Author: Krishna Padmasola
e-mail:
[email protected]
Credit: The idea for writing this story came after reading the 1992 Scientific
American special issue on Mind and Brain.
Mrs.T's story
I felt bad today.That headache was back. Dr. Wilkins came and
spent some time with me. He is very nice with all the inmates,but
sometimes I think I can detect some trace of annoyance in him when
Martha goes on and on with her list of complaints and does not want to
let him go. He wanted to talk about my life and my experiences. But I
remember so little. Sometimes I am able to recall certain incidents
but that is as if a faint breath of mental association has turned the
leaves of the book of my past to a forgotten page , offering me a
momentary glimpse . Dr.Wilkins said that I should write down whatever
I remember, whenever I recall some incident.I said that I would try.
Last night I had trouble falling asleep. It did not help that
Martha was singing lullabies to her teddy bear.When I woke up, it was
3 a.m.,and I was trembling from the nightmare. I wanted to get
something to drink from the refrigerator, but then I remembered the
small animals I saw in there the last time. The nurse did not believe
me. But I don't care.I think she is arrogant and is not responsive to
the needs of the inmates.
I remember when Roger ,me and our three children were living
together, and things were not going very well for Roger at work. He
used to come home late and was usually frustrated. It was then that
the headaches began. In the begining they lasted for short periods of
time, but later on they lasted longer . I also heard the voices
accusing me that I was not a good wife to Roger. I felt crushed and
useless . I could not think of what I could do to help Roger. Poor
Roger,with my head going thump,thump like the beats of a drum,the
drummer playing on the drumhead alive to pain, like the thunder
rolling,rolling and crushing all thoughts and leaving a body like a
sapling drained of its life, drooping in the aftermath of a
thunderstorm,oh Roger you do not know the anguish I felt when you told
me that you wanted a divorce. I did not know why I was doing anything
anymore. I was going on a journey with confidence but then when I
consulted the map in a moment of doubt, I saw that I was travelling in
a maze.
Roger left me. I had to sell the house and move to a small
apartment . The kids were afraid to talk to me. They stayed with
Roger.The headaches, and the voices returned with a vengeance. I heard
them say that I was a bad wife and a bad mother. They said that they
were punishing me for being bad. Sometimes I would stay in bed the
whole day looking at our family photograph. That was the only way I
could stand the pain. Sometimes I would look out of the window and see
huge dinosaurs walk by.
One day I went to groceries and saw some snakes near the
checkout counter. I did not want to go out through the checkout
counter and as I was leaving by another exit, some policemen came and
took back all my groceries. Then they took down my name and address.
I did not know what I had done wrong.Finally they let me go.
It was after that incident that Dr.Wilkins visited me for the
first time. He said that the sergeant had told him about me. He was
very kind and understanding. I felt that he was a friend.He gave me
some medicine so that there was less pain and I was even able to
sleep.
What were those lights? Flashing,red and blue, changing the
world with each flash, dissolving it into darkness and bringing it
forth once more;and what was that sound? incessantly wailing, rising
and falling like the waves on a deserted and treacherous shore on a
new-moon night;and who was that?was it a policeman who said,``ma'am,
would you step out please''? I fainted.
The next day, I found myself here. Dr. Wilkins came to see
me; I was happy to know that he works here. He said that I was driving
on the highway at midnight in my nightgown and when the police found
me, I had fainted.
Martha is talking in her sleep. I would really like something
to drink right now. Next time I should ask the nurse to leave me some
drinks on my bedside table. I have written this down and I hope this
may be of use to Dr.Wilkins . The clock is striking 4 a.m. and there
is the stillness of repose in the dormitory. The world has become
silent, and my tumultous thoughts are being attennuated gradually as I
approach the half awake half dreamy stage which is the precursor to
sleep....
