I give many thanks to all who eventually read this whole
thing.
Thanks I give also to those who tested this product. (Isn't
that the same thing?!)
I'd like to thank Jon, Bob, the great fargle jag, and that
nice old lady at the hospitol
-Trent
(twelve-years-old in cosmic time, not
to mention today's time)
WHAT?
This is also Part 1 and it happens to be called
What
Chapter 1
Before I start, I must warn you, the reader, that there
may be some things that may be unclear to you, some
things that may be unclear to anybody, and some things
that are just plain stupid in this story. I must also warn
you that there might be some wrong words and other
various mistakes, I'm not a very good editor. If you have
any questions, try to inform me and I'll try and get back
to you in some way, I promise.
There are a certain few chapters in this story that have
been edited for parental approval and internet approval,
if you would like an unedited version of this story, you're
out of luck, I didn't make one, sorry.
"What do you think you're doing young man?" hollered
the teacher.
"Um," thought Jon, "Just putting the finishing touches
on my drawing of you, Ms. Kersplat."
"Well, let me see it."
" Uh, O.K."
Jon sat in the back of the class, which was a problem,
getting to the front of the class took a long, long time.
Why, you may ask? Well I'll tell you. First there was
getting past the bully, Butch, who charged you a fee for
passing by his desk. (For some odd reason, Ms. Kersplat
never noticed this. Rumor has it that Butch is the
Kersplat's son, and the ugly Ms. needed money.) Second
there was Cindy, who had this odd habit of sticking her
leg out in the middle of the rows and giggling. Huh?
One of many odd things in life was this: OTHER
PEOPLE. (And their spelling of potato(e).
The third problem was there were no rows, people had
to walk on the desks to the front of the room.
"Ouch."
"Get off my toe!" yelled an unnamed character
"Hehe he!" giggled Cindy
"Money, NOW!" demanded Butch.
"Get off my books!" yelled yet another unnamed
character.
"Here you go Ms. Kersplat."
One other of the odd things is: TEACHERS (Most of
them)
"This is very nice Mr. Dough, very nice indeed."
Why is it that people have to repeat things? Once you
find out, tell me, please.
"Why thank you, I always try my hardest."
"Nice enough to get you to go to the PRINCIPAL." It
seems to me that grown ups like to ignore kids, do you
find this to be common too?
"I laugh in the face of danger, but the principal is a
different story," thought Jon.
-For your convenience, I'll keep the chapters short and
sweet.-
Chapter 2
If the world was run by principals there would be
detention instead of jail, that would be great for
criminals, but not for the teacher that had to watch them
for those hundreds of years.
"I think I broke the record," thought Jon, "For getting
in trouble the most amount of times." JON'S
IMAGINATION AT THIS MOMENT: All together:
"Jon's going to die, Jon's going to die, hip hip hurray!"
Keeping his head low to the ground, Jon tried not to
make that squeaking sound with his shoes while walking
to the principal's office.
"Ah ha, caught you without a hall pass, for the forty-
third time!" shouted the hall monitor.
"It appears to me, that Ms. Kersplat didn't give me
one," Why is it that if you are the trouble maker of the
class, it seems like the teachers always try to get you in
more trouble?
"But that is no excuse."
"Neither is that big zit on your forehead." The hall
monitor went screaming down the halls to the boy's
bathroom, which seems odd because it was a girl.
"Now to the principal, maybe he'll give me a prize."
thought Jon.
Chapter 3
The long walk to the principals office was, well, long.
Another strange thing in life: When ever something bad
is happening, time goes in slow motion, almost like it is
trying to make you suffer.
Squeak, squeak went Jon's shoes as he approached the
door leading to the principal's office. The glass window
read: Bob, the principal. Ever so slowly he opened the
door.
"Don't come in!" hollered a strangely gruff principal
voice.
"But I'm in trouble," hollered Jon.
"Well that's a different story."
Jon walked in, and, "HOLY..."
"Oh drat, you found out about my secret."
"Y, yo,you,you're an alien!" shuttered Jon.
Did you ever read a story about how this third grade's
teacher was an alien? Yeah, I thought it was for third
graders also.
"Just because I have bright pink skin doesn't mean I'm
an alien."
Thump.(That was the sound of Jon fainting and falling
to the floor head first.)
It seems as though not one human can look at me for
more than a minute, and still stand, "Thought the
principal while putting Jon in a Joyotta.
All of this may just fly by your head, but my style of
writing is what I call "come again?" get the picture?
Chapter 4
Let me tell you about space, IT IS BIG. Some people
think that if you shot a bullet in space it would just float
out of the gun, wrong, it would blast out of the nozel
and fly on on, and on and on, but then
would eventually stop because of star dust. Because of
this using brakes in space is impossible.
CRASH!
"Hey, watch where ya' going buster!" belched a large
person walking out of a now totaled taxi cab.
"Is it that intergalactic taxi cab drivers don't have to
obey flight rules?" shouted Bob.
"Eh? BURP!!!!"
"That is what I thought"
Let me tell you this: There is no difference between
taxi drivers in space and on Earth. (No offence intended
to those who are cab drivers).
At that moment a large silver police craft flew in. A
pale orange lizard stepped out and zipped. (That's about
all pale orange lizards are able to do.) The other two
completely disregarded this and kept on fighting.
"Yeh, yeh, yeh, sure, sure, I bet Pelvis is still alive,"
Burbled the taxi cab driver.
"Aggghhhhh!" came a pleasingly blood curdling
scream from inside Bob's space ship. The lizard went to
search the taxi for the creator of the scream. Pale orange
lizards are more stupid than a certain one time vice
president.
"Eh, why ya' searching my car, it was his that the
scream came from," drunkly said the cab driver, @#$%,
while pointing the lizard in the right direction. (@#$%
was the taxi cab driver's name.)
***
You might be wondering how these creatures are
walking and talking in outer space without space suits.
We humans think that space has no air, we are wrong.
How, may you ask, do you know this, Almighty One?
Well, I'll tell you: When we launched the first space
shuttle with a plant on board we didn't realize that we
left a hatch open, and the plant fell out somewhere near
Mars. That plant
turned out to be a tree which gave off oxygen, which
finally filled all of space with life giving air, letting
anything breath anywhere.
***
"ZippzippZ I P P P!" angerly zipped the lizard, who
was pointing an ugly nail at Jon.
"Uh, let me guess, you're a pale orange lizard with the
I.Q. of a piece of bubble gum, and just so happens to be
a cop," successfully guessed Jon.
"Zup," agreed the lizard.
"I have one question, is this a space ship?" questioned
Jon.
"I have the answer," interupted Bob, "It's yes."
"Why am I here?" asked Jon.
"I can't answer that," replyed Bob.
"Why not? Is it some sacred secret of sacredness?"
"No you said you only had one question, and that
would make it two questions."
"That's completely stupid"
"No, just completely practical."
"Geeeeeeeeese."
Chapter 5
Let's sneak into Bob's space files:
Bob Flilpep
Born:10/34/303056
Planet:Zebwebmeb
Meaning in life:Nothing
Bob attended no college at the age of 789.1234, but
attended Waxford at age 789.1235. Knowing his life was
meaningless he told himself to do research on the
meaningless planet of the apes, Earth. We haven't heard
from him in a long time, but we're expecting him back
from that dull planet any day now.
This was stolen from The Business' files.
A few crashes later:
"So waita minute here..." almost questioned Jon.
"O.K., I'll count," interupted Bob.
"Geeeese, do you take everything literally in outer
space?"
"What else is there to do when your life is
meaningless?"
"WHAT?"
"Which part of that did you not understand?"
"I didn't get it when you said your life was
meaningless."
"Well, it is meaningless, nothing to it, not a reason for
living."
"Of course your life has meaning, you, um, well you
know what I mean."
"No, I don't."
"Well, I mean you're a person..."
"Worthless."
"You're not Worthless."
"No, I'm a Worthless."
"Oh, well any way, you're a worthless, yeah, your
life doesn't have meaning."
"Thanks for agreeing with me."
"Aw, shucks... Hey, I got an idea why don't we try to
find a meaning for your life."
"Sure, I have nothing else to do."
They waited 'till the next car crashed into them and left
for the nearest planet for a bite to eat. On the planet, Jon
bought a book called, "So, you're from Earth and you
don't know anything about space," and Bob bought the
latest issue of Interstellar Being, it didn't interest him.
They went to a place called, "The slaughter house," for a
cheese/blood/guts/human eye hamburger, yum are you
still hungry?
"Yum, are you still hungry?" asked Jon.
"Burppppp! No, are you?" Inquired Bob.
"No."
"How's the book?" Bob had to think of something to
say to keep himself from going bonkers from boredom.
"It's good, it just told me how to pick up a copy of
Interstellar Being if I was under age."
"Great."
"Isn't it though. Why did you take me with you into
outer space." Everybody looked as Jon said this.
"Well, I don't know, impulse I guess."
"So it wasn't because you thought I was going to be a
big problem in your master plan." At this everybody
looked at Bob like they wanted to say, "WHAT?"
"No," at this everybody sighed in relief, "It was
because I needed company on the long flight home
Chapter 6
If you didn't notice, I have now given plot to the story,
so now you will enjoy it even more than you have.
"What planet is it that you come from?" asked Jon.
"Zebwebmeb."
"What?"
"Z e b w e b m e b."
"Oh, what?
"Zebwebmeb, ZEBWEBMEB, got it?"
"No, I don't, but that don't matter."
"What?"
Let me interupt for a second. If you haven't noticed
this either, this is the chapter with the most, "What?"
"Never mind."
"O.K."
In Jon's book it says that saying "what" is a very cool
thing to do in space, but Jon hasn't gotten to that chapter
yet.
Jon and bob left the planet after another burger, Bob
let Jon drive, oops.
"So how old are you?" questioned Bob.
"Thirteen."
"Just don't let any cops see you."
"Those orange bellied lizards?"
"'No, that gorilla that you're about to run over."
SPLAT!
"Eewwwweeeee." complained Jon.
"Turn on the wind shield wipers."
"This button?"
"Noooooo!"
Going light speed is not very enjoyable. It is almost
like sticking your whole body in a blender, then trying to
put it back together without losing your lunch.
"Hey, that's a human eye I just spat up," screamed Jon.
"You spit up what you eat."
Chapter 7
"What do mean, 'you spit up what you eat?" shouted
Jon.
"I mean just that."
"So, you're saying that I ate a human eye ball?"
"Yup."
I don't know how to make a throwing up sound in
writing, so you have to imagine that because that is what
Jon did.
"What are those?"
"They are most likely somebody you knew's inards."
"(That sound again)"
"Let me take you to a hospital, you're acting strange."
"..."
Jon didn't know this, but the nearest hospital was a few
light years away, Bob didn't know this either. As a
matter of fact nobody knew this because when Jon hit the
light speed button, he held it down for to long, causing
the car to fly a few trillion light years away.
The nearest hospital was run by an elderly lady who
was born in one(A hospital.), she loved everybody, even
the person who killed her. She is a ghost, but don't tell
that to Bob and Jon.
"I have an erie feeling about this place, like it is
haunted by some overly kind old lady," whispered Jon.
"Me too," said Bob.
"High there, how are you doing?"
"Uh just fine." replied Jon.
"No he's not, he's been throwing up all over my car,"
argued Bob.
"Well then, sit on this table and I'll check you out,"
The lady was pale
white, but she seemed to have a lighter tint of white on
her decaying hands.
"No, it's O.K."
"Sit down!"
"Uh, oh, I think we're in trouble," whimpered Jon.
"Hey, woman, eat this!" said Bob while pulling out a
instant-destruckto gun.
Chapter 8
Bob pulled the trigger, and, BLAM!
"Where is the mess?" asked Jon.
"That's the problem with these new guns, no mess."
complained Bob
"That's to bad."
"Yea."
"Why did you do that anyway?"
"I thought it would be fun."
"Hey, you're getting loose!"
"I guess I am."
"Wow, I just looked around and noticed this place is
really neat!"
"What?"
"This place is really neat," Actually, the place was
incredibility stupid, but Jon just wanted something to do.
"Sure."
"C'mon let's explore!"
"Sure."
Jon and Bob explored the hospital, which didn't take
long because it was only three rooms in size. In the
emergency room Jon found a large bag, he opened it.
"Holy cow."
"What?"
"Money!"
Bob was there in a flash. He looked at the cash and
then screamed, loud, to loud. Somebody heard that
scream and flew over.
"What was that?" greedily asked Bob.
"It sounded like a car door closing."
"Somebody is after my money," said Bob while
reloading his gun.
"Hello? Helllllllo? " said a girls voice.
"Uh, oh, it's her," warned Jon.
"Who?"
"The HALL MONITER."
At that moment the hall moniter walked into the room
and got her arm blown off.
"Oops."
"What do you mean 'oops'?"
"I was going for her head."
"I agree with you."
"Hey, I just got my arm blown off," screamed the hall
moniter.
"Yea, I'm sorry about that, I was going for your head."
"Well, I'll be fare and let you shot again."
"Thanks."
"Let me shot, let me shot," begged Jon
"Well, O.K."
"Wow."
Bob handed the gun to Jon. Jon pointed the gun at the
hall moniter and thought, "I can't do this."
"Get on with it."
"I can't do this," shuttered Jon.
"Well, guys, if you aren't going to shoot me, let me
see your space passes."
BLAM!
Chapter 9
"I just killed somebody," Wimpered Jon.
"No you didn't, look!" shouted Bob.
"Hi there!" yapped a messed up hall moniter.
"This is even worse."
Chapter 10
"Eeeek!"
"What?"
"It's that granny I shot!"
"Eeeek!"
"Let me see you're hall pass."
"Shoot me again."
"Stop!" shouted Jon, "I can't take it anymore."
"What?" said the other three in unison.
"Uh, I don't know."
"As you say, geeese," blurted Bob.
"I never heard him say that," complained the hall
moniter.
"Of course, I just thought it up, cool ain'it?"
"What."
"?"
"What, is the hip word to say."
"Bob, did you know this?"
"No." lied Bob.
"Sure."
"No, really, I didn't know that."
"Geeese."
"Hey, that is what." agreed the hall moniter.
"Waita minute, I've never learned your name," Jon
thought out loud.
While Jon was saying that, the hall moniter was
spreading all over space teens minds by way of telepathy.
(Which all "dead" people get.)
"Wha, oh, my name is now blab, spelled with no
capitols."
"What do mean 'now?' "
"On Earth I was The Hall Moniter, but in outer space
I'm called blab."
"Excuse me, I'd like to warn you that a stroke is
coming along, a HAPPY
stroke."
"Aghhhh!"
Chapter 11
"I actually wanted to kill somebody."
"We all do, all the time. Remember when you got an F
in math, I don't, but you probably wanted to kill your
teacher, right?"
Jon then woke up, it was all a dream, good.
"He's awake," shrieked the hall moniter. The hall
moniter was blond, she had lived through the blond joke
period without going insane.
"He's awake."
"He's awake."
"O.K, O.K, I get it now, I'm awake. Duh."
"Do you want to hear the story of how you got here?"
asked Bob.
"No."
At that moment a teen walked into the room and said
"Geeeeese. Hey, I have this big headache and nobody is
doing anything."
"Don't mind him, he's a teen." May I point out that I
am a
teenager, so it is safe to say things about my breed, do
not try this if you are underage.
"I knew you wouldn't, nobody ever does,"
exclaimed Bob, refering to Jon's remark.
"Waita minute, did you say 'geeeese'?"
"What, I did," said the teen.
Thud.(That was the sound of Jon's head hitting the hard
bed.)
"He's asleep!"
"He's asleep!"
"He's asleep."
"Geeeese."
Let me talk to you, the reader, for a second. I just
want to say that I hate it in stories and movies when the
whole thing was just a dream, but a thing from the dream
exists, don't you hate those? I do too.
Chapter 12
Wow, that was a lot of confusion, I mean all those
people talking there own conversations at one time. I
hope you understood all that, it was confusing for me to,
but I'm the author, and I should be able to understand all
that. I can't.
After more confusing conversations somebody finally
noticed the teen, that's odd. It was blab, the hall
moniter, she noticed him and said, "Hi." That's all, then
she started another conversation, this one was about the
solar system and how it ties in with the existence of
cows.
Cows, actually, are very important in the existence of
the solar system. If cows didn't exist, we wouldn't exist,
this is how: We think that the first animals were some
single celled organisms, again we are wrong. The first
animals were cows, and they made indian myths, which
created us. Later the myths started to tell of the solar
system, creating that. Wow, that is a big mistake those
scientists made assuming that those amebas were the first
animals.
After even more conversations, somebody else noticed
the teen. This was Jon. "Hi, you look soooooo
stressed."
The teen replied, "I am."
"Want some tylenol?"
"What?"
"Want some tylenol?"
"What?"
"Never mind."
"Yes."
"What?"
"I said yes."
"What?"
"Never mind."
What Jon didn't know was that teens run on other
people. He will find this out when he becomes one.
(Although he is already an official teen, he is not a pure
one.) When I say they run on other people, I mean if
they don't get something from somebody else, they get
really stupid, tired, mean, etc. "What?" might you ask,
well I'll say, "Good, you finally speak space lingo."
"Stop! This is getting us nowhere!" shouted Bob
"Duh," said everybody else, except the teen, Zeeple.
Zeeple was his name, it wasn't very good, it meant old
cow that eats planets.
"Duh," lately said Zeeple.
"Jon and I have a life to find," shouted Bob, but a little
louder.
"And the meaning of what," added Jon.
"What?" asked blab.
"Yup."
"Geeeese."
"Hey," blurted Jon, "Can I have that copyrighted?"
"No."
"Darn."
That went on for awhile, but evolved into a talk about
cows. After leaving the hospital with blab and Zeeple,
they forgot the old lady, Jon looked up the meaning of
what in a dictionary he found floating in space. It read:
"What(how it looks) 1. a hip word 2. the state of being
what, you are so what. 3. I don't know, why don't you
add a plot to the what story you're writing and make it to
find the meaning of what."
"This is a bad dictionary," complained Jon.
"They all are," replied Bob.
"Space doesn't have a good reputation for good books,
the best are the ones in the "What" series by Trent
Boeschen.
"I never heard of those," remarked Jon.
"I know, he writes them in the future."
"How do you know this?"
"Time travel."
"What?"
"This button," at that moment blab pushed the button
that said don't push this button-The button said that
because the makers didn't want the owner to know what it
did-and the they were thirty years in the future. "Let's
find the nearest book store."
"What just happened?" squeaked Jon.
"We traveled through time."
"Oh."
"I think I see a book store," shouted Zeeple.
"Let's go!" shouted everybody at different times.
Chapter 13(I happen to like this number.)
This was written November 13, Friday.
The book store was like a, um, a, well, it was like a
big book store, which it was. The problem was that
nothing was organized, when you thought you where in
the nature section, you found a book about bombs and
other strange things. Luckly, there was one section that
was organized, the Trent Boeschen section, it wasn't
very big, just a few books about What. There was a big
screen LDTV(Laser Disk TV) on the top of the shelf. It
was showing the animated series of What, they weren't
very good, he had paid somebody from the planet Earth
to do them. Earth artists thought they were good, that's
another mistake by Earthlings. The drawings stank,
compared to Thrat, the greatest artist in the known
universe, Earth art was a pile of lost socks.
The gang went over to the Trent area and picked up a
thick book with all the What series in it. They had a hard
time picking it up though, not because it was heavy,
which it wasn't, it was because glued to the shelf. They
ripped the book of the shelf and took it to the cash
register.
"Hey, you ripped this off," zipped the lizard at the
desk.
"We had to," replied Jon.
"Oh."
The lizard took the book and rang up the price.
100,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000.99(no tax)
The group talked to each other about this price and
came up with this.
"I have the money in the car, let me take the book with
me to remember the price," said Bob.
"OK."
The whole group ran out of the store and got in the car.
After starting up the engines, blab noticed that they
hadn't taken the book with them, but luckily the lizard
walked out with the book and gave it to them.
"You forgot this."
"Thanks," yelled Bob over the hum of the motor.
"Can I have the money?"
"No."
"OK."
Chapter 15
Jon skimed the book, it took him about two hours, but
that was nothing because blab spent two hours pressing
the button to find the time they left from.
"Good book."
"What," said, not asked, blab.
"Good book."
"Yea, I said What."
"Geeeese."
The book was really good, according to the family of
the author, but aren't they supposed to think it's good?
Let's get into the history of the title: One day on a rocky
private beach in Tahoe two boys were talking:
"You know, a good title of a book would be What."
"What?"
"Exactly."
"Huh?"
"I mean the title would be What."
"Yea that would be good."
"Just think, if it got on the top, the people would say,
"And the top book is what."
"Yea and the other guy would say, 'That's what the
people want to know."
And that went on for awhile, but got into a
conversation about cows.
Cows, actually, aren't the most important things in
existence, lizards are. They are stupid and let people
have things for free. If we didn't have lizards, we would
live in a stupidity free Vice President free area. Lizards
are the base of stupidity, they created the idea of Vice
President, who created stupid birds called quales, who
became Vice Presidents.
Chapter 14
Oops.
Chapter 16
The book was about a group of people finding things,
life, what, cars, space burgers. This reminded Jon
about he and Bob's search for the meaning of Bob's life.
That didn't matter, he had to find the meaning of what.
"Bob have you found the meaning of you're life?"
questioned Jon.
"Yea."
"What is it?"
"To have fun!"
"What? Arrghhh, I wish I knew the meaning of that
word."
That went on into a talk about cows. Many people
have their own idea about the greatest thing in existence,
blab's is talking, Zeeple's is the new zit removal
machine, Jon's is, well, nobody knows that, Bob's is
fun.
A thought struck the car, it wasn't able to go through
the window and strike Jon. Jon thought this: If I went
around asking kids what they thought what meant, I
would get the answer. Jon was wrong, asking kids
would just confuse him. Nobody knows the meaning of
what. Jon wanted to go to an arcade to ask kids and see
what space games are like.
"Let's go to an arcade." said blab.
"I was going to say that."
"That's nice. C'mon, let's go." screeched blab.
"OK."
They went to the nearest arcade, it was horrible. All
the games had a selection of characters to chose from,
and all they did was fight.
"Wow, the cool games in space are just like all the
games on Earth, but worse," Complained Jon.
"Let me tell you, everything in space is worse than on
Earth," advised blab.
"Space isn't as great as I thought it was."
"Ditto."
According to everybody who's been to space says that it
is bad. This is because there is no Japan in space,
nobody thought of it, it seems like a simple idea, but
nobody ever thought of it.
"If space had a Japan..." said Jon. Boom, Japan was
made at that moment, making everything better. At the
moment that that happened, Jon was playing a game.
"Wow, this game just got really cool."
This happened because somebody had heard him, gone
back in time, and made Japan. The idea of this came to
Jon as a load of stinky diapers.
Chapter 17
"That's a lode of stinky diapers," yelled Jon.
"But it's true," said Blab.
Zeeple is gone for a while because he thought a
different group was the one he was with and got in their
car and got flown to Earth. Don't you hate it when you
think that somebody else is the person you're with, and
you do something stupid? I love it, it makes me want to
just fall over laughing.
It took a while before Jon finally got how it worked.
Not exactically a while, but about two hours because he
had to have some things that he didn't understand
explained to him, like how cows are the most important
things.
Space is confusing, so many different directions, and
nobody knows which way is north. This is a problem
because when somebody asks for directions to an area, if
the person says north, the other person might think that
north was another way. The problem is that if the person
points in the direction, the driver might look down at
something, then lose all sense of direction. This
happened to "The Gang" after they left the arcade.
"Which way to The Place That Knows The Meaning Of
Everything?" Asked blab.(Bob is a man, do you expect
him to ask for directions?)
"North." said a large lizard. The lizard is a common
creature in space, like on Earth, the humans are the most
common creature.
"Thanks." thank you'd blab.
After that the group headed in what was the lizards
west, but the lizard had gotten his directions mixed up
and the group went in the right direction.
"The Place" was supposed to know the definition of
every word, it didn't know one word...
"What?" asked a skinny, green lizard.
"Exactically."
"Exactically means perfect or right on the button, in
lizard it means to eat your older sibling that has a toy you
want." recited the lizard.
"No, I want the definition of the word what."
"Don't know that one, nobody does."
After that, the place was called "The Place That Knows
The Definition Of Everything, Except For What." This
got everybody confused, confusion lead to a riot, and
lead to the explosion of a whole galaxy, in a place far,
far away.
When Japan existed, everybody lost their jobs, so,
somebody blew Japan up. The explosion was big, to big.
It Destroyed five other galaxies, Jon, blab and Bob were
in one of those at the time. They happened to be there
because they were heading for Japan.
Why would anybody want to go to Japan? I ask you.
Well, Jon thought that if they manufactured things made
in America, they manufacture dictionaries, which hold
the meanings of what.
"What?" screamed Jon.
Chapter 18
"What do you mean we're dead?" argued Jon.
"Well, I mean you're dead, kicked the bucket, jumped
off the cleepeketh, you know, dead." stated another
version of god. This god was a rebel, he wore leather,
hang out with the bad godly creatures, all that ungodly
stuff.
"How?"
"Somebody blew up Japan, you were caught in the
explosion."
"Geeeese."
"I got it! You give me something, I let you live."
"What do you want?"
"You're car."
"Oh, that's OK it's not mine, you can have it."
"Hey!" shouted Bob.
"Don't worry, I got it covered." Before Jon could say
any more they were in a place that seemed to have been
bombed. It wasn't as bad as most people would think,
just a few little pieces of planets floating around.
"You people don't belong here," said a cop that was
eating what appeared to be a doughnut.
"What?"
"Don't be smart with me young man, I know you're
lingo, you hip cat." The officer wasn't a lizard, this one
was a snake, a snake trapped in the sixtees.
"Shut up, I need to talk to my friends."
"Hey, you can't talk to me that way."
Jon turned from the snake and faced Bob, with a
puzzled look, "What do we do?"
"I don't know, what do you think blab."
"I think we run."
"OK"
So the group ran from the cop and headed to the nearest
whole planet, which wasn't very far. Actually, the
nearest planet was very far, but the nearest car shop
wasn't, and that is what the group needed, a car.
"Oh blonglabs."
"Don't speak like that, but what?" consernly spoke
blab.
"I left my wallet in my car."
"Good one."
At that moment there was a god having a good time
with Bob's money and credit cards. The problem with
this is that Bob can't get to a phone to cancel his credit
card, even if he could, they don't have any money to pay
for the call.
As the group approached the car shop they discused the
problem.
"Why don't we just test drive it for a long while?" blab
suggested.
"OK, that works, then we can return it," said Jon.
"What?! Are you stupid? We won't have to return it,
that's a lizard in there." yelled Bob.
"Geeeese."
In fact, the lizard was intelligent, but it didn't realize
it, so it thought that it was stupid. Don't ask me how this
could possibly be, it was just like that.
The group walked into the car shop, it was called,
"The Car Shope, No Waita Minute, It's 'The Car Shop' "
It was run by a lizard. Inside was a lot of shelves with
different cars on them, the group walked up to a red one,
blab liked red, and picked it up, space has no gravity.
"We'd like to test drive this one."
"Uh?"
"We're going to take this one for free."
"OK."
Chapter 19
What is the point of all this? thought Jon. There was
no point in all this, but Jon, or anybody else know that.
There was no point in anything, until the Super Pig
comic came out thirty years from now. Super Pig was a
character thought up by Trent Boeschen, but when he
put his idea in the school newspaper, an artist from
another, more powerful newspaper stole it, Trent was
made 99.9 BILLION dollars less rich. He got mad, and
wrote a book about how much he hates it when you think
of something and somebody able to get money off it
steals it.
Super Pig was made in the future, but somebody
brought tons of copies into the past to sell more. The
comic was doing good in the comic selling list, but it
started to drop and lose money for the company. One
day, somebody from that company was reading an old
comic about the death of a hero, who, they thought was
invincible, except to certain stone, but I won't mention
names, and said that the company should do what that
other company did, and kill their once thought all
powerful character.
Jon and the rest of the people happened to end up in a
comic book store, and Jon noticed the comic with the
cover that said "The true death of SUPER PIG!" Jon
noticed this because he went to the school that had that
comic. "HOLY COW!"
"What?" asked Bob
"Yea, I just realized that I read a school newspaper that
had a comic strip written by Trent Boeschen."
"Wow."
"But, this comic says it's by Clapslyt Dtinth."
"That's because it's written by him."
"But it was written by Trent in my school, that means
that somebody most of stolen the idea from him."
"Gosh."
"It must of been somebody from that newspaper with a
two letter nickname, I heard that they didn't like my
school very much."
That went into a conversation about cows. Eventually,
Jon tried to by the comic, but didn't have any money, so
he told that to the person at the desk.
"I understand," said the blue human, "we all need a
copy of the death of Super Pig."
"Thanks."
"Just take it and run before I get out my gun."
At that Jon ran.
Chapter 20
Super Pig was an important part of every little boy's
life, like those green reptiles that are a important part of
every boy's life now. Super Pig had every thing, except
a weakness, he couldn't die, that is something what the
person who stole the idea forgot to find out. When a pig
doesn't have a weakness, that is when people draw the
line.
The character, "Super Pig," was to well known,
everywhere. Every time you turned you saw Super Pig,
in kids hair, the cartoon, they even went past the limits
and made Super Pig underwear. Super Pig became real
in all kids minds, over two thousand kids died because
they thought they could fly like Super Pig. This didn't
stop anybody, they made him get violent, he ate food,
only chewing once, he went to zoos, and fed the
animals.
After the first ten years of Super Pig, it became stupid.
"This is stupid," complained Jon.
"That's space for you," said blab.
"Is everything in space this bad?"
"I already told you, yes."
At that moment they were trying to find a parking spot
on a planet. This planet sold mainly those little dice
people put on their rear-view mirror. They didn't get
many sales.
"I'd like to by the fuzziest dice you have."
Only desperate people shopped there.
"Pink please."
Only insane people shopped here.
"Thank you."
Only Bob shopped here. Bob is a nuts over dice, really
fuzzy ones.
Dice are something nobody needs, but everybody has.
The reason everybody has dice is this: If we didn't have
dice, what else would we hang on our rear-view mirrors?
People are crazy about useless stuff, like books with
really what titles, and pictures. Why do we want such
things? This is why: There is a section in our brain that
requires things like pictures, especially mothers. When
the brain doesn't get such things, it goes crazy, and
writes books, this is why there are so many books.
Part 2!
You've made it this far with out falling asleep
(That's not the name of part two.)
Why?
Chapter 21
"Why is this all happening to me?" said Jon.
"That's life, you never know why anything is
happening," remarked blab.
That is true, you never know why anything is ever
happening. This is because there is no meaning to
anything, just try and think of one possible reason, see,
you can't think of one. Nothing really has any reason,
except for fun. Fun. Wow, fun is, well, fun, we can't
live without fun.
"Why?"
"I dunno."
There is an ultimate question, I don't know what it is,
and nobody else does. There is an ultimate joke, I don't
know what it is, and nobody else does. There is an
ultimate author, I know, but I won't say, or else you'll
think I'm conceited. (Just kidding.)
The ultimate question must be in the area of, "What is
the meaning of life?" if so, I know the answer, it is
why, yes, why. This is because WHY do you need to
know?
"I got an idea, let's go to my home planet!" excitedly
shouted Bob.
"You mean Deadheadland."
"No, Zebwebmeb."
"Oh, yea."
Getting to Bob's planet was easy, all he had to do was
fly 23 light years. (That's the planet their flying over.)
"Wow, we happen to be flying over it right now, what
a coincidence," hinted Bob.
"Geeeese."
Everything is a coincidence, it's just that some things
seem a little more coincidental. How? You want a CD,
but need a ride, you ask somebody who can drive, and
they might take you, pure coincidence. If they don't take
you, pure coincidence.
The group landed on the planet, on Bob's house.
"Oh, geeeese, look what I done!" cried Bob
"You stupid idiot, you just landed on somebody's
house!" yelled Jon
"Duh, I realized that, and it is, er, was my house!"
"Ha, ha."
"And you were going to stay there!"
"Geeeese. How could you do this?"
This was usual for Bob, just he didn't remember it
because of his depressed era. Some fictional character
characters are so stupid!
Chapter 22
Bob's house was odd, it was only 99 stories high, but
each story had only one room on it, and the stairs took
up most of the space. But that's to bad, because that was
Bob's house, it isn't very worthy of being called a house,
maybe a room, but not a house.
"This is great."
"Why?"
"I was being sarcastic."
"Why?"
"I was angry."
Why do people be sarcastic in horrible situations such
as our heros? Let me tell you this: Humans aren't the
most understandable creatures. The most understandable
creatures aren't in this universe, they don't exist, you
might think that you are understandable, you aren't, it
might be something small, like how you talk.
What to do in a situation such as Jon's: Scream. What
else is there to do, nothing. Just think, if you were taken
into outer space, put through strange predicaments, and
have no place to sleep. Scream.
"Aggggggghhhhhhhh!" screamed Jon.
They could sleep in a hotel, but there aren't any on
Zebwebmeb.
"Why don't we leave this planet?" suggested blab.
"We can't, our pretty red car was killed by my house."
"You should've had a sign on your house that said
BEWARE OF HOUSE," stupidly remarked Jon.
"That's stupid," said blab.
"Thank you."
Jon does have a family, so let's check in on them for a
few chapters.
Chapter 23
"Honey, where's Jon?" asked Jon's mother.
"I don't know, didn't he come home from school?"
asked Jon's dad in return.
This is odd that Jon's parents were worrying so soon, it
was only three o'clock, and Jon wasn't expected till four.
"No, he didn't, and he said that he was going to come
home early."
Oh.
"Just forget about it, he'll come home soon."
That was something that George, Jon's dad, made a
mistake in saying. Most likely Jon would not be coming
home.
That night the two parents were watching TV.
"And later that day at twelve o'clock, a flying
craft was seen leaving the school from the
principals office, where Jon Dough-spelled
Dough, not Doe-had been last. Alien, or just
drug overdosage, see almost solved mysteries
for the answer," said the TV.
"Oh dear," cried Martha, Jon's mother.
"What's wrong, we've lost Jon, that's good."
"Oh, I never thought of that."
They then threw a party, it stank. It stank because they
didn't know anybody. They didn't know anybody
because nobody liked Jon because they didn't like him,
nobody did, it was just the way he was.
"I bet my parents are throwing a party," thought Jon.
I bet Jon thinks that we are probably throwing a party,"
thought Martha. Martha and George then went to talk to
people they didn't know.
"The weather is horrible," said the person George
didn't know.
"It sure is," responded George.
"The weather is great," said the person Martha didn't
know.
"It sure is," responded Martha.
The weather was horrible, it was smoggy, foggy, and
the air was stale, one of Whatever the Name of This
Town Is' best days.
The party got worse just then. Somebody fell off the
deck.
"Ooooooooooooooowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwe!"
"What was that?!" screamed Martha.
"Oh, Ben just fell off the roof," said somebody the two
parents didn't know.
"Who is Ben?"
"You don't know him."
"Arrrrrggggghhhhh!"
"What?"
"We don't know anybody at our own party!"
"Forget about that, we have to save Bob, er, Ben."
Martha then ran out the door screaming about how
having a child was a big mistake. She ran all the way to
the grocery store, she needed to pick up some eggs, they
were out. After doing that she ran as far as she could.
"Whoa, what a bummer," said a man in his fifties.
"I didn't like her anyways," commented George.
Chapter 24
Martha came to a gas station, it was fairly dirty, it was
called Slob's Garage. HELPFUL HINT IN LIFE: Don't
get to acquainted with places with names that sound like
how a toilet can be.
"This looks like a good gas station," thought Martha.
"This place looks like a dump," thought the real
Martha.
It was a dump, a few dead bodies here and there, a
leaking pump, and a cloud of cigaret smoke in the "snack
spot."
"What can I get cha'?" spoke a large, well, slob.
"A life."
"Sorry, don't sell those."
"Geese. No body sells life's, you can't, you're usually
born with it."
"Then why did you want to by it from me?"
Martha then left, she had a good reason, the smoke
was getting to her eyes. She ran on, but had to stop
because she bumped into a space ship.
"Oh boy," she whispered.
The door of the space ship opened, and four aliens that
looked like a drugged till death "rock" star came out.
They stood at about three feet high, but there fat hang
out about four feet.
"Uh Huh, you ain't nothing but a hound dog," rudely
sang one of the Elvis''.
"Pardon me?"
"You are nasty looking, you let your hair grow long
and you got no side burns."
"Well then, I'm not going to let you abduct me, I was
thinking about it, but since you're so rood, I won't."
"To bad, uh huh," uh huhed one of the Elvis''.
"Oh dear."
The aliens took Martha into their space ship. The space
ship was filled with different drugs, most of them not
necessary for survival. Also in the space ship were many
sequin jumpsuits, all of them made for somebody fat.
The ship was seen by one person besides Martha, but
there video camera was meant for taking bad pictures of
the lockness monster, not space ships, so nobody
believed that it was a space ship on the video.
After some drugs were used, the ship lifted off into
space, to the planet of the dead stars.
Chapter 25
The Elvis' sang all the way to the planet, the music was
horrible, their voices were horrible, the ride was good.
The ride was good because the the space ship was a new
Joyota, the best brand in the known universe. The
reason the Elvis' had such a good car was because they
stole it.
"Wow, this is a nifty space ship," said Martha.
"I know, stole it myself, uh huh, that is what I did,"
spoke one of the Elvis'.
"Shame on you."
The Elvis' went back to singing, it was a song about a
jail, and how the people in it liked to "rock." Martha's
ears were pleased when the singing came to a stop, but
not for long, the singing started again, this time it was
even worse.
"STOP IT!!!!!!" shreaked Martha.
"You insultin' our singing?"
"Uh huh, look, you got me doing it too."
"I say we leave her on this astroid that's comin' up."
"I say we teach her to sing like us."
If I were one of those Elvis' I would want to take
Martha to my planet and let her see what happens to
people who don't like the "King," but I'm not the "King,"
so I don't have to worry about it.
Why would anybody want somebody drugged as
the"King" as their king? I wouldn't. I'm glad I wasn't
alive when the king was on the throne. I can't stand
Elvis, I couldn't stand Elvis, I never will be able to stand
Elvis. Some people liked the king, so I won't make any
more comments.
"I hated the king," thought Martha.
The three people in Martha's subconscious: "I kinda
liked him." "I liked him a lot." "I hated him, so will you
to be quiet and let me listen to the Monkeys, they're on
the radio right now."
"I like the Monkeys," thought Martha.
Those three nuts: "I love the Monkeys." "They are the
best." "Now you guys see it our way."
The ship finally arrived at the planet of the dead stars,
Martha was sent to the nearest planet when somebody
heard that she liked the Monkeys. Wow, what a
surprise, Zebwebmeb was the nearest planet, isn't that
just amazing?
Chapter 26
Well, back to Jon and the group.
"I have a feeling that my mom is in big trouble," stated
Jon.
"Why do you feel that?" asked blab.
"Cause she's over there trying to by a newspaper with
American currency," remarked Jon.
"Woa. That's worse than having your mom come to
school," commented blab.
"Yea."
"JON!"
"Great, she noticed me."
Martha walked over to Jon and hugged him. Jon felt
the ultimate imbarasment. He, amazingly, is the only
one whose felt the ultimate imbarasment.
The ultimate imbarasment is when your face turns so
red you feel like somebody stuck a grenade in you mouth
with the fuse started.
"Jon, who are these people?" asked Martha.
"Well, that is Bob, a Worthless, and that is blab, a
hall moniter from Earth."
"blab, the hall moniter from Earth, sounds like a
horror movie."
"I think it is," stated blab.
"Wow. Hey, to get off the subject, did you know they
don't except American dollars?"
"No, I did not know that," spoke Bob for the first time
in this chapter.
"Mom, we haven't been able to buy anything on this
planet, we don't have any money, or a car, or a place to
stay," said none other than Jon.
Now the gang is in deeper trouble, they still don't have
any money, and they now have a mom watching over
their shoulders.
"Mom, can you survive on your own?" asked Jon.
"OK."
That was true, she would later get a job as a mom for a
family of little pink children, all of which were named
Bob.
Chapter 27
Let me tell you about why people only take bad pictures
of aliens.
Just think, if somebody took a good picture of an alien
space ship, and turned it into some place that will look at
it and confirm it is a picture of U.F.O. Eventually
someone will look at it with close attention and find new
technology, build a super space ship, and our planet will
be in the huge space war, whatever that is.
If all that were to happen, which it probably wouldn't,
our whole planet will probably be blown up. You don't
want that, do you?
Back to the story.
"What are we supposed to do now?" asked Jon.
"Steal that car," whispered blab.
"Steal?!" yelled Jon.
Everyone around, which was a family of pink people
called Bob, looked at them, as if to say, "Shame," and
then click their tunge like people some times do.
"Oh, just tell the whole planet why don't you."
"Well, I not going to steal a car."
"I hear you have car problems," said a man who had
overheard the conversation.
"Yea, we don't have one," stated Bob.
"I'll give ya one, for a price."
"What's the price?"
"Um, let's see, I got it! You give me one of your
fingernail clippings."
"What?" Screamed Jon.
"Fingernail clippings."
"O.K."
Jon gave the man one of his fingernail clippings for a
blue BMW type car. The gang then left the planet, they
were all very satisfied with the trade, except Jon, whom
liked that fingernail very much.
Chapter 28
They flew for a few hours, not knowing where they
were going, suddenly Jon shouted, "Aghhhhhhhhhh!"
At the sound of that great yell Bob crashed, again.
Bob was very good at crashing, he did it all the time, it
was sort of a hobby.
"That was a very good crash," noticed Jon.
"Why thank you, I take care in my crashes,"
proclaimed Bob.
While Bob and Jon chatted about the crash, blab
noticed the surroundings: Strange one eyed, blue-green,
three legged creatures roamed the red water lake covered
by the black grass that covered planet. Occasionally, a
hill would explode, that happened for no apparent
reason, may be because it just wanted to. At one
momment a creature stumbled over to the ship, but a hill
exploded and the creature was gone.
"Um, guys, I think we're in big trouble now," half
whispered blab.
"What do you mean?" asked Bob.
"Look outside."
"Oh boy."
"What is the matter, you act as if we are on the type of
planet where if you crash, you are stuck because the
aliens are missing some of their brain," correctly stated
Jon.
Will our heroes get off the planet? Are they
destined to certain doom? Tune in next
chapter, same bat book, next bat page.
Chapter 29
The amazing trio stepped out of the car and on to the
planet, but unfortunately the hill they were standing on
exploded, they died, again. As you will find out in later
chapters of this very book!
"Welcome to heck!" shouted a funny voice.
"Oh dear," whimpered Bob.
"Yeah, so this is heck," said Jon.
Heck is bad, well, of course it is, it's heck. But this is
worse than ours, it's a life of soap opera, not just shows,
but the full thing, I mean living it. Let's now take a
momment to thank who ever's fault it is for sending us
here instead of there.
That was great, but now back to heck, that sounds like
life. (But only sometimes.).
"Oh my jumping cheese blenders! We are in a true
heck, this is exactly what I thought heck would be like,"
shreaked blab.
"That is the point dear," laughed the voice.
"Who are you?" yelled Jon.
"I'm your worst nightmare."
"You can't be CNN."
"Oh yes, and I'm also all those other stupid channels
you get with cable.
"GET ME OUTA HERE!!!!!" said Jon as he pounded
on Bob, who was caused pain by that.
"I like those channels."
"I'm also your worst nightmare."
"NOOOooooooooooooooooooooooo."
"Ha ha ha."
"You low down slimy pigheaded piece of scrap lead,"
uttered blab.
"Why thank you, I take pride in my work."
"Geeeeese." (Guess who.)
"Wha????? I didn't do nothin' except my job," spoke
the devil.
"Ha!"
"Can you pathetic people hold on for a second?"
"Why?"
"Cause I gaut a new victim of disaster."
Amazingly that victim was.....
Chapter 30!!!!!
I bet you want to know who the person is, but why
should I tell you? I'll give you a hint, naaaaaa, It would
be to easy. This is to get you thinking, you see, your
expecting me to make someone silly or obvious appear.
But I know that you know that, so now you're sure it's
going to be somebody funny. Now I know that you know
who I going to have, so I wont do that. This could go on
forever, so I'll make it stop by telling you who it is, but
that would ruin the fun, so I won't.
"Gosh, I wonder who that other person could be?"
questioned Jon.
"I bet it's that old lady," noted blab.
"I bet you're right, she was destined to die soon,"
added Bob.
"I bet my after life it's a movie star," betted Jon.
"OK, I bet it's that old lady."
"Me to," stated Bob.
Too bad for those losers, it isn't either of those, it's
actually...
"Guys, come over here and meet God."
"God?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!" they all said at the same time.
"Are you guys deaf?"
"Why God?" asked Jon.
"That's what I wanted to know," spoke God.
"Let me tell you a story.... Naaa, never mind, it's
really stupid." said the Devil.
"Come on, tell it," whined Jon.
"Well, O.K. Long ago there were two little boys, but
they had different skin color, so their moms didn't let
them play with each other. Well, the red boy got fed up,
and killed the glowing white boys mom, that boy was
sent to work in heck for the rest of eternity.
"A few years after that the white guy became a
powerful being, controlling all living things, but he was
baaaaaaaaaad, he did things completely wrong. That
guy was killing all the wrong people, you know Super
Pig, he killed him, but that's not the point, the point is
that he was a bad boy.
"One day that boy was playing with matches, and
boom! His clothes caught on fire and burned him into
ashes. The glowing guy was sent to heck, where the red
boy was sent, now the red boy gets to torture God."
"And, the moral is...." blurted blab.
"Oh, there's supposed to be a moral?"
"That was one heck of a geese," noted the Devil.
"Why thank you," said Jon.
After acting nice and polite, the Devil threw Jon and
the gang in the torture room, it's a Devil thing.
The torture room is like a large oven, but it doesn't
have gas.
"What is that smell?" asked blab.
Well, I lied, it does have gas.
God hid his face.
"God?! I'm ashamed of you," stated blab.
"Now what?" asked Jon.
"I don't know," spoke Bob.
"Oh my gosh, I completely forgot, I'm God, I can do
anything." shouted God.
"Yea, you could just put us on another planet," stated
blab.
"Here goes. Erummmmmmphhhhhhh, it didn't work."
"Geeeese, and I thought you were God," complained
Jon.
"I just don't get it, my powers have always worked
everywhere."
NOTE: I forgot to tell you, when you go to heck, the
Devil gets all your powers.
At that moment the Devil was having a ball deciding
who lives and who dies.
Meanwhile God and the gang where having a little bit
of trouble getting out of heck. (Maybe that was because I
can't think of any possible way.)
"Let's just wait for a miracle," hopefully said blab.
Amazingly, a miracle did happen, a new person
became God and saved the group.
Chapter 32
"Where are we?" asked Jon. (Into thin air.)
"Heaven," said yet another strange voice.
"A land full of video games?" wondered Jon.
"No! Heaven."
"That is my interpretation of Heaven."
"Geeeeese."
"Hey, that's my line."
"Geeeeeeese." (That was you, geeeesing at that bad
line.)
"Now just waita minute, I used to run Heaven, who
are you?!" yelled God.
"I'm God."
"I'm God"
"Oh, I'm your replacement."
"REPLACEMENT?!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!"
"Now keep your ugly Greek close on. When you died
they had to find a replacement, they chose me."
"Geeeese." (That was Jon.)
"Well, now that we have that settled, let's go," rushed
blab.
"Not so fast, you don't leave Heaven."
"Hey, can I see Elvis?" asked Bob.
"Elvis? Oh that thing, he went to heck."
"Darn, just missed him."
"What is it with Elvis? I have heard his music, it
wasn't good, actually, it stunk, it was horrible, no sir, I
don't like it." (Thank you Mr. Horse on Ren and
Stimpy.)
"Well, I did, so na nana na nana."
"If it matters, I would like to say, I hated the bum!"
(blab.)
"I didn't like him either," said God.
"Well, I didn't ask for your opinions," said Bob while
he was walking away.
"Where are you going?" asked Jon.
"I'm trying to find someone who liked Elvis," replied
Bob.
After that, God (The original.) walked off.
"Where are you going?" asked blab.
"I'm looking for a new job."
After that blab walked away.
"Where are you going, as if I care?" asked God.
"Looking for a life."
As the others walk off, Jon finds himself alone with
God, but not for long because god then looks for
somebody to help.
Chapter 33
"What in heaven's name am I doing here in heaven?"
"."
"Oh yea, forgot, I'm alone."
Jon started walking, he didn't know where he was
going, why he wanted to get there, or If he'd like it there
or not. He walked for a long time, not noticing the
wonderful surroundings. If he had noticed the
surroundings, he would've jumped with joy, for the
surroundings were that of his home on Earth.
"Gee, I wish I were still on Earth, I didn't like it there,
but I never died." At that Jon tapped the heels of his
shoes three times while saying "There's no place like
home, there's no place like home." He then looked up,
and fell to the ground kissing it. "It really works!"
A few moments later Jon's dad came out and took Jon
inside.
"Dad! I was just in outer space! You see, my
principal was an alien, and he took me into his space
ship and blasted off." Jon went on with the rest of the
story, not knowing that he was actually talking to one of
Gods helpers.
"That's nice, but I need to tell you something, I not...."
"Wow, that's great, but I need to get to know the place
again, mind if I wonder off?"
"No."
Jon went racing through the house, then he found it,
his room, he bent down and thanked God for this
wonderfull miracle.
"You are very welcome," spoke God.
"G, God!?"
"No, it's just God."
"How, why?"
"You are not on Earth, you are still in Heaven."
"But how? This is exactly like my home on Earth."
"Yes, that is because you were wishing so deeply, it
appeared."
"So anything I wish for will come true?"
"Yup."
"This is too easy."
"But beware, if you misuse it, you will be sent to
Heck."
"Geeese."
"That's what I said."
Chapter 34
Jon pondered this situation for moment, then tried to
figure out a way to get out of heaven. He thought for a
few minutes, nota clue. If only he could get to heck,
then he would irritate the devil so much that he let him go
back with the living.
Hours later Jon herd a cash machine sound in his head,
ah ha! All he had to do was think of something bad.
"Gota think, what is so bad that God would send me to
heck? I know, I'll think of Heck."
As Jon thought hard, the world of Heck came into the
surroundings, he opened his eyes and waited for god to
send him to Heck.
"He's probably not watching me right now."
At that very moment God was on some exotic planet
having a party a someone else's house, whom, he didn't
know.
Jon decided to find the Devil in this imaginary place,
and annoy him.
"Hey you, red head! Yea you, get over here! You
know you are as ugly as a dead frogs butt."
"WHAT?!"
"You heard me, you're as ugly as a dead frogs butt."
"I'd punish you but a bus full of lawers just exploded
and I gota lot a new customers."
"Ha! Good joke! I bet you can't tell better insults than
I can."
"Be gone with you."
"Ha H........"
At that Jon was brought back to real life, on a planet
full of pears.
"...a, I knew you couldn't do any better than me?
Where am I, I didn't think this up! Why are there pears
all over the ground?"
The pears where all over the ground because it was
pear season, soon there would be watermelons all over,
then bannannas, then tons of fruit flies.
"I think I'm in trouble now."
He was in trouble, for in the next two days a space ship
filled with dogs would come by and pick him up, take
him to their planet, then dissect him.
"Bark! Commander, we will reach the planet in two
days exactly."
"Thank you for the report skipper, you are off duty
now, go to your fire hydrant and relax."
PART THREE!!!!
We've made it this far.
Where?
I'll tell you now, none of these names make sense.
Chapter 1
(The other number was getting out of hand.)
"Oh honorable fargle jag, I come seeking advise."
"The wise men are all wise, but none of them are truly
all wise."
"Wha? Anyways, I must know which way I should
make my life head."
"The one who knows is not the only one."
"Huh? Well, you must tell me if I should marry the
one I truly love, or the one that is nice."
"Two apples in the hand are better than none in the
tree."
"Oh, I have many other questions."
"The one who asks is the one who really knows."
"But I can't find the answers, that is why I come to
you."
"The one who travels the farthest is the one who gains
the most knowledge."
"But I only walked across the street."
"The street can be a great thing, if it is properly walked
upon."
"Oh boy, this is going to be tough."
"The tough one is the best one."
"On to the subject. If I buy 1 car, I will not be in debt,
but if I buy 2 cars, I will get all the babes, which path
should I take?"
"The caravan makes it's own path."
"Thank you, I deeply appreciate it, I will leave now."
"The one who pays the thousand dollars will not be
thrown in jail."
As that person left, an new one came in.
"Oh great fargle jag, I come in pain."
"One must have many pains before enjoying life."
"Oh, now I get it, thank you great fargle jag."
"The one who pays the bill gets half price on the next
half- hour."
"Here you go, I'll be gone now."
"The one who leaves the quickest is on the great fargle
jags good side."
"Oh mentionable fargle jag, I come with lots of cash,
and lot's of time."
"The one who pays the most is the one who becomes
the richest."
"Which came first, the chicken, or the egg?"
"The egg must come for the chicken to hatch."
"If a tree falls on a forest ranger, and nobody is around,
will there be a scream?"
"The scream is mightier than the brain."
"If a rooster lays an egg on the top of the farm house,
which way will it fall?"
"The rooster is not the one to lay the eggs."
"Which is quicker, the hand or the eye."
"The one to be thought to move fast, does not move
fast at all."
"Oh I thank you."
"The one who forgets the bill, is the one who deserves
nothing for himself."
"Oh worthless thingymigig."
"The one who calls others names is the true worthless
one."
"Huh?"
"Get out!"
Chapter 2
As the ship approached the planet Jon sat around
getting sick of pears.
"One thousand miles and counting."
"That is very good."
"1 mile and count..."
"What is count...?"
"I see a small dot on the radar, it is a life form, the one
called human."
"I hear they are unknown to our people."
"You are correct sir."
"I always am, and don't you forget that!"
"Ah, we are hear, the human is right under us."
"Beam him aboard."
"Beaming."
Being beamed is somewhat like being stuck in a huge
blender, then having lemon juice and salt poured all over
you, displeaseant. Jon felt it differently though, it felt
like being stuck in a blender, then thrown into a lake of
lemon juice and salt.
"That was painfull."
"Not as painfull as being dissected."
"Don't tell him now you idiot, he's going to try and
escape now that he knows."
"Dissected, HELP! HELP!"
"Shouting is no use, nobody can hear you."
Well, actually, somebody could hear, but Bob didn't
know it was Jon's scream.
"Wait!"
"What?"
"You can't dissect me."
"Why?"
"I'm endangered."
"You are?"
"Why yes, and you know that if you kill an endangered
species, you'll get fired."
"He's right sir."
"Be quiet."
"Ya, be quiet."
"Sir, if you decide to dissect him, I'll quit."
"Prepare the table for a little surgery."
Chapter 3
"Oh great fargle jag, I come in great inner pain."
"The one who is sorrow is the one who is not sorrow."
"What the star?"
"The star does not become bright because it is born that
way, it is because it wants to be that way."
"So you're saying that I'm only sad because I want to
be."
"The one who has to say yes is the one who is
uncertain."
"It's all so clear, I must leave now."
"The one who forgets to pay the fine is the one who
goes to heck."
"I come to you for help almighty fargle jag."
"The one who asks for help is the one who has already
found it."
"E am not sure why my famely does not want me, thee
say the way E talk es all wrong."
"The people who blame are the people who dunit."
"Now whe dedn't E thenk of that?"
"The one who does not think is the stupid one."
"Oh distrusting fargle jag, I'm an actor that is not
wanted."
"People are the ones to choose wrong."
"Tell me about it."
"Stories are the items of genius'."
"So you're saying I should write my own plays?"
"The one who guesses write might someday be you."
"Thank you great fargle jag."
"People are the ones to give thanks to."
That person ran outside and shouted thanks to god, he
replied back with an acting job for him.
"FARGLE JAG!"
"The one who yells is the one who is heard."
"THAT ISN'T WHAT MY FRIENDS THINK!"
"The friends who disagree are the true friends."
"A HA!"
"The one who yells in the ears of the great fargle jag is
a one time customer."
The great fargle jag closed his doors for the day and
went home only to find on the front cover of the
newspaper to have a picture of a recent friend.
Chapter 4
"Waita minute."
"What?"
"Why must you take me apart?"
"Um, well, I don't know, I think it would just be
really fun."
"FUN!? You have a really sick mind."
"It might be small, but it ain't sick."
At that moment the other dog came in and said, "Cap.,
it's time for your session with psychotherapist."
"Argggghhhhhhh!"
"(Whimper.)"
"Get out now!"
"Oooooooooo, look out the window, is that your
planet?"
"Oh no! I forgot, the president wanted a pet by the
time we got back, I didn't get him one!"
"Knock knock, anybody home? I could be his pet."
"Hey, I'm glad I thought of that, I could give you to
him."
The space ship came closer and closer to the planet. At
about 1 hundred miles, Jon noticed that the shape of the
planet looked like a huge bone.
"Ahhhhhhhhhh. Home."
"Have you ever noticed it looks like a huge bone?"
"Don't be silly."
"I'm not, look, it's in the shape of a bone."
"HOLY WET DOG!"
"Now aren't you glad I pointed that out?"
"I'll be rich, money, pools, poodles!"
"Wait a single minute here, I showed it to you."
"So who would believe you?"
"Thousands of dogs."
"Your right aren't you?"
"I know this game, it's called let's make a deal..."
Well, that was it, page fifty, big deal, do you know
how long it took me to get here?
Chapter 5
"Oh almighty fargle jag, help me chose my path of
life."
"The path of life is the one driven on by only one."
"I know that, what I need to really know is if I should
take this better job on another planet."
"The one who commutes far to work is the one who is
tired all day."
"So your saying I shouldn't take it?"
"The answer is the thing that must be searched for."
"What a help you were."
"The one who offers help is the one who doesn't need
it."
"Mr. jag, can I have a raise, I mean, I'm underpaid,
stay late hours without pay, and don't like the work."
"The one who begs is the one who loses there job."
"You're saying I'm fired?"
"The boss is the one who does not lie."
"Geese, this is just great, now what am I supposed to
do?"
"The one who does not know what to do is the one who
is confused."
"Oh great fargle jag, I am in need of a job, what
should I do."
"The one who needs work is the one who already works
for the great fargle jag."
"You mean I can work for you?"
"The one who says yes is correct."
"Oh thank you great fargle jag."
"The one who thanks is the one who is in need of
thanks."
"Oh great fargle jag, I have no sense of style, how can
I change that?"
"The one who thinks that they dress well is the one who
dresses well."
"I have one more question, how do you think of so
many proverbs?"
"A genius mind is a bank of knowledge."
"You make them up."
"People are not the ones to judge other people."
"But we are dogs, not people."
"Dogs are not the ones to judge other dogs."
"Oh fargle jag, I have a question only you can answer,
it is about the human coming to our planet, will he
destroy us all?"
"You are not destroyed by something different,
something different is destroyed by you."
"I am relieved."
Chapter 6
"Are you sure you want to be loved by all dogs,
considered a hero by millions, have you're own Saturday
cartoon?"
"What? Are you kidding? Any dog would die for that
that."
"You know, there will be assassins after you day and
night, wanting to bump you off because you discovered
something that they thought they would have."
"Oh! You are right! I insist you to become famous for
the discovery that you made."
"Are you sure?"
"Positive!"
"Well, all right."
"Praise the lord."
The craft came to a halt on the bone planet of the dogs.
All the crew came out, hugged their families, and went
home. After wards, the captain and Jon came out and
got a ride to the presidents office.
"Do you think he'll believe me?"
"How am I supposed to know?"
It was a thirty minute drive from the airport to the
president's office. Jon was having fun fooling around
with the panels on the limo.
"window up, window down. Sun roof open, sunroof
close."
Jon pressed all the buttons but one, he was saving that
one for last. It said eject on it, Jon had no idea what it
would eject, but he didn't care, it is normal to have the
need to push buttons. Slowly the finger came down on
the button, at the end of the push a voice said"You have
just pushed the driver eject button, the current driver will
be thrown out the car about three thousand miles into the
air, then a new one will arrive in a few seconds."
Out went the driver,
"Agggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh-hhhhh."
Jon laughed for the rest of the trip, whenever he was
about to stop, he pretended he hand was the old driver
and imitated the scene.
The car stopped abruptly at the presidents office, and
Jon pushed the button again so they wouldn't have to pay
the driver a tip.
"Aggggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
hhhh."
Jon laughed to the door of the red house's (That was
the name of the building.) door, looked up, and noticed
that it was shaped like a fire hydrant.
"Human, behave nicely, the president will get very
wired if you are crazy or rude."
Chapter 7
The great fargle jag closed shop and headed for the red
house, because he had a session with the president.
He hopped into his car and took the hour-long drive to
the house, he found another car there. "Must be one of
his friends," thought the great fargle jag.
He walked up to the front step and told the guard who
he was and why he was there.
"The great fargle jag?"
"The one who knows who one is is truly wise."
"Wow, I have a question for you. Why does the
president act like a kid?"
"The child in the mind is more powerful than the grown
up on the outside."
"Oh, I get it, because he had a great childhood, he
acts like a child."
Fargle didn't reply to this statement and headed on
inside. He walked through many halls, and finally came
to the president's office. The door was locked, there
must have been somebody inside. Fargle jag knocked on
the door, and a child's voice said, "Come in."
The great fargle jag walked in and saw the person he
had seen in the paper.
"Bob?!" Jon yelled.
"No silly poopoo head, this is the great fargle jag,"
explained the president."
"No he isn't, he is my principal, Bob."
"Hey, you can't argue with me, because I am the
king."
"Geeeeeese, how did this guy become king?"
"We've seen your presidents, so we said, oh, we are
supposed to have the most unimaginable person for the
most important job." replied the captain. (Of whom's
name was to odd to write.)
"One person can be more than one person."
"Bob, why are you speaking like that?"
"One can change their lives any time they like, for
there is no rule to life."
"I've said it before, and I guess I'll say it again,
geeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeese."
Chapter 8
Talking with someone who thinks like a three year old
is hard, not because you can't understand them, it's
because you can understand them. (Wha?) When they
tell a story, it takes a few hours, and that is just for the
title. If they make one mistake in saying something,
they have to start all over. If that sounds bad, just the
way they talk is annoying, um, and then um, he um,
um, can I start all over? Just say no.
If you haven't guessed, I'm only going to get a few
things off my chest, it is all right if you decide to skip
this because you don't like they way I talk to you,
nothing will happen to any of the characters.
Another thing, I was thinking, what if people only told
the truth?
"My you have the most discusting baby I have ever
seen!"
"Get out of my house you horribly ugly woman."
"O.K. I didn't like the wall paper or the stench you emit
anyway."
That was a sample of what life would be like. I'll will
now wright what people really say, then what they
would say.
"You are such a good student."
"Why thank you, and you are the greatest teacher I
have ever had."
"You're to kind."
"You are the stupidest, horrible, most arrogant student
I have ever had."
"And you are the worst teacher in the universe."
"You're so evil, off to detention with you."
Now that you know what the world would be like if we
all told the truth, why don't you try it with your friends?
People who move really slow, IT IS SO ANNOYING!
They should be sent to the moon, and be able to walk as
slow as they want for as long as they want. What is the
good of moving slow? It doesn't get you anywhere fast,
and all it does is get the person behind you really mad.
It is almost like they know that you are behind them,
so they call all their slow moving friends to get in front of
you and leave you no choise but to push right through
them.
That just about wraps it up for this chapter, but I have
one last thing to talk about, nature shows, they make me
sick! Who even watches them? Probably the families of
the makers. All they do is take up precious air time,
there could be better things on, like reruns of The
Simpsons. I think it is only O.K. when they are on those
cable channels that nobody watches.
Chapter 9
For those of you who read that last chapter I thank you,
I hope you realized that all that stuff was true, and I hope
you agree with my opinions on those four subjects.
"Mr. king, I have something I must tell you, your
world is shaped like a bone," spoke Jon.
"Oh my gosh!" shouted the king while holding his
cheeks.
The commander said, in response, "Sir, do you
understand what that means?"
"No."
"Where did find this guy?"
"In an ally."
"Geeeese."
"W..What are you two guys whispering about?"
"None of your beeswax."
"You can't talk that way to me, cause I'm the king."
"The king does not have power because he is king."
"Shut up Bob."
"I keep on telling you, his name is the great fargle jag."
The argument went on for a few more minutes, then a
frenzied scientist rushed in the door and said that the
world was shaped like a bone.
"Oh my gosh, that is so cool, I'm going to make you
famus."
One of the secret agents near the king said, "That's
famous."
"Oh yea, I'm going to make you famous."
"Thank you king."
"Oh my gosh, I knew that, I was going to be famous,
I KNEW THAT THE WORLD WAS SHAPED LIKE A
BONE!"
"Don't yell."
"I'm gone."
"You don't look like it."
"This is absolutely crazy, I'm am leaving."
"The one who leaves early is the one who loses early."
"So what!"
"Calm down boy."
"The name is Jon, and no, I WILL NOT CALM
DOWN, CAN"T YOU SEE? I MISSED Out on
Millions of dollars!"
"Bones."
"Bones?"
"Bones are the currency on this planet."
"Oh, so I really haven't lost anything."
Chapter 10
Later that day the king had some dog take Jon to a
hotel. Jon didn't mind this, he was happy to have gotten
all that anger out.
"Sir, we are here," said the driver.
"Thank you good chap."
Jon stepped out of the car, and walked over to the
door, which had a rather large guard in front of it. As
Jon passed by the dog, it gave him that look that says,
"You are the ugliest thing I ever saw."
"Jon gave him that look back that says, "You are big,
really big, HELP!"
In the main room was a desk with a short, skinny mutt
behind it.
"I, um, I have a reservation."
"Wat's ya nam?"
"Jon, er, Jon Dough, spelled D O U G H, not D O E."
"Na need ta be rud Jon. You room is number 50/50,
here is your key."
"Thank you."
Jon walked the fifty flights of stairs to get to room
fifty/fifty. He didn't have a good feeling about this place.
The lock on the room was one of those were you have
to put the card through, wait for the green light to flash,
and quickly open the door. Jon spent a few minutes
trying to just get in his room.
He walked in and saw that the room wasn't all that
worth while to be in, it had a large pillow for a bed, and
water bowl, and a fire hydrant.
Myth or fact: The fire hydrant is truly something dogs
use as a toilet: Fact!
Jon slumped down on the bed, er couch, and thought
about his adventures in space. Only one question
remained: How exactly did he ever manage to end up on
a planet of the dogs?
One other question also remained, what ever happened
to his mother?
Well many other questions were floating around in
Jon's mind, but only one was important:Why?
The End, but to be continued.
If many questions are in your skull, be sure to read an
upcoming story be me, it should be titled: WHY (Part
two of WHAT)
To make sure that the people who got this story to you
let me put my next one in, be sure to tell them how much
you loved this one.
If you liked this book at all, be happy to send plenty of
cash to:
Super Pig
35 space way
Bragle fram, Solar State 1313
P.S. I have also written a 150 page story called Galaxy
One, this also takes place in space, but is not comical.
I f you would like to read this one, contact me, I might
be able to make things happen. At this moment, I am
working on a new story, it is about virtual reality in the
near future, if you are interested in this too, contact me.
In a few months I will be returning to the What series, I
would appreciate it if you cheer me on.
