"WELL, this i{is} grand!" said Alice. "I never
expected I should be a Queen so soon--and I'll
tell you what it is, your Majesty," she went on in a
severe tone (she was always rather fond of scolding
hersef), "it'll never do to loll about on the grass
like that! Queens have to be dignified, you know"
So she got up and walked about--rather stiffly
just at first, as she was afraid that the crown might
come off: but she comforted herself with the
thought that there was nobody to see her, "and
if I really am a Queen," she said as she sat down
again, "I shall be able to manage it quite well in
time."
Everything was happening so oddly that she
didn't feel a bit surprised at finding the Red Queen
and the White Queen sitting close to her, one on
each side: she would have liked very much to ask
them how they came there, but she feared it would
not be quite civil. However, there would be no
harm, she thought, in asking if the game was over.
"Please, would you tell me---" she began, looking
timidly at the Red Queen.
"Speak when you're spoken to!" the Red Queen
sharply interrupted her.
"But if everybody obeyed that rule," said Alice,
who was always ready for a little argument, "and if
you only spoke when you were spoken to, and the
other person always waited for i{you} to begin, you
see nobody would ever say anything, so that---"
"Ridiculous!" cried the Queen. "Why, don't you
see, child---" here she broke off with a frown, and
after thinking for a minute, suddenly changed the
subject of the conversation. "What do you mean
by 'If you really are a Queen'? What right have
you to call yourself so? You can't be a Queen, you
know, till you've passed the proper examination.
And the sooner we begin it, the better."
"I only said 'if'!" poor Alice pleaded in a piteous
tone.
The two Queens looked at each other, and the
Red Queen remarked, with a little shudder, "She
i{says} she only said 'if'---"
"But she said a great deal more than that!" the
White Queen moaned, wringing her hands. "Oh,
ever so much more than that!"
"So you did, you know," the Red Queen said to
Alice. "Always speak the truth--think before you
speak--and write it down afterwards."
"I'm sure I didn't mean---" Alice was
beginning, but the Red Queen interrupted.
"That's just what I complain of! You i{should}
have meant! What do you suppose is the use of a
child without any meaning? Even a joke should
have some meaning--and a chiId's more important
than a joke, I hope. You couldn't deny that, even
if you tried with both hands."
"I don't deny things with my i{hands,"} Alice ob
jected.
"Nobody said you did," said the Red Queen, "I
said you couldn't if you tried."
"She's in that state of mind," said the White
Queen, "that she wants to deny i{something--}only
she doesn't know what to deny!"
"A nasty, vicious temper," the Red Queen
remarked; and then there was an uncomfortable
silence for a minute or two.
The Red Queen broke the silence by saying to the
White Queen, "I invite you to Alice's dinner-party
this afternoon."
The White Queen smiled feebly, and said, "And I
invite i{you."}
"I didn't know I was to have a party at all," said
Alice; "but if there is to be one, I think I ought to
invite the guests."
"We gave you the opportunity of doing it," the
Red Queen remarked: "but I daresay you've not
had many lessons in manners yet?"
"Manners are not taught in lessons," said Alice.
"Lessons teach you to do sums, and things of that
sort."
"Can you do Addition?" the White Queen asked.
"What's one and one and one and one and one and
one and one and one and one and one?"
"I don't know," said Alice. "I lost count."
"She can't do Addition," the Red Queen
interrupted. "Can you do Subtraction? Take nine from
eight."
"Nine from eight I can't, you know," Alice replied
very readily: "but---"
"She can't do Subtraction," said the White
Queen. "Can you do Division? Divide a loaf by
a knife--what's the answer to that?"
"I suppose---" Alice was beginning, but the
Red Queen answered for her. "Bread-and-butter,
of course. Try another Subtraction sum. Take a
bone from a dog. What remains?"
Alice considered. "The bone wouldn't remain,
of course, if I took it--and the dog wouldn't
remain; it would come to bite me--and I'm sure i{I}
shouldn't remain!"
"Then you think nothing would remain?" said
the Red Queen.
"I think that's the answer."
"Wrong, as usual," said the Red Queen; "the
dog's temper would remain."
"But I don't see how---"
"Why, look here!" the Red Queen cried. "The
dog would lose its temper, wouldn't it?"
"Perhaps it would," Alice replied cautiously.
"Then if the dog went away, its temper would
remain!" the Queen exclaimed.
Alice said, as gravely as she could, "They might
go different ways." But she couldn't help thinking
to herself, "What dreadful nonsense we i{are}
talking!"
"She can't do sums a i{bit!"} the Queens said
together, with great emphasis.
"Can i{you} do sums?" Alice said, turning
suddenly on the White Queen, for she didn't like being
found fault with so much.
The Queen gasped and shut her eyes. "I can
do Addition," she said, "if you give me timebut I can't do Subtraction under i{any}
circumstances! "
"Of course you know your A B C?" said the Red
Queen.
"To be sure I do," said Alice.
"So do I," the White Queen whispered. "We'll
often say it over together, dear. And I'll tell you a
secret--I can read words of one letter! Isn't i{that}
grand? However, don't be discouraged. You'll
come to it in time."
Here the Red Queen began again. "Can you
answer useful questions?" she said. "How is bread
made?"
"I know i{that!"} Alice cried eagerly. "You take
some flour---"
"Where do you pick the flower?" the White
Queen asked. "In a garden, or in the hedges?"
"Well, it isn't i{picked} at all," Alice explained:
"it's i{ground-}--"
"How many acres of ground?" said the White
Queen. "You mustn't leave out so many things."
"Fan her head!" the Red Queen anxiously
interupted. "She'll be feverish after so much thinking."
So they set to work and fanned her with bunches of
leaves, till she had to beg them to leave off, it blew
her hair about so.
"She's all right again now," said the Red Queen.
"Do you know Languages? What's the French for
fiddle-de-dee ?"
"Fiddle-de-dee's not English," Alice replied
gravely.
"Who said it was?" said the Red Queen.
Alice thought she saw a way out of the difficulty
this time. "If you'll tell me what language "
fiddle-de-dee' is, I'll tell you the French for it!" she
exclaimed triumphantly.
But the Red Queen drew herself up rather stiffly,
and said, "Queens never make bargains."
"I wish Queens never asked questions," Alice
thought to herself.
"Don't let us quarrel," the White Queen said
in an anxious tone. "What is the cause of
lightning ?"
"The cause of lightning," Alice said very
decidedly, for she felt quite sure about this, "is the
thunder--no, no!" she hastily corrected herself.
"I meant the other way."
"It's too late to correct it," said the Red Queen:
"when you've once said a thing, that fixes it, and you
must take the consequences."
"Which reminds me--" the White Queen said,
looking down and nervously clasping and
unclasping'her hands, "we had i{such a} thunderstorm last
Tuesday--I mean one of the last set of Tuesdays,
you know."
"In i{our} country," Alice remarked, "there's only
" one day at a time."
The Red Queen said. "That's a poor thin way of
doing things. Now i{here,} we mostly have days and
nights two or three at a time, and sometimes in the
winter we take as many as five'nights together--for
warmth, you know."
"Are five nights warmer than one night, then?"
Alice ventured to ask.
"Five times as warm, of course."
"But they should be five times as i{cold,} by the
same rule---"
"just so!" cried the Red Queen. "Five times as
warm, i{and} five times as cold--just as I'm five times
as rich as you are, i{and} five times as clever!"
Alice sighed and gave it up. "It's exactly like a
riddle with no answer!" she thought.
"Humpty Dumpty saw it too," the White Queen
went on in a low voice, more as if she were talking to
herself. "He came to the door with a corkscrew in
his hand---"
"What for?" said the Red Queen.
"He said he i{would} come in," the White Queen
went on, "because he was looking for a
hippopotamus. Now, as it happened, there wasn't such a
thing in the house, that morning."
"Is there generally ?" Alice asked in an astonished
tone.
"Well, only on Thursdays," said the Queen.
"I know what he came for," said Alice: "he
wanted to punish the fish, because---"
Here the White Queen began again. "It was i{such}
a thunderstorm, you can't think!" ("She i{never}
could, you know," said the Red Queen.) "And part
of the roof came off, and ever so much thunder got
in--and it went rolling round the room in great
lumps--and knocking over the tables and thingstill I was so frightened, I couldn't remember my own
name! ' '
Alice thought to herself, "I never should i{try} to
remember my name in the middle of an accident!
Where would be the use of it?" But she did not say
this aloud, for fear of hurting the poor Queen's
feelings.
"Your Majesty must excuse her," the Red Queen
said to Alice, taking one of the White Queen's
hands in her own, and gently stroking it: "she
means well, but she can't help saying foolish things,
as a general rule."
The White Queen looked timidly at Alice, who
felt she i{ought} to say something kind, but really
couldn't think of anything.
"She never was really well brought up," the Red
Queen went on: "but it's amazing how goodtempered she is! Pat her on the head, and see how
pleased she'll be!" But this was more than Alice
had courage to do.
"A little kindness--and putting her hair in papers
--would do wonders with her---"
The White Queen gave a deep sigh, and laid her
head on Alice's shoulder. "I i{am} so sleepy!" she
moaned.
"She"s tired, poor thing!" said the Red Queen
"Smooth her hair--lend her your nightcap--and
sing her a soothing lullaby."
"I haven't got a nightcap with me," said Alice,
as she tried to obey the first direction: "and I don't
know any soothing lullabies."
"I must do it myself, then," said the Red Queen,
and she began:
i{"Hush-a-by lady, in Alice's lap!}
i{Till the feast's ready, we've time for a nap:}
i{Till the feast's over, we'll go to the ball--}
i{Red Queen, and White Queen, and Alice, and all!.}
"And now you know the words," she added, as
she put her head down on Alice's other shoulder,
"just sing it through to i{me.} I'm getting sleepy too."
In another moment both Queens were fast asleep,
and snoring loud.
"What i{am I} to do?" exclaimed Alice, looking
about in great perplexity, as first one round head,
and then the other, rolled down from her shoulder,
and lay like a heavy lump in her lap. "I don't think
it i{ever} happened before, that anyone had to take
"care of two Queens asleep at once! No, not in all
the History of England--it couldn't, you know,
because there never was more than one Queen at a
time. Do wake up, you heavy things!" she went on
in an impatient tone; but there was no answer but a
gentle snoring.
The snoring got more distinct every minute, and
sounded more like a tune: at last she could even
make out words, and she listened so eagerly that
when the two great heads suddenly vanished from
her lap, she hardly missed them.
She was standing before an arched doorway, over
which were the words QUEEN ALICE in large
letters, and on each side of it there was a
bellhandle; one marked "Visitors' Bell," and the other
"Servants' Bell."
"I'll wait till the song's over," thought Alice,
"and then I'll ring the--the--i{which} bell must
ring?" she went on, very much puzzled by the
names. "I'm not a visitor, and I'm not a servant.
There i{ought} to be one marked "Queen,' you
know---"
just then the door opened a little way, and a
creature with a long beak put its head out for a
moment and said, "No admittance till the week
after next!" and shut the door again with a bang.
Alice knocked and rang in vain for a long time,
but at last a very old Frog, who was sitting under a
tree, got up, and hobbled slowly towards her: he was
dressed in bright yellow, and had enormous boots on.
"What is it now?" the Frog said in a deep hoarse
whisper.
Alice turned round, ready to find fault with
anybody. "Where's the servant whose business it is to
answer the door?" she began.
"Which door?" said the Frog.
Alice almost stamped with irritation at the slow
drawl in which he spoke. i{"This} door, of course!
The Frog looked at the door with his large dull
eyes for a minute: then he went nearer and rubbed it
with his thumb, as if he were trying whether the
paint would come off; then he looked at Alice.
"To answer the door?" he said. "What's it been
asking of?" He was so hoarse that Alice could
scarcely hear him.
"I don't know what you mean," she said.
"I speaks English, doesn't I?" the Frog went on.
"Or are you deaf? What did it ask you?"
"Nothing!" Alice said impatiently. "I've been
knocking at it!"
"Shouldn't do that--shouldn't do that--" the
Frog muttered. "Wexes it, you know." Then he
went up and gave the door a kick with one off his
great feet. "You let i{it} alone," he panted out, as he
hobbled back to his tree, "and it'll let i{you} alone,
you know."
At this moment the door was flung open, and a
shrill voice was heard singing:
i{To the Looking-glass world it was Alice that said,}
i{"I've a sceptre in hand, I've a crown on my head;}
i{Let the Looking-glass creatures, whatever they be,}
i{Come and dine with the Red Queen, the White}
i{Queen, and me}.
And hundreds of voices joined in the chorus:
i{"Then fill up the glasses as quick as you can,}
i{And sprinkle the table with buttons and bran:}
i{Put cats in the coffee, and mice in the tea--}
i{And welcome Queen Alice with thirty-times-}
i{three}!
Then followed a confused noise of cheering, and
Alice thought to herself, "Thirty times three makes
ninety. I wonder if anyone's counting?" In a
minute there was silence again, and the same shrill
voice, sang another verse:
"i{`O Looking-glass creatures,' quoth Alice, `draw}
i{near}!
i{'Tis an honour to see me, a favour to hear:}
i{'Tis a privilege high to have dinner and tea}
i{Along with the Red Queen, the White Queen, and}
i{me!'} "
Then came the chorus again:
i{"Then fill up the glasses with treacle and ink,}
i{Or anything else that is pleasant to drink;}
i{Mix sand with the cider, and wool with the wine--}
i{And welcome Queen Alice with ninety-times-nine} "
"Ninety-times-nine!" Alice repeated in despair.
"Oh, that'll never be done! I'd better go in at
once--" and in she went, and there was a dead
silence the moment she appeared.
Alice glanced nervously along the table, as she
walked up the large hall, and noticed that there
were about fifty guests, of all kinds: some were
animals, some birds, and there were even a few
flowers among them. "I'm glad they've come
without waiting to be asked," she thought: "I should
never have known who were the right people to
invite! "
There were three chairs at the head of the table;
the Red and White Queens had taken two of
them, but the middle one was empty. Alice sat
down, rather uncomfortable at the silence, and
longing for someone to speak.
At last the Red Queen began. "You've missed
the soup and fish," she said. "Put on the joint!"
And the waiters set a leg of mutton before Alice,
who looked at it rather anxiously, as she had never
had to carve one before.
"You look a little shy; let me introduce you to
that leg of mutton," said the Red Queen. "AliceMutton; Mutton--Alice." The leg of mutton got
up in the dish and made a little bow to Alice; and
she returned the bow, not knowing whether to be
frightened or amused.
"May I give you a slice?" she said, taking up the
knife and fork, and looking from one Queen to the
other.
"Certainly not," the Red Queen said, very
decidedly; "it isn't etiquette to cut anyone you've been
introduced to. Remove the joint!" And the waiters
carried it off, and brought a large plum-pudding in
its place.
"I won't be introduced to the pudding, please,"
Alice said rather hastily, "or we shall get no dinner
at all. May I give you some?"
But the Red Queen looked sulky, and growled,
"Pudding--Alice; Alice--Pudding. Remove the
pudding!" and the waiters took it away before Alice
could return its bow.
However, she didn't see why the Red Queen
should be the only one to give orders, so, as an
experiment, she called out, "Waiter! Bring back the
pudding!" and there it was again in a moment, like
a conjuring trick. It was so large that she couldn't
help feeling a i{little} shy with it, as she had been with
the mutton; however, she conquered her shyness
by a great effort, and handed a slice to the Red
Queen.
"What impertinence!" said the Pudding. " I
wonder how you'd like it, if I were to cut a slice out
of i{you,} you creature!"
Alice could only look at it and gasp.
"Make a remark," said the Red Queen: "it's
ridiculous to leave all the conversation to the
pudding!"
"Do you know, I've had such a quantity of poetry
repeated to me to-day," Alice began, a little
frightened at finding that, the moment she opened her
lips, there was dead silence, and all eyes were fixed
upon her; "and it's a very curious thing, I thinkevery poem was about fishes in some way. Do you
know why they're so fond of fishes, all about
here?"
She spoke to the Red Queen, whose answer was a
little wide of the mark. "As to fishes," she said,
very slowly and solemnly, putting her mouth close
to Alice's ear, "her White Majesty knows a lovely
riddle--all in poetry--all about fishes. Shall she
repeat it?"
"Her Red Majesty's very kind to mention it," the
White Queen murmured into Alice's other ear, in a
voice like the cooing of a pigeon. "It would be
such a treat! May I?"
"Please do," Alice said very politely.
The White Queen laughed with delight, and
stroked Alice's cheek. Then she began:
" i{`First the fish must be caught.'}
i{That i{is easy: a baby, I think, could have caught it.}
i{`Next, the fsh must be bought.'}
i{That is easy: a penny, I think, would have bought it.}
i{`Now cook me the fish!'}
i{That is easy, and will not take more than a minute.}
i{`Let it lie in a dish!'}
i{That is easy, because it already is in it.}
i{`Bring it here! Let me sup!'}
i{It is easy to set such a dish on the table.}
i{`Take the dish-cover up}!'
i{Ah} that i{is so hard that I fear I'm unable}!
i{For it holds it like glue--}
i{Holds the lid to the dish, while it lies in the middle:}
i{Which is easiest to do,}
i{un-dish-cover the fish, or dish-cover the riddle?"}
"Take a minute to think about it, then and
guess," said the Red Queen. "Meanwhile, we'll
drink your health--Queen Alice's health!" she
screamed at the top of her voice, and all the guests
began drinking it directly, and very queerly they
managed it: some of them put their glasses upon
their heads like extinguishers, and drank all that
trickled down their faces--others upset the
decanters, and drank the wine as it ran off the edges
of the table--and three of them (who looked like
kangaroos) scrambled into the dish of roast mutton,
and began to lap up the gravy, "just like pigs in a
trough!" thought Alice.
"You ought to return thanks in a neat speech,"
the Red Queen said, frowning at Alice as she spoke.
"We must support you, you know," the White
Queen whispered, as Alice got up to do it, very
obediently, but a little frightened.
"Thank you very much," she whispered in reply,
"but I can do quite well without."
"That wouldn't be at all the thing," the Red
Queen said very decidedly: so Alice tried to submit
to it with a good grace.
("And they i{did} push so!" she said afterwards,
when she was telling her sister the history of the
feast. "You would have thought they wanted to
squeeze me flat!")
In fact it was rather difficult for her to keep in her
place while she made her speech: the two Queens
pushed her so, one on each side, that they nearly
lifted her up into the air: "I rise to return thanks--"
Alice began: and she really i{did} rise as she spoke,
several inches; but she got hold of the edge of the
table, and managed to pull herself down again.
"Take care of yourself!" screamed the White
Queen, seizing Alice's hair with both her hands.
"Something's going to happen!"
And then (as Alice afterwards described it) all
sorts of things happened in a moment. The candles
grew up to the ceiling, looking something like a
bed of bushes with fireworks at the top. As to the
bottles, they each took a pair of plates, which they
hastily fitted on as wings, and so, with forks for
legs, went fluttering about: "and very like birds
they look," Alice thought to herself, as well as she
could in the dreadful confusion that was beginning.
At this moment she heard a hoarse laugh at her
side, and turned to see what was the matter with
the White Queen; but, instead of the Queen, there
was the leg of mutton sitting in the chair. "Here I
am!" cried a voice from the soup-tureen, and Alice
turned again, just in time to see the Queen's broad
good-natured face grinning at her for a moment
over the edge of the tureen, before she disappeared
into the soup.
There was not a moment to be lost. Already
several of the guests were lying down in the dishes,
and the soup-ladle was walking up the table to
Alice, and signing to her to get out of its way.
"I can't stand this any longer!" she cried, as she
seized the table-cloth with both hands: one good
pull, and plates, dishes, guests, and candles came
crashing down together in a heap on the floor.
"And as for i{you,"} she went on, turning fiercely
upon the Red Queen, whom she considered as the
cause of all the mischief--but the Queen was no
longer at her side--she had suddenly dwindled
down to the size of a little doll, and was now on the
table, merrily running round and round after her
own shawl, which was trailing behind her.
At any other time, Alice would have felt
surprised at this, but she was far too much excited to
be surprised at anything i{now.} "As for i{you,}" she
repeated, catching hold of the little creature in the
very act of jumping over a bottle which had just
lighted upon the table, "I'll shake you into a kitten,
that I will!"
