Flags: 000000000201
Path: utastro!cs.utexas.edu!ssbn!looking!funny-request
From:
[email protected] (Jon Singer)
To: funny
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: Backwoods fun
Keywords: topical, original, chuckle
Message-ID: <
[email protected]>
Date: 18 Apr 89 07:20:05 GMT
Organization: Apple Computer Inc., Cupertino, CA
(from Jon Singer and Michael Butler)
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
(taken from Pyro Joe's Hot Flashes, pp 137-151)
Now, kids, it's tahm ta talk about dee-layed gratification.
...
Here's one that'll tickle ya pink! (Also black & blue if ya
stand around it too long. Take a hint from ol' Joe.)
How menny Whut is it Where d'ya git it
___________________________________________________________________________
1 1 inch cube of 90% Palladium any good hardware store
with 10% Titanium should have it
1 4 inch length of gold wahr steal from yore sister's
earrin's
5 gallons heavy water, with 10% steal frum Navy base
DTO (th' "Jolt" version, or borry frum naybors.
heh heh.)
1 cup Lithium Lye, with Deuterium, war surplus store
USGummint #3039924057394XD
1 1 to 3 volt, 30 amp pahr splah hell, bild it, use
pappy's arc welder,
or whutever.
1 special currint reggalater bild it.
(figger 3, end of chapter)
1 Kickass(tm) 8 week high-reliability ain'tchoo gotta hardware
timer or equiv'lint bin? Call up Bud's
Scientific Splah.
Don't let on whut it's for.
1 big moonshahn crock, with lid. c'mon, ya gotta know
where ta git basics!
th' usual wahr an' stuff, as requahred.
How d'ya do it, Joe?
_____________________
Wal, ya find a ol' shack on a hill somewheres that still got pahr
goin' to it. (Elsewise, ya gots ta use a whole lotta ol' truck
batt'ries, which is tuff ta hump around.) Put th' crock in th' shack,
and pour th' Jolt water inta it. Stir in th' Lithium Lye, slow an'
careful. Don't splash none, an' don't add th' stuff too quick, now.
Cover it real taht, so's ya don't lose too much. Y'all don't wanna
hafta sneak inta th' navybase again, do ya? Them guys got guns & stuff
and they ain't afraid ta use it.
So, ennyway, see, ya bild the pahr splah, an' ya bild th' currint
reggalater in figger 3 at th' end of th' chapter, the one with the
special shunt cirkit fer changin' the currint. Thet's whar th'
Kickass tahmer goes. Test it ta be sure that th' current starts at
about 30 amps and goes down ta 10 or 15 when th' tahmer goes off.
Bild th' other stuff lahk in figger 2. Cart th' whole mess down ta th'
shack, and put th' bizniz end inta the Jolt water. Don't leave th' lid
off too long, now. Cover it up good, an' duck tape it, specially th'
place wher the wahrs come out. Ah got me some motorcycle ground strap,
which is read'ly avail'ble an' flat, so it don't queer up the fit o'
the lid. Bolt the straps down real secure, an' put vaseline on th'
bolts.
Now, set th' Kickass tahmer fer 8 weeks, plug th' pahr splah in,
make sure ya got 30 amps, an' take a hike.
'Member, neutrons ain't yer frens. Keep ol' Blue away from th' shack
unless ya want two-headed puppies runnin' around eatin' too much,
probly worrit yore mom no end, an' if ya gotta go in ther ta check,
don't stay long. Ya want ol' Joe's advice, after around 7 weeks, don't
go in ther atall.
This hear makes a real 'hot flash', an' in fact, it's whut this book
is named fer. Y'all kin see th' flash from a couple mahls away, raht
through th' av'ridge wall, so don't go bildin' it in yer basemit. Got
thet? No need ta keep it too close ta home, raht? Ya kin get caught
with it if it's too close. Besides, ya don't want yer sister fahndin'
out wher her earrin's got off ta. She probly woont lahk it, an' she'll
make ya cut her in on the deal. 'Course, thet maht not be too bad, if
she's good with a soldrin' ahrn. Probly bilds good pahr splahs, an
that's importunt ta this 'hot flash'.
Ah got trouble, Joe. Now whut?
______________________________
Whut happen Whut ta do
___________________________________________________________________________
ya hair falls out Dummy! I tol' ya not ta stan' aroun' up
in hanks close-lahk! Thow away yer clothin', an'
take lots o' shahrs. Eat some vitamin E,
an' call th' doc ef'n it don't stop in
a spell.
red skin & funny spots same thing.
juice won't drop to shunt circuit screwed up, or ya bought a cheap
10-15 amps tahmer. Don't bah you no cheap tahmers!
no flash after 8 th' Authority mebbe cut yer pahr. Wait 2 more
weeks is gone bah weeks an' then check fer pahr at the wall sockit.
Ef thet don't work, check the pahr splah. Ah
tol' ya yer sister probly bild it better then
you, ya shoulda listened. Also check th'
tahmer. 'Member whut ah sed about cheap ones!
Big wet spot ya crock leak? If no leaks, check the roof. If
the roof leaks, don't worrit yerself. If th'
crock leaks, fix it quick.
'lectrode turns brown probly yer Lithium Lye is contaminatid. Ya can
give it up, or start over.
runs hot only happins once in a whahl. Swipe Grampa's
ol' still-tubin', an' make lahk a li'l still
coil with it. Jes' run th' outlet back inta
the crock. Duck tape the whole mess real good.
If thet ain't enuf, use a truck radiater.
Don't drink the stuff, neither! Taste lahk
hell, take it from one that knows.
Youall have fun, now. Ef ya hit the sweet spot, th' hill will glow fer
munths. Thet means you done real good! Set up a "myst'ry spot" sahn,
an' charge th' city folks a dollar a look.
Yore Frend,
Joe
--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to
[email protected]
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing.
If you MUST reply to a rejection, include a description of your joke
because there is 0 chance I will remember which one it was.
