Do you think it's possible to not have an emotional bond with someone
you had sex with? It seems possible because there are so many people
who are always with different partners yet never really care for
them.
By Mary Beth Bonacci
Nearly every high school, college and singles group has a certain
percentage of people we would call "loose" or "promiscuous" or other
words I won't print because this is a family column. We tend to look
down our noses at people like that, feeling morally superior because
we haven't committed their particular brand of sin.
But what's up with them? How are they able to have sex so frequently
and with so many different people, without experiencing that powerful
"superglue of the heart" we've been discussing for so long, the
emotional bond of sexual activity?
First of all, I doubt it started out this way. Early, and especially
first, sexual experiences tend to leave strong impressions, and to
create a powerful bond. In fact, psychologists sometimes refer to a
phenomenon called "imprinting". According to them, when a woman has
voluntary (rape doesn't count) sex for the first time, her partner
becomes "imprinted" on her mind in a very strong and permanent way.
(I don't know if it doesn't happen when men lose their virginity, or
if they've just never studied it, but the references I see always
refer to women).
I have no doubt that imprinting really happens. I've seen it time and
time again -- in happily married women who don't understand why they
still obsess over a boyfriend they haven't seen in decades, in women
who freak out when the person to whom they lost their virginity gets
married. They often tell me that they think they're going crazy. But
they're not. Their response is perfectly normal. Unpleasant,
disturbing -- but normal.
So a person loses his or her virginity in a relationship they
perceive to be "love." But then, the relationship breaks up. The bond
is broken. "Love" is gone. Different people react in different ways.
Some recognize that sex isn't the place to look for love, and they
turn to God, or friends or family to provide them with the love they
need.
Others, especially the particularly needy ones, often take a
different approach. They go looking for love, again, in sex. It's the
only way they know. Eventually that relationship breaks up too, the
bond has broken again, and they're back in the cycle. But something
begins to happen. They know they've been hurt before, and they don't
want to be hurt again. So they "harden their hearts" a little bit.
They become distrustful and protective. They still give their bodies,
but they try not to give themselves. Each time the bond breaks, their
hearts become a little more "scarred". Eventually, they lose the
ability to bond altogether.
Think of a piece of duct tape. If you stuck it to your arm and then
tore it off, it would hurt. But if you stuck that same piece to your
arm again and tore it off again, it wouldn't hurt so much. Some of
the "stick" would be gone. If you kept going, eventually the tape
wouldn't stick at all.
So this is what can happen to people when they become promiscuous.
Their hearts lose their adhesiveness, their ability to bond in sexual
activity.
People like this often say they don't care about love, that they
don't believe it exists or that sex for them is just for "kicks". But
their compulsive sexual activity is still fueled by their need for
real love, even if that need has become so repressed that they are no
longer consciously aware of it.
The loss of the ability to bond is particularly bad if the person
involved gets married. That bond is helpful in marriage. It's a
necessity if a marriage is going to weather all of the challenges it
faces. Without the unity that comes from healthy sexual intimacy, a
couple is almost always bound for trouble.
Does this mean there is no hope for people whose promiscuity has
caused them to lose their ability to bond? Of course not. As always,
the hope comes through reconciliation in Christ. Anyone who
sincerely repents, who begins to live a life of chastity and who
learns to turn to God, friends and family to meet their love needs,
will find an eventual re-establishment of their ability to bond. It
may not be easy or immediate, but it will happen.
I once talked to a guy who was feeling guilty about a sexual
encounter with a girl he wasn't dating. I mentioned that what he did
was damaging to her, and he said. "It doesn't matter to her. She's
just a slut".
Wrong. It does matter. On the outside, you may see a cold, hard,
insensitive person. But I guarantee that, on the inside, there is
pain, and a love need trying desperately to be met.
So from now on, try to look a little bit differently at the "school
slut", or the promiscuous people you run into at singles' spots or
wherever. They're not necessarily evil. It's more likely that they're
lonely, and they're trying to cure that loneliness in a way that will
never, ever work.
Bonacci is a frequent lecturer on chastity.
This article appeared in the September 21, 1995 issue of "The
Arlington Catholic Herald."
Courtesy of the "Arlington Catholic Herald" diocesan newspaper of the
Arlington (VA) diocese. For subscription information, call
1-800-377-0511 or write 200 North Glebe Road, Suite 607 Arlington, VA
22203.
