Things That Go 'BOOM' and Other Stuff That Rulez
Issue Seven
Written by
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Cerberus
Count Zero
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Shroud of Deception
Gut Shoveler (Gutz)
616.775.2945
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5-05-94
WARNING: Don't try this at home. If you're stupid enough to try any of this
shit, we're not responsible. We aren't gonna pay your hospital bills because
you blew off your thumb. We'll just laugh at you. WE AREN'T RESPONSIBLE FOR
ANY DAMAGES CAUSED BY USE OF ANY OF THE MATERIAL PRESENTED IN THIS FILE.
You may have noticed that it took us longer than normal to put this issue
together. This is because we have discovered many really cool (or hot as
the case may be) fire things. You will also notice that this issue has a
quote at the end. The quote for this issue is provided by a can of sterno.
If you have any good quotes for us, please tell us. Thanks to the
overwhelming response to Watson's column in issue 5, we've decided to make
him a regular feature now. We haven't decided if he will be in every issue
or just every other one. Again, if you have an opinion on this, please tell
us. Well, let the fire-making begin.
BB Shotgun:
These instructions originally appeared in a file (or phile as he spells it)
written by The Sentinal, a member of Hamr. However, the original file was
in all caps, in Macintosh format, and so incredible old (he advertised a
300 bps BBS) that we decided it was time for a reprint. Warning, this is
a very kick ass firearm. It should not be attempted by anyone who is not
exceedingly ruley.
Ingredients:
a pipe roughly 3 feet long, and VERY heavy. You don't want this to blow
up in your hand do you?
a cap for the pipe, or something to weld on one end of the pipe
a big firecracker (The Sentinal recommends an M-100)
alot of toilet paper
a whole shitload of BB's
Directions:
Start by drilling a hole in the cap (or whatever you are gonna weld onto
the end of the pipe). The hole should be big enough to allow the fuse
from your explosive to get through. Then, weld the cap (or whatever) onto
one end of the pipe. You might be able to get away with just tightening
it real good, but then again, you might not. Put the firecracker in the
pipe, with the fuse sticking out the hole. Now you just need to load the
gun. Shove some toilet paper down the pipe. A wooden dowel or an unfolded
metal clotheshanger is recommended for this job. Then pour some BB's down
the pipe. Do not pack the BB's or you will get your hand blown off. Put
some more toilet paper down the pipe, and then more BB's. Finally add
one more layer of toilet paper. You are now ready to shoot it.
It would help if you now find something to put on the pipe to hold onto it
with. Or, you could mount it on something. Aim it at whatever you want
to destroy, light the fuse, and if you are a pussy, cover your ears. When
we (The Sentinal and his friends) made it, we used a lead pipe and an
M-100. This blew the shit out of a car door. Imagine what it would do to
flesh!
Notes:
If you are not sure about how strong your pipe is, and how well it will
hold up under the explosion, lay it down on the ground and fire it. If
it holds up, then it's safe to hold in your hand. If not, then give it
to your best friend... someone like the not-so-well-known blonde headed
geek named Daredevil (that was The Sentinal's suggestion, we would
recommend Watson). If the possibility of this thing going off in your
hand and destroying you physically for life scares you, then don't attempt
it. It's not like you're holding a quarter stick of dynamite or anything.
Also, you might consider using gun powder to fire the bb's. It's a little
bit easier to get than an M-100.
Gun Powder:
Have you ever wanted to make gun powder in the convienence of your own
home? Well now, thanks to BOOM, you can do just that. And even better,
you don't have to rob your school chemistry lab to do it (although, it
couldn't hurt).
Ingredients:
potassium nitrate (common saltpeter!)
sulphur
ground charcoal
Directions:
Just mix the ingedients together in the prescibed ratios (see below for
possible ratios). Then, treat it just like gun powder.
Notes:
Yes, potassium nitrate is just common saltpeter. You ask "so, what's
saltpeter and where do I get it?" First of all, for you chemists out
there, saltpeter is KNO3. Saltpeter is prepared artifically by decomposing
native sodium nitrate with potassium chloride. It's chief use is, you
guessed it, the manufacture of gun powder, matches, and fireworks. But,
it is also a preservation of food. No, I'm not kidding.
Sulphur can also be found at a drug store. It's commonly used as a
laxative.
Ratios:
For some reason, different various of gun powder are named for countries.
There are a whole hell of alot of different ratios possible (well, duh)
but here are the ratios we figured you'd want (numbers are percentages):
Name Saltpeter Charcoal Sulfur
England........................ 79 18 3
Forte.......................... 72 15 13
Lente.......................... 40 30 30
Ordinaire...................... 62 18 20
Ground Planted Charge:
Did you ever wonder how people can make the ground shoot up with the
greatest of ease (e.g. those movie guys that know more than you or I will
ever know)? Well, after many days of experimenting with different things
we think we have the closest anyone will ever get without having to break
into the Universal Studios special effects warehouse.
Ingedients:
Shovel
How ever many rocket engines you think your gonna need
Fuse
A good pair of running shoes
Directions:
Once you have everything take the shovel and dig out a piece of the ground
as big or as small as you want it. Then take a stick or something and poke
a hole all the way through the sod. Afterwards, feed the fuse through that
hole (make sure the hole is big enough to let the fuse have some room to
move) and into the hole the rocket engine. If you want more ground to
explode tip the engine up-side down so the larger thrust is going up.
Then all you have to do is put the ground back, pack it down tight, light
the fuse, run the hell away, and watch from a safe distance.
Cutting Torch/Blow Torch (low heat):
Ingedients:
3' long pipe
block of magnesium (can be found at any camping store/catalog).
rusty piece of metal
circular piece of metal
Directions:
Take the pipe and cut off about three to six inches from the top. Weld
the circular piece of metal to the long piece of pipe (if you don't have
access to a welder, check out the instructions for the Home Maid Welder
in this issue). After you have done this weld the pipe back together.
Shave off some particals from the magnesium block and dump them in. Now
do the same with the rusty piece of metal and dump those shavings in. To
light just drop a match down into the pipe.
Pretty Diagram:
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX - pipe
X magnesium X X
X & X X
X rust X X
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
|
circular piece of metal
Home Made Welder:
This one is dedicated to the folks who used to make the MacGyver
television series. We saw MacGyver doing this on the show, tried it,
and to our suprise it actually worked.
Ingedients:
car battery charger
quarter
Directions:
Take the car baterry charger and put a quarter into the aligator clip.
Slowly turn the voltage and ampage up as high as it will go. But be
careful, this is very dangerous. You could have many unspeakably painful
and possibly fatal things to your body if you did something wrong.
Pipe Bomb:
How could we have been such complete morons! We forgot to publish
instructions for the simple pipe bomb. Well, we are now correcting that
oversight. Without further ado, the common pipe bomb.
Ingedients:
1 small to medium size thin wall copper pipe (get at any plumbing store).
gun powder (you can use the stuff we told you how to make in this issue,
but the real shit will have a better success rate).
1 real fuse
Directions:
Seal off one end of the pipe and fill the pipe with gun powder. Now, seal
off the other end. Take somthing like an ice pick and jam it in the pipe
and thread the fuse through the hole. Light and throw.
Pretty Diagram:
/--------------------------\
| ---------- fuse
| gun powder |
\--------------------------/ pipe
Watson's Thoughts (if any):
I've had alot of people say, "Watson how can I be like you," okay maybe not
alot of people, fine so nobody actually said they want to be like me, but
I know there's some of you out there that would want to, and just haven't
said something about it because they were afraid there friends would tie
them up to a big maple tree and set loose there neighbors dog, to pee on
you while you're screaming "NO NOOO stop it stop it STOP IT!" Not that
that's ever happend to me before, or anything, um what was I sayin' oh
yeah, well this is how to be like Watson first things first, most people
don't have my intelect, so here's some things you can do to bring your
intelligence to my level <Editor's Note: you mean DOWN to your level right?>
Step One - Getting High:
There are several ways to go about this, many of them illgal. But there
are some very simple ways: rubber glue, markers, apple leaves, and
propane. <Editor's Note: Watson, I've got a nice long list of substances
for you to try in issue #6. They're under the heading of "Common
Poisonous Plants.">
A simple one that usually doesn't kill people is apple leaves. Yes, the
traditional dried out apple leaf joint is a good way to have a Watson
IQ. <Editor's Note: so is being born in Chernobyl.> Simply dry some
apple leaves (nice an' brown) roll 'em up smoke 'em. This produces a
mildly lame buzz.
Once you're high you're free to light big fires, and if you're caught
you're usually not in as much trouble becuase you where under the
influence of whatever it was you were high on. Of course you know WATSON
TAKES NO RESPONSIBILTY FOR ANY ACTIONS RESULTING FROM THIS ARTICLE.
Watson may be stupid but even Watson hates lawsuits. <Editor's Note:
step two of being as cool as Watson: write paragraph long run-ons with
an average of two spelling errors every three words so that editing your
work is a living hell.>
Watson just passed out from thinking but he'll be back
Watch for Watson only in Boom
Quote of the issue:
"Do not use near an open flame" - a warning from a can of Sterno.
