The Need for Unconditional Love
by Mary Beth Bonacci
If you had a daughter and you knew she had a boyfriend five years
older than her, and she told you that she is pregnant, how would you
react? What would you do?
Gee, do you suppose this was a hypothetical question? I'm asked at
least one question like this in nearly every written question and
answer session I do. Statistically, they say that 40 percent of
today's fourteen year olds will be pregnant at least once by the time
they're 20. Many of them are facing that situation right now. There
are a lot of girls out there who are either afraid they are pregnant
or certain they are pregnant, and are desperately afraid to tell
their parents.
That fear is certainly understandable to a certain extent. If I were
a parent, I wouldn't want my teenage daughter to get pregnant. I
would realize that pregnancy would complicate her life and make it
more difficult to achieve her goals. I would be worried about all of
the physical, emotional and spiritual risks that sexual activity
would pose to her. I would have taught her that sex should be saved
for marriage, and I would be disappointed that she hadn't listened.
But there is more.
Like most parents, I would love her very, very much , more than
anyone or anything in the world. If something was wrong in her life,
especially something as serious as pregnancy, I would want to know
about it. I wouldn't want her seeking help from someone else, someone
who doesn't love her and doesn't want to protect her as much as I do.
If my daughter were pregnant, she would have a problem , a big
problem. She would need a lot of love and a lot of help. She would
need the encouragement and support of her family.
Some teenagers go to enormous lengths, from hiding a pregnancy to
seeking abortion, in order to avoid having to tell their parents. I
believe that this is a terrible mistake. Hidden pregnancies don't get
medical attention, and that's dangerous. Abortion has profound
ramifications for a woman and for her child , who loses his life so
that she won't have to tell her parents she made a mistake.
The real tragedy is that it's all for nothing. A vast majority of
parents, once they get over the initial shock, are there to help and
support their pregnant daughters. I have seen teen pregnancies bring
families closer together.
The best way to turn a bad situation around is to involve the love
and support of a family. If you find out that you are pregnant, my
best advice is to swallow your fear and inform your parents. If you
are truly convinced that you can't go to them, or if your family is
so messed up that you fear they would harm you or pressure you into
having an abortion, call your local pro-life (this is important)
pregnancy center, or call Birthright at 1-800-848-LOVE. They can help
you deal with the situation. They will help you determine the best
course of action with your parents, and will help you to tell them
when it becomes necessary.
If you're a parent of a teenage girl, remember this. If the
unthinkable should happen and she gets pregnant, you will want her to
turn to you, not to some stranger. Whether she will turn to you or
not is determined by how you behave toward her now. Is it made clear
to her that your love for her is unconditional? Does she know that
you will love her and care for her even if she messes up? Do you
remind her of this repeatedly?
I still remember my father telling me, "We'll love you no matter
what." Of course, I knew what he was really saying. He was saying,
"We'll love you even if you have premarital sex and get pregnant." He
didn't say it that explicitly, because it was understood that I
wouldn't have sex. But I remember, at the time, knowing that's what
he meant. I knew it was true. And it meant a great deal to me , not
because I was afraid I'd get pregnant, but because I knew their love
was unconditional.
Teens and parents need each other , especially in times of crisis.
Don't let fear or misunderstanding keep you apart.
Bonacci is a frequent lecturer on chastity and author of We're on A
Mission from God, published by Ignatius Press.
This article appeared in the August 1, 1996 issue of "The Arlington
Catholic Herald."
Courtesy of the "Arlington Catholic Herald" diocesan newspaper of the
Arlington (VA) diocese. For subscription information, call 1-800-377-
0511 or write 200 North Glebe Road, Suite 607 Arlington, VA 22203.
Copyright (c) 1996 EWTN
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