COPYRIGHT � JANUARY 14, 1995 All rights reserved.
Copyright � 01/14/'95; 01/12/�96 (Revised)
By L. Tyler P.O. Box 734, El Centro, CA 92244
[email protected];
[email protected]
A DEDICATION TO CAROL LYNN MCINTYRE, OF CAMELOT
She is black, dark brown, dark reddish brown---so many
delicious shades. Her skin looks like the richest of soils and I
wonder, "Is she Mother Earth?" She moves gracefully with
strength and purpose in her steps, unaware of her awesome
beauty. She turns and looks me in the eye and then
suddenly smiles so radiantly I almost lose my breath. How I
love her eyes and her mouth, filled with kindness and
gentleness----from which I never need fear hurt or
unkindness. She laughs and it sounds like music. We touch
and my heart soars. We embrace and I put my lips on her
delicious skin. As the Sun shines on her clean, soft and oiled
skin I'm fascinated by the tiny tints of red, orange, yellow and
all the browns that twinkle up at me. She is sooooo soft and
firm, so full of life! We look into each others eyes, hers
sparkling----we look long and deep---and then a cloud of
uncertainty, self-doubt, personal fears, and haunting memories
moves across her face and the lovely pools of her eyes are
troubled. I kiss her passionately and hold her ever so close,
wishing I could pull right into my heart and soul. I look again
and the cloud has passed and her face is radiant. We two as
one set out together to face and deal with our world. She lives
and is loved in the deepest depths of my soul and my mind is
filled with wonderful memories of her and us---and my
heart rejoices.
She is black, dark brown, dark reddish brown---so many
delicious shades. Her skin looks like the richest of soils and I
wonder, "Is she Mother Earth?" She moves gracefully with
strength and purpose in her steps, unaware of her awesome
beauty. I call out her precious name, almost to make sure
she's real and not a dream. She turns and looks me in the
eye and then suddenly smiles so radiantly I almost lose my
breath. It seems as if she glows! I drink her in as she flows
towards me with her arms open wide. The face I see is
Love.
How I love her eyes and her mouth, filled with
kindness and gentleness----from which I never need fear
hurt or unkindness. She laughs and it sounds like music. We
touch and my heart soars. We embrace and I put my lips on
her delicious skin. She is so delicious it is hard to keep my
mouth off of her. As the Sun shines on her clean, soft and
oiled skin I'm fascinated by the tiny tints of red, orange,
yellow and all the browns that twinkle up at me. She is
sooooo soft and firm, so full of life!
We look into each others' eyes, hers sparkling-
---we look long and deep and our souls touch---and then
suddenly it seems a cloud of uncertainty, self-doubt,
personal fears, or haunting memories moves across her face
and the lovely pools of her eyes are troubled. I kiss her
passionately and hold her ever so close, wishing I
could pull right into my heart and soul and bathe her in my
love, wanting to make it all right for her. Hesitantly I look
again hoping her radiance has returned and Yes! the
cloud has passed and her face is radiant again. What I see
in her face fills my heart. All is well. We two as one set
out together to face and deal with our world.
We faced our world together so much in love. I thought she
was so incredibly wonderful moving there before me bare and
beautiful. I thought I had been given the most wonderful
queen for my heart. I worshipped her. How could I be so
blessed? In ecstasy she said she could make love all night long
that Halloween weekend. Halloween darkness and death
covered my eyes and blinded me. It polluted my mind and it
whispered "You are not good enough for her. She will find out
that you aren't good enough for her and she will leave you for
another." The hissing lie believed, my heart deceived, my soul
backed off and the work of death began. My queen now
became my torment, rebuking me for being so presumptuous
as to dare to mingle with the gods by loving one of their own.
My heart was chilled with fear that my wonderful goddess
would suddenly see me as I really was and her passionate
desire turn to loathing. Couldn't she see I was all crippled and
broken inside?
The golden spell that had blessed our courtship was
cracking apart, one small piece at a time. She said she loved
me for my voice before we met. When we met I was so
amazed my mouth hung open in amazement and my eyes
couldn't open wide enough to behold her glory. Her laughter
rang like bells and chimes all about us. She flowed to me and
into my life. My heart opened wider than my eyes and
welcomed her in, pouring my love upon her in every way I
could imagine. She felt more loved than she had ever felt
before. She gave herself to me in engagement and our bodies
merged into oneness as our souls had. I accepted her love
without reservation and gave her my love without reservation.
She blessed me in the same manner. I felt my soul could fly no
higher.
I forgot she was a mere mortal with a tender heart and a
history of adversities. I forgot that her heart was as tender as
her breasts. I forgot that though she was bold and out going
like her breasts, she was as sensitive as they and in need of
support and protection. Blinded by unreasoned love I thought
her to be a goddess and worshipped her, when she wanted me
to lead her in the worship of my Jesus. Blinded by unreasoned
love she thought me above weakness and fear. So when that
Halloween darkness crept into my soul, and in its brokenness
and open wounds the darkness found a hiding place, a place for
it to root and grow. By that honeymoon night my soul became
the prisoner of the fear of losing her love, fear of failing her,
fear of not being enough for and fear of losing her to another.
All she wanted me to do was just to keep on loving her as we
had since our engagement. I stepped from the glorious light of
our love into the wretched darkness of my fear. My darling
Carol Lynn couldn't believe that her prince charming was dying
within.
Fear leaves such devastation. In her torment she felt she was
to blame for the cold iceman that I was becoming. She sought
counsel, tried to provoke me, tried to make me jealous---each
resulting in a veil of tears for her. Then my tormented goddess
sought to kill herself if our love could not be restored. I asked
her parents to come and get her since I was afraid to leave her
alone----------they dragged her away from me as she wept
and wailed begging me not to let them take her. I just stood
there and watched. Oh God have mercy on my soul!
The damned darkness of damned divorce crept between us.
I begged her to return, begged for forgiveness and apologized
for failing her-------but when she didn't answer for a week I
sought the loving I yearned for in the arms of another
wonderful dark queen. I had given up. I thought she would
never come back to one so unworthy as I. I felt I had to have
the love of a wonderful dark queen so that I could know that I
was still loveable, that I could know love again. My Lynn came
that night and found me with the other. I never had another
chance with her.
Hollywood got her and messed her up so badly she had to have
a total hysterectomy and was in pain daily taking powerful
pain killers. She sought shelter and help in her childhood home
with her parents. She built her nest in her childhood bedroom,
her heart broken, her spirit twisted, her soul so gravely
wounded that no one knew if she could ever fly again-------my
Lynn who had soared in the heights with eagles and falcons.
Her pain. The pain wouldn't stop.
"Oh please make this pain stop! Let me take my pills. I have
eaten and I'll just take these pain pills and lie down to rest.
Oh! My soul is so weary! When will the pain stop? To sleep,
yes sleep. I'm so tired. I'll just sleep a little. It's so good to be
home where I can feel safe, with Dad here. I love him so
much." And my beloved Carol Lynn McIntyre laid herself
down to sleep in the bed of her childhood bedroom----so safe--
--safe at last.
"What's wrong! I can't think---I feel so groggy. What's
happening?! Oh God, I'm going to vomit! Help!----------"
And as she inhaled that last time-----My queen! My goddess!
My darling young wife-------------she inhaled her vomit and
died. Oh God! Dear God! Would that it were I! Oh turn back
the clock and take my soul instead! Oh God------my heart is
broken! Why should I be above the ground and my brilliant
and beautiful young Lynn, my dark queen, be there beneath
the ground? Oh God be merciful to me! I feel the millstone
around my neck. I don't deserve your forgiveness but I
would die without it.
Yet she lives and is loved in the deepest depths of my
soul though the grief and pain wont let me dwell on my
wonderful memories of her and us--- My Scotch-Irish-Welsh
heart grieves over my dark Queen. God gave me a daughter
who could pass for Lynn's sister, a wonderful woman, a
daughter upon whom I can pour out all the love I feel for Lynn.
And God showed me what I did wrong with Lynn and taught
me how not to make those terrible mistakes again. My three
wonderful daughters are the products of His Love working
through me. I lost my dark queen, and He gave me three
wonderful dark queens to help heal my grief. Thank you, Jesus!
But then the memory comes slapping me back to the
reality that my beloved, wonderful, awesome, brilliant and
delicious Lynn is dead; my sweet, gentle, peaceful, and
darling little Beverly is gone; my radiant, super-mom,
wonder career woman, and precious Diane has closed the
door and locked me out; and my affectionate, generous,
kind, sweet, empoverished and three-kids-weary Paula
can't make up her mind about us. My dark Queens are
scattered and distant. My heart aches, but, as with
Camelot, there was a time of sweet loving that gave me the
priceless wealth of those wonderful memories. But the
memories don't glow, they aren't soft and warm, I can't
hold them, the voices are silent and their touch is gone.........
.....and I am sooooooooo alone without my dark Queens.
