If I had a quarter for every time I've been asked this question, I'd
be a very rich woman.
I shouldn't be surprised. Every single television show with a female
teenage cast member has had at least one episode where she's being
pressured for sex, but decides not to because she "doesn't feel
ready."
Do you ever wonder about these girls? How do they know? What
determines whether or not they're ready for sex? Is it some kind of
alarm that goes off in their heads? Some version of the biological
clock? And what good does it do them to be ready? Does being "ready"
make sex any different? Any better? Does it protect them from
anything?
I debated a sexologist on a TV show once. (Yes, she really was a
sexologist. She had her doctorate in sexology. Don't ask.) She said
that sex is okay for teenagers when they've encountered their
"sensation of readiness," which she likened to "the feeling you get
when you can dive off the diving board and not climb back down the
ladder."
How helpful.
The problem with her approach, and with the whole "ready" thing, is
that it relies strictly on feelings. But feelings, unfortunately, are
inside of us, and they can change rather frequently. (In my case,
every 4.5 seconds or so.) Feelings alone aren't very helpful in
making decisions.
For instance, if you're trying to decide whether to dive off of a
diving board, would the most important question be how ready you
feel? Maybe you feel very ready. Maybe you've visualized the perfect
dive. Maybe your form is perfect, and your bathing suit looks great.
You feel ready. But there's no water in the pool.
Will "feeling ready" help you? No. You're going to die as soon as you
hit, and it doesn't matter how ready you "felt." Feelings are inside
of you, but the pool is outside, and it doesn't care how you feel.
Sex is the same way. When someone goes to the doctor with a sexually
transmitted disease, the doctor doesn't say, "You had a sexual
relationship before you felt ready, didn't you? If you had felt
ready, this never would have happened."
Sexual activity carries very real consequences. Sexually transmitted
diseases and pregnancy are two of the more obvious problems. A
million teenage girls get pregnant every year. And I'm sure you're
all aware of the frightening epidemic of AIDS, and the fact that
teenagers seem to be at particularly high risk. There are other
diseases you may not hear so much about. Herpes is a painful,
incurable sexually transmitted disease which is said to affect up to
50 percent of sexually active, single Americans. The Human
Pappilomavirus (HPV) causes sexually transmitted warts. The
frightening thing about HPV is that these warts are often
pre-cancerous growths, leading directly to cancers of the
reproductive system. Chlamydia is a sexually transmitted infection
which can leave a girl permanently sterile without even having any
symptoms. "Feeling ready" won't protect you from any of this. Nor
will it protect you from the emotional and spiritual consequences
that come with premarital sexual activity. We'll discuss them later.
So enough of the gross stuff. The point today is just this--decisions
about sexual activity are difficult to make in today's world. There
are a whole lot of people shoving a whole lot of different
information at you. And a lot of people make decisions about sex by
spending a lot of time talking about whether or not they feel
"ready."
It doesn't work. Being really ready for sex means understanding all
of the consequences--physical, emotional and spiritual. Being ready
means being in a situation where you don't have to fear any
consequences. It means being with one permanently faithful partner
who won't leave you and won't infect you. It means being in a
situation where pregnancy doesn't have to be feared. It means living
our sexuality the way God, who invented the whole system, planned it.
Sounds like marriage to me.
Bonacci is a frequent lecturer on marriage.
This article appeared in the April 27, 1995 issue of "The Arlington
Catholic Herald."
Courtesy of the "Arlington Catholic Herald" diocesan newspaper of the
Arlington (VA) diocese. For subscription information, call
1-800-377-0511 or write 200 North Glebe Road, Suite 607 Arlington, VA
22203.
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