From:
[email protected] (Tom Newcomb)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: Another compendium of history
Keywords: rec.humor, rec_humor_cull, funny
Date: 13 Jun 88 04:22:09 GMT
Organization: University of California, Berkeley
[There are a lot of these around. I wonder if they actually come
from essays or people make them up. Anyway, this one isn't bad. - Ed]
Those who forget history--and the English language--may be
condemned to mangle both. Historian Anders Henriksson, a five-
year veteran of the university classroom, has faithfully recorded
his freshman students' more striking insights into European
history. Possibly as an act of vengeance, Henriksson has
assembled these fractured fragments into a chronological narra-
tive from the Middle Ages to the present.
During the Middle Ages, everyone was middle aged. Church and
state were co-operated. Middle Evil society was made up of monks,
lords, and surfs. After a revival of infantile commerce,
merchants appeared. Those roamed from town to town exposing them-
selves and organizing big fairies in the countryside. The
Crusades were expeditions by Christians who were seeking to free
the holy land (the "Home Town" of Christ) from the Islams.
In the 1400 hundreds most Englishmen were perpendicular. A
class of ycowls arose. Finally, Europe caught the Black Death. It
was spread from port to port by inflected rats. The plague also
helped the emergence of English as the national language of
England, France, and Italy.
The Middle Ages slimpared to a halt. The renesance bolted in
from the blue. Life reeked with joy. Italy became robust, and
more individuals felt the value of their human being. Italy, of
course, was much closer to the rest of the world, thanks to
northern Europe. Man was determined to civilise himself and his
brothers, even if heads had to roll! It became sheik to be educa-
ted. Europe was full of incredable churches with great art
bulging out of their doors. Renaisance merchants were beautiful
and almost lifelike.
The Reformnation happened when German nobles resented that
tithes were going to the pope, thus enriching Catholic coiffures.
The popes were usually Catholic. An angry Martin Luther nailed 95
theocrats to a church door. Theologically, Luthar was into reori-
entation mutation. Anabaptist services tended to be migratory.
Monks went right on seeing themselves as worms. The last Jesuit
priest died in the 19th century.
After the refirmation were wars both foreign and infernal.
If the Spanish could gain the Netherlands they would have a
stronghold throughout northern Europe that would include Italy,
Burgangy, central Europe and India thus surrounding France. The
German Emperor's lower passage was blocked by the French for
years and years.
Louis XIV became King of the Sun. He gave people food and
artillery. If he didn't like someone, he sent them to the gallows
to row for the rest of their lives. Vauban was the royal minister
of flirtation.
In Russia, the 17th century was known as the time of the
bounding of the serfs. Russian nobles wore clothes to humor Peter
the Great. Peter filled his government with accidental people;
orthodox priests became government antennae.
The enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltaire wrote a
book called Candy that got him into trouble. Philosophers were
unknown yet, and the fundamental stake was one of religious
tolerance slightly confused with defeatism.
France was in a serious state. Taxation was a great drain on
the state budget. The French revolution was accomplished before
it happened. The revolution catapaulted into Napolean. Napoleon
was ill with bladder problems and was very tense and unrestrain-
ed.
History started in 1815. Industrialization was precipitating
in England. Problems were so complexicated that in Paris, out of
a population of 1 million people, 2 million able bodies were on
the loose.
The middle class was tired and needed a rest. The old order
could see the lid holding down new ideas beginning to shake.
Among the goals of the chartists were universal suferage and an
anal parliment.
A new time zone of national unification roared over the
horizon. Founder of the new Italy was Cavour, an intelligent
Sardine from the north. Culture formented from its tip to its
top. Dramatized were adventures in seduction and abortion. Music
reeked with reality. Wagner was master of music, and when he died
they labeled his seat "historical."
World War I broke out about 1912-1914. At war people get
killed, and then they aren't people any more, but friends. Peace
was proclaimed at Versigh, which was attended by General Loid,
Primal Minister of England. President Wilson arrived with 14
pointers. In 1917, Lenin revolted Russia.
Germany was displaced after WW1. This gave rise to Hitler,
who remilitarized the Rineland over a squirmish between Germany
and France. Mooscalini rested his foundations on 8 million
bayonets and invaded Hi Lee Salasy. Germany invaded Poland,
France invaded Belgium, and Russia invaded everybody. War
screeched to an end when a nukleer explosion was dropped on
Heroshima. A whole generation had been wipe out, and their
forlorne families were left to pick up the peaces.
The last stage is us.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Tom Newcomb
--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to watmath!looking!funny .
One joke per submission, with descriptive "Subject:" and no form feeds, please!
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing.
