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=                             I-message                              =
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                            Introduction
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In interpersonal communication, an I-message or I-statement is an
assertion about the feelings, beliefs, values, etc. of the person
speaking, generally expressed as a sentence beginning with the word
"I", and is contrasted with a "you-message" or "you-statement", which
often begins with the word "you" and focuses on the person spoken to.
Thomas Gordon coined the term "I message" in the 1960s while doing
play therapy with children. He added the concept to his book for
parents, 'P.E.T.: Parent Effectiveness Training' (1970).  Not every
message that begins with the word "I" is an I-message.

I-messages are often used with the intent to be assertive without
putting the listener on the defensive by avoiding accusations. They
are also used to take ownership for one's feelings rather than
implying that they are caused by another person. An example of this
would be to say: "I really am getting backed up on my work since I
don't have the financial report yet", rather than: "you didn't finish
the financial report on time!" (The latter is an example of a
"you-statement").

I-messages or I-statements can also be used in constructive criticism.
For instance, one might say, "I had to read that section of your paper
three times before I understood it", rather than, "This section is
worded in a really confusing way", or "You need to learn how to word a
paper more clearly." The former comment leaves open the possibility
that the fault lies with the giver of the criticism. According to the
Conflict Resolution Network, I-statements are a dispute resolution
conversation opener that can be used to state how one sees things and
how one would like things to be, without using inflaming language.


                       I-message construction
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While the underlying rationale and approach to I-messages is similar
in various systems, there are both three-part and four-part models for
constructing I-messages.

The simplest form, as frequently taught, is a single two-part
sentence:
# When you... (objective event; 1st event),
# I feel... (subjective feeling; 2nd event).
It should be cautioned that "when you..." should be based on an
objective event and avoid claims regarding intent. "When you said my
birthday was in the wrong month, I felt like you don't care about me,"
is preferred over, "When you act like you don't care about me and my
birthday..." This allows people talking to focus on events and
feelings as separate events, which both allows people to express their
feelings more clearly and helps clarify the initial event and reach
agreement between parties.

A three-part model is proposed by the University of Tennessee Family
& Consumer Sciences for improving communication with children:
# I feel... (Insert feeling word)
# when... (tell what caused the feeling).
# I would like... (tell what you want to happen instead).

According to Hope E. Morrow, a common pitfall in I-statement
construction is using phrases like "I feel that..." or "I like
that..." which typically express an opinion or judgment, such as "I
feel that you don't care" or "I feel that you don't do your fair share
of the work". Morrow favors following "I feel..." with a feeling such
as "sad", "angry", etc.

Gordon advises that to use an I-message successfully, there should be
congruence between the words one is using and one's affect, tone of
voice, facial expression and body language. Gordon also describes a
3-part I-message, called a "confrontive" I-message, with the following
parts:
*non-blameful description of the listener's behavior
*the effect of that behavior on the speaker
*the speaker's feelings about that effect
He describes the I-message as an appeal for help from the other
person, and states that the other person is more likely to respond
positively when the message is presented in that way.


Conflict resolution
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When an "I" message contains "you-messages", conflict situations can
be harder to address. For example: "I feel..., when you..., and I want
you to..." This can put the receiver of the statement on the
defensive. In a dispute, use of a phrase that begins with "I want" may
encourage the parties to engage in positional problem solving.
Positional problem solving is stating the outcome that the person
wants, rather than the reason the person wants the problem solved.
For example, "I want you to take out the trash every night" is
positional problem solving, and "I don't want the kitchen to smell
bad" is the reason.  Declaring a single acceptable solution at the
start makes many conflicts more difficult to resolve.

An "interest-based" approach to conflict resolution suggests using
statements that reflect why the individual wants something.

The goals of an "I" message in an interest-based approach:
* to avoid using "you" statements that will escalate the conflict
* to respond in a way that will de-escalate the conflict
* to identify feelings
* to identify behaviors that are causing the conflict
* to help individuals resolve the present conflict and/or prevent
future conflicts.

The Ohio Commission on Dispute Resolution and Conflict Management
summarized this approach as follows: "A sender of a message can use a
statement that begins with 'I' and expresses the sender's feelings,
identifies the unwanted behavior, and indicates a willingness to
resolve the dispute, without using 'you' statements or engaging in
positional problem solving".

The Commission proposed a four-part I-message:
#"I feel ___ (taking responsibility for one's own feelings)
#"I don't like it when__ " (stating the behavior that is a problem)
#"because____" (what it is about the behavior or its consequences that
one objects to)
#"Can we work this out together?" (be open to working on the problem
together).

Marital stability and relationship analysis researcher John Gottman
notes that although I-statements are less likely than You-statements
to be critical and to make the listener defensive, "you can also buck
this general rule and come up with 'I' statements like 'I think you
are selfish' that are hardly gentle. So the point is not to start
talking to your spouse in some stilted psychobabble. Just keep in mind
that if your words focus on how 'you're' feeling rather than on
accusing your spouse, your discussion will be far more successful."


Shifting gears
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Thomas Gordon writes, "Although I-messages are more likely to
influence others to change than You-messages, still it is a fact that
being confronted with the prospect of having to change is often
disturbing to the changee." A quick shift by the sender of the
I-message to an active listening posture can achieve several important
functions in this situation, according to Gordon.  He states that in
Leader Effectiveness Training courses, this is called "shifting
gears", and states that the person might shift back to an I-message
later in the conversation.


                         Use of the concept
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In his book about mentoring, Gordon F. Shea states that communications
specialists find that I-messages are a less threatening way to
confront someone one wants to influence, and suggests a three-part
I-message:  a neutral description of planned behaviour, consequences
of the behaviour, and the emotions of the speaker about the situation.

Carol M. Davis' manual for health care workers calls I-messages an
"important skill", but emphasizes that use of an I-message does not
guarantee that the other person will respond in a helpful way.  It
presents an I-message as a way that one can take responsibility for
one's own feelings and express them without blaming someone else.
Sheafor, Horejsi, and Horejsi's manual for social workers presents
I-messages as a technique with the purpose of improving the
effectiveness of communication.


                        Emotional reactions
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A study in Hong Kong of children's reactions to messages from their
mothers found that children are most receptive to I-messages  that
reveal distress, and most antagonistic towards critical you-messages.
A study with university students as subjects  did not find differences
in emotional reactions to I-messages and you-messages for negative
emotions, but did find differences in reactions for positive emotions.

A study of self-reported emotional reactions to I-statements and
you-statements by adolescents found that accusatory you-statements
evoked greater anger and a greater inclination for antagonistic
response than assertive I-statements.


                              See also
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*Conflict resolution
*Face saving
*Flaming (Internet)
*Nonviolent Communication
*Passive aggression
*Passivity


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