to satisfy the demands of justice and a Holy God,
God could then declare us righteous, justified and made acceptable in
His sight. Jesus was raised from death because His death for us satisfied
the righteousness of our Holy God.
His resurrection shows us that Jesus Christ conquered death.
Death had a holdover man because of his sin/error/failures/faults.
However, once the death penalty of sin was paid for by the death of
Christ's body, death no longer had any holding power. "The sting of
death is sin, and the power of sin is the law" (1 Corinth. 15:56). Jesus
paid the price of redemption, redeeming us from the curse of the Law,
having become a curse for us ---for cursed was everyone who was hung
on a tree/stake (Deut. 21:23; Gala. 3:13).
His death took away the power of sin. Jesus also took the stinger
out of death by paying for our sin so that we need have no fear of what
awaits us in and after death. Because our sin debt is paid for in full by
Christ, death has no power over us.
Dear reader, have you come to the end of yourself? Have you
seen your total impotence, your total unworthiness? Have you seen
your nothingness apart from God? And have you seen Jesus, God the
Son who took upon Himself flesh and blood that He might die for you
and for all people? Have you decided that you want His Way and Will
in and for your life instead of your own will and way?
Do you believe that? Do you believe He died in your place? Do
you believe that He was made sin for you, so that you, a helpless and
hopeless enemy of God, might have His righteousness and His life?
Have you repented---turned away from self-will to believe on the Lord
Jesus Christ----the God anointed Saviour King of Israel? Out loud with
your mouth agree with God about the God anointed Saviour King of
Israel, and you will be saved, "for with the heart man believes,
resulting in righteousness, and with the mouth he confesses [Jesus],
resulting in salvation." Romans 10:10-13.
Joel 2: 32 And it shall be, whoever shall call on the name of the LORD
shall be saved; for salvation shall be in Mount Zion and in Jerusalem,
as the LORD has said, and in the remnant whom the LORD shall call.
Ps 119:6 Then I shall not be ashamed, when I have respect to all Your
commandments.
Ps 119:80 Let my heart be sound in Your statutes, so that I may not be
ashamed.
Ps 119:116 Uphold me according to Your word, that I may live; and let
me not be ashamed of my hope.
The preceeding Good News presentation is a paraphrase of K. Arthur's
"Lord Heal My Hurts" K. Arthur may neither subscribe to, nor endorse
my files described below, but the Lord uses her teaching mightily in the
mending, healing and restoring of broken lives, and in the nurturing
of believers. For more helpful information to help you with your
decision and walk in Christ, write K. Arthur at
Precept Ministries
P.O. Box 182218
Chattanooga, Tennessee 37422
(423) 892-6814
Other resources for your walk in Christ:
http://www.emmaus.edu/
http://www.insight.org
http://www.freedominchrist.com
***********************************
Today, as a Christian social activist and reformer I find myself in the
midst of controversy. I readily acknowledge that I know "nothing yet
as" I "ought to know", that I have an imperfect understanding and my
mentality is finite. Yet I have web and ftp sites (see below) where my
cross cultural files are an attempt on my part to deal with real and
contemporary life-issues within a Judeo-Christian context as I have
experienced them, and I believe that they have validity and relevance
no matter what the reader's marital status, culture, status, race or
nationality might be. The only "culture" advocated and endorsed is the
Judeo-Christian "culture", no love here for the status quo. The ultimate
authority accepted here is the God-breathed Word of God as found in the
Old and New Testaments of the Holy Bible. I have been called an
extremist and informed that I am in a very small minority because of
the beliefs expressed in these my files. Like Luther, I have to live by
what I believe, so here I stand depending on the sovereignty of God and
His unending mercy to show me my error or use my vision to help
another pilgrim who has found that the "average American Christian
life" is lukewarm and thus grossly inadequate to deal with today's issues
and circumstances.
These are the subjects/titles available:
� Abortion, Malicious Bias, & Genocide (abortion.txt)
� Angels, Demons & Spirits (AngelsDemonsSpirits.txt;
YouAndAngels)
� Biblical Insights on Sex, Morality &Pornography
(BiblcaLSexPornMorality)
� Black Families' Crisis (PlightOfBlkFem-Fam.txt;
BlackFamResrcs+.txt;
Black.Family.Resrcs)
� Camelot, a Tale of Tragic Love ( A_Camelot_Dedication.txt)
� Cherishing Your Women (CherishYourWomen1.txt)
� Christian Divorce (Divorce_Remarriage.txt;
Divorce_&_Polygamy.html;
Christian_Divorce.txt; Christian_Divorce)
� Christians and the Tithe ( ChristianTithe.txt )
� Common Law &Informal Marriages
(ComnlawInfrmlMarriage.txt)
� Crisis Resolution in the Unity of the Spirit (CrisisResolution.txt)
� Disciples and Their Suffering (Why_Disciples_Suffer.txt;
WhyBelieversSuffer.html)
� Divorce & Remarriage (Divorce_Remarriage.txt;
Divorce_&_Polygamy.html; Christian_Divorce.txt; Christian_Divorce)
� Easter Insights (Easter_Insights.txt; Easter_Insights)
� How and When to Marry (WhenHowMarry.txt)
� How to Survive Divorce (HowSurvive_Divorce.txt)
� Husband Wife Relations (HusbandWifeRelatnsMngny.txt;
Husband.Wife.Relatns)
� Husbands Rule Wives? (HusbandRuleWife.txt)
� Interracial/Interethnic Marriage (InterracialEthncMarrg.txt;
RacelessMarriage)
� Is Jesus Jehovah God? (IsJesusJehovahGod.txt)
� Keeping One's Word (KeepingOne'sWord.txt )
� Keys to Loving Unity in Families and Fellowships
(KeysMLovingUnity.txt;
Keys4LovingUnity.txt)
� The "Let" command of 1 Corinthians 7:9 (Let_Command.txt )
� Man's Need Of Woman (Man'sNeedOfWoman.txt; MenNeedWomen)
� The Marriage of the Godly Lasts Until Death Separates
(Divorce_&_Polygamy.html)
� Marital Intimacy Manual for Contributors
(MrtlIntmcyMn4Cntrs.txt)
� Matchmaker Resources (MatchmakerResrcsInt)
� Me In Christ, What Does It All Mean Really?
(WhatIAmInChrist1.txt)
� Me In This World, Why? (Why_Me_&_This_World.txt;
Why_Me_Now.txt; Why_Me_In_World.html)
� No Wedding Vows (NoWeddingVows.txt )
� Oaths, Swearings, Promises (OathsSwrngsPrmss.txt;
MarriageOaths)
� Plight Of the Black Family (PlightOfBlkFem-Fam.txt)
� Plight Of the Black Female (PlightOfBlkFem-Fam.txt)
� Power Of Female Beauty (PowrOfFemBeauty.txt)
� Prayers for Loved Ones (Prayers4LuvdOnes.txt)
� Prisoner Abuse (PrisonerAbuse.txt)
� Quotes On Polygyny (QuotesOnPolygyny.txt )
� Racism, Nationalism and Bigotry (racsm.natnlsm.bigtry.txt)
� Safe sex? (safe_sex.txt)
� Seniors & Polygamy (senior_polygamy.txt)
� Sex and Dependent Singles ( Youths_Singles_Sex.txt;
UnderageSexBurning.txt)
� Song Of Solomon Part1 (SongOfSolomonPt1.txt)
� Spiritual Warfare (Spiritual_Warfare.txt)
� The Suffering of the Innocent, (Why_Disciples_Suffer.txt;
WhyBelieversSuffer.html)
� The Tithe & Christians (Tithe&Christians.txt)
� Truth vs Falsehoods (truth_vs_lies.txt)
� Underage Sexual Burning and 1 Corinth. 10:13 (
Youths_Singles_Sex.txt;
UnderageSexBurning.txt)
� Unequal Yokes, Interfaith Marriages (UnequalYokes.txt)
� Unplanned Polygyny, a Trail of Tears (UnplannedPolygyny2.Txt)
� Wedding Covenants (WeddingCovenants.txt)
� Who is Tyler? (WhoLTyler.txt)
� Why Only One Husband? (WhyOnly1Husbnd.txt)
� Why Do "Good" People Suffer? (Why_Disciples_Suffer.txt;
WhyBelieversSuffer.html)
� Why Would a Wife Share Her Husband? (WhyWifeShreHsbnd.txt)
� Polygamy Resources ( PolyResources2.txt)
� Polygamy, Divorce & Remarriage (Divorce_&_Polygamy.html;
Divorce_and_PolygamyPt1.html; Divorce_and_PolygamyPt2.html;
Divorce+PolygamyPt1.txt; Divorce+PolygamyPt2.txt)
� Polygamy and Christians Today (ChristianPolyToday.txt )
� Polygamy and Concubines in the Bible (PolygamyConcubines.txt)
� Polygamy and the Law (Legal_Polygamy.txt)
� Polygamy and the Reformation (reformationpoly.txt)
� Polygamy in a Nutshell (minipoly.txt, Polygyny_core.txt;
polyamory_unknown.html )
� Polygamy, Traditional Criticisms (objections2poly.txt)
� Polygamy's Transition from Old Testament to New Testament times
(Ot2NtDivRemPoly.txt)
� Polygamy, Morality and Pornography (PolyMoralityPorn76.txt;
polyandry)
� Polygamy's/Polygyny's Scriptures and Contexts
(PolyScripsQuotes.txt;
PolygynyInScrips; Biblical_polygamy.html)
� Polygynous Families: Keys to Loving Unity in Polygyny (
KeysLovingUnity;
Keys2LovingUnity.html)
AVAILABLE AT:
http://www.etext.org/Religious.texts/Polyamory ---
http://www.mindspring.com/~oldservant
http://www.etext.org/Religious.Texts/Polyamory
�ftp.www.etext.org;User:Anonymous; Password: your email address;
Directory: /pub/Religious.texts/Polyamory ---
�ftp.mindspring.com; User: Anonymous; Password: your email address;
Directory:/users/oldservant
Peace, Tyler
[email protected]
http://www.etext.org/Religion-----then click on Polyamory
http://www.etext.org/Religious.texts/Polyamory
http://www.mindspring.com/users/~oldservant
