Buy some really sleazy skin magazines -- ones featuring kiddie porn,
animals, etc. Use an IBM typewriter and some pressure-sensitive mailing labels
to prepare phony address labels in your mark's name. Place them on the porno
magazines. You can start by leaving a few magazines in doctors' or dentists'
waiting rooms, Sunday-school reading rooms, and the periodical shelves of your
local library. The public will think your mark is passing along his used
literature.
You might also get some paste-over copyright stickers printed with your
mark's name and address. Buy some raunchy porno, put the stickers in somewhere
on the title area, then take the goods to local grade school and junior high
school areas and sell them to the children. Do this only once. If you do get
caught, swear the mark paid you to distribute his pornography.
This tactic is best used against bluenose censors and others who would
impose their own personal beliefs upon you under penalty of law. According to
civil libertarian Townsend McFerrick, this piece of counter-propaganda is
almost always effective against the personal outrages of puritanical dictators.
==============
POSTAL SERVICE
==============
M.J. Banks once sent her mother a Bible via the U.S. Postal Service. By
the time it arrived, seven of the Ten Commandments were broken.
If you like your mail deliverer but dislike the U.S. Postal Service, Loren
Eugene Sturgis has good news for you. He feels that ordinary citizens are
already subsidizing the big corporations and their junk-mail advertising. He
fights junk mail, which we'll get to in a moment. But, here is one of Loren's
ways of cutting down on your own personal postal overhead.
Use Elmer's glue to coat the surfaces of stamps. This substance defeats
the cancellation imprint enough that when you soak the stamp in lukewark water,
both the Elmer's and the cancellation ink come right off. Then you reglue the
back of the stamp and use it again and again and again. This is a real
money-saver for those who use a lot of postage, Loren points out. Your local
postmaster would also point out how illegal this stunt is. Whom would you
rather believe?
Rufus and Ruthie Luv are true rebels. Ruf used to work for the postal
service, and he claims that automatic sorting machines really can't tell stamp
denominations. For example, he said letters do go through with Easter Seals in
place of stamps. He also suggests placing your stamp in the lower right
corner. That way, the automatic canceling device will miss it and someone can
reuse the stamp.
The U.S. Postal Service also furnishes you with games you can play with
your mark. If you've ever moved, you know how happy USPS is to give you
change-of-address cards. OK, you get such card and change your mark's address.
It would be good if you had his mail sent to another state. Don't get exotic,
though; keep it simple. Use a larger city, like Los Angeles, since this
increases the likelihood of further screw-ups as the mark attempts to
straighten out the mess when he discovers his mail is no longer arriving. You
can double the trouble by changing both home and business addresses. Stop a
few moments and think how fouled up your own life would be if your mail was
suddenly diverted and possibly lost. It's just a thought....
================
THE POWER CARTEL
================
When Metropolitan Edison had to raise money shortly after being
embarrassed by its nuclear tinker toy at Three Mile Island in Pennsylvania, the
premier psychic semiologist Doctor John McManmon joked that they offered to
sell used matches as an alternative power source.
In a far more deadly vein, Eddie Gast doesn't regard the giant utility
companies as public services. He sees them as powerful monopilies who buy
legislators, judges, and commission officials as human investments toward
larger profits for the big stockholers.
"They don't deserve mere dirty tricks," says Gast. "Out-and-out sabotage
is all they understand. The ecotage raiders had the answers -- cut power lines
and blow up towers."
Gast also advocates shooting insulators, trashing vehicles and other
power-company equipment, and terrorizing their service workers.
"I also show people how to doctor their home meters to cut way back on the
amount of money paid for electricty. Anyone can learn how -- a guy even has a
book out on it [John Williams, STOPPING POWER METERS, available from
Loompanics]. Do unto them before they do unto you, I say."
Asked if this doesn't inconvenience and even hurt innocent people, Gast
says it does, but they must learn who the enemy really is.
Other tricksters are less radical. Osborn Milteer suggests that most of
the tricks pulled on the telephone and oil companies will work as well on the
power giants.
"Leave the small rural co-ops alone, though," says Milteer.
Surprisingly, Gast agrees, adding, "The rural co-ops are the way things
should work. The people really do own them. I want to destroy the mammoth
corporations -- the monopolies who own nuclear plants and oil companies and act
as if they own our government, too."
For example, J.W. Burke, Jr., writes from Virginia to explain the monopoly
between the State Corporation Commission and the VEPCO (the Virginia Power
Company). He explains that in the middle of May 1979 VEPCO filed for a rate
increase of nine million dollars citing financial losses caused by the
temporary shutdown of two nuclear units by the federal government. They had
already just had a huge increase in March. Without a whimper, the Virginia
"regulatory" agency gave in.
According to Burke, that's not the end. Less than a week after getting
the nine million, the VEPCO powers came around asking for an additional nine
million.
A mite upset, Burke exploded, "They [VEPCO] don't give a shit about public
relations, and they don't need to, because the newspapers here won't even
squeak about this. VEPCO also has the State Corporation Commission in their
pocket.
"It's worth noting that the SCC has never turned down a VEPCO
rate-increase request. We have a lot of getting even to do here in the Old
Dominion."
The power cartel is as vunerable to the same getting-even tricks as are
deserving institutions and persons mentioned in other sections of this book.
=======
PRINTER
=======
You've noticed that a friendly, trustworthy, and perhaps devious printer
has been your staunch associate in so many tricks. A printer can be your best
friend, and having access to one or more totally trusted printers is an
absolute must for a trickster. There is an old axiom about the printing
business that goes, "We don't read the writing; we just set the type." Don't
trust it. Instead, trust a friendly printer you know. Often it is easy to
find a printer who thinks as you do. If not, your best bet is among large
printshops in other cities. Although this is risky, many really don't censor
your jobs. But you're better off to cultivate your own good offset printer.
Unless your printer is also a good graphic artist, don't rely on him or
her for such services as double printing, counterfeiting official documents,
retouching, or sophisticated design work. That works calls for a person who
has the specific skills and knowledge to handle it. I might add that those
skills are not all that tough to pick up. Speaking from experience, a solid
background in advertising and publications work will give you the specific
knowledge and skills.
=========
RAILROADS
=========
If a railroad line has been nasty to you and you want to get back, you are
welcome to follow "Bart's" advice. A fan of Edward Abbey, "Bart" offers you
the following from his trickster's arsenal. Set the manual brakes on railroad
cars; this will cause a great deal of delay in checking and rechecking, which
ties up people, time, and money. You can visit the railyard areas on cold,
cold nights in winter and pour lots of water on the switch points. This
freezes the switches, making them inoperable.
====
RATS
====
Here's one where the price just has to be about right. You invest a few
dollars in some Norwegian rats -- the big, dirty, mean ones. The idea is to
get males and females. Put them in some well-screened rabbit hutches. Feed
them on garbage and swampweeds. These rodents are cheap to keep, and they
multiply quickly, and they make people really unhappy. Ask a New Yorker about
the Rat Raids of summer 1979! I am sure the imaginations of many readers have
already figured out creative things to do with all those rats. Good old
Willard, revisited!
========
RELIGION
========
If your mark is a religious sort, you could follow the advice of Lee H.
Blakely, who suggests printing up phony leterheads using your mark's name,
address, and telephone number under the imprinteur of a group such as Atheists
for a Stronger America or Nonbelievers Against God or Gays Against God.
Blakely continues, "You then mail really bitchy letters to local TV
stations demanding equal time to make up for 'Sunrise Sermonette.' You also
write letters to local newspapers. Sometimes, smaller newspapers don't verify
letters that come in on letterheads and are typed well."
From one of my regular religious correspondents, the Reverend Fleisher
McGeary, I learned that hooligans have been carrying on near his parish in
Packer, Alabama. It seems their trick is to call or visit one of the local
whacko religious sects -- the goofier and more Holy Roller the better -- and
ask them to come meditate with "you" and your family. Of course, you give them
the name and address of your mark. Another variant is to suggest that the holy
folks roll in during the mark's office hours and save the staff. Getting the
fix set up here requires a great acting job, lots of sincerely pious rhetoric,
and all that glop. But according to McGeary, it works.
If the mark is not well-known in his/her neighborhood, you can call, using
the mark's name, and say you would like to come talk with the neighbor about
communism, gay rights, gun control, interracial sex relations, or free drugs.
The idea here is to be as obnoxious as possible about the issues. Say that
your mark represents his/her local church.
If the mark is a Grand Liberal, you can use the same tactic, but turn the
topics around -- support for the death penalty for most any crime, even tougher
antidrug laws, outlawing abortion, and making the ERA illegal.
===========
RESTAURANTS
===========
It used to be annoying when a waitess accidentally stuck her thumb in your
soup while serving you lunch. That was before topless waitresses, however.
Suppose you're really fried with a local eatery for charging you for
terrible food time after time, and are ready to wash your hands of the whole
place. Try silver nitrate instead. If you can introduce a bit of that
chemical into the soap dispenser in the restaurant washroom, you will have
customers and employees furious with the restaurant. Silver nitrate will leave
their hands and faces unwashably stained to an ugly, erratic brown color. It
does not come off easily.
Harry Katz, a prominent Pennsylvania socialite, frequents many posh dining
establishments in the company of equally ritzy jet setters. He insists that
this scam is only a practical joke, which may be correct. However, with a bit
of malice aforethought, someone could easily create a nasty version. Harry
carries with him a supply of elegantly printed cards. He spots someone he
wishes to hassle and bribes a waiter to carry one of the cards over to the
mark. The card reads, "The management requests that you and your party leave
immediately before we have to call the authorities."
Of course, we don't always have to be so sophisticated. If there are
entire groups of people you don't like, you can always eat in restaurants
frequented by such people and put salt into the sugar dispensers or unscrew the
tops of the salt and pepper shakers, so that the next diner gets a plate full
of seasoning. Of course, such stunts are perilously close to April Fool
amateurism, but they do have some minor harassment value.
If you had a friend who would take care of the tab, you'd take that friend
out to dinner, right? In some swanky and excellent eatery, order your finest
repast. Treat yourself to the best. About halfway through your meal, you
introduce that friend who's going to take care of your tab. Your friend is a
dead cockroach that you brought in with you, carried carefully in your jacket
pocket. Place your late friend amid some food on your plate and then turn on
your theatrics. Make a noisy fuss and express concern about your health and
the restaurant's cleanliness standards, and mutter about your lawyer filing an
action. After this, let the management talk you into a free meal or two and
some drinks.
This next trick will cost a few bucks, but if you consider it as a
perverted investment, the return will be worth many times the outlay. For
example, a small display ad could be run in either a campus newspaper or one of
the small local newspapers or shoppers. Pick one that isn't too professional,
since they are less likely to check the veracity of the ad.
The ad promises some fantastic dinner bargain, such as a steak dinner for
two at half price, when the clipped ad is presented between 6 and 7 o' clock
that night. Or promise an All You Can Eat Special of roast steamship round of
beef for three dollars, with all the trimmings, also with the clippped ad. Use
the logo of the restaurant with which you are feuding in the ad. Check their
regular ads so your layout looks authentic. Take it in and tell them you're
the new assistant who handles advertising. Just don't spend too much time
talking or getting remembered. Be prepared to pay cash if necessary.
Between 6 and 7 P.M. your mark will literally have his restaurant crammed
with very hungry and soon-to-be-very-unhappy customers. By 8 P.M. the owner
could have a whole lot of ex-customers and an undeserved bad reputation that
will be hard to oevercome. Or the owner may decide to go along with the
"promise," which will cost her/him a lot of bucks. Finally, there will be an
unpleasant scene with the newspaper. This scam will also work with local radio
stations.
Note, too, that this scam can be turned so that the mark is the newspaper
or radio station.
================
RICHARD M. NIXON
================
Richard Nixon has all the charm and warmth of an obscene Christmas card.
Let's remember him always. For instance, whenever you are asked for your
Social Security number for no good purpose to you, and when giving a false one
will not harm you, give them Richard Nixon's number. It's the least we can do
for all that he did to us. Richard M. Nixon's Social Security number is
567-68-0515.
=============
RUBBER STAMPS
=============
A stock of "official" rubber stamps is an important part of documenting
authentication. A good sampling of what you need and what is available may be
found in THE NEW PAPER TRIP, a valuable reference book for the dirty trickster.
Most office-supply stores and many mail-order outfits sell just about any
rubber stamp you need. You will need rubber stamps.
========
SECURITY
========
Mort Sahl once pointed out that people who were afraid of ideas and
thinking would label him an outlaw. Yet, Sahl, who has a hell of a lot more
understanding and conscience than many people have brains, says he thinks of
himself as a moral sheriff. I think we can tie into that.
Any person concerned with security needs a supply of chains, locks,
cables, and glues. Sometimes you need to protect your mark. That might mean
chaining his/her car to the bumper of another car at a party, in a parking lot,
or on the street. A good padlock completes the picture, and by the time you
get some expert there to release things, everyone is unhappy. If your mark is
the obvious target, then all the victims are unhappy with him/her, too.
Locks, chains, and cables are great for closing lanes and driveways,
sealing vehicles in or out. They can keep people in offices, homes,
apartments, or even buildings. They can fasten objects to other objects. The
horizon of your own ideas is not yet even in sight.
===========
SLEEPY TIME
===========
If you want your mark to sleep for a bit you should know that the fabled
Mickey Finn, knockout drops of grade-B-film fame, is a very real item that you
can incorporate into your dirty tricks. The mysterious liquid is simply
chloral hydrate. Although it is no longer in general use as a sedative, it is
still available. In addition, you can easily find the formula to produce your
own version. It's a bitter substance, so mix one gram with several dissolved
saccharine tablets before serving. Most experts also suggest that you use the
chloral hydrate in connection with booze -- a very potent combination.
Another sleepy-time mixture is one capsule of Seconal mixed in with the
marks beer. But as Doctor Christopher Garwood Doyle cautions, use only one
capsule and never use this drug with someone who is really loaded or otherwise
medically messed up. Seconal is a powerful downer and can be deadly.
Other than that, according to Doyle, you take one capsule of Seconal, the
hundred-milligram size, and empty it into a glass of beer. Stir gently and
serve to the mark. Sleep will take him away in about fifteen minutes.
Sweet dreams.
==========
SLINGSHOTS
==========
Slingshots are useful tools for the dirty trickster. The modern ones are
as different from the forked-limb-and-inner-tube variety of your youth as a
Daisy BB gun is from a Taser. They aren't even called slingshots any more.
The technocrats have renamed them hand catapults. I bet Goliath is turning
over in his grave.
Any good sporting-goods store can outfit you with the proper
nylon-and-steel Hand Catapult to carry on your missions. If you'd prefer to
deal through the mail, write to Wham-O, Box 4, San Gabriel, California 91778.
If you want a giant assault model, there's one available, according to Mike Hoy
of Loompanics. Mike reports that an outfit known as Information Unlimited,
Milford, New Hampshire 03055, sells plans for a "giant slingshot," which is
five feet tall and anchored into the ground.
I recall some of the boys in my old neighborhood using an improvised
version of the giant slingshot to propel large fruits and vegetables against
the home of the neighborhood grouch. They used the fork of a walnut tree and
an entire inner tube. A winch drew back the pouch, which could load several
cantaloupes, pieces of watermelon, a half dozen tomatoes, or combinations of
the above. Effective hits were scored at about 75 yards, as I recall. Perhaps
this technique could be put to modern use by means of a mobile weapon.
========
STICKERS
========
John Hansen of Boulder, Colorado, takes a more passive but no less
creative approach in his revenge.
"Vexed by poor service in restaurants, vending machines, and other devices
or institutions that take your money and don't deliver the promised services?"
Hansen asks. His response is called Creative Revenge.
He has had permastick slogans printed to slap on an offender's premises or
equipment. For example, if a vending machine fails to deliver, Hansen slaps it
with a sticker reading, THIS MACHINE STEALS MONEY. For restaurants, Hansen has
stickers that read, HORRIBLE FOOD, or LOUSY SERVICE. The stickers can be
placed on the table or counter, or on the windows and doors of the
establishment.
His other stickers include THIS MOVIE RATED BLAH for questionable
cinematic efforts, MY TAXES PAID FOR THIS? to be placed on examples of
government or public foolishness, FILTHY RESTROOMS, for either food-service or
gasoline stations, and INEPT NERD for offending civil servants or irritating
store clerks.
For the simpleminded who park supidly in one or more spaces, Hansen tags
their vehicles with WAY TO PARK, ACE. He has a bunch of NO MORE JUNK MAIL --
RETURN TO SENDER stickers to affix to people's mailboxes. Enraged by the oil
companies, John Hansen printed a new sticker for the first time in mid-1979 --
PRICE GOUGER -- which adorns hundreds of service-station gasoline pumps. In
many cases, equally irritated station owners are not removing the stickers.
Hansen has a huge variety of stickers, including examples such as RIPOFF;
PAID UNDER PROTEST; YES I MIND, DON'T SMOKE; RUDE DRIVER; GAS HOG; and an
entire selection of adult stickers that feature hilariously nasty slogans whose
R rating places them out of Family Hour. I have used Hansen's stickers, and
they are wonderful. For a worthwhile sample kit, send $1 to Consumer Comments,
Box 175, Niwot, Colorado 80544.
Downloaded From P-80 Systems 304-744-2253
Downloaded From P-80 International Information Systems 304-744-2253
