------------------------------
From:
[email protected](Bob Izenberg)
Subject: Bad Moveez mark II
Date: Wed, 27 Feb 91 00:10:53 CST
********************************************************************
*** CuD #3.07: File 5 of 6: Computers in the Movies ***
********************************************************************
* CUD Goes To The Movies *
Jim Thomas challenged some friends and I to come up with the worst "hacker"
films that we'd seen. What follows is only a partial list, and you've
probably got your own favorites, if that's the right word. They're in no
particular order. I know that I'm leaving a gold-mine of bad plot ideas
untouched by ignoring commercial television. There's been one awful Booker
episode that weighed in at the Cargo Cult level of sophistication, for
example. You probably can think of more.
-- Bob
----------------------------------------------------------------
Eight Bad Bits: The Computer Underground Film Hall of Shame
----------------------------------------------------------------
[ 1 ] War Games. The first of the big "Swatch hacker"
movies. It spawned a wave of original thinkers with "joshua"
as their user id or password. Were NORAD computers ever
this insecure? For about ten seconds back in the Dark Ages,
maybe.
[ 2 ] Malibu Express. High tech and low morals,
courtesy of ex-ABC Sports producer Andy Sidaris. I could
say that this is a tightly plotted adventure which treats
today's computer embezzlement headlines as a starting point.
If you'd stop staring at the bimbos for a minute, you might
agree with me. The opening credits roll over some serious
Nail Slicks risking death on an Atari keyboard. This sets
the tone for the whole film.
[ 3 ] Prime Risk. Komputer Kids with job and bank
problems spoof their least favorite bank's ATM network, only
to find someone doing it on a bigger scale, for money
instead of curiosity and revenge. The understanding and
empathetic Federal agent rescues them and thanks them for
their vigilance. Uh huh. Note how Toni Hudson's character
is scripted as a Renaissance nerd, as far above Gilda
Radner's Lisa Lubner character as amoebas are above Dan
Quayle.
[ 4 ] Colossus: The Forbin Project. Jim Thomas voted
for this one, in appreciation of a malevolent defense
computer with no off switch. It's the system manager's
fairy tale: it never crashes, never needs new parts, never
has transmission problems. How long it takes us to reach
this cybernetic state of grace is left to the viewer's
imagination.
[ 5 ] The Manhattan Project. There's a reason, you
know, why electrical supply houses aren't found in high-
dollar shopping malls. I'm sorry, but hipper-than-thou
nerds are the stuff of Hollywood's Summer Slump cure. Not a
computer in the picture except as props, but there's a bit
of hacker curiosity and humor in the script.
[ 6 ] Electric Dreams. Computer oversell proves
truthful when digiphobe Lenny Van Dohlen competes with his
"Pineapple" computer for his neighbor's affections.
[ 7 ] The Running Man. Hahahahahahahahah. Arnold in
Spandex yellow leotards. Mick Fleetwood and Dweezil Zappa
running the Revolutionary Left. One hundred years from now,
"Richard Bachman" will spin in his grave like a turbine
whenever this is shown. The "Weiss" character plays video
skittles for a minute to crack the Secret Network Code. Rick
Moranis says it best in Spaceballs: "That's the combination
an idiot would have on his luggage!"
[ 8 ] Tron. A bitter triumph of Big Special Effects
Bucks over story, guaranteed to make anyone who's ever heard
of Mike Jittlov cry in anguish. Picture the scriptwriter's
meeting: "You're not leaving this room until you've used
every buzzword in this book!" Must material to show off
that new videodisc player or 50" monitor, however. (No
"bit player" jokes here, I gots too much class fer that.)
------------------------
Dishonorable Mention
------------------------
[ 0 ] Evilspeak. The Devil's in my disk drive! Military
prep Clint Howard gets hazed by classmates, then seeks
Satanic assistance from behind his keyboard. Carrie without
tampons for the high-tech set. The Bad Sci-Fi numerologists
hint that this (666) must be the sequel to The Andromeda
Strain (601), digitwise. Jeez, experts.
[ 0 ] The Computer Wore Tennis Shoes. Always consider
the Classics. A kinda porky Kurt Russell gets a jolt and
leaves Jockville behind for Braintown. Old Walt might have
known as much about computers as he did about animal
behavior, but he did cut an acceptable teen yarn.
[ 0 ] Forbidden World. Show this and you'll disappoint
computerists and sci-fi fans alike. Some gene-spliced oil
slick expresses a difference of opinion about who's the Food Of
The Future around here, anyway. Later, it grows teeth and
is found to have bio-hacked the base computer. Type type, munch
munch. Stay tuned for (or beware of) the scientist who cuts
a softball-sized tumor out of his own stomach (sans anesthesia)
and slam dunks it down the monster's throat.
[ 0 ] Thrillkill. Bad bad bad. Even cable stations
won't show this when decent folk are awake.
[ 0 ] Ferris Bueller's Day Off. I know, it's a comedy,
so I'll go easy. "I asked for a car; I got a computer."
Maybe I'm way off base in doubting whether a conniving rich
kid would ever get beyond a stock ticker, technology-wise.
That thirty-second scene, and the synth in the bedroom,
branded it forever thus: "Ferris Bueller (Matthew Broderick)
plays high-tech hooky in the big city." Cliff's Notes are too
complex for some people, apparently.
[ 0 ] Chopping Mall. Sorry, but I had to slip one more
slash flick in here. It's nice to see Paul and Mary Bland again
(after Eating Raoul.) Also, there's something about security robots
running amuck that might strike a familiar chord in readers of
this august publication.
-----------------------------------------
From The Land of The Forgotten Titles
-----------------------------------------
[ ? ] A bunch of fantasy gamers find some plugged-in
Ayatollah using a time-sharing network to aim his terrorists
here in the U.S. of A. They sneak in and aim them at
useless targets. Dialogue by Craftsman and U.S. Plywood.
********************************************************************
>> END OF THIS FILE <<
***************************************************************************
