MAN'S SEXUAL NEED OF WOMAN AND THE SEXUAL
HELP A MAN NEEDS FROM HIS WOMAN IN MARRIAGE.
COPYRIGHT � JANUARY 14, 1995 All rights reserved.
Copyright � 01/14/'95; 01/12/�96; 01/14/'97 (Revised)
By L. Tyler P.O. Box 620763, SanDiego, CA 92162-
0763
[email protected]
[email protected]
1. AM I EXAGERATING MY SEXUAL NEEDS AND TRIALS,
ESPECIALLY
IN THIS TIME OF SEPARATION?
Vital Haynes M.D., Urologist cited below, gave his view and solutions
for a male like me. Dr. Priesman M.D. (Endocrinologist) told me that
what I describe next is normal for men with moderate to high
testosterone levels in their blood. Please step into men's shoes, look
through men's eyes, feel men's feelings, sense men's needs and then
pray compassionately for men, and may God have mercy on all of us.
What a shame most women have no idea of what the average male's
testosterone sex drive does to him. I believe it is almost impossible for
the average woman to understand the 1 Cor.7:9 burning that a middle
to high testosterone blood level male experiences due to his
testosterone. Granted about half of males have low mid-range to low
testosterone levels as well as nocturnal emission, so they have little or
no problem turning off or on their sex lives. The low testosterone
level males may have a great deal of difficulty turning on their sex
lives.
Women have no idea that the sex drive in that half of the male who
have mid to high testosterone levels in their blood is as strong and
compelling as the hunger drive when the stomach is growling and
cramping for lack of food; or as the thirst drive when the tongue, throat
and mouth are so dry it is even difficult to talk; as the rest drive when
it is impossible to keep the eyes open or the body erect due to utter
exhaustion. These same women would not normally ignore such
hunger/thirst signs, nor say that they would take cold showers and
exercise to overcome such hunger/thirst signs. If they chose to fast, go
without food and drink, by the second day they would be too weak to
do their daily work and chores, and by the third day they would be too
weak walk far or stand for long periods of time. As one who has fasted
and prayed three days without food or drink, I know.
Yet they fault the mid to high testosterone blood level male for not
being able to ignore his compelling sex drive and do without. When
the men who are not blessed with natural nocturnal emission (wet
dreams) have gone without sexual release for several days, the
prostrate becomes so congested that it begins to squeeze shut the
urethra so they cannot urinate normally. The effect on the brain is
that those males are so distracted and distractible, especially by anything
female, that quite literally their minds could be said to be weakened in
that it is very difficult to concentrate or focus on necessary tasks. If
women could think of their nasal sinuses being so congested that they
cannot breath, or of the problems with urination that a woman has
with urination when 8 or 9 months pregnant, then maybe they could
understand the problems prostrate congestion can cause. Without
release, ejaculation, they could become so distracted and distractible by
anything that, as with too much alcohol, their judgment and thinking
is impaired and foolish (risky), dangerous (AIDS,HIV) or irrational
behavior results.
A high testosterone male who lacks the discipline of virtuous ethics
and morals can be pushed into the full hunter/warrior mentality to
find release forthe testosterone induced emotional turmoil/burning
he experiences.Such a male, having had no release all week, finds
himself planning and strategizing as a hunter/warrior to find his
prey that weekend. His testosterone crazed thoughts are entirely
selfish. As the rogue lion stalking in the night knows the water
holes where his prey gathers, so he stalks in the night seeking
female prey to devour. No thought of the females needs or wants
except for how they can be exploited to achieve his purpose, the
conquest and devouring of his prey.
He knows what bait and lures to use to get her on the hook.
He says what he knows she wants to hear for her to let her guard
down and be vulnerable. He does the little things that will win her
confidence so she will let her guard down. He takes her to the
place where he can charm and disarm her, free from herfriends
who might recognize what he is trying to do to her. He looks the
way she likes, talks the way she likes, moves the way she likes, so
she decidess to risk it in hopes that at long last this is love! Lonely
no more! She yields, little by little. Finally she is almost like clay in
his hands and she wants him to passionately and romantically love
her, fulfilling her longings and dreams! He takes her. He has her.
He devours her using her to satisfy the testosterone burning, raging
and roaring through his mind and body.
No matter that he leaves his female prey wounded in soul, broken
in heart, and emotionally dying in the night. Puzzled, hurt and
distraugt she hates him for using and abusing her and she hates
herself for letting him do it to her. She is tempted to think that
maybe that is what it means to be passionately loved by a man. Or
worse yet, she comes to believe that better this abusive love than no
love at all. He has had his fill, his fulfillment, his release. He is
satiated, drunk with sexual feasting, and is ready to rest. There are
such men and the devil, his demons, his body and the world know
how to breed and nurture such savage beasts.
A high testosterone male who lacks the discipline of virtuous ethics
and morals can be pushed into the mentality of full fledged idolatry
to find release forthe testosterone induced emotional
turmoil/burning he experiences.Such a male, having had no release
all week, finds himself planning and strategizing as a worshipper of
female sexuality to find his goddess/goddesses for that weekend.
His testosterone crazed thoughts are entirely slavish-"Which
goddess will let me worship her and celebrate her sexuality this
weekend?". Mentally and spiritually enslaved and addicted to
finding fulfillment and sexual release in accepting and welcoming
female sexuality, he knows where the goddesses gather and where
they wait for their addicted worshippers. As Eve was tempted to
be like God and Know, so even some females who know that they
are not goddesses, BUT WISH THEY WERE, even such females
venture out of their lonely love-starved nests in hope of finding a
love, perhaps even one who worship and adore them. Whichever
the case, the female-worshippers are out there waiting to find
fulfillment in the worship of accepting and welcoming female
sexuality.
No thought of the females' real-life needs or heart-felt wants
except for how their sexuality can be used to achieve his purpose,
the orgasmic explosive release and soft erotic afterglow
experienced in the worship of a goddess. No matter that he leaves
his female goddess in the sober reality that she is but mortal, finite
and unable to hold him in his worship of her for days and weeks and
years. He has had his fill, his fulfillment, his release. He is satiated,
drunk with sexual feasting, and is ready to rest. As his rationality
returns he sees moles, freckles, warts, hairs, fat wrinkles and smells
things that no longer quite smell the same. Sober and rational now
he sees that she is not a goddess, but a mere mortal. He may turn in
disgust and leave her there and then. He may flee fearing that she
too might see that he was not perfect. Or he may cynically decide
that the fantasy is what it is all about and decide to play the game
again with her next time they have the chance. There are such men
and the devil, his demons, the male body and the world know how to
breed and nurture such slavish man-beasts.
As a male with mid to high testosterone and no nocturnal
emission when I was in high school, my Urologist (Vital
Haynes,MD), told me I had a few options to prevent
my recurring prostrate congestion (which can lead to prostititis and
difficulty in urination). Recurrent prostititis can lead to impotence
and, eventually, prostrate cancer. A congested prostrate can make it
so difficult to urinate, especially if there is a problem with urethral
spasms, that it would be necessary to urinate almost every hour and
then there is the risk of trigonitis. He said that I, at age 17, could
either get married and be intimate frequently, be promiscuous
frequently, self-stimulate quite frequently, become homosexual (the
penis in the anus squeezes the seminal fluid out of the prostrate), or
come into his office two to three times a week for him to
massage/press the seminal fluid out of my prostrate (too expensive
and embarassing). Cold showers, exercise and being spiritual just
did not empty the prostrate so I could urinate normally and have
my mind clear of testosterone distractions.
A full time mom and homemaking wife knows from experience
when her man will be hungry, need a drink and/or be sleepy.
A wife who sees her ministry as wife as that of the good Samaritan,
as the feeder of the hungry, the clother of the naked, the giver of
drinks to the thirsty--- such a wife will see herself as the fulfiller
and satiater of her husband. Whether it be like the wife in the movie
"Multiplicities" who took as her cue her man's erection and worked
it out with him to help him have his release in her body, or like the
wife who knows that it has been two or three days since her
husband's last orgasm so she takes the initiative and holds/
strokes/rubs/massages his penis until it is erect and the testosterone
has him pumping and then helps him have his release in her body---
such a wife fulfills her ministry of ministering to his legitimate and
God-given needs. By the grace and enabling of God, the high
testosterone blood level male can tame his testosterone driven
appetites and go beyond that to unselfishly and compassionately
cherish his sexual partner. The hunter/predator/idolator can be
kept under the saddle with a bit and a harness if he will but choose
to let Jesus hold the reins of his life and ride in the saddle of his life.
AND CONTINUING
What a shame most women have no idea of what the average male's
testosterone sex drive does to him. Granted about half of males have
low mid-range to low testosterone levels as well as nocturnal emission,
so they have little or no problem turning off or on their sex lives. The
low testosterone level males may have a great deal of difficulty turning
on their sex lives. See the "Women have no idea", "Yet they fault the
mid to high testosterone blood level
male" discussions on p. 171
To help his wife, fiance�, girl friend or daughter understand the effect of testosterone on a male in relationship with his woman whom he loves and desires passionately, a man might do the following. (1) Take his lady out to eat her favorite meal. Order the meal, talking it up to maximize her anticipation and desire for it (2). When the meal is served, ask her take
a minute to look carefully at each item (how it is arranged, how it
appears). Ask her to smell each item. Ask her to take one fork/spoon
serving of each item and eat it, one at a time. Ask her if she is pleased
and still wants it (3). If she replies that she is ready and eager to eat and
wants no more delay, then gently, sweetly, carefully ask/beg/entreat
her to trust you in what you are about to do and that she go along with
what you are about to do. If she will cooperate, ask the waiter/waitress
to doggy bag the meal(4). She will probably need a lot of reassurance at
this point, so tell her that if she will go along with you it will
significantly improve her marriage. Hopefully she will believe you,
reluctantly. Ask her to carry the bagged food in the car on her lap, or
on the floor at her feet. Turn on the heater of your car with a little
floor heat so the smell of the food will rise to her face(5). When you
get home, ask her to carry it and put it in the refrigerator (6). She will
probably need more encouragement to do this. Ask/beg/entreat her to
trust you and cooperate. Ask her if she likes the way that the evening
has gone so far. Ask her how she feels about her favorite meal, cooling
off in the refrigerator. Sit her down and gently, compassionately and
wisely explain to her what follows next.
The �favorite meal� to him is HER (1). He approaches, anticipates, and
awaits her with eager expectation(2). Tell her that everytime he sees,
smells, hears, touches and/or tastes her lips/skin, it is what she felt
above (3). Explain that the bagging of the food in front of her (4) is
what he feels when she says to him �Honey! Not tonight.�, �I have a
headache and I just don�t feel like it right now.�, �All you think of is
sex! Chill out baby! Not tonight!�, �What have you done lately to
deserve it, baby?�. Explain to her that the carrying of the pleasantly
aromatic food home on her lap in the car is like when he is near her
but can�t feast on her, can�t fully enjoy her(5). Explain that her putting
the nice warm and delicious food in the refrigerator is what he
experiences when he has to go to bed or part from her without having
had the honor, the privilege, the delightful pleasure, the soul fulfilling
experience of feasting on her and her many delectables (6).
Explain patiently and gently and that for him his sexual drive is an
appetite, and his appetite is for her - his favorite feast. Explain that to
be near her is like ordering and receiving his favorite meal, her.
Explain that when he is denied his compelling hunger and thirst for
her, it is painful and hard to bear. Explain that it is a soul wrenching
experience. Explain that he NEEDS he even more than he WANTS
her. Appeal to her experience with the deferred meal to understand
how frustrating and emotionally troubling it is to be denied her. If
nothing else, lay the Word on her----how it is the will of God for her to
feed the hungry, and seeing his need and her ability to meet it -- pray
that she will be moved with compassion and meet his need.
Explain that his responsibility is to receive the wonderful and gracious
gift that she is and has, is to gently and kindly and thoughtfully enjoy
her----seeking to give her as much pleasure as possible. If he doesn�t do
that, then he is the swine that had pearls thrown before him, the fool
who has no idea of the value of his precious possession and hides it
away from all, even from himself. If the smile and expressions of
delight on her face and the utterances of fulfillment and
ecstasy on her lips are not as important to him as his hunger for and
need of her, then he is unworthy of her. Perhaps such an unworthy
one could show genuine repentance (2Cor7) and humble himself
under the mighty hand of His God and under the authority He has
given his wife over his body, and become a learner of how to please
and delight his woman. A man who acts like Nabal with his wife, will
surely face the fate of a Nabal.
The question men have to deal with is, "How can I have the
testosterone release I need so I can take care of daily business and be
acceptable to Jesus?" The obvious answer is marriage (1 Cor. 7:1,2,5,9)
with a wife who understands his sexual needs and is committed to
ministering to him in his need in Christ, and as unto Christ (Matt.
25:34,35,36), so that his physical need of the release/ejaculation can be
met and they can get on with their lives.
AND YET MORE
Marital sex is as much a Spiritual God-ordained ministry as is feeding
the hungry, clothing the naked and giving drink to the thirsty. Isn't it
obvious that the husband and wife should be as creative, zealous and
devoted in their sexual ministry to each other, being sexually
dependent on each other, as they would be in their ministry to the
thirsty, hungry and unclothed who are dependent on them. Since they
are called to do their sexual ministry to each other, doing it as unto the
Lord (meaning they would do their very best in order to please Jesus),
you would expect excellence, creativity, originality and first class
performance. That is an example of how a Spiritual people who know
each other in terms of the Spirit, not in terms of their bodies or the
visible, use the opportunity of their bodies or the visible to serve each
other and the God who called them.
AND STILL MORE
1Cor.7:9 paraphrased from Darby: �But if they have not control over
themselves, they should marry; For it is better to marry than to burn.'
Burn? Do you mean like with fire?What a shame most women have
no idea of what the average male's testosterone sex drive does to him,
how it can make him BURN. I believe it is almost impossible for the
average woman to understand the 1 Cor.7:9 burning that a middle to
high testosterone blood level male experiences due to his testosterone.
Granted about half of males have low mid-range to low testosterone
levels as well as nocturnal emission, so they have little or no problem
turning off or on their sex lives. The low testosterone level males may
have a great deal of difficulty turning on their sex lives since they have
no sexual desire, no sexual passion.
Women have no idea that the sex drive in that half of the male who
have mid to high testosterone levels in their blood is as burning and
compelling as the hunger drive when the stomach is growling and
cramping for lack of food; or as the thirst drive when the tongue, throat
and mouth are so dry it is even difficult to talk; as the rest drive when
it is impossible to keep the eyes open or the body erect due to utter
exhausion. See the "Women have no idea", "Yet they fault the
mid to high testosterone blood level male", "A high testosterone male
who lacks the discipline", "a male with mid to high testosterone"
discussions on pp. 171-174.
The question such men have to deal with is, "How can I have the
testosterone release I need so I can take care of daily business and be
acceptable to Jesus?" The obvious answer is marriage (1 Cor. 7:1,2,5,9)
with a wife who understands his sexual needs and is committed to
ministering to him in his need in Christ, and as unto Christ (Matt.
25:34,35,36), so that his physical need of the release/ejaculation can be
met and they can get on with their lives. The closest the female comes
to this experience is in her PMS where her mind is bombarded with
hormones etc. making many to be quite distracted and temporarily
not their normal selves.
It is extremely difficult for a woman to understand that testosterone
can make a godly man REALLY NEED (not just want) the physical
marital love making of a godly wife to meet this need, to keep him
from being tempted to find release with some female predator
staked out at the testosterone watering hole, to keep him from
thinking irrationally and foolishly, and to help him keep himself
from doing foolish and life-threatening things to find release.
It is not just a matter of the will and the mind, just like the
physical needs for food, drink and sleep. It is the wise man
who is very good and attentive to the person who has what he
needs, and needs to be encouraged to give it to him. See the "A full
time mom and homemaking wife" can help discussion of p. 174 and
"To help his wife or daughter understand the effect of testosterone on
a male" discussion on p. 196-198
The widow who is left BURNING for the sexual affection and attention
of her departed husband (1Cor.7:5; 1Tim.5:11-14), has a very real and
intense sex drive, not fueled by testosterone, but by an
emotional/affectionate need created by the wonderful addiction to
marital sex with her husband, now departed. She can actually feel, in
her memory, the stimulation of her whole body or particular erotic
zones that love making with her husband activated. Those
affectionate and erogenous memories create an intense aching longing
for that whole body experience she had in orgasm with her husband.
Even a formerly promiscuous woman who knew no other love than
that she had in sex with "tricks/Johns" or just guys, feeling such an
aching and yearning desire for affectionate attention, can burn with
desire for that sexual affection and attention. Mind, emotional and
heart addictions can generate such a desperate burning that their
judgment is impaired, their reasoning clouded, and their mind so
distracted that they are capable of doing very foolish and life
threatening things.
STILL MORE
I�ve seen the delightful goodness of godly marital sex and
catastrophic evil of sinful sex. What do I do if I want godly marital
sex instead of sinful sex and I am experiencing failure, or even
frequent failure, in keeping myself from sinful sex? No matter how
much I grieve, repent, fast, pray and read my Bible; no matter how
many times I go forward for prayer, the laying on of hands and the
anointing of oil....... I still fail, sometimes even weekly, to
keep myself from what the Bible describes as sexual sin. �Who will
deliver me from this body of death? I thank God! [I will be
delivered from this body of death] through Jesus Christ our Lord!�
How????????????????????????????
AND THE LORD SAID IT IS BETTER TO MARRY THAN TO
BURN
So the way this writer gets it is a modified DBY: �But if they
have not control over themselves, they should marry; For it
is better to marry than to burn.' Now if the mighty God of the
universe tells me I should marry, just being thankful in
Christ that He has taken the time to know me and deal with
me, I would be asking �Who� and �When�. Now I know I
need to obey my Lord Jesus (Heb.5:8,9;1John2:1-5), and since
He has told me I NEED to/SHOULD marry and promised to
supply all my needs according to His riches, then I need to
prepare myself forWHOEVER of the saints He provides (seek
and ye shall find), knowing that He will LEAD that saint to
be willing to marry me ----- and shame on me if I am too
selfish and particular to accept the one He provides!
1 Corinthians 7:1 Now . . . , [to avoid] sex sin every man is to
be having his own woman and every woman is to be having
her own man.....
[The preceeding excerpts are from my Divorce & Polygyny file.]
2. WHAT ABOUT OUR SEPARATION? HOW DO I FEEL ABOUT IT?
WHAT DO I BELIEVE ABOUT IT? HOW AM I HANDLING IT?
The woman's repentance option explains the �double
standard� and apparent inequity of 1 Corinthians
7:10,11 where it appears that the woman who has left
her husband has the repentance option of remaining
single but the man must never leave his wife. If a
wife left her husband according to 1 Cor. 7:11, he
would immediately be put in the hazardous position
of 1 Corinth 7:1-5, being tempted to sin because his
wife will not give him the marital sexual outlet since
she is gone. It seemed to me to be quite unfair that
she could leave him and live unmarried, and he,
knowing he is still bound to her for life, has to struggle with the
burning temptations predicted in 1 Corinth. 7:1-5, 9 (See Appendix
6) with no legitimate sexual outlet.
Then I realized that 1 Corinth. 7:1-5 predicted his
need of marital intimacy, how Satan would use the
wife's absence to tempt him, how marital intimacy is
the prescription to avoid Satan's temptations, and
then the command in verse 9 plainly commands the
one to marry who is failing to have successful self-
control>100 . Then I realized that the polygyny
option balanced the equation. The wife could leave
her husband and remain single and the husband who
was still bound to such a departed wife seems to have
had a Biblical option of polygyny / concubinage, (depending on the
laws of his land) if he found himself tempted and burning as in 1
Cor. 7:5, 9,12 (See Appendix 6). She could leave and he could
remarry becoming a polygamist and the inequity was gone. She
could separate and remain single, and he could remarry as long as
he recognized that he was still bound to his separated wife.
[Footnote: >100 See Appendix Six.]
What if it is a situation of real need and crisis? What if his wife
decided to exercise her option to separate>95 herself from her
husband, but not by divorce but by separate beds or separate
bedrooms and allowed him no more access to her body for his
sexual needs? He is under God�s command to not leave or divorce
her>96 . She is wife in name only and he has no sexual partner.
Hasn't she sinfully set him up for Satan>97 and burning>98 which
will compel him to marry or be an adulterer. If it is to marry,
wouldn't it have to be with a concubine, since bigamy is illegal in the
USA?
[Footnote: >95 (1 Cor. 7:10,11). >96 (1 Cor.
7:10,11; Mark 10:9-11). >97 (1 Cor.7:5). >98
(1 Cor. 7:9; 1 Th.4:4,5; Appendix 6).]
